2000 Harlan L. Jacobsen
- How to be unhappy, married or single
Marriage and love relationships used to be functional.
Today they are "affectional". You used to love one
another because you needed each other, and now you need
each other only because and as long as
you love each other.
The old myth that there is only one man or
woman for you in your life has gone down the tube. If you
are genuinely capable of love, you can
love many times and many people.
- You must learn that love and individuals both have
True love is a sort of form of prejudice.
- You learn to love what is available, what is near, what
- You feel you can only love that certain person you found,
when in actuality there are ten thousand
members of the opposite sex you would love even more if
you ever met them, but, of course, you'll never meet them all.
- You can certainly meet some other you
can love more.
However, you have expectations which
no one person is ever going to be
able to fulfill - no matter how kind, understanding and loving an
individual they turn out to be.
If your relationship does not deliver all the levels you
expected, then the negative gap opens
and degenerates, a gap that widens as you find that what
you expected and what you actually see and feel are two
You need to stop dreaming the
impossible dream and having impossible
expectations of utopia. Instead you wind up disillusioned,
disappointed and crushed by the whole thing. You erroneously
feel that your expectations were realistic, but
you just had the wrong person.
- This myth is very painful to
give up. Reality intrudes.
- The old fairytale where the magic mate appears at the
last moment and solves all the problems and they live
happily ever after just does not work out in actuality
- This has all been reinforced now with TV commercials,
advertising, movies, all, in fact, escapes from
Singles now seek a partner as an embodiment of all their
unrealistic fantasies. When the partner cannot live up to
these unrealistic expectations, they
You must not surrender your ability
to feel and to act. If you surrender to the 'one and only'
theory, you subordinate your will.
- They each blame the other and the dreamers go back to their
fairyland world, since they failed to change their lover into
the imaginary person they expected.
- You lose touch with your real self because you
are afraid if you act on your sentiments, you will, in fact, lose
your "one and only."
- You stop being your real self.
You need to develop self-assertion, self reliance, selfdevelopment
and interest. A realistic lasting love is
a " we" feeling.
- You must learn that love and individuals
both have their limitations.
- To learn to realize the limitations takes real maturity on
You must learn to love life, to
learn to grow and change. When you learn
to love life, to love growth and aliveness in general, love
children, love ideas, and to love a man or woman, you find you can love
many things and many times.
- Love and love again;
with mature, realistic "expectations".
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