STARTING OVER AGAIN
Part 1 -
A Continuing Series on Getting on With Your Life
By Harlan L. Jacobsen (Copyright 1996)
DIVORCE - BOTH AN END TO SOMETHING AND A GREAT NEW BEGINNING.
You may have decided that divorce and/or the loss of a relationship was the worst thing that ever happened to you. Most newly divorced people feel that way. I did too, initially, so much so that I lost 27 pounds because of the death of a big relationship. For six months, I never as much as went to lunch with a member of the opposite sex. But, looking back, I see I made so many great changes as a result of that divorce, that it was, in fact, the best thing that ever happened to me.
Six months from now, you too will say, DIVORCE WAS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. It is hard to see now, but you too could possibly feel that way, but by the time you have read several issues, practiced it, and get on with your new life, you will begin to realize that, "Hey, Harlan is right. This can be the beginning of a great new life for me and I can hardly wait to get started." Six months from now, you will look back and say, "This is great, I really should have gotten divorced years ago."
We are going to tell you how to get from what is probably the most miserable traumatic time of your life to the best part of your life in a short time. Nope, we are not going to do it for you. You are going to have to get your own act together. We are just going to give you a road map in this paper. You have the options to wander off the road and take detours and get hung up different places, or you can get on the freeway and stay on all the way with us, or you can decide to stay where you are in your present quagmire. Our guarantee: Read this newspaper and practice what we tell you. If, in six weeks, you are not well on your way to a great new life, we will assure you that you can get all your miserables back. What have you got to lose? Nothing. And, you have a great new life to gain. Stick with us and we will show you the way.
HOW TO BE A HAPPY SINGLE
Hundreds of thousands of divorced people throughout the country are happier than they have ever been in their lives. What do they all have in common? They have adjusted to single life and learned to function happily as a single person. The secret? Well, it doesnít depend on who you know, your financial circumstances, or Lady Luck. It all depends on your getting it all together.
Do you know some singles who are having the most enjoyable, memorable time of their lives and have taken to it like a duck takes to water? Did you ever wonder what they know that you donít? Have you wondered how they are always right in the middle of everything and things are getting better for them all the time? Did you ever wonder what they have going for them that you donít? Well, read on....
WHERE DO I GET OFF GIVING YOU ADVICE?
First, Iíd like to tell you a little about me. I am divorced. Twice, as a matter of fact, with an earth-shattering romance in between that ended in tragedy. The last time I decided to get a divorce, I decided that there had to be more to life than this marriage. Then, there had to be a better way than going through the miserables for a couple of years again to adjust to single life. Not knowing whether I was going to wind up with the retail business or not on account of the divorce, I had some time. I did a lot of research into how others had adjusted quickly to being single and what they were doing that I could do. Well, I have never stopped learning and have been writing on the subject for years, putting some of this into practice and interviewing hundreds of other singles on how to cope with the problems of single adjustment and how they function happily and successfully.
This has given me a better insight, since I have been studying and experiencing, as well as closely observing all this at the same time. I havenít just studied the subject - I have lived it! Experimenting and observing what works and what doesnít. No, I donít claim to know it all, but what I do know, I am willing to share.
I DONíT HAVE A DEGREE IN ANYTHING BUT HARD KNOCKS Actually, I have never felt I needed to get a degree to make up for a lack of intelligence. The one in "hard knocks" I got, whether I wanted to earn it or not. Most of the "shrinks," and others with fancy degrees, do come up with some good stuff that helps us adjust to being single. Their training and background is, however, nearly all the same. Basic theory, some experience in counseling, and learning some things about divorce trauma from their clients who canít cope. Most of their input has been the problems of single people who are not coping. What they have been learning is mainly singlesí suffering.
YOU AND I BOTH ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEMS ARE. You want practical solutions that work immediately, not months of therapy. So did I. I talked to hundreds of single adults who were divorced and widowed and were getting along great. So, I listened for their solutions to problems that newly divorced people have to work through to get to the other side of the miseries mountain. There were excellent easy passes and shortcuts. I found which ones can work for you and me and lots of other newly singled people who might stumble across this paper.
YOU CAN TAKE YEARS TO ADJUST, AND STILL BE MISERABLE, OR YOU CAN FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND THE WORLD IN A SHORT TIME...LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE!
Before you conclude that I am some kind of a "swinging" single with far-out ideas or the new morality, etc., let me say that I came from a background probably much like yours, but I realize the world has changed and is changing. Old ideas and attitudes that no longer fit can cause you to be unnecessarily unhappy. You donít need any enemies -- you do all sorts of bad things to yourself. Your programming is like wearing a too-tight pair of shoes. Everything is a real pain, and it takes all the joy out of life. I have gone that route. As I said, I lost 27 pounds after my tragedy romance and never dated again for over six months. At that time, I didnít know anything about being single successfully and if I had given you any advice then, it would have been the "blind leading the blind."
MOST HAPPILY ADJUSTED SINGLES HAD JUST AS BAD A DIVORCE AS YOU HAD.
There is no such thing as a happy divorce. We initially try to escape from the "All alone" miserables by hunting for somebody new to make us whole. Somebody to "make" us happy. True, I did the same thing. I then found out the batting average of those who did this in the first six months to a year after divorce was practically zero. Mate-hunting is initially out. Learning to stand on your own two feet and to be responsible for your own happiness that is what attracts great relationships that add to your growth and happiness. Learning to live alone happily is in. Then that certain "someone," when they do come along, is allowed the privilege of sharing your joy-and not rescuing you from the miserables.
I HAVE STUMBLED UPON SOME GREAT METHODS OF GETTING IT TOGETHER IN A VERY SHORT TIME.
No, we canít do it for you, but we can show you the way, and furnish some maps that should help. You have to have enough sense to stay on the road and the motivation to get yourself there. There are zillions of books and theories under a lot of different names and it would take you a couple of years to sort through. Much of this I discovered rather by accident, so you may not run into it anywhere else, no matter how hard you look.
YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT THE CROSSROADS
Decisions, attitudes and the basic philosophies you select and make part of your life now will determine what happens to you and what your happiness quotient is for the rest of your life. You can muddle through barely existing day to day, or you can make the rest of your life the best of your life. It can seem like you never had a chance to really live until now.
THE MOST VALUABLE THING YOU HAVE ON EARTH IS THE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT HERE
It is just too valuable to use up great gobs of it being in an unhappy uptight state. Most of us act like we have another two hundred years. Yes, time heals everything, but let me tell you, you canít afford to use up that much of your life being miserable. Let me tell you another reason.
YOU ARE PROBABLY EATING YOURSELF UP, PHYSICALLY, WITH STRESS, AND DOING YOUR BODY GREAT DAMAGE. According to Dr. Benson of Harvard, author of the book The Relaxation Response, widows have twice the chance of dying the first year after their loss than others the same age. He states that newly divorced are twelve times as likely to come down with a major illness within a year of their divorce as others the same age. Recent research indicates that most cancer patients had the loss of a loved one eighteen months before the diagnosis of cancer. Long periods of stress can shorten your life expectancy.
YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO ALLOW YOUR BODY TO BE UNDER THIS STRAIN FOR LONG. Adding up all of the upsetting things that have happened to you during and after divorce, you will find that probably this is the most extreme stressful period of your life. How long you stay under this stress is up to you. You can get rid of most of it in a short time-and weíll show you how.
YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BE MISERABLE LONG.
Many of us say, "I am no good. I deserve to be miserable longer. I havenít served my full sentence yet." Baloney. Get off your duff and start doing something about it. Start living like a happy human being. Life is just too short and valuable to be miserable or cut any years from your life expectancy, due to divorce stress.
WE THINK WE HAVE SOME SHORTCUTS THAT HELP. In the subsequent issues of this paper, weíll show you how to get help from new singles friends. Not everything works for everyone, but you are sure to pick up some things that will get you moving in the right direction. What we want to do is to expand your life like you have never done before. Ever day, in every way, everything gets better and better. We all have just so much time on earth and it becomes more valuable as we learn how to use, share and enjoy it to the maximum.
HERE ARE THREE QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU...
Are you tired of being lonely, miserably and unhappy much of the time? Do you agree there has to be a better way of life and more to life than your single life so far? Are you sick and tired of the way things have been and are you ready to get off your duff and do something about it?
If the answer is "yes" then you should not only read, but get yourself involved with the principles outlined in this series on becoming a happy successful single, who is building a great new life from the ground up.
STOP KIDDING YOURSELF; NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.
As a single person you and you alone control and are solely responsible for your own success, happiness and well being. If you are still wallowing through life one year from now, you will have no one to blame but yourself. No super someone is going to come along and rescue you from your present plight -- if you are a lady, no magic prince is going to ride up on a white horse to make you happy forever after. You men need to stop waiting for a princess to come along and kiss you and turn you from a frog into a prince.
You find others by finding yourself first. When you have your act together, other "winners" will want to bask in your sunshine. Like attracts like. You have been emotionally handicapped and attract others in the same condition. You have been spinning your wheels wasting your time, searching constantly, trying to find someone who has it together to make your life meaningful. When you know and they know that you can get the most out of life on your own, then the right person for you, who has their act together too, will appear like magic.
WE CANíT PROMISE YOU YOU WONíT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS
God apparently meant for us to have both problems and happiness. But, right now, are you so hung up on the problems that you havenít any room for happiness in your single life?
ARE YOU WILLING TO SPEND A FEW EVENINGS READING, STUDYING AND LEARNING TO BECOME A MATURE, EMOTIONALLY LIBERATED SINGLE?
If you are ready to free yourself, then this paperís future issues will have the answers for you. However, the series wonít do it for you -- you are going to have to do it yourself. It will require some discipline and a lot of effort on your part. If you are too lazy to change, this series, as a road map for your journey, will be a waste of time. We actually hope you have been shaken so badly now by your divorce that you are ready to take hold of your life and accept responsibility for it and do something with it.
Related Series: Adjusting To Single Life; Divorce, Tragedy or Opportunity, click here
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