STARTING OVER AGAIN
STARTING OVER AGAIN
PART 17
A SERIES OF ARTICLES ON
ADJUSTING TO DIVORCE
BY HARLAN JACOBSEN
HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE (UP UNTIL NOW) PROBABLY NEVER WAS A GOAL OF YOURS, ONLY AN OCCASIONAL "DRIBBLE DOWN" BENEFIT.
Your goal was to find someone originally and get married. You accomplished that goal. Maybe you had considerable happiness along the line from time to time as a fringe benefit or maybe the whole marriage was basically miserable. Now that you are looking back, you did accomplish your goal of getting married and if that's your new goal you can certainly do it again.
YOU CAN FOR NOW PROGRAM YOURSELF WITH A GOAL "TO BE A HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL SINGLE PERSON."
You'll be amazed how things in your life just fall into place with this as your new goal. Many make the mistake of immediately making their all out goal "to find someone" or to get married. Now if your goal Is to get married you most certainly will accomplish that goal. But you probably won't be happy because that never was your goal anyway. Your goal was only to "find someone" or to get married.
WHEN YOU PROGRAM FOR "HAPPINESS" AS A GOAL YOU WILL HAVE SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE FLOW INTO YOUR LIFE.
If your goal Is happiness your subconscious will automatically sort out people that will help you accomplish that goal. Whatever decisions you make will be easy because you will sort out and automatically eliminate things that keep you from your goal and you will be attracted to activities, things, and people that will all add to your happiness. You will discover and change over to attitudes and outlooks that will improve your happiness within short order "no matter" what is happening to your world out there.
THE EXACT WORDING FOR THE GOAL THAT CAN TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND IS AS FOLLOWS...
During the next 8 months my goal is to learn to be and become a happy successful single person (after 8 months to a year you may drop the word 'single').
The positive affirmation you say to yourself several times daily is... "I AM A HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL SINGLE PERSON AND EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY IN EVERY WAY."
True, this is a form of self 'brain washing', the old "if you hear it often enough you believe it" bit. Actually you have been brainwashing yourself, so to speak, with downers and you have heard them repeated so often (mostly by yourself) that your subconscious has finally believed them. Whatever your subconscious believes about you, it will tend to keep you as it sees you from this programming.
SETTING THIS NEW GOAL FOR NOW IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IS LIKE PLANTING A SEED
For it to grow and become reality you will need to do several things.
1. Water it by repeating the affirmation several times every day. Missing
even one day will set you back at least a week, like a plant wilting and
taking a week just to revive.
2. Weed out contrary negative statements from your self-talk and tune
out negative thoughts that may come from friends and associates. You need
to weed these out and not let them get started in your mental garden and
choke out your new programming.
3. Learn to relax - let it happen. You will reap the harvest automatically.
REMEMBER - TO LEARN TO BE A HAPPY SUCCESSFUL PERSON DOES NOT REQUIRE MONEY, EDUCATION, LUCK OR TALENT
It needs a decision, "this is what I want in my life now." This is what I am planting. It needs: 1. Planting and watering 2. Weeding 3. Enjoying the harvest.
IT WILL NOT BE YOUR EX THAT KEEPS YOU FROM ACCOMPLISHING YOUR HAPPINESS GOAL NOR WILL IT BE THE WORLD OUT THERE.
If anyone keeps you from accomplishing this goal now it will only be you. You are your own worst enemy. It is you that has control and if your new goal gets screwed up now, YOU will be the enemy that does it.
IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY 8 MONTHS FROM NOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO BLAME YOUR EX, YOUR MOTHER, SOCIETY, OR THE WORLD OUT THERE.
But boy, will you ever grasp around for some scapegoat. If your life is still a mess 8 months from now, you will try to blame your ex for ruining your life by his not sending your support payments on time, the children for tying you down, society for not paying you what you are worth, and on and on.
IF YOU ARE STILL WALLOWING 8 MONTHS FROM NOW YOU CAN HONESTLY BLAME ONLY YOURSELF.
If your ex can 'make' you unhappy 8 months from now then you are admitting your ex is still pulling your strings. In other words, you still give control of your happiness to your ex. If your ex can make you mad, sad, disgusted or anxious then you have not yet taken control of your own life and happiness.
UP UNTIL NOW YOU THOUGHT MONEY AND HAPPINESS WERE SOMEHOW TIED TOGETHER.
That if you had plenty of money you could ' buy' happiness. True, it is better to be miserable with money than without it, but money and happiness have only a passing connection.'
Some of the unhappiest people in the world are wealthy and, conversely, some of the happiest people have little or no money. Almost all divorced parties suffered dramatically in the divorce financial shakeup. It is not the financial problems that keep them unhappy, it is their attitude about these financial changes that is to blame.
ONE PERSON CAN BE DELIGHTED BECAUSE THEY CAN NOW AFFORD HAMBURGER REGULARLY.
Another person is totally unhappy because they always had steak before and now must make do with hamburger. The same hamburger; different expectations.
ONE PERSON IS DELIGHTED TO BE OUT OF A MARRIAGE THE OTHER TOTALLY UNHAPPY.
Both similar marriages, again different expectations. The latter expected they could make it last, or expected their ex to make it last, and when those expectations were not fulfilled, they became unhappy.
GIVE UP YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND DEMANDS: ALL OF THEM. THEY ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR UNHAPPINESS.
So your unhappiness is not tied directly to what is happening but your
attitude about what is happening. You may not have complete control of
what is happening in your life (no one does) but YOU control how you feel
(your attitude) toward what is happening.
GIVE UP ON TRYING TO GET THE WORLD TO SHAPE UP TO YOUR DEMANDS AND EXPECTATIONS.
You have been hassling the world and have been constantly unhappy because situations and people (and even yourself) didn't shape up the way that you wanted; you and they weren't 'perfect'.
WHEN YOU DECIDE TO BE HAPPY, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED "INTELLIGENCE".
A story that really changed things for me was about a Chinese man years ago that had all sorts of bad things happen to him, and they all turned out to be good in the long run though they seemed to be catastrophic at the time. Your divorce, the loss of a relationship, may seem like a catastrophe now, but after you discover the 'better' new world it made possible for you, looking back you will later see It was one of the best things that ever happened to you. If that's going to be the case, why be unhappy about it now?
SWITCH YOUR ATTITUDE TO "NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO ME."
Quite often I will initially think or feel that what happened is bad but I learned to overlook it because I know that there is a benefit from it coming later. So I will not dwell on the apparent bad, but merely have faith that the unknown benefit is there all along.
HAPPINESS AS A SINGLE PERSON IS NOT ARRIVING AT A DESTINATION OR GOAL, HAPPINESS IS THE JOURNEY, THE GETTING THERE.
Remember it is not getting a big relationship that makes you happy. A lot of big relationships are an emotional hassle. When you become a happy, successful single person you will have many terrific relationships that just flow, and you will automatically develop significant relationships and friends. You will have many, many people that want to bask in your happiness sunshine.
SOME SAY, "WHEN I GET A BIG RELATIONSHIP AGAIN, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY."
Doubtful. Rather, when you are happy you will easily get a big relationship any time you want as surely, as night follows day. Get the happiness first by changing your attitudes and programming. Get to where it is YOU who controls your happiness, not what others are attitudes and programming. Get to where YOU control your happiness, not what someone else is or isn't doing. Then you are ready for a big relationship and you keep control of your happiness yourself, not giving it over to the control of the relationship. Happiness is the cake, significant relationships are frosting, and they follow automatically, merely adding to the happiness level.
GOING AFTER THE FROSTING BEFORE YOU HAVE THE CAKE DOESN'T WORK.
Getting into relationships to improve your happiness level before you are ready only causes greater unhappiness when the relationship ends. Creating a dependency and making someone else responsible for your happiness becomes too much of a load and a responsibility for the other person to fulfill. Sooner or later they will get tired of carrying the responsibility for your happiness and end the relationship.
WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR HAPPINESS UNDER YOUR CONTROL, AND NOT UNDER THE CONTROL OF OTHERS, YOU WILL ATTRACT PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR ACT TOGETHER.
Like attracts like. Being in a relationship with another person that does not make you responsible for their happiness is refreshing and takes the emotional roller coaster out of the relationship, leaving only the "ups." You both add to each other's happiness and are not threatened by the prospect of seeing it withdrawn.
Back to Series List Next Article
Send
this article to a friend
Read over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click
here
|| AZ Single Scene || Country Singles || Single Life Coach || Dating Again 101 || Subscribe to our Free Newsletter
* Free 5 Day Email
Course, of "Moving on to a great new life", click here
* For a Free Email Course on Dating "Get Going"
to a better life, click here
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|