Tired of Hearing - "Get A Life" -
"Move On", - And - "Let
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
Folks telling you this are trying to help you, but need to know you don't want to hear it, their advice is unwelcome and going nowhere with you.
It is like your telling a friend whos health you are greatly concerned about, to "stop smoking".
They too, are sick and tired of hearing this as they keep right on coughing and puffing away.
No matter how much advice or pressure is applied, neither one can even consider realistic change until some big overiding issues are resolved.
Remembering way back when I had a sudden traumatic loss of a relationship, I really had no one talk to about it at the time, so anyone that I ran into and would stand still, I told them on and on, about it.
People would avoid me because they did not want to hear anymore about it.
Eventually after talking about it with people maybe about 100 times, then I found I just did not have to do that anymore.
Then for a while if someone asked me about it, I would tell them an abbreviated version.
Eventually, I got to a place where when someone asked me about it.....I would simply change the subject, I just did not want to talk about it anymore, it was now a dead issue of no consequence.
In our classes we found that it really did not matter much who you talked it out with, if they were a good listener. Most people do not want to hear about it, are uncomfortable with it and cut you off with. "get a life' etc.
Others in the class were going thru the same thing and were good listeners because they understood.
Support groups of this type are of great help for this reason.
When you are past all this it is a good idea for you to "pay back" and continue with the group, to help by hearing others talk it out with someone that knows what this is all about.
Professional counselors and some clergy are trained to listen and draw you out to really talk about what is unresolved for you.
Keeping a journal, a written log of what you are thinking and feeling each day, a divorce diary, is also a great help in resolving the unresolved.
A combination of the two would be ideal.
The problem with the lack of people to talk it out with is that just when you needed them the most you often lose your friend network.
One of the things you divide in divorce seems to be the friends.
Certainly, you lose almost all of the in-laws, they have to take sides, and the married friends that wind up on your side become gun shy, they are a little afraid that whatever it is you just got, may be "catching" and they just don't want to take any chances of "getting it" and avoid you like you had came down with the plague..
Many in the divorce classes were very bitter that their married friends all shun them now, sort of like rats deserting a sinking ship, they would say.
Here is an article by a person that has just been one year in the process and how they kept their friend network alive after divorce and how this support group of retained friends were instrumental in their working thru the divorce process. Go here
After nearly 30 years of working with this, I now think maybe we can shorten this up and get past all of these "unresolved issues" that normally have to be talked out over quite a long period to make sense and get them filed away or deleted harmlessly.
Now I think that maybe we can, by using sort of a form of a divorce "UNINSTALL" software to go into your big mental computer and delete all of this almost overnight.
MENTAL SOFTWARE TO "UNINSTALL THE EX AFFECT" FROM YOUR PROGRAMMING AND FILES
Much of your "ex affect" still in some way taking up space, and slowing down and getting in the way of processing your new life, in all sorts of your big mental computer files.
In the process of ten years of classes we put together a "self hypnosis" script which essentially does just that, UNINSTALL THE EX AFFECT by eliminating these unresolved blobs almost over night.
You will find that in the starting over series and suggest you read at least some of the series before getting to that.
There are 43 parts. http://divorcerecovery101.com/soa1.htm
The self hypnosis was used with thousands successfully and I would like to update but no longer have a class to perfect a shorter version with.
Therefore I have now boiled it down to what I consider are the most common to most people as misconceptions and faulty beliefs that became part of your programming as a result of the divorce.
These are about 38 misconceptions you can look at and we will tell you why these are erroneous false beliefs you have made life controlling during the divorce process.
Make a decision,.......
Get these misconceptions and faulty beliefs out of acting as key parts and deleted from your present operating system and you should be "good to go" into your new life.
You then should be able to take their advice, "Let Go", "Move On" and "Get a Life".
So far in this article we have been trying to help you understand why you have difficulty moving on, and "getting a life" when you have been thru some traumatic experience and have not completed working thru it.
We said that this having folks keep telling you to "get a life". "move on" and "let go" is about as unsuccessful as telling a smoker to "stop smoking".
We said that like the smoker, those experiencing these severe traumatic divorce happenings, have some very difficult issues to get past before making any difficult changes is even feasable.
The easiest way we found to help you understand this is to explain that your big mental computer is overloaded with a huge file. (the traumatic happening, in this case divorce).
Plus you have what we are now calling the EX AFFECT which means programming ingrained from being together is all over and mixed in what your belief system has latched on to as operating system along with your personal basic life operating system and files.
Your big mental computer processing and handling the rest of your normal life processes slows to a crawl or occassionally freezes up and stops entirely as a result of this mismash..
Until you fully process and get this "traumatic happening" made sense of, sorted out and filed away and get the EX AFFECT cleared out you are not in full control of what you would need or like to do.
see also related article.... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/pain.html Your job preformance, your sleep patterns, your interactions with people, your physical body and much of your life is adversely affected until this is processed and filed away.
There are only three ways we are aware of to speed this processing, making sense of it and filing it away and getting back to normal handling of life functions and events.
1. Talk the "traumatic happening" out over and over, with counselors, divorce support groups, understanding friends, clergy etc.
2. Write down, journaling in a diary your feelings and thoughts about the "happening" every day. Seeing daily your changing feelings and thoughts about it in black and white.
3. Changing how you "look at or view and react" to the "happening.
Or UNINSTALL THE WHOLE NEGATIVE DIVORCE AND EX AFFECT Until you deliberately work at the above you are going to be "frozen in the affects of divorce trauma" for a long time.
We have other articles on the first two and take up number 3. here.
If you have some incorrect or errouneous beliefs which form your programming, and this is run against what traumatic happening is affecting you, it will not compute or make sense and will take far longer to process and be filed away harmlessly..
Here are some....
INCORRECT BELIEFS YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT FROM THE EX AFFECT HAPPENING. THAT NOW ACTS AS YOUR BASIC OPERATING SYSTEM.
1. I was rejected.
2. I was betrayed
3. I am no longer desireable
4. My life is totally out of my control
6. I will never be able to find anyone again
7. I was lied to, about what was going on.
8. Cruel unfair way to End the marriage.
9. Why me? this is just not fair.
10. Angry and shocked, no warning.
11. Our marriage vows were ignored....
12. I "Failed" to make my "marriage" last.
13. The ex spouse is right, I am defective
15. Everyone thinks I am damaged goods
16. GOD has abandoned me.
17. Terrified of handling my future alone.
18. Friends think my spouse made a fool of me
19. My whole marriage must have been a lie
20. Cheated, this is not "til death do us apart"
21. Afraid to make all these decisions alone
22. Is it worth it to even try to survive alone?
23. My family sees me as a failure.
24. I will always be alone, on holidays.
25. Divorce means my Kids lives will be ruined
26. I've wasted the best years of my life.
27. I can never ever be truly happy again.
28. I will "never have a Sex life again".
29. There is no light at the end of this tunnel
30. I will never trust the opposite sex again
31. No one else will ever be interested in me
32. No one to take care of me when i am sick
33. I am not complete without a partner
34. I'm no good.
35. No one will ever love me again.
36. It's all my fault.
37. He/She was the only person for me.
38. Overwhelmed....Just too big a hill
We said that the self hypnosis tape program in the Starting Over Series could act as UNISTALL software to eliminate these in one sweep.
But that in addition to clean sweep method....
..... Here we are going to go thru these with you to help you make a decision on these as ALL erroneous and to help clean up and correct your "belief system", which is what makes up your programing and operating system.
Part two coming soon!
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