STARTING OVER AGAIN
A Series of Articles on Adjusting to Divorce
By Harlan L. Jacobsen
Part 13
NEWLY DIVORCED HAVE THEIR BIG COMPUTERS ALL TIED UP.
It is engaged most of the waking hours processing crazy-making data that has no solution, like what went wrong? Why me? What can I learn from this? How can I keep from ever letting this happen again? What should I have done differently? What will ever happen to me now? How can I get even for this injustice?
ALL OF THIS OVERLOADS YOUR COMPUTER, WHICH GOES ON "TILT"
Your computer searches for ways to relieve the overload. When extremely overloaded, it will pick one and you will get involved, like it or not, in one of the following:
1. Drugs (probably not the street corner type). Legal prescribed drugs such as Valium and Librium, etc. The biggest drug problem and drug related deaths in this country today is Valium. ?When your computer is overloaded, you may erroneously seek this as a solution. Those on drugs only cause other problems and merely "delay" finishing processing their divorce and getting on with life.
2. Booze is another way out of the overload. Again, you do not drown the problem, you irrigate it. Watch out for getting into this crutch. You may not be able to get rid of it later.
3. Your subconscious may decide, "overload;" having an illness will get some of this off me. You will then make yourself sick, or you will have an accident or arrange by some such method to cut down the processing load for a time.
4. You could even go crazy; it is an option your subconscious may choose.
SINCE THERE IS NO PROCESSING SOLUTION TO ALL THIS, YOUR COMPUTER SENDS SURVIVAL ALARMS TO YOUR BODY
Anxiety, fears, uptight, not able to sleep, stomach knotted up, they feel emotionally drained and physically exhausted.
ON TOP OF PROCESSING OVER & OVER ALL THIS OLD GARBAGE, YOUR COMPUTER IS HANDLING MORE "CHANGE"' AND "NEW" THAN YOU HAVE EVER HANDLED IN A SHORT TIME.
"'Change" and "new" are emotionally exhausting because you are on "manual." After you have done some of this many, many times, you can do it automatically. Like learning to drive your car, it is now automatic, little or no effort, but initially while learning it, the initial efforts were exhausting. Learning to be single and independent, initially you are on "manual."
Just being terribly depressed takes you out of the ballgame. Going crazy takes you clear out. You don't have to 'cope' with reality any more.
WHEN YOUR MENTAL PROCESSOR IS OVERLOADED PAST THE BREAKING POINT, YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS WILL CHOOSE ONE OF THE ABOVE METHODS OF GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THE LOAD
So you need to: 1. Cut down on any unnecessary changes right now (requires lots of computer time to handle newness): 2. Stop processing the old over and over. 3. Stop trying to analyze and figure out problems that have no solution (crazy-making) . 4. Get some method to give your computer processing time.
TO GET PROCESSING TIME, TAKE THE LOAD OFF YOUR COMPUTER DAILY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME
Now, you may recognize you have more things to process right now than you have ever had. Your problem is to give it processing time to catch up. Right now you need to give it more time than usual and because of your divorce, you are probably giving it less.
THE BEST PROCESSING TIME IS WHEN YOU ARE HAVING "FUN."
When you are having fun, you are not adding new or reprocessed problem input and your big computer catches up.
INITIALLY, GOING OUT TO SINGLES EVENTS MAY MEAN MORE STRESS AND PROCESSING TIME RATHER THAN PURE FUN
When you start going out to meet new people and get into dating, you are adding to your computer's overload though this may all be under the category of fun. It is unfamiliar fun and should be postponed until you get some of your overload under control. For now, do fun things and recreation that is nonstressful and familiar. When you catch up on some of this processing of your divorce, then you can start going out and making that the fun part of your life.
WHEN YOUR BIG MENTAL COMPUTER CATCHES UP, IT CAN READILY HANDLE SOME NEW PROBLEMS.
When it was already overloaded, a new happening or problem can wipe you out. Therefore, the best thing you can do to cope is spend more time on recreational fun activities. (Be good to yourself.) When you become divorced, you usually stop doing fun things.
THE VERY TIME IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU NEED "MORE FUN," YOU STOP.
You say, "I don't feel like having fun. I feel like I need to stay home and 'figure' this all out in my head." We say, "'Wrong? backwards." Your big computer will process and handle everything nicely if you stop the input we mentioned and deliberately give your big subconscious computer "breathing" time to catch up.
When you use your conscious mind computer (only about 10% of your mental powers), you use a lot of emotional energy and get poor results. When you just turn it over to your subconscious (big computer) and "sleep" on it or have fun on it, the problem will fall in place and be handled easily and automatically.
DELIBERATELY SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELF "NOW" TO DO FUN THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.
No matter how expensive it is, it will likely be far cheaper than the physical doctor bills and psychiatrist bills you may have without it.
MOST MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN.
They were brought up during and right after the Depression. When you are in trouble, work harder, don't goof off. Having fun was "wasting" your time.
SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE YOU KNOW CONSTANTLY TAKE TIME OFF FOR "FUN."
They let their computer "catch up"' and they make more money working half as long. They do a better, smarter job and can handle more "garbage" in their life without it bothering them. All because they deliberately take time to have fun.
THE SECRET OF HANDLING LIFE' S DIFFICULTIES IS HAVING TWO HOURS OF PURE FUN A DAY.
Unstructured, something that has little or not payoff other than it is pleasurable. But, boy, is that hard to do when you are newly divorced.
YOU CANNOT BE DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE SOME GREAT "FUN" THINGS COMING UP.
If you were going on a long dreamed about trip to Hawaii next week, could you be depressed this week? Hardly. Your mind couldn't be getting "garbage" input; it would be getting pleasant thoughts input. In addition, while you are having fun, your computer would catch up.
So anytime you line up some future fun, you get two benefits. One, something to look forward to (instead of dwelling on your current hassles), and then actually enjoying it and giving your computer some catch up time.
LEARN HOW TO HAVE FUN
Yes, having fun is a learned process. It may be of help here merely to say "let your kid out again." We will not take up space here in teaching how to have fun, primarily because I do not consider us to be good at it. We merely want to call your attention to the fact you need (now more than ever) to learn how to have fun again. Do not tell us you do not have the time or money. (Somehow you will find the time and money if you are sick.) Find the same time and money for fun right now and you will be far ahead.
NEXT ISSUE: Take a personal inventory for your new life.
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