A Series of Articles on Adjusting to Divorce
By Harlan Jacobsen (Copyright 1998)
ADJUSTING TO DIVORCEFEELINGS COME IN STEREO -WITH THOUGHT
You choose which "thought" recall records you play. Abolish your mental museum of horror records. This means you can choose feelings because they come in stereo. Control thoughts, you control feelings.
FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS WITH A 3 MINUTE DELAY
When you have good feelings you smile. Did you know that when you smile when you don't feel like it the feeling catches up within 3 minutes. Often within 30 seconds.
Feelings also come iIn stereo with actions. You can control your thoughts and then the associated feeling. You can also get any feeling you want by appropriate action or motion.
If you have little confidence, straighten up the slouch, carry yourself confidently, and within 3 minutes you will feel more confident.
You have to fake or force these actions such as smiling, initially, but then the feeling catches up and you don't have to force it any more. It will become more natural as the feeling catches up.
How do you act confident? Sit up front, do what confident people do. People that hide in the back row lack confidence. You get the confident feeling by doing what confident people (actions) do.
Act joyful by acting enthusiastic and the happy enthusiastic feeling will catch up with you, guaranteed within three minutes. You don't have to feel enthusiastic to act enthusiastic. Act enthusiastic and happy, and the feeling catches up.
ONCE YOU GET IT GOING IT IS SELF FEEDING
Again remember you are like the person I mentioned before, that says to the fireplace -"give me heat then I'll put some fuel in." Wrong. Do the action first, the feeling follows. You say -"make me happy then I'll get enthusiastic." Wrong. Act enthusiastic, then you will have happy feelings automatically, and you control them. To act enthusiastic speed up everything 20% to 30% - quit dragging around. Speed up your life. Your enthusiasm and happiness level goes up in direct proportion to how you eliminate the half dead dragging around actions.
To gain confidence practice speaking up and when talking to someone, practice maintaining direct eye contact. Smile, (practice, It islearned) and soon you will have it automatically. It takes 21 days of deliberate practice to get a habit and put it all on automatic.
TAKE ACTION - GET OFF YOUR DUFF - MOVE!
Newly divorced get frozen in thought and contemplation that is tied up with fear of the future and processing the past. This dissipates energies and creates mental poisons.
STOP ALL THIS MENTAL GARBAGE. TAKE CONTROL - TAKE ACTION
Start immediately to take constructive action. Do something that will help solve your problems.
STOP MENTAL PROCESSING OF ALL THE BADS AND FEARS - REFUSE TO PLAY THESE RECORDS.
Now you are getting there (happiness) when you play only the good "feeling" records. You have stopped demanding or expecting people to act a certain way. You are taking action and straightening up your posture. You are speeding up your life and moving and acting enthusiastic. Practice smiling, sitting in the front row, acting confidently - speaking up in the singles groups. Update your programming. Childhood attitudes, beliefs, and programming won't work now.
21 DAYS FROM NOW - YOU WILL HAVE AN AUTOMATIC NEW YOU.
You will have acted this way for 21 days. Your automatic functions will take over and you won't believe the change. You won't have to force yourself anymore.
YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO CONTROL YOUR OWN
HAPPINESS LEVEL. TAKE CONTROL BACK FROM YOUR EX.
Tell 'em you are getting your act together and you figure you will be happier than you have ever been in your life up to now. What they do won't affect it. It gets better and better...
HAPPINESS IS CONTAGIOUS
If you hang around happy people you catch it. If you associate primarily with downers - you catch it. It happens automatically.
YOU BECOME LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU ASSOCIATE WITH
All you have to do is sort. Stop associating with people that drain you and you feel more down when you leave than when you met them. Deliberately set out to meet and develop friends that are "uppers." Happy people, people that like the "new you" that you want to become. People that charge your battery when you spend time with them and that you have "good times" and go away feeling more up for having been with them.
LATER WHEN YOU GET YOUR OVER?ALL HAPPINESS ACT TOGETHER, A DOWNER OR TWO WON'T DRAIN YOU.
Right now though we suggest you get a sheet of paper - draw a line down the middle, top to bottom.
Label the left side "Downers" - right side, label "uppers." List all of the people you spend time with on one side or the other. Downers are people that you talk to and you usually feel more down afterwards. The "Uppers" are people that are like gas stations that take your credit card. They are open to you and make you feel better spending time with or talking with them.
CROSS OFF AND STOP SEEING THE DOWNERS FOR NOW.
You will eventually spread some of your sunshine to them perhaps but until you get good at it - leave them out of your life.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HAPPY FACES
People that are enjoying and getting the most out of life - that's what you want for now. Force yourself to be with these kind of people because...
YOU WON'T BE COMFORTABLE WITH HAPPY PEOPLE INITIALLY
If you are still sour on life right now, you won't be comfortable with the kind of people you need and you will tend to sabotage yourself and these types of friendships and getting out with these types of people. Force yourself - for a while. Eventually it will get comfortable as you start seeing yourself as a happy person too.
IF YOU USE THE SHORT-CUT METHODS MENTIONED EARLIER (SELF-HYPNOSIS, ETC.), TO CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK AND SELF-ESTEEM, YOU WILL DO THIS AUTOMATICALLY
If not, you have to force yourself and deliberately do what you need to do knowing you will be uncomfortable initially.
SUMMARY - TO RETHINK YOUR HAPPINESS PLANS
Think happiness thoughts. Refuse to play past life's "sour grapes." Thoughts knowing that your "feelings" are controlled by what "thought" record you play since feelings come right along with it in stereo. Think positive good thoughts and you get "good" feelings.
Change you actions within 3 minutes the feeling catches up. Act confident, within 3 minutes you will feel confident. Act happy - smile - within 3 minutes that feeling catches up.
Act enthusiastic about your life. Speed up everything 30% and in 3 minutes you will feel enthusiastic. No more dragging around will change how you feel about life. You have a lot of living yet to do - speed it up and act enthusiastic, then you will be.
ASSOCIATE ONLY WITH PEOPLE THAT ARE HAPPY "UPPERS"
You will soon "catch" it. Eliminate downers from your friend list for now.
GET RID OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND DEMANDS FOR OTHER CHANGE TO PREFERENCES.
You prefer that others and the world act a certain way. You no longer expect them to, and you don't demand they do certain things. You prefer they be perfect and do what you like but your happiness is not controlled be their actions one way or the other.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
You now know that YOU DO have control of your own happiness. That it is not dependent on "things" happening, money, nor is your happiness controlled by other people (no longer). Now you decide, do you want to get out of pain and into happiness?
HAPPINESS AS A LIFESTYLE IS LEARNED
You probably have some unhappiness unlearning to do first.
Set your goals to become a happier person, each day getting better and better. Don't make getting married a goal, make leading a happy fulfilled life your goal. If marriage helps accomplish that, it will happen easily and automatically. If your happier single for now, that will happen too.
YOUR GOAL NEVER WAS TO LEARN TO, AND BE A HAPPY PERSON
Your goals up until now were always to get "something." When you got it you wondered why you still weren't happy. You figured you needed more, bigger, or nicer, etc. then you would be happy.
MOST SINGLES FIGURE "IF I COULD ONLY MEET A CERTAIN PERSON, THEN I WOULD BE HAPPY."
Wrong. When you get your happiness quotient under control you will automatically attract people that "add" to your happiness. If they leave, they won't be able to take "your" happiness with them.
DON'T POSTPONE HAPPINESS. START IT TODAY.
Practice happiness for 21 days. It will then become automatic and last you the rest of your life.
NEXT ISSUE: More on your new life.