Reprogramming for a New Life

Divorce Tragedy or Opportunity

Part Five A Series of Articles On Adjusting to Divorce
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright 2003


It took you quite a while to get your life screwed up-- it will now take you a little while to straighten it out so do not get impatient.

    Follow what I suggest in this series of articles
    and things will get better for you. . . everyday in every way.

If you are out of physical shape, it will take you........ more......than five days to get in shape and........... so will this.......
......though you should be able to detect progress right from the start.

    For what you are today - shame on your parents, your ex-spouse, friends, etc.

They all contributed to your past programming which has gotten you to what might seem to be a dead end.

    If you stay there now........
    .......... it is shame on you - no one else!

What you are now going to become...............
.................... is entirely up to you.

    It is no longer up to your parents or to your spouse.

      Your life is composed of millions of choices.

    Learn to change the choices you have been making,- for the better -and your life will change for the better.

      You are going to change your programming to become more self-centered.

No one is going to look after your interests but you.

    now totally responsible for yourself-- perhaps for the first time so if you have an undesirable life now (and stay with it) it is all your own fault.

    You will learn to live for yourself and do the things you want to do.

      You must rely on yourself because the minute you ask someone else to do something for you that you should be able to do for yourself you are losing self-confidence.

      Somewhere along the line (maybe when you were about four years old) your subconscious accepted from your conscious mind the programming (a decision you made) that to be happy and feel loved I have to please my parents.

        Your folks said, "I will love you if you do this."

      If you do that I won't love you.

        This is called conditional love.

      If you please us, by getting good grades, we will love you.

        You have accepted and made the decision and have been using the programming that pleasing others is the way to be loved and happy.


        To Be Happy and Loved I Must Be Pleasing Someone


        Now I Can Do Whatever Pleases Myself And Just Make Me Happy

        When you get divorced voluntarily or involuntarily you have perhaps made the first step in learning pleasing ourselves instead of pleasing others.

          You have been either rebelling and doing everything you can do to displease like many college kids do to their parents or up until now you have been locked into conformity doing what others wanted in order to please.

        A word of caution here.

          Do not switch your situation over to living strictly to please your kids.

        This is one of the worst moves you can make.

          Another word of caution on the kids. Kids of divorce have a feeling of emptiness because they have not yet developed independent relationships.

        Lonely, bewildered divorced parents that enlist a child as a confidant or security blanket are making things unfairly even more difficult for the child.

        It used to be that our ancestors accepted misery as a natural state.

        We no longer do.

          We now have more options than any previous generation has had.

        We realize that we have a right to expect and seek better than we have been getting.

        Many people are dissatisfied with their life and they remove what they consider as the offenders.

        1. The job is changed,
        2. Get rid of the spouse,
        3. Change occupations
        4. Move to a new area
        5. Or whatever

        But often it does not help because we just have not mastered the art of learning to be happy and rather than change things we very often need to change ourselves most of all.

          Many have been living to be happy when they finish school, when they get married again or always sometime when something is supposed to happen to make everyone happy in the future.

            You have been looking at happiness as something that is going to happen sometime in the future.

          You have been waiting for this happiness as something that is going to happen sometime in the future, not something you do.

          Happiness should start right now!

          Have happy days as you go, means happy years and a happy life.

          You have all the seeds of happiness.

            You have been waiting for permission to be happy.

          You are on your own and you alone can give yourself permission to be happy and live a full life.

            This is one of your new choices.
          You must choose deliberately to set a course for happiness.

            Up until now you have had someone to blame and that's the easy thing to do--rather than take responsibility for our own lives.

              When you make yourself feel bad you say you couldn't help yourself when, in fact, you could.
            So you have now come to the crossroads of life.

              Am I going to put myself up or am I going to put myself down?

            Are you going to program your subconscious to work for or against you?

              How many people do you know who are literally their own worst enemy?

              They do not need anyone to do bad things to them, They do bad things to themselves!

                They are programmed to do things to themselves............
                .............that makes them feel bad instead of things that make them happy.

              You are constantly putting yourself down, incorrectly concluding you must be inferior or that there is something wrong with you.

                If you can't find anything, then you worry about things that don't even exist.

                  Yet you shut out and do not dwell on all the great things about you.

                There are some people, of course, who tune out and refuse to admit they have faults.

                  They have to pretend they are perfect for fear they may be nothing but faults if you ever get started on that.

                They literally refuse to look at themselves.

                  They are perfect but there is something wrong with everyone else.

                You must be able to look at and admit the ways you are putting yourself down.

                  We need and search for recognition from others when the most important thing is to give yourself recognition.

                Give yourself the recognition you deserve when you do something you are proud of.

                  Dwell on it and bask in it.

                You need to learn to really feel good about yourself.

                  Take time right here to make a list on paper of your accomplishments.

                  Now that's not a bad record, is it?

                Think about that!

                  You're really a pretty good person.

                You have every right to be here and you haven't tapped a fraction of your real potential to this point in time.

                  You have been held back by some cross programming, an inner struggle.

                  Almost like having the air conditioner and the furnace on at the same time.

                    Change the negative programming and you can be a real moving person without that inner

                  You can, as they say, "have it all together!"

                    From here on you are going to stop doing what makes you feel good inside or out and start doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

                  Meet your own expectations--feel good about having accomplishing them.

                      .......... Don't put things off.

                        You gratify your whole self by taking care of your responsibilities toward others as well.

                      You are, however, becoming self centered enough to care about yourself and to really care for yourself.

                        You are now making choices and accepting responsibility for, choosing your own best interests.

                      When you make choices you will have conflicts.

                        Do I want to take a job?

                          Yes, however, do I want to put the kids in the nursery?

                        That's conflict.

                          By now you realize that freedom means that you are not totally free!
                        No freedom is free from external influences.

                          You are free when you accept responsibility for your choices and the choices you make are for your own self interests.

                        Up until now you have been giving yourself sort of a negative programming. . . which your subconscious then tries to fulfill.

                          You say, "I am a slob, I do everything wrong, I will never do any better."

                        Your subconscious is basically a goal seeking mechanism that accepts without question what you give it.

                          Most of the advisor and success book writers have been advocating for years that you get to your subconscious mind with positive suggestions, getting up in the morning saying over several times to yourself, "every day in every way I am getting better and better," or reading little cards you have placed all over that say,
                        "By January 1, I will have reached my goal which is __________."

                          Then, after doing this over and over, your subconscious accepts it and you start doing the right things to accomplish it instead of acting on all the negative suggestions you have been giving yourself.

                        Self-hypnosis is similar but more of a shortcut to change your subconscious programming.

                          This is a form of magic of believing: if you can get your subconscious mind to accept that you are a great (whatever) it will set to work to make you a great (whatever) it is you want.

                          If, as a parent, you believe and keep telling your child how smart they are in school they will live up to that.

                            If you keep telling them they are dumb they will live up to that, too.

                          Friends will negative program you also with negative statements you accept, such as if three people in a row tell you in the morning that you look ill, they claim that you'll go home sick by noon.

                            However, from now on you will tune out and not be affected by rejections or negative suggestions.

                          You will be doing your own positive adjusting.

                            Do you really want to move on to a better life?

                              Right now we will discuss more on the necessity and the practical side of changing your programming or your reaction to things that have happened or that do happen.

                            You have seen people have a breakup or rejection so to speak that absolutely crushed one person.

                              You have also seen someone else that was just as deeply involved survive a similar situation with very little problem.

                            The difference was in programming or how they rationally look at the happening.

                              Your attitude about divorce and your present attitude about life in general will be a determining factor on your learning to adjust to a happy single life.

                              Your subconscious programming will need to be changed to change your life for the better and to function and react happily to single life.

                                One of your major problems now in developing new friends, and relationships, for example, will be your fear of rejection.

                              This will be one example of a program change you need to make in your subconscious.

                                Somewhere along the line by your divorce or perhaps somewhere as far back as childhood your subconscious accepted the statement or thought that to be rejected is horrible and it is terribly depressing.

                                  It ruins my whole day, week or month to be put down.

                                Put down or rejection I am depressed because I was rejected.

                                  How you act to events is your programming on attitude about the event.

                              This is the way this looks on paper:

                              HAPPENING.... Being put down,

                              PROGRAMMING To Be Rejected =

                              I Am Depressed

                              Divorce Is Horrible, It Is the End-Of-The-world.

                              RE-PROGRAMMING RESULT

                              Put Down... Everybody Is rejected, I Am Still Happy!

                              Divorce, 50% Get Divorced and People Get Rejected Every Day.

                              .................It Is Normal.

                              There Are Lots Of people........

                                Who Don't Reject me.

                                  This is the way your mind processes the happening and it follows the programming your subconscious has been given and has accepted the predictable result.

                                    By changing your programming to "rejection is routine and happens to everyone." I now sluff it off and go on to bigger and better.

                                  Rejection doesn't bother me.

                                    Changing this programming will be necessary for you to be able to develop new relationships easily.

                                  So you must decide--is your present programming hurting you?

                                    Odds are it is and you need to change it.

                                  You have been afraid to meet new people because you were afraid of rejection,

                                    You're afraid to meet new people--"nobody can say they rejected me." Learn to take risks.

                                  Change your programming so you can accept rejection as routine and go on from there.

                                    Then you will be able to meet new people without being afraid.

                                  Some of your programming that needs changing was put there by the church over and over telling you something you accept that is negative.

                                    Christians always suffer; therefore, I should suffer.

                                      You must believe in sacrificing.

                                    A Christian is a giving person.

                                    You must as a christian expect to suffer when you do something bad like getting divorced.

                                      Do not be selfish and do things just for your own benefit or pleasure.

                                        We sometimes interpret this to mean no self-interest. We have been just giving and our programming is that we must be "sacrificing" our interests and pleasures for others.

                                      We do not know how to take. Just giving constantly our bucket runs dry.

                                        You do not exist to live through others.

                                          This is the biggest programming mistake of all.

                                        That will need to be changed to live happily as a single.

                                          Some Christian programming, if accepted non-critically and literally, can cause us some problems.

                                        Divorce counselors can cite you several problems as a result of church repetitive statements that are accepted non-critically and incorrectly becoming part of your programming that affects your functioning happily as a single.

                                          It is how this is applied to your present situation that presents the problem.

                                        Your church can be a strong foundation for your re-adjustment and we are in no way knocking that.

                                          Only some programming here that can and does make it almost impossible to have a happy single life unless it is corrected.

                                        If you can afford to take two or three years to adjust you will eventually rationally correct it.

                                          You can, however, do it sooner, if you realize what old programming is causing your unhappiness.

                                            Next issue we will discuss where you are going and how to set goals to get there.


                                        Read Part Six Reprogram Your Life

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                                        Read Related 43 part series, starting over, go here

                                        Related Articles: Rejection Series


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