In determining which is what, the -or is
always the one "that does it to you". The "ee" is always the
one it is done to.... Example, Leasor, and Leasee. The
landlord is the one that does it to you, so you are the
leasee...
You can probably come up with some others but that is how
you tell which you are.
In this case the one that leaves the
marriage is the leavor. Now there are some divorces where the real
marriage leavor does not have the guts to leave, so they just make it so
miserable for the other person "result the other person leave and become
the "leavor". Then when things go badly for the leavor, they will
just say...well your the one that wanted a divorce and left.
So disregarding the above, we have this discussion, about why the common
leavor has it much easier working thru a divorce then the leavee.
First of all, the leavor knows usually 6 months in advance and
have made a tentative decision to get out, unbeknown to the
leavee.
The leavor is now open to trading up,
(newer model, more horsepower, more chrome, etc.) and sometimes makes the
decision to start getting out of the marriage, because of the new model
becoming suddenly available.
This goes on for some time and the
leavor has lots of time to process the divorce and is often 6 months down
the road getting their "leaving ducks" all lined up. So for most
practical purposes, you can say the leavor is normally 6 months down
the road in adjusting to the divorce, before the leavee suddenly has it
spring out of nowhere.
Now if the leavor has something all staked
out and trading up, they do not have to sober up from a relationship
addiction, like the leavee, because, quite often the leavor is just
changing "booze", never having to sober up.
In contrast, the
leavee, goes "cold turkey" having to suddenly get thru the pain of getting
off of a severe relationship addiction.
They will holler and
scream, cry and try anything to not to have to get off the
addiction.(relationship). They often will go into "denial", not able
to admit to themselves that it is really happening.
Meanwhile, the
leavor is moving on and having a big time with the newer improved model
and everything seems to be going along fine for the
leavor.
Occasionally, in fact quite often the new relationship,
finds out leavor was not as advertised or whatever reason the new splits
and leaves leavor "IN Shock".
Often the leavor will crash
and have more pain from involuntarily becoming a leavee now getting off
this replacement addiction than the original leavee ever had.
Very often the leavor now the leavee will dash out and find
another replacement and not have to sober up.
Most leavors will
have something staked out or at least in their sights, before leaving, but
some do not, they are just getting free and going to see "whats out
there".
One thing that leavors sometimes have a lot of trouble
dealing with is "guilt". Depends a lot on their
upbringing. They are sure they have made the right decision, and
they have no intention of "ever" going back, but they feel guilty
about putting their ex thru so much pain so they decide if they throw out
to them "a little hope" that they "might" under some circumstances"
could get back together, that this will ease the leavees pain.
The best leavor, leaves and has no contact whatsoever. This
allows the leavee to "unhook", deal with reality and move on with their
life.
The one that does not have the courage to do that
keeps stringing the leavee along, leading them to think it is not really
over. The leavee concludes, maybe the leavor will get dumped by their new
romance, or their new flings will not work out and they will come
running back.
So the leavee puts themself on "hold" and decides
from this erroneous baloney the ex is giving them, given by the ex, (who
feels guilty) to ease the leavees pain, is the straight dope
and all they have to do is be "patient" and understanding.
Result,
months or years later, still not worked thru the pain, foolishly still
waiting for the ex to "come to their senses" and return.
The leavor
who felt guilty has some scruples so they could not "just leave" they had
to sell the leavee and themselves it was justified, that it was not their
fault, that the marriage was ending.
Therefore they do not
leave until they have gathered enough evidence that the leavee was a
defective person and/or a defective lover and spouse. Just gathering
this collection is not enough to get an ok from guilt feelings, they have
to use it to convince the leavee that the leavee is no good and is at
fault.
Once the leavee is convinced they are a no good spouse,
lover, etc etc, then the leavor has an ok to themselves to leave
without guilt feelings.
However, now the leavee is left with very
low self esteem. They are convinced and feel they are totally
unqualified to ever again have a meaningful relationship. The
"expert" who knew them best has totally convinced them, and proved it, not
just by talk but actually leaving.
The leavee is as a result,
is now convinced they not only are mourning the loss of this relationship,
they are mourning the loss of ever having another relationship,
Their leavor and their "last chance" romantic life, both just walked
out the door.
The leavor, has moved on, and found they do not have
to deal with as much pain if they concentrate on "whats new".
Very often they decide to not only have little or not contact with the ex,
which is a good move to help them progress from the pain however big
or small of getting off of a long term relationship, they decide that
little or no contact with their children helps them not "be reminded" of
what was.
Also the leavor has "pain reoccurrence" every time they
have to take the children "back".
This pain is often as severe as
leavees divorce pain, and since seeing the children is an option, and in
order not to have to deal with it, they drop or minimize contact with the
children.
The more attached they were to the children, often the
more they tend to "use this escape". They just avoid seeing the
children on the slightest excuse, to avoid dipping back into this severe
emotional "tearing a part" every time, pain.
Unfortunately the
children, as a result feel rejected, the leavee is further convinced the
leavor was a heartless bum and not only did not care about them, did not
care about the children either. etc.
The leavor often has escaped
the extreme pain of leaving by going directly to a new relationship.
However the separation from the children, if that is the case, is very
painful and the leavor feels totally powerless to do anything about
it. This is pain is often equal to the leavees "loss of an addictive
relationship" pain.
The leavee is convinced the leavor feels no
trauma from the death of the relationship.
Rarely true.
Mixed emotions, elated one minute that they are free to get on with a new
life, and depressed at the next minute over the loss of "what was" etc.
and loss of the "children relationships," if that is the case.
If
the new relationship ends and a replacement not readily available, the
leavor often crashes to severe trauma worse than the leavee has had to go
thru.
Most leavors, it turns out. have a big advantage in adjusting
to this divorce, primarily because they usually had six months or more to
adjust to the split and not leave til worked thru it. They have been
in control of their life and continue to be. During this
"working up to it" time they maintained a fairly normal
relationship. The leavee believes the relationship is going along as
usual, or close so when this comes up, the leavee is in total surprise and
shock.
The surprise makes the leavee feel their life has gone
completely out of their control.
The leavor in contrast, is
in control of their life and continues to be on schedule "as
planned".
Conclusion: The leavor has a "less pain and trauma"
advantage.
Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
Being the "Leavor" or the Leavee?
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