Two Things To Do To Move Out Of Pain

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003

TWO THINGS NECESSARY TO DO BEFORE YOU CAN MOVE OUT OF "WHAT WAS" AND MOVE INTO A BRIGHT NEW LIFE.


Thing A 

Processing your divorce trauma to "make sense out of it" and get it filed away to where it "no longer" screws up your life.

Here in this article I am going to take the liberty to try to draw a mental picture to help you understand this "necessary process".

You can work thru this in as little as 30 days and get on with your new life, you can take the "usual" two years to get a normal life back or you can stay screwed up for the rest of your life by this one divorce.

First consider:

"Why getting free divorce help may not work," Go here

Let us say, that you have 100 (arbitrary figure we picked out of nowhere.) mental emotional issues from your divorce trauma that need to be resolved before you are going to be able to be back up to your old capabilities and normal life.

Let us visualize a four drawer file cabinet, bottom drawer all the way out, 3rd drawer out 3/4 of the way, 2nd drawer half way out and top drawer 1/4 way out.

Someone drops and throws your 100 divorce trauma file folders, (big ones) right on top of these extended drawers so part covers all four drawers in great disarray.

Since your life is normally processed and operated from what is in these 4 files of your "life experiences" and now they are all but covered up by a mess of  "unfiled" traumatic mis mash, you will not be able to fully function as you have in the past.

Until these large divorce trauma files get filed and you regain free access to your normal life files, your life will be a distraught mess.

You can take the normal two years to get it all back in order, you can even be so upset you disregard ever doing anything, and be one mixed up neurotic person for the rest of your life.

Until you do, the experts recommend you make no major decisions such as buying or selling your house, moving to Hong Kong or any thing at all that requires good thinking.

BECAUSE UNTIL THIS FILE MESS IS CLEANED UP YOU WILL LIKELY MAKE A LOT OF DUMB DECISIONS AND DO A LOT OF DUMB THINGS. 

Since you are not now really operating from a full deck, so to speak (not up to your usual capabilities).

Now we will tell you how you work thru and file away correctly this big traumatic unresolved divorce file mess.

What determines how long before you get a normal life back, is based on how long it takes before you have these "divorce trauma files," filed away and regain full access to your "normal life" files again.

Your mental "processor" works on sorting each unresolved file out to determine where and how it is filed only when it hears you "talk about it".

Thinking about it over and over does not get it filed away where it causes no more problem.

Only "talking it out" where you big computer hears you saying (or writing down) how you consider it to make sense.  Then it is filed away.

You can ruminate over and over trying to process this thinking about it day after day to try to  make sense of it and get it out of the way. 

It never gets filed however until your big computer hears you "talk it thru".

Some extremely  traumatic files you will have to talk about 2 or 3 times before your processor makes sense out of it and hands it off to your big computers "file away" system.

So the key here is you do have to "talk it out" to progress with the "clear it out" project.

Two non-talking substitutes may indeed work as well as talking it out, though we have no defining experience here yet so maybe they do indeed work as well or almost as well.

First keeping a written journal of your thoughts and feelings where you see where you are on that right now on the issues in your unresolved files and how it changes from day to day, this is reported to work well.

Participating in divorce chat, email (and yes, even snail mail) with other people in the process, relatives friends etc. on what you are going thru is reported to work as well.

The results we tested and observed were almost entirely on actually talking it out.

Why not use all three and speed the process.

We found it really does not matter much who you talk it out with, providing they know how to listen and do not cut you off from expounding fully.

First choice would be a professional therapist who is well trained not only on how to listen but how to draw you out and get you to talk about what needs "talking out".

Second choice would be a well run divorce support group where each person participates fully in talking out their divorce.

Third choice would be regular contact and talk  in person, on the phone, instant messaging and email, (or even snail mail) with individuals currently also in some stage of divorce adjustment or have completely worked thru it.

Fourth choice would be friends and relatives that know how to listen (hard to find).

We used an arbitrary figure for your situation of 100 unresolved divorce "blobs of data" so lets use an arbitrary large figure of needing to talk each file out 3 times.

It (could be 1 time each or 5 times), this is just an example and varies from individual to individual)

If these were accurate figures, (may be higher or lower) you would need, in this example to have 300 full fledge talks about your divorce trauma.

Full fledged conversations about your unresolved divorce files, this will activate your big computer to file them harmlessly away.

Will stop "screwing up your life" by no longer keeping, your regular "life experience" files from being accessed normally.

When all this "talking out" is accomplished, then your divorce would have been all filed away and its affect on your life is then history.

Your life will start to work much better when you get even half of the mis mash sorted.

However, be sure you finish the job of clearing out all these divorce trauma files dumped on you, before you risk adding new trauma.

How long it takes you to clear these out,, will determine how long it is before your divorce no longer screws up your everyday mental processes.

Only then can you really get on with your new life.

People that have huge emotional trauma that was never talked out have a quirky life and have oddball self imposed limitations that make no sense whatsoever to people that know them.
The oddball or crazy things they do or wont do in their life are things that their mental processor no longer has normal access to because of a blob of something dumped in the way, that has never been talked out and filed away in its proper place.

If they go to a therapist ten years after the traumatic event or happening, what they work on is clearing out this blob of still unresolved emotional trauma (by talking it out) so they eventually regain a full functional life capability.

This is perhaps an over simplification but it seems to  have  helped people understand the importance of what this "talking it out" thing is all about.

Once you understand it, then you can decide how to handle it and get accomplished.

We know that you CAN get from the worse time of your life to the best time in six months or less.

What we try to do here is explain to you how those that do it, in 6 months, what steps they took. What concepts they worked with and what really was effective for them.

You can take as long as you like, it is your life.

Realize, however, that your life is made up of time. You can eat up a good part of your "class A" life time, unnecessarily hung up in your divorce process.

Related Article: The real source for your divorce pain

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