Two Things To Do To Move
Out Of Pain
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
TWO THINGS NECESSARY TO DO BEFORE YOU CAN MOVE OUT OF "WHAT WAS"
AND MOVE INTO A BRIGHT NEW LIFE.
Processing your divorce trauma to "make sense out of it" and get
it filed away to where it "no longer" screws up your life.
Here in this article I am going to take the liberty to try to draw
a mental picture to help you understand this "necessary process".
You can work thru this in as little as 30 days and get on with your
new life, you can take the "usual" two years to get a normal life
back or you can stay screwed up for the rest of your life by this
"Why getting free divorce help may not work," Go
Let us say, that you have 100 (arbitrary figure we picked out of
nowhere.) mental emotional issues from your divorce trauma that
need to be resolved before you are going to be able to be back up
to your old capabilities and normal life.
Let us visualize a four drawer file cabinet, bottom drawer all the
way out, 3rd drawer out 3/4 of the way, 2nd drawer half way out
and top drawer 1/4 way out.
Someone drops and throws your 100 divorce trauma file folders, (big
ones) right on top of these extended drawers so part covers all
four drawers in great disarray.
Since your life is normally processed and operated from what is
in these 4 files of your "life experiences" and now they are all
but covered up by a mess of "unfiled" traumatic mis mash,
you will not be able to fully function as you have in the past.
Until these large divorce trauma files get filed and you regain
free access to your normal life files, your life will be a distraught
You can take the normal two years to get it all back in order, you
can even be so upset you disregard ever doing anything, and be one
mixed up neurotic person for the rest of your life.
Until you do, the experts recommend you make no major decisions
such as buying or selling your house, moving to Hong Kong or any
thing at all that requires good thinking.
BECAUSE UNTIL THIS FILE MESS IS CLEANED UP YOU WILL LIKELY MAKE
A LOT OF DUMB DECISIONS AND DO A LOT OF DUMB THINGS.
Since you are not now really operating from a full deck, so to speak
(not up to your usual capabilities).
Now we will tell you how you work thru and file away correctly this
big traumatic unresolved divorce file mess.
What determines how long before you get a normal life back, is based
on how long it takes before you have these "divorce trauma files,"
filed away and regain full access to your "normal life" files again.
Your mental "processor" works on sorting each unresolved file out
to determine where and how it is filed only when it hears you "talk
Thinking about it over and over does not get it filed away where
it causes no more problem.
Only "talking it out" where you big computer hears you saying (or
writing down) how you consider it to make sense. Then it is
You can ruminate over and over trying to process this thinking about
it day after day to try to make sense of it and get it out
of the way.
It never gets filed however until your big computer hears you "talk
Some extremely traumatic files you will have to talk about
2 or 3 times before your processor makes sense out of it and hands
it off to your big computers "file away" system.
So the key here is you do have to "talk it out" to progress with
the "clear it out" project.
Two non-talking substitutes may indeed work as well as talking it
out, though we have no defining experience here yet so maybe they
do indeed work as well or almost as well.
First keeping a written journal of your thoughts and feelings where
you see where you are on that right now on the issues in your unresolved
files and how it changes from day to day, this is reported to work
Participating in divorce chat, email (and yes, even snail mail)
with other people in the process, relatives friends etc. on what
you are going thru is reported to work as well.
The results we tested and observed were almost entirely on actually
talking it out.
Why not use all three and speed the process.
We found it really does not matter much who you talk it out with,
providing they know how to listen and do not cut you off from expounding
First choice would be a professional therapist who is well trained
not only on how to listen but how to draw you out and get you to
talk about what needs "talking out".
Second choice would be a well run divorce support group where each
person participates fully in talking out their divorce.
Third choice would be regular contact and talk in person,
on the phone, instant messaging and email, (or even snail mail)
with individuals currently also in some stage of divorce adjustment
or have completely worked thru it.
Fourth choice would be friends and relatives that know how to listen
(hard to find).
We used an arbitrary figure for your situation of 100 unresolved
divorce "blobs of data" so lets use an arbitrary large figure of
needing to talk each file out 3 times.
It (could be 1 time each or 5 times), this is just an example and
varies from individual to individual)
If these were accurate figures, (may be higher or lower) you would
need, in this example to have 300 full fledge talks about your divorce
Full fledged conversations about your unresolved divorce files,
this will activate your big computer to file them harmlessly away.
Will stop "screwing up your life" by no longer keeping, your regular
"life experience" files from being accessed normally.
When all this "talking out" is accomplished, then your divorce would
have been all filed away and its affect on your life is then history.
Your life will start to work much better when you get even half
of the mis mash sorted.
However, be sure you finish the job of clearing out all these divorce
trauma files dumped on you, before you risk adding new trauma.
How long it takes you to clear these out,, will determine how long
it is before your divorce no longer screws up your everyday mental
Only then can you really get on with your new life.
People that have huge emotional trauma that was never talked out
have a quirky life and have oddball self imposed limitations that
make no sense whatsoever to people that know them.
The oddball or crazy things they do or wont do in their life are
things that their mental processor no longer has normal access to
because of a blob of something dumped in the way, that has never
been talked out and filed away in its proper place.
If they go to a therapist ten years after the traumatic event or
happening, what they work on is clearing out this blob of still
unresolved emotional trauma (by talking it out) so they eventually
regain a full functional life capability.
This is perhaps an over simplification but it seems to have
helped people understand the importance of what this "talking it
out" thing is all about.
Once you understand it, then you can decide how to handle it and
We know that you CAN get from the worse time of your life to the
best time in six months or less.
What we try to do here is explain to you how those that do it, in
6 months, what steps they took. What concepts they worked with and
what really was effective for them.
You can take as long as you like, it is your life.
Realize, however, that your life is made up of time. You can eat
up a good part of your "class A" life time, unnecessarily hung up
in your divorce process.
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