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New © 2003 Harlan JacobsenNewly divorced, we find often start out being greatly concerned that they have lost the "one and only" person in the world and that they will probably "never find" anyone worthwhile again. This seems to be a fairly common concern in varying degrees. We have observed many newly divorced that are often absolutely convinced that they have "lost it". That it is "all over", that they have lost their one and only relationship chance in life. As a result, some newly singled, go out "searching" almost immediately, and wind up going to bed with everyone that says "hi there". This continues at a ferocious pace and then suddenly stops completely. What they were doing is "proving" to themselves that they were still desirable, attractive to the opposite sex and were not, as a result of the divorce, stranded "high and dry". They eventually find out that they could in fact develop a new relationship of any kind whenever they wanted. Once they prove that to themselves, then this activity suddenly stops totally and they go back to getting their life back together. There are realistically, thousands and thousands (maybe even tens or even hundreds of thousands) of opposite sex candidates that would be a far better match for you than the relationship you just came from. The usual tendency is to run immediately out and find someone, "anyone" to fill the void. The chances of this being the right person for you is pretty slim. Your unresolved emotional divorce turmoil will spill over and likely shatter this new relationship and it ends for whatever reason. The death of this first relationship after your divorce will often be "more devastating" than the original divorce. We tell you that what seems to work best is to develop a network of single friends, a singles family, get to know a lot of different types of people and just practice dating. Getting your new life to where you can comfortably, stress free, fill all your needs with a lot of different people. No longer insisting that one "special person" be found to fill all your needs. With this background you will develop the skills to fully determine "what is out there". Then you will be amazed after you have worked thru your divorce process, fairly soon after, realizing that you can attract and date some very desirable people any time you want. Once you decide that, you realize you do not have to "latch on to" a good one when you meet one. Before this decision and realization your thinking was, "This likely may be my last chance, I can not let this one get away." Instead, you are able to fully enjoy these relationships knowing when or if it ends, no big deal. It was a great experience and enjoyable while it lasted. The key here is to learn how to easily meet and and gain " practice" in developing all sorts of single friends including relationship prospects. When you get good at this and comfortable constantly meeting new people and know this works, then you will enjoy the process. Along the way you will then know that you will meet all sorts of "really super" opposite sex people. This is just one reason why our divorce class people who started in the class saying "This divorce was the worse thing that has ever happened to me." often came back 6 months later, telling the new class, "My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me". (same divorce).
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