Keep Your Married Friends

Ian Crabtree is a 45 year old Software Developer living in San Diego. He has been divorced for 1 year after being married for 22 years and helping to raise a son who is finishing up high school. In his free time he enjoys traveling, photography, cooking, dancing and hiking. He never considered himself a writer and still remembers the words of his 7th grade English teacher after grading his first paper, "who told you that you could write".

Before I start let me introduce myself. My name is Ian and my letter was included in issue #31 of Divorce Recovery 101, go here.

With the introduction out of the way, lets get started on today's topic, Misconception #18 "Friends think my spouse made a fool of me"

I have been divorced a year and I will be speaking about what I have learned in that year.

Since I will be writing from my experience I chose to write in the first person.

Let me offer a word of encouragement to those of you in pain, take heart it is possible to recovery; if you really want it, you will achieve it.

One short year ago I was in intense pain and today I enjoy my life more than I ever have. Is my life perfect, no, am I happy all the time, no, do I miss living with someone, yes (but not my ex wife), do I believe that if I choose I will be married again one day, yes.

A dear friend told me last year "in 5 years you will look back fondly at this period of your life" at the time I thought he was crazy but now I think he might be right.

Now that you know a little about me, here is information on my topic, what turns out to be a misconception "Friends think my spouse made a fool of me".

For me this issue was about what I imagined reality to be not what it really was. I think I was afraid of embarrassment; what will my friends think of me getting a divorce, will they still care about me, will they think I am a failure, what will my ex tell them about my failures?

I believe leaning on family and friends early in the divorce process was one of the things, which made my recover happen as quickly as it did.

Somehow in my gut I knew this was right even at the beginning.

As a counter example I have a friend who didn't say anything to family and friends for 18 months after her divorce process started and at the 3-year point she is about where I am after a year.

So I knew I had to confront my fear and embarrassment by telling them what was going on.

What a surprise, not a single friend rejected me.

Every friend I contacted accepted what was happening without passing judgment and wanted to keep the communications and friendship open.

The other surprise was how each friend reacted differently, some wanted to talk about the divorce and be a sympathetic ear, some wanted to keep talking on our normal superficial level, and some told me they couldn't handle the emotions but would keep me occupied and distracted.

None of them acted as if my ex had told them terrible things about me, even though I'm pretty sure she did. I kept in regular touch with all of them an kept within the boundaries they had set.

One year later most of those people are still friends.

I get together with them as a couple by myself or maybe I will just meet the husband alone.

One curiosity is that my experience of keeping friends doesn't match the normal pattern, most people loose all of there friends.

Why do I think my story is different?
Well, I regularly contacted everyone to keep them abreast of what was happening in my life, I never tried to make them take sides against my ex, I tried not to say anything bad about her in their presence.

I kept it about the pain I was going through, what I was doing to cope and the new things I was trying and learning.

Don't get the idea I'm a latter day saint, my family and the friends who didn't know her got an earful of how I was the maligned one.

As I started recovering I started letting everyone know all the positive things, which were happening.

Another key is,
.....while family will put up with whining for a long time, a friend's patience wears thinner quicker and with abandon you unless they can see progress and that you are getting on with your life or trying to help yourself.

When this is the case they can't help sticking around because they want to see how it all turns out.

Remember the following words of wisdom

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
- Horace (65-8 BC)".

I hope sharing my experience was a help.

Ian, THANKS FOR SHARING
Go here, to read Ian's e-mail about his recovery.

Readers, Drop us a line any time, but especially,........
When you have been divorced one year, why don't you too drop us a line and share with us and our readers, like Ian has, how it went for you...when it got better, what helped , what really made a difference, what worked, how it is going now.. etc.

Harlan