The most important question anyone can ask when they find themselves involved in a dispute is, "How did I contribute to this problem?"
Most people I see in divorce court can go on for hours, describing in great detail all the mistakes that the other person has made and how all the problems are his/her fault. More often than not neither spouse considers the other's wrongs to be mere "mistakes." They're each absolutely certain the other was intentionally nasty. But when I ask each of them to tell me two mistakes he or she made that contributed to the problems, it generally takes each several minutes to remember even one.
Recently I posed this question to a couple who'd been married 23 years. That's a long time within which to make a mistake or two. The husband had been talking about the wife's extravagant spending habits and how she'd complained about living in Albuquerque. The wife had been going on about how rude the husband was and how he always had to have things his way and make all the decisions. Each insisted the other had been inconsiderate for years.
However, neither one of them could come up with one, single mistake he or she had made--not one, in 23 years.
The answer to the question "How did I contribute to this problem?" is important because it provides a road map to solutions. Solutions usually require people to change.
Each of us has absolute power to change our own behavior and attitudes. None of us has any power to change someone else's. We can influence someone else to change or we can motivate or inspire them. But if they are to make changes, it will be only because they alone wanted to change.
So, when husbands and wives focus their time and energy on what the other spouse has done wrong, they are not realistically addressing solutions. They're just playing the blame game which is convenient, safe and familiar. However, the blame game will not produce change or lead to solutions.
If you're looking for whose fault it was that a marriage failed, you'll find there's always plenty of fault to go around. That is why in New Mexico the law says that fault is not relevant to divorce. Fault finding is a waste of time.
If you're looking to understand why a marriage failed for the purpose of learning from the past to prevent repeating mistakes, that is a very wise way to invest time and energy. But that needs to be an internal investigation. When you ask, "How did I contribute to this problem?" the answers will show you how to avoid making the same mistakes again. The answers will tell you how to change yourself.
For more Anne Kass articles, go here to select from complete list of 97 articles
For listing of over 200 helpful staff articles on Divorce, go here
Home
Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This
Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print
Out The Article For Them
Blame Game Won't Solve Anything
Send this article to a friend
Read over 300
"Life Changing" recovery articles, click here
Divorce
Recovery 101 
Divorce Adjustment Help
Home
Divorce Recovery
Site Map
Divorce Questions
& Answers
Read and/or Submit
Personal Message?
CONTACT US
Online Support
Friends Singles
Chat
Free Divorce
Newsletter
Sign Up
Here
Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
Sign Up Here
Read and Study over 300 "Life Changing" recovery
articles, click here
Reprint Our
Articles
Information Here
1000 Helpful Single Life Links
go
here
About Us
go
here
Please tell us how
we are doing.
Feel free to make suggestions
Do it
here
Search Articles
How
To Link To Us
Help Others Find This Site
Send This Page
to "Divorcing Friends",
easy
form
Read Letters From
Divorced Folks Like Yourself,
Read
Mail
Single Life Coach
is
our site for those worked thru their divorce and are working on a great
new life as a single person
Dating Again 101 is our new site for help in
getting back into the dating world successfully
Sign up for
Free Dating
Again newsletter of tips to help make new relationships a part
of your life. Edited by Harlan.
by keyword