Starting Over Again
Who's in control of your life?
Part 37
copyright 1996 by Harlan Jacobsen
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE
Up until now you have probably been looking around, taking applications for someone who wants the job of making you happy. If you found someone interested, they either don’t do a very good job of making you happy, or just when they seem to be getting good at it, quit and move on to something else.
WHEN YOU TAKE TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAKING YOUR LIFE WORK, LIFE GETS BETTER AS YOU GET BETTER AT THIS "DO IT YOURSELF" PROJECT
You should not be expecting to be good at it initially, if up until now you had little experience in "doing it yourself." You need to watch what you say to yourself because you are still telling your big computer that others control you.
SAYING "MY EX MAKES ME MAD" SAYS THEY CONTROL YOU
That your happiness still is controlled by someone else is programmed into you. Saying instead that, "I feel angry when my ex calls" is programming your big computer that you have control and you decide. Extreme care in what you hear yourself saying is important to program yourself correctly, that you have control of your happiness and well being.
UP UNTIL NOW YOU HAD A BABYSITTER
You had somebody who worried about you and your welfare. Getting divorced leaves you — often for the first time — with nobody who worries or cares what you do or don’t do. That’s scary.
ACCEPTING THE IDEA YOU CAN THRIVE BY YOURSELF IS SCARY
You fear that maybe you’ll become too independent and you’ll never allow or need anyone again. You fear you will be incompetent, and never succeed in life by yourself because you have never had any experience and track record of successes on your own.
Your ex may have threatened that you’ll never make it by yourself. The solution—run out and find somebody, anybody. Even Jack the Ripper will do.
YOU ARE NOW A GROWN PERSON WHO CAN WATCH OUT AND BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF
That is growing up. Growing up is painful. Nobody wants to grow up. Growing up is forced on you. You will as a result of your divorce, grow up more emotionally and in taking responsibility for your own outlook, emotions, and physical well being, than any similar period of your life.
YOU FIRST NEED TO DECIDE "I AM AN OK PERSON"
I can make it by myself. When I get to where I am totally in control, self-sufficient and happy on my own and take total responsibility for my life succeeding, then I can move on and add significant people of the opposite sex to my life.
WHEN YOU BECOME SELF-SUFFICIENT AND PUNCH YOUR OWN OK CARD, THEN NO ONE CAN DO IT TO YOU
If you are still dependent on someone else, then they can do it to you. They can wipe you out by leaving or control you by threatening to leave. Your happiness will be dependent on them. You will have demands that they will have to fill to make you happy. They may decide that as a result of your excessive demands they do not or no longer want the job. You will say they are "all alike". They pretend they want the job of making me happy but when it comes right down to it, they leave. They are all defective. I am looking for one that isn’t defective.
LOOKING WITHIN FOR THE SOLUTION IS MUCH HARDER BUT THE RESULT IS WELL WORTH THE EFFORT
Therefore we caution over and over—develop friends and relationships but no earth-shattering, committed relationships until you get your own act together.
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