STARTING OVER AGAIN
Part 43 by Harlan Jacobsen
A series of articles on adjusting to divorce
NO ONE HAS DEVELOPED A GOOD OR RIGHT WAY TO SPLIT.
Splitting a relationship of two people inter-tangled after years of togetherness is going to be painful no matter how you do it. Some know they need to be apart but do not have the courage to split. As a result, they chip away at each other, emotionally destroying one another until one does something so upsetting they finally come apart.
OTHERS, NOT HAVING THE COURAGE TO SPLIT, MAKE LIFE SO BAD FOR
THEIR PARTNER THAT THEY FINALLY FILE.
Then when the divorce is not going so well or settling things on an equitable basis is going badly, they say, "Well, you are the one that wanted the divorce."
COMING APART IS A "CRAZY MAKING" PROCESS.
Sometimes, you are sure you did the wrong thing in coming apart, even though you have known for two years that there was no other possibility for the relationship. Sometimes you feel sorry for your ex--not making it by themselves. You feel guilty for their doing so badly. The next minute you catch yourself plotting what you can do to "get even" for the way they did so and so-part of the coming apart process.
YOU HAVE TWO LAWYERS, THEY JUST NATURALLY MANIPULATE YOU TO A WARRING POSITION.
Lawyers think differently, and categorize nearly everything into an adversary position.
What was an ant hill becomes a mountain. Everything becomes distorted. What is significant sometimes appears insignificant. What is often insignificant gets magnified all out of proportion.
ATTORNEYS ARE PART (BIG) OF THE EMOTIONAL PROBLEM OF DIVORCE.
Attorneys are not the solution to the emotional trauma, they are often the source. They have little or no understanding of your extreme emotional feelings at this time. In fact, one of the reasons they charge more for divorce cases and despise them is that they do not understand nor know how to handle the emotional intensities generated. The specialized divorce attorney (when you can find one) is to the legal profession what a proctologist is to the medical profession. Nearly every judge hearing divorce cases can hardly wait until he is transferred to something else.
YOU HAVE HEIGHTENED MOOD SWINGS--YOU ARE ON AN EMOTIONAL
ROLLER COASTER OR YOYO.
It is crazy making, trying to figure out how you can feel one way one moment, and another way a short time later. You think you are coming unglued. You often have time distortion--some things seem to be dragging on for an eternity.
MANY BECOME PRACTICALLY PARALYZED.
Like someone threw rocks in their gears. they become immobile and accomplish nothing, seeming to go around in circles.
SOME, FEELING LOSSES, SEEK REVENGE.
They open up what is known as divorce warfare. An expensive process that lawyers thrive on. Many newly divorced go for one of the two following extremes:
1. I'll take everything they've got and see that they get nothing; or
2. I do not want anything at all that had anything to do with them. I just want out.
Both of these positions may turn out to be costly.
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