Many newly divorced have a quandary about dating and
It seems that some become super mama(or Disney land Daddy)
and "the children" become "everything" in
They will tell you the reason they haven't
been getting out is on account of "the children."
This "sacrifice" is no benefit to
the mother or the children's welfare, either one.
when they are in what is known as the "running" stage.
Others have such a dire need to be with other adults that their children become low on the
priority totem pole.
Fortunately this stage only lasts a short time.
What we need is sort of a middle
ground. Mother should have time to take care of her needs and the
children should be given extra time and attention to their
needs at other times.
You have to understand
that children feel they are going through a divorce too, and
you do need to give them more attention and reassurance than
However, that does not mean length of time; it
means taking a few minutes each day and really giving the100%
attention quality of time and attention, not length of
HOW WILL THE KIDS REACT?
Some children initially may be threatened by mother
starting to go out or dating. Some may even act up and really
cause a scene or develop problems when you want to go out.
need to explain that if they had to only be with adults all
the time, then they would get crabby and so on, because they
never got to play with other kids their age.
Tell them that when mothers have to just be with kids all
the time and never get to play with other adults their age, well, then
mothers get crabby too (they know this already only too well.)
Now you get to play with the other kids all this other time,
so tonight is my night to get out and play with other adults.
Small children particularly
may feel that if one parent left (deserted them, they feel)
probably the other one will too.
them that no matter what, you will never leave them.
Tell them that if you ever love another adult, that doesn't
you will love them any less.
The love relationship
between a man and a woman is different than love for your children.
You may say initially you may need to spend more time
getting established and comfortable as a single but that will settle
down soon, that you may spend a little less time with them right now than you like, but since you do not have an opposite sex adult living with you like you used to,
you need to go out where other adults are.
SHOULD YOUR DATES MEET THE KIDS?
Some people say, well, should I bring any of these people I am
dating in to meet the children, or should they all spend some time
with the children?
Experience seems to indicate that the best bet
is not to get your children very involved with your dates when you are
dating a lot of different people.
They tend to easily
get attached to certain ones. Introduce your dates to your children
when the occasion arises.
When you date some certain one on a
more regular basis, then you may want to do some joint activities
that include both your date and the children.
What if you
have teenage daughters, for example, and you stay overnight at your
date's house, or they stay overnight at your house. Isn't that going
to set a bad example for your daughter?
You need to have a talk with your daughters. Tell them
you have been married for years and that you are over 21, that you may
be having one of your men friends staying over but that doesn't mean
of thing is ok for them.
When they are more
mature, have been married for years, or are over 21, then they
can decide that sort of thing for themselves, but until that
Tell them you are used to having a man around,
having been married, and since you are not going to be getting married
again right away, you still want to have some men in your
NO POINT PRETENDING
If you pretend that 'Charlie' slept on the couch all night,
you are not fooling anyone. If you are uptight about or try to
pretend something that isn't, then it becomes an emotional issue.
If you treat it all as just something natural, then it is no
Have a lock on your bedroom door and
remember there is no reason to be any more uptight about it than
when you were married.
Avoid a series of a lot of different people, in this regard. You may
be single for a long time or even for the rest of your life.
life working well and theirs will likely be too.
Remember, if mother's life
is purring along happily, then that's the best thing you
can do for your children.
Your children are usually thriving
almost in direct proportion to how you are
WHAT WILL YOUR EX
What will your ex do if the children report your new
opposite sex friend is staying over?
Sure, they think they
should be out having a good time and you should be staying home
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, breathing down the children's necks:
Sure, they have a mixed bag of feelings about other
people having some part in their children's lives, but they grow up and
eventually realize it' s a good thing for all that their ex is happy, and
the resulting benefits for their children.
What you do about dating and fulfilling your sexual needs
will depend on your moral attitudes and whether you can change your
programming to where you are not uptight about it.
When it just sort of flows and seems like the natural thing because
of how you view it, and no one is uptight about it, then it can only
have a beneficial effect on your overall happiness and as a
result, your children's.
They are a mirror
of how your life is working.
Do whatever works and change your programming to allow yourself to be
comfortable with what works.
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