Stop postponing your happiness
Starting Over Again, Part 15
A Series of Articles on Adjusting to Divorce
By Harlan Jacobsen (Copyright 1997)
TWO THINGS NEED TO BE PERSONALLY CLEARED UP TO GET YOUR LIFE WORKING AGAIN
Number one is to learn you can survive alone quite nicely and convince your subconscious that your very survival is not at stake in your becoming single. Know that you don't NEED anyone to survive and get along alone quite nicely.
Number two is to learn you can develop more new friends and relationships now than you have ever had in your life and you can now develop and have as much (or as little) sexual pleasure as you desire, that it is under your control. You need not be "lucky" or unlucky.
ONCE YOU ARE INTERNALLY SATISFIED THAT THESE TWO ARE NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM THEN YOUR STOMACH QUIETS DOWN
As we have said before, you never get rid of all of the butterflies in your stomach, but settling these two things gets the butterflies to at least fly in formation. You can sleep again, you can stop worrying and settle anxiety.
REST ASSURED YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER. THIS IS INTERMISSION AND THE BEST IS YET TO BE
Getting Act II to be the greatest doesn't just happen, it takes planning. Just figuring out what you would really like to happen (think big) is half the battle. Most singles don't ever decide what they really want to happen in Act II; they _just sort of hang around waiting for lightning to strike or to have someone come along to rescue them who has figured out what they want to happen and who have an opening for a bit part.
WE SUGGEST YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN IN ACT II AND THEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAKING IT HAPPEN.
Last time around your goal probably was to find someone who needed a bit player, and when you did you accepted the role. Sooner or later you got tired of playing the part or they decided the play had changed and you no longer fit the script.
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE WITHOUT A ROLE TO PLAY IN SOMEONE ELSE'S PLAY
Get your own play _ figure out what you want to happen, rough outline a script, audition people that fit your play and get on with life. Make it exciting so you can hardly wait to get started.
HOW CAN YOU BE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE A NEW GREAT LIFE UNFOLDING?
Under those circumstances and attitudes you can't be depressed, but your problem right now is you still don't believe the best is ahead. You erroneously believe that if anything good happens to you in the future it will be pure "luck". For now, you want to play "poor me" some more and hope some "magical" person will come along and rescue you.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE FIGURED WHAT YOU WANT IN ACT II YOU NEED TO GAIN THE KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO SUCCEED
1. Make friends with and copy others who are where you want to be. If they are succeeding so can you.
2. Learn from others. Ask how they did it. Ask for help and assistance.
3. Attend classes that dispense the knowledge you need to succeed; be with others going the same direction.
4. Read everything written on the subject of what you want to happen.
5. Experiment. Practice. Try out.
6. Program yourself to arrive effortlessly.
7. Accept it all as a challenge and exciting good fun.
KEEP IN FRONT OF YOU CONSTANTLY WHERE YOU ARE HEADED AND YOUR HAPPY NEW LIFE
Visualize, see it on the motion picture screen of your mind. See it happening. Do this several times a day. Weed out, stop playing all the negative records that cover reasons why you can't accomplish it, why you can't have the life you want.
BE SURE THAT ONE OF YOUR GOALS IS TO LEAD A HAPPY LIFE
One of the mistakes we make is that we think we '"need' something or someone; then we will be happy. When your goal is to lead a happy life, then your subconscious will get you there and it won't depend on your getting a new home, a Rolls Royce, a new spouse or whatever. Those goals are okay; _just remember, your idea that you postpone happiness until you get them means that odds are you won't be happy when you get them either.
ONE OF YOUR MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS MAY BE TIED UP IN PLEASING OTHERS
Perhaps when you were five, or even before, you decided that to be happy and have things go smoothly you only needed to please your parents. When you were in High School you may have changed it and decided that you only had to please your "steady" and then everything went along happily. (Your parents wondered why your parental attitude changed so much as a teenager.) Then you get married and you changed it to _Now I'll be happy if I can please my spouse.
NOW YOU HAVE NO ONE TO PLEASE BUT YOURSELF, SO YOU ARE UNHAPPY.
How can I be happy? _I need someone to please. Some people at this point switch over to "now I'll please my children"; then they become Super Mom or Disneyland Daddy. This is a mistake not only for them but the children as well.
YOU NEED TO MAKE A NEW MAJOR DECISION TO BE ABLE TO LIVE FOR AND TO PLEASE YOURSELF
You have been over-programmed that pleasing yourself is selfish (or even sinful), that happiness is pleasing others and you heard it so much that if you do things for and please yourself then you feel guilty. You have been programmed to sacrifice worldly pleasures and happiness to wait and enjoy yourself and be happy in the next life. Go ahead and be miserable and sacrifice now_--get your reward later, is the message. Unfortunately we heard it so much that when you do set things up for yourself, you can't enjoy it.
You do not have to stay with this programming.
WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YOU MAY HAVE DECIDED TO POSTPONE HAPPINESS UNTIL KINDERGARTEN
That getting to kindergarten would be big stuff and happiness. When you got to kindergarten, then you decided you really couldn't be happy till you got to regular big school. Then in grade school you decided high school was where it was really at. When you got to High School, then you would be happy. In High School you decided that when you got a driver's license, then you would be happy.
THEN YOU DECIDED THAT WHEN YOU MET THAT CERTAIN "SOMEONE" THEN YOU WOULD BE HAPPY
Then you got married and then you decided when you finally got all the bills paid and made enough money, then you would be happy. Then you decided that if you had a bigger and better home in a better place (move to Arizona), then you would be happy.
YOU STILL WEREN'T HAPPY, SO YOU DECIDED IT MUST BE YOUR MARRIAGE THAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK
So you become single and here you are single but you are still not happy. So you decide I have just been meeting the wrong people, when I meet that certain someone, then I'll be happy. Then you meet someone super so you decide if you get married again, then you'll be happy.
So you got married again and you're still not happy. It must have been the wrong one again. So you get divorced and single is not happy again so you find someone else and then you'll be happy.
WRONG ONE AGAIN SO YOU BUY A WASH AND WEAR WEDDING GOWN AND YOU JUST KEEP TRYING
Finally you give up on the other sex ever making you happy and you buy a pussycat and decide that to heck with it, I'LL JUST WAIT AND BE HAPPY IN THE GREAT BEYOND.
Actually we doubt it. If you can't be happy in the present when in the world are you ever going to be?
MOST NEWLY SINGLED ACT LIKE THEY ARE GOING TO LIVE ANOTHER TWO HUNDRED YEARS
We have news for you: you are not. You need to learn how to make today a happy day. Soon you know how to make happy weeks which stretch into happy years.
YOU ONLY HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE EACH DAY HAPPY, ONE DAY AT A TIME
What will make today a better day? What can I plan for tomorrow that will make tomorrow a better day? What can I work on now to make my future more successful and happier? Anticipating and planning a great tomorrow helps make today worthwhile and a great day too.
NEXT ISSUE: What is happiness and what do I need to be happy again?
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