Single ParentingDating and the Kids?
part 3
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
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Single Parenting Dating and the Kids? part 3 Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003 |
Many newly divorced have a quandary about dating and
the children.
They will tell you the reason they haven't been getting out is on account of "the children." This "sacrifice" is no benefit to the mother or the children's welfare, either one. Others have such a dire need to be with other adults that their children become low on the priority totem pole. Fortunately this stage only lasts a short time. You have to understand that children feel they are going through a divorce too, and you do need to give them more attention and reassurance than usual. However, that does not mean length of time; it means taking a few minutes each day and really giving the100% attention quality of time and attention, not length of time.
Some people say, well, should I bring any of these people I am dating in to meet the children, or should they all spend some time with the children? Experience seems to indicate that the best bet is not to get your children very involved with your dates when you are dating a lot of different people. They tend to easily get attached to certain ones. Introduce your dates to your children when the occasion arises. When you date some certain one on a more regular basis, then you may want to do some joint activities that include both your date and the children. What if you have teenage daughters, for example, and you stay overnight at your date's house, or they stay overnight at your house. Isn't that going to set a bad example for your daughter? You need to have a talk with your daughters. Tell them you have been married for years and that you are over 21, that you may be having one of your men friends staying over but that doesn't mean that sort of thing is ok for them. When they are more mature, have been married for years, or are over 21, then they can decide that sort of thing for themselves, but until that time, no. Tell them you are used to having a man around, having been married, and since you are not going to be getting married again right away, you still want to have some men in your life.
What will your ex do if the children report your new
opposite sex friend is staying over? Sure, they think they should be out having a good time and you should be staying home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, breathing down the children's necks: Sure, they have a mixed bag of feelings about other people having some part in their children's lives, but they grow up and eventually realize it' s a good thing for all that their ex is happy, and the resulting benefits for their children. What you do about dating and fulfilling your sexual needs will depend on your moral attitudes and whether you can change your programming to where you are not uptight about it. When it just sort of flows and seems like the natural thing because of how you view it, and no one is uptight about it, then it can only have a beneficial effect on your overall happiness and as a result, your children's. They are a mirror of how your life is working. Do whatever works and change your programming to allow yourself to be
comfortable with what works.
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