Divorce Blunders Divorce "Blunders" To Avoid

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright 2003  Page 2               Return to Page 1



MAJOR DIVORCE BLUNDER, EX SEX

  • When you are recovering from a long term relationship you are going thru a lot of emotional adjustment and processing of what has happened to you.


  • You are untangling and getting off of a long time relationship addiction that is like getting off of a drug addiction or booze.


  • You need to stop all contact with the drug COMPLETELY, to be able to work thru the withdrawal pain.


  • If the alcoholic "sneaks a drink" his adjustment withdrawal starts over.


Certainly you will have sexual needs and many newly divorced are not able to handle new relationships initially.

  • They decide that since they are not yet ready or able (or at least not succeeding,) to handle relationships, maybe they can just go back for "familiar sex" with the STBX, (soon to be ex spouse) or just "ex" or "x".


This may solve, for now, the "sexual needs" problem, but really messes up their getting their head on straight.

  • This causes the same for their STBX who often goes along with this only to "appease their STBX" in order to improve the odds of the divorce settlement, being more reasonable.

  • There is this overlying sword hanging over their head, that until the legal "divorce is over", their STBX can still "do them" a lot of hurt, better not chance upsetting them, and go along.


  • The result is you have both parties, engaged not sure if they are emotionally leaving or getting back together and there are mixed "crazymaking" signals. This just adds months if not years of ever completely working thru this untangling, separation from this person.....



We had several people still in the legal process justify this saying that they were forced into "going along" with the "ex sex" because it "might" make their divorce settlement better or if they did not agree, it would make the settlement process far worse than it would otherwise be.

  • We occasionally had people in our divorce classes that did not seem to be progressing in working thru their divorce like the rest of the class.

  • We were stumped, why this individual obviously was not "moving" on from the emotional turmoil of divorce.

  • Then we accidentally find out they were continuing a sexual relationship with the ex.


There are other "better ways" to handle your sexual needs, we will get to those later, I promise, but for now, simply understand,
  • EX SEX
    is a major roadblock ADJUSTMENT BLUNDER.


 

"CRUTCH" ESCAPE BLUNDERS.

To escape the "pain and trauma" of the divorce process many have made a big blunder in taking an "out of the pain" right now shortcut.

Put Pain On Hold

 BOOZE




The idea is to "drown the pain" and so you can get on with life. Actually the pain and problem are not eliminated with booze, it is not drowned, it is "irrigated." Working thru the pain is postponed, put on hold til another day.

  • In addition to the problems you had originally, you will have succeeded in having grown some new ones.

    • Booze has side effects that you are well aware of and you are already aware it will only add to the problems overwhelming you..


    It is a blunder to decide to use any of these three that Instead of fully experiencing and working thru the pain, you try to avoid having to deal with it and get stoned. You are putting the "working thru it" on hold.

    • This only serves to delay your getting out of the pain.



    WARNING
    Using booze to put your divorce pain on hold, can lead to an addiction to booze, in other words you put yourself at risk of becoming an alcoholic. It is a result, not an option.

 

Put Pain On Hold

 ILLEGAL
  DRUGS




When in pain, you will look for any way out, and sooner or later you will be offered "illegal drugs" as an escape and a way to put your "running wild" divorce adjustment emotional turmoil on hold.

  • These, like the booze, will likely put your "working thru the divorce pain on "hold" and you will not progress thru it and you add to the time it takes to finish working thru it..

    • You will still have to "spend the same length of time" working thru the process, illegal drugs, merely put it on hold.


Now, you have gained nothing but a delay, and you have added new "potential serious problems".



Can you as a sensible person already overloaded, risk adding more and NEW serious problems?

  • All drugs have "side effects".

  • You also know that in the emotional state you are in now you are highly likely to develop an "addiction" that you will not be able to control.


If you think your life is out of control, now, just wait til you are addicted to some substance, then you will know what "life out of your control" means.


PRESCRIPTION
DRUGS




PUTTING YOUR PAIN ON HOLD PUTS YOUR "WORKING PAST IT PROCESS" ON HOLD.

  • All prescription drugs have side effects. many are even addictive. Whether you use "illegal drugs" or "prescription drugs" as a crutch, as an escape and a way to put your "ceaseless" divorce adjustment emotional "turmoil" on hold, the result is the same.

All of them stopping your divorce processing on "getting past your divorce pain".

    • When you go to your doctor and tell him you can not stand the pain from your divorce, he will likely be able to spend only ten minutes with you to help, (we ask for 6 months) to solve your problem, so he really has only one choice or option,

      • "Write you a prescription" for a "chuck it all" magic happiness pill

        • If you had a terrible headache 24 hours a day seven days a week, and the doctor prescribes "Tylenol" you know he is only "getting you by" for a while and he is doing NOTHING to solve or clear up the source of your problem.


        Result: you keep taking the "Tylenol "and you keep "getting by" but it is keeping you from getting whatever is wrong "fixed".


        • You will still have to "spend the same length of time" working thru the process, illegal or prescription drugs, merely put it on hold.

BIGGEST, MOST COMMON BLUNDER--

NOT SAYING "GOODBYE"

NOT CLOSING THE DOOR

The advantage the widow or widower has in adjusting to the death of a relationship over those in the divorce process, is that they know positively the relationship is over.


  • Even then, they often do not completely process and deal with it being over, and stay frozen in time.

  • We had a lady who had been widowed who volunteered to speak to our divorce class.

      What she said has stuck with me for years.


She said her husband had been gone for over two years, She had gone in for counseling, She had attended "handling grief sessions", a widows support group, and had done absolutely everything that newly widowed were supposed to do.

  • She said after two years, she still felt "hollow" and her life was just not working.

  • Then she said one day she found her self driving to the cemetery, she go out, went over to his grave and said "goodbye".

  • She said, it was like a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and from that point on she got on with life, and has been leading an enthusiastic happy life since.


    • Newly divorced, nearly half, I would guess, do not deal with reality and are in denial that the relationship has really "died".


The most extreme story of this I heard was of a lady and her kids, after two years, were still setting a "place at their table" for the father and husband who they were sure was sooner or later "would come to his senses" and come back home.

  • This does not sound "too bad" until you hear the ex husband had already been remarried for someone else for over a year.


This is the most common blunder, if you count the number of people going thru a divorce that get "hung up" in this trap.

  • Once one party decides the relationship has died, there is often no clue supplied for the person being left and therefore it often comes as a total surprise.

  • Thus the person left is often in "shock" and will naturally take some time in dealing with the reality that the relationship is indeed over.



The blunder is in trying over and over and not letting go of or quitting the impossible job of trying to put humpty dumpty back together.


The is like BEATING A DEAD HORSE


Just can not admit the "horse" here is dead and just keep beating on it to get it up and do what it always did.


    How long it takes to realize and "admit your "marriage" horse is dead," is basically how long it will take for you to move on down the road of life as a single person.

    We repeatedly use this analogy because many newly divorced have trouble realizing they are not dealing with reality when they are still beating on their dead marriage six months later, still hoping to revive it.



SAY GOODBYE,

This persons part in your life is over, and you both need to go your own way.

  • "Clinging, pleading, trying to hang on, that is long over with and should be apparent to you by now it was a big mistake..

  • It was not becoming and (besides it never works)

      It ate up (time) part of your life that could have been used to get on with your new life.


BLUNDER- SEVERAL MONTHS NEEDLESS DELAY IN REALIZING THIS:

When asked "when it got better for her" a lady on our chat page replied........... (If we could boil all of our "recovering from divorce" articles down to one paragraph, this ladies advice would be it.)

  • "What helped me is that I finally came to realize that it is now all about me. I'm in charge of me, and I need to make me happy. I can no longer spend time thinking about us and how it was, wasn't, could have been, etc. When the pain of the whole split comes into my head, I try to redirect. I find it hard but it works better than the pain."


    CLOSE ONE DOOR, OPEN A NEW DOOR

    You need to be ready and willing to close the door completely on "what was" before you can expect to be able to open a new door wide and be able to welcome in, a new full, and better life.


    • Recognize, that the big hang up and delay in working thru your divorce, is in "not letting go" and trying to recusitate a "dead marriage".


    Once one person decides the relationship is dead, the other looks pathetic trying to convince them it is not or should not be "dead". it never works, and is an undoable job. Give up.

    • Many divorced peoples lives have been in continued pain "misery for unnecessary years".

      Solely, because they got caught up in this

        "MAJOR not letting go of "what was" Blunder." 
         

      NEXT; IF YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED YOUR LEGAL DIVORCE GO HERE


      Next...If thru the legal divorce go here... Adjusting to life as a single.  


      Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
      More Divorce Blunders To Avoid
      Send this article to a friend
      Read over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here

      Top of Page ||  Divorce Recovery 101 Index

          Divorce
          Recovery 101 .com
          Divorce Recovery Support Group With Divorce Help, Advice, Tips, Divorce Law, Statistics And Information


          Divorce Adjustment Help
          Home

           




           

          Divorce Recovery Site Map
          Divorce Recovery
          Site Map



           


           

          Divorce Questions and Answers
          Divorce Questions
          & Answers
          Read and/or Submit


           



           

          Personal Message?
          Personal Message?
          CONTACT US


           



           

          Online Support Friends Singles Chat
          Online Support Friends Singles Chat



           


           

          Free Divorce Newsletter
          Free Divorce Newsletter
          Sign Up Here


           



           

          Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
          Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
          Sign Up Here


           



           

          Privacy Policy Reprint Our Articles
          Reprint Our Articles
          Information Here


           



           

          1000 Helpful Single Life Links
          1000 Helpful Single Life Links
          Go Here


           



           

          About Us
          About Us
          Go Here

           




           

          Feel free to make suggestions
          Please tell us how we are doing.
          Feel free to make suggestions
          Do it here

           




           

          Help Others Find This Link To Us
          How To Link To Us
          Help Others Find This Site

           




           

          Send This Page to "Divorcing Friends"
          Send This Page to "Divorcing Friends",
          easy form


           



           

          Read Letters From Divorced Folks
          Read Letters From Divorced Folks Like Yourself,
          Read Mail


           



           

          over 300



 Life Changing Recovery Articles
          Read and Study over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here


           



           


          working on a great  as a single person
          Single Life Coach 
          is our site for those worked thru their divorce and are working on a great new life as a single person, click here


           



           

          Dating Again 101

          Dating Again 101 is our new site for help in getting back into the dating world successfully, click here



           


           

          Free Dating Again newsletter edited by Harlan Jacobsen
          Sign up for 
          Free Dating Again newsletter of tips to help make new  relationships a part of your life. Edited by Harlan.
          Click here  to sign up


           



           

          Free Email 8 Day Course, on Dating Again, "Get Going"
          Free Email 8 Day Course, on Dating Again, "Get Going" to a better life. Start your course by sending a blank email.
          click here


           



           

          Singles Talk Shop
          Singles Talk shop, online support
          Singles Talk shop, online support,
          go chat

           




           

          Country Singles
          online site with midwest singles clubs calendars, personals, archives of articles etc.
          Country Singles is our midwest Newspapers online site with midwest singles clubs calendars, personals, archives of articles etc. click here


           



           

          Free Country Singles Newsletter edited by Janet Jacobsen
          Our Free Country Singles newsletter edited by Janet Jacobsen
          Sign up today!

          Our Arizona Singles newsletter with Janet's tips on being single in Arizona
          Sign Up


           



           

          Midwest Personal Ads
          Midwest Personal Ads,
          Click Here


           



           

          AZ Single Scene
          AZ Single Scene 
          AZ Single Scene is our Arizona newspapers online site. With AZ singles clubs calendars of events, AZ personals, Articles selected by Janet Jacobsen, archives of articles etc.  click here


           



           

          AZ Personal Ads
          AZ Personal Ads,
          Click Here

           




           

          18 Wheels Singles
          18 Wheel Singles is our web site for those in the trucking industry and interested in meeting those in the industry  click here


           



           

          try out our other sites we maintain
          Please try out our other sites we maintain, click here




          Divorce Articles

          Speed Up Divorce Recovery, click here


          How Your Divorced Life Can Get Better Every Day, click here


          Going New Places After Divorce, click here


          Divorce, What Happens Next? click here


          Search Articles
          by keyword

          Search our site:

          search tips

          search all 7 sites