Two Things To Do To Move Out Of Pain  

The Real Source For Your Divorce Pain

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright 2003

Thing B

When you are an alcoholic and you are forced to suddenly totally stop drinking you go thru severe withdrawal pain.  (other drugs same deal).

When you go off of a long term relationship and in addition can no longer do what you have been doing for years, you go thru a very similar severe withdrawal pain.

Again, in thing B,  we are going to attempt to illustrate what is happening in your big mental computer in a way you can hopefully easily understand and then we will show you the solution that works.

Again, like in Thing A, hopefully you will better understand how you get thru this in a short time with the least pain.

You have heard of a Fight or Flight response.
You are descended from a long line of cave men that had this well developed and only those that had it lived to have offspring.

We will make this simple and call it your SURVIVAL ALARM, when your very survival is threatened or thought to be threatened by your mental computer,  this mental "survival alarm" is set off.

Several systems in your big computer will set off your Survival Alarm.
(full body alert to get ready to fight or flight) (to run away from this danger)

One that sets it off is your AUTOMATIC, habit, long term, addiction to what has worked and you have been doing for a long period, some pleasure involved and your big computer believes if you stop (relationship etc) your very survival is at stake. 

Like the alcoholic who has stopped what he has been doing (addicted to) your SURVIVAL ALARM (and  alcoholics)  is turned on, your programming system believes (divorce) your survival is a stake.

To get you ready to fight for survival or to run (the alarm system turn on is called STRESS) here is what your alarm system does.
It shuts down all unnecessary right now bodily functions that require energy (juice we will call it)

 1.  Stops or slows digestion to a crawl and knots up your stomach.
(saves juice for fight) 
    (a) due to the pain in your gut you will send down large amounts of food to quell it you will likely gain 20 pounds.
    (b) or due to the pain you may choose to stop eating hoping to alleviate the pain, you will likely lose 10 pounds.

     2.  Slows blood supply to "thinking" part of brain.  (saving juice for fight or flight)
    (a) Result, you have twice as many accidents as usual, you fail to do your job right and may get fired etc.
    (b) you do a lot of dumb things.

      3.  Shuts down your immune system.  Can get along without this for a while and save "juice" for running etc.
      (a) You come down with illnesses much more often.
       (b) serious medical problems your immune system would have staved off normally show up six months later.  Read, How Divorce can kill you,
go here,

       4.  The survival alarm speeds up your heart rate, ups your blood pressure and changes many other bodily functions.  This is now days referred to as "STRESS".
Alarm system turn ons  (stressful)
1. Have to stop doing what you had been doing for a long time.  
2.  Loss of something that threatens survival such as loss of addictive relationship.
3.  Doing something you have never done before and have no similar life experience on file.  (example going out as a mature single)
4.  New people and strangers in general
5.  Unfamiliar, new, no experience
6.  Forced to Stop doing something that was pleasurable long term.
All of the above survival alarm system turn ons happen when you become divorced.  What the alarm system does to your body is what you feel as pain.

This is a newsletter not a book, so will tell you here only the main Alarm shut down (cure) you can do by following simple instructions.

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT (all but absolutely necessary such as kids etc.) WITH YOUR EX FOR 21 DAYS, the alcoholic has to not take one drink in the 21 days or the alarm the body is put thru this ready to run torture (pain) for another 21 days.

After 21 days of no do, the mind removes it from the must do and the alarm system lowers the alarm ready to run status by 80%.

Every time you have contact with the ex after 21 days will reinstate some stress but the major panic alarm is over if you keep it to only absolutely essential.

YOU MUST DECIDE IT IS ABSOLUTELY OVER, no thinking about the old relationship, nothing, no curiosity what they are doing or anything.
They are out of your life and that's that. 

Keep mucking around in "what was" and you are never going to get out of this and move on to a new and better life.  The alcoholic who takes a drink again, is back in the soup (pain etc). 

Give up what was.  Your big computer will pull the alarm system completely only after a time of you proving that part of your life (what was) is over. 

The only thing you are processing thinking about now is your future. Make no small plans.

Recently, on Singles Talk Shop a lady who had been divorced for two years, and she and her ex both had new significant others, dating relationships for a long time, asked people who chat on the site whether they thought she should go in for counseling  with her ex who was trying supposedly to find out what had gone wrong with their relationship.

Four people filed comments that "Yes, by all means" they advised she should go in for the counseling with her ex even though they knew she was in a new relationship and he was too, that advise was very bad
in my opinion.

Only One filed comment that "how was she ever going to move on with her new life" if she kept going back reopening an "old can of worms", and asked if she was just a "slow learner".

I just could not believe that the others believed she should go back and muck around some more in what was over and done with.  This is the very thing I am telling you needs to be avoided like the plague, how can your mental processor handle this, like the alcoholic you are just going back into opening yourself up again to BIG problems.


Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
The Real Source For Your Divorce Pain
Send this article to a friend
Read over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here

Top of Page ||  Divorce Recovery 101 Index
Site Map - Content List  || AZ Single Scene  ||  Country Singles ||  Single Life Coach  || Dating Again 101 || Subscribe to our Free Newsletter

* Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course, of "Moving on to a great new life", click here

*  For a Free Email 8 Day Course on Dating "Get Going"  to a better life, click here