A Series of Articles on Adjusting to Divorce
copyright 1996 by Harlan Jacobsen
STARTING OVER PROBLEMS OF DIVORCE OFTEN EXCEED YOUR CAPACITY TO HANDLE
When your big computer becomes overloaded, you feel overwhelmed. Like you are not able to keep up, that you just aren’t coping. That life is out of control, that no matter what you do, it isn’t going to help.
PROBLEMS—TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS ARE LINING UP FASTER THAN YOU CAN HANDLE THEM...
Watch out! This is your danger period. Ask for help. Hold up your hand, say "I am drowning and I need help." Everybody, sometime in their life, has this happen.
IF YOU DO NOT ASK FOR AND GET HELP, YOUR BIG COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE BALL GAME OF LIFE
When you are overwhelmed and your big computer goes on "Tilt", it uses tremendous energy. Your immune system (body mechanism to get rid of illness) shuts down for lack of priority energy and your chances of becoming ill are multiplied hundreds of times normal. In fact, your subconscious (big computer) may deliberately pick self-induced illness as a method of taking you out of the game when you are overwhelmed.
YOUR BIG COMPUTER MAY PICK GETTING "STONED" AS ONE WAY TO BE TAKEN OUT OF THE BALL GAME
Watch out! Getting into booze won’t drown your troubles, it will only irrigate them. The same goes for drugs even if your doctor prescribes them. Remember, every drug has side effects and that includes booze and Prozac (for Heaven’s sake, do not mix both of these!)
BECOMING DEPRESSED IS ANOTHER WAY YOUR BIG COMPUTER WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE GAME WHEN IT’S ABILITY TO PROCESS HAS BEEN EXCEEDED
This one takes you out of the game and you become immobile. The problems that exceeded your capacity do not get eliminated because you are not even working on them. Finally (it may take a long time) your big computer will decide—depression isn’t working; let’s try something else.
YOUR OVERLOADED COMPUTER MAY OPT FOR TWO MORE OUTS —WATCH FOR THESE
When overloaded and overwhelmed by loss of a relationship and all the associated problems, your big computer (in desperation from getting out from under the load placed on it) may pick either one of two dangerous options if other outs do not work. Number one danger to watch out for is throwing in the sponge by committing suicide. That takes your big computer out of the ball game. Divorced men opt for this solution seven times as often as divorced women. Your computer may take itself out of the ball game by "going crazy". How do you go crazy? Easy— your subconscious knows how to do it.
KEEP FROM BEING OVERWHELMED IS THE SOLUTION
When you need glasses and have a headache, taking aspirin does not solve the problem. Aspirin treats the symptom; it does not work on the problem. Taking tranquilizers for being overwhelmed treats the symptom; just like aspirin and needing glasses, it does not solve the problem. In fact, the medication or other crutch creates new problems.
BEING OVERWHELMED AND OVERLOADING YOUR COMPUTER ARE A RESULT OF WORKING ON TOO MUCH AT ONCE
Also, when divorced, you often give your big computer problems seeking a "crazy-making" answer to a problem that has no solution. We have discussed in past chapters how to get these "no-solution" problems away from being process so your big computer can process legit problems and adjustments you face when newly divorced.
Further cut down computer load by:
1. Do not change any more habits or living patterns than absolutely necessary—such as do not move now if you can avoid it.
2. Do not change jobs, etc. while overwhelmed.
3. Continue to do, for awhile at least, things you have always done.
SEPARATE PROBLEMS—PUT THEM ON PAPER
Giving all these things to your big computer to sort out and solve at once overwhelms it.
If you drop a jigsaw puzzle all over the floor, putting it back together seems overwhelming—almost impossible.
To put it back together, you first have to turn the pieces right side up. (Do that with your problems by putting them down on paper.) Stop looking at it as one big puzzle. Look at it instead as a series of little easy pieces.
START BY PUTTING TOGETHER ONLY THE EASY PIECES FIRST
Give your computer only easy problems to solve for now. Hold the others back. As you put the easy pieces back together, solutions will just pop up and become apparent for some of the difficult pieces.
DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE IT ALL AT ONCE AND MAKE SENSE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING
Just keep doing the easy pieces. Every bit you get done makes some other pieces easy. Progress may not be rapid, but just keep at it; it gets easier and easier as your life gets more and more back together.
REMEMBER—YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER ALL AT ONCE
Break it down into parts. Set priorities and work on what is easiest right now steadily. Get some new friends to help you put the pieces back together. Do not be afraid to tell people you need help in getting your life back together. Tell your employer you are overwhelmed and need a little help in handling everything right now.
GIVE YOUR BIG COMPUTER MORE REST BREAKS
Better rest, more fun times, more vacations all give your big computer a break and allow it to recover and catch up. Eating better also affects your big computer’s successfully handling a lot of processing right now. Your big computer cannot work well when you have low voltage from poor physical condition. Get the body going and taken care of and your computer will process much more quickly.