Newsletter #55, 11/30/04
Newsletter #54, 11/21/04
Newsletter #53, 10/25/04
Newsletter #52, 10/16/04
Newsletter #51, 9/14/04
Newsletter #50, 8/29/04
Newsletter #49, 8/11/04
Newsletter #48, 7/25/04
Newsletter #47, 6/29/04
Newsletter #46, 5/26/04
Newsletter #45, 5/02/04
Newsletter #44, 4/11/04
Newsletter #43, 3/15/04
Newsletter #42, 2/28/04
Newsletter #41, 2/16/04
Newsletter #40, 1/25/04
Newsletter #39, 1/19/04
Newsletter #38, 1/06/04
Newsletter #37, 12/23/03
Newsletter #36, 12/13/03
Newsletter #35, 12/05/03
Newsletter #34, 11/22/03
Newsletter #33, 11/04/03
Newsletter #32, 10/21/03
Newsletter #31, 10/13/03
Newsletter #30, 10/6/03
Newsletter #29, 9/23/03
Newsletter #28, 8/31/03
Newsletter #27, 8/6/03
Newsletter #26, 7/15/03
Newsletter #25, 6/22/03
Newsletter #24, 5/30/03
Newsletter #23, 5/12/03
Newsletter #22, 5/1/03
Newsletter #21, 4/13/03
Newsletter #20, 4/1/03
Newsletter #19, 3/17/03
Newsletter #18, 2/28/03
Newsletter #17, 2/28/03
Newsletter #16, 2/4/03
Newsletter #15, 1/24/03
Newsletter #14, 1/14/03
Newsletter #13, 1/5/03
Newsletter #12, 12/26/02
Newsletter #11, 12/18/02
Newsletter #10, 12/04/02
Newsletter #9, 11/23/02
Newsletter #8, 10/17/02
Newsletter #7, 8/30/02
Newsletter #6, 7/31/02
Newsletter #5, 7/8/02
Newsletter #4, 5/22/02
Newsletter #3, 5/1/02
Newsletter #2, 4/4/02

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #55, 11/30/04

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

New twist on the Legal Divorce
This newsletter portion may not be of interest to you if you have already filed for divorce but you might print it out for future reference of friends who may get divorced later.

Right now in Arizona, over 80% of divorces filed are filed without an attorney. Divorce is different in some states that do not have community property laws but the coming apart emotional process is the same, with more emotional trauma thrown in when the divorce process is difficult and one side or the other "wants to punish" the other for having the nerve to "leave" without their permission, and says to the attorney, "take the SOB for everything they have."

Getting attorneys involved almost always prolongs the agony and emotional exhaustion for both sides..and happens when one gets an attorney, because of the marriage betrayal so to speak, and they feel they can no longer "trust them" to make a fair and equitable settlement.

This is a huge mistake since both parties are "punished" not only financially, but emotionally in making the process longer and more severe.

What we are saying is work out between you what it takes to divide property and the kids etc. and get a mutual trusted friend to help settle disputes, a professional mediator, hire a mediator, etc. but settle this all without an attorney.

Once all the details are worked out, you can file it yourself, get a non-attorney firm, (there are many around that just help you do the paper work) a para-legal, or even hire an attorney together just to do the paper work.

Here is the big news that causes me to write on the subject today, that is that Arizona has now come up with E-Court method of printing out all the documents needed.

You fill out a questionnaire modeled after the turbo income tax filing system, that then prints out the legal documents filled in.

If the questions were not all answered and necessary information supplied the system will not advance.

This is reported to eliminate many of the errors of the usual do it yourself filings.

Half of the divorces filed in Arizona are reported to be uncontested or the spouses did not respond and consequentially defaulted.

Arizona has a 60 day "cooling off period" but after that instead of waiting weeks, you can now usually contact the court and schedule your hearing for the next day.

The questionnaire takes up property, children, taxes etc. which if any part is disputed can then require an attorney to help sort it out.

We write here for all over the world, but do have a lot of Arizona readers so for you here is the web site... http://ecourt.maricopa.gov

Alternative is to get it from http://superiorcourt.maricopa.gov

It seems to me that anyone anywhere could fill this thing out and use it to complete their local divorce wherever that may be since basically I am sure the same or similar questions need to be answered for the court to act on it.

It is suggested you contact your local governmental office that handles the divorce process in your area, and ask them what they have available for "do it yourself" divorcing.

You could then use the Arizona system to generate the answers by your filling out the Az questionnaire. Transfer from the then filled out Arizona form to the same portions on your local form.

Even if you use an attorney, these filled out and information forms will likely save a lot of time for the attorney which means "money".

Many government offices offer complete sets of paper work for doing your own divorce and others will likely have a similar online set up for the process, now or soon.

My job here is to make you aware of options, and suggest your read through our site map for the legal articles that can do much to save you a lot of money but most importantly a lot of unnecessary emotional hassle that can prolong the pain for years.

Print this out for friends who may go through the process in the future, even if you have none in the process or planning stage at the moment.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Maybe I can call this an advertisement or just Harlan News... One of my new businesses is renting out regular homes by the week that are furnished with all house wares etc, for tourists or commercial people in town (Phoenix, Tempe and Scottsdale) for short periods. This is just like moving in to someone else's home for a few weeks (which is what it is) with everything in place just like home.

Some of these can sleep up to eight people so if a group comes together can be far less costly then living out of motels resorts etc see http://arizonavacationhomerental.com

* * * * * * * * * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #54, 11/21/04

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The Coming Unglued And why it is so difficult to come apart.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You are divorced....(even if you have not completed the paperwork...) The paper work is merely a "legal" entanglement.

You can't fix or change or even move on from what you don't acknowledge.

Your long term relationship has died. Stop lying to yourself...deal with reality here.

We don't want to admit to others or to ourselves that we have a problem. That is why AA considers it so important for members to say the words: "I am an alcoholic".

We tell you it is very important that you admit to yourself...."I am DIVORCED. I am now a 'single' person."

Instead, you say to yourself...the divorce is not final...yet.. they may come to their senses and come back etc. etc. Every type of excuse you can come up with to justify your being "frozen" in time instead of moving on.

You must deal with reality here, in contrast a "live" marriage sort of flows... Sure, you can kid yourself and pretend you are in "crazy making" no man's land...half way between marriage and divorced. There is no half way house. There is no being put on "hold".

(the stage of paper work of divorce is not to be confused with or used to muddy up the emotional or factual end or death of a relationship.)

Our best method of explaining it is that your faithful long time horse, (marriage) died.

You need to acknowledge to yourself and the world, your horse has "died."

What you have been doing is "beating on this dead horse" of yours and trying to get it to come back to life.... You could always revive it before.....

How long are you going to keep beating on what you and everybody else now know is a dead horse.....??????

It is not just a little dead, it is fully dead. If is like being a little pregnant....there is no such thing.... Why did my horse have to die? This should not have happened to me....

We say, trying to figure out why your horse died won't help right now.....you just need to admit your horse is stone cold dead....and before your life starts to smell even worse....bury your dead horse... and move on down the road.

Whether it is fear, an addiction, or a bad habit, etc, the first step is to admit that there is a problem. To better understand the problem in the coming apart process read here...

Acknowledge what is not working in your life.

Pretending to yourself that you are still in a relationship that has in fact died keeps your life from working.

Visualize your having graduated from high school. Your very best and deepest friends all scatter in all directions to college, to the military, to new careers.

No matter how much you wanted to go on with what was, you soon realized your high school days were over and you had to move on.

No matter how you tried or wanted or desired to put it back like it was, the happiest time of your life was over and you too had to move on with your life.

Here you have graduated from your "starter" marriage. Again, you did not want it to end. You knew how to operate successfully in that environment.

Here you are again faced with an all new unfamiliar scary territory, moving into the (scary and unfamiliar/uncomfortable) life as a single adult, with great fear of the unknown......... what becomes of me now?

You know you have to move on....

Start studying up on the subject, begin planning and get ready, and start to Move On.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #53, 10/25/04

Todays quotes:
As you think, so shall ye be.
Jesus

Another quote:
People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln

The above is old information but I remind you it applies to your divorce process...

You spend a lot of time...figuring out and visualizing what you want to do on your two week vacation.....

How much time have you spent thinking about how you'd like your "after divorce" future to unfold?

How much detail do you get into when you do plan and think about your future?

You buy travel books and view pictures of what you will be getting into on your two week vacation....

What research and investigation are you doing into "what are your options" on where you may want to go with "your all new rest of your life".

I am willing to bet you have done little or none...

Figuring that you do not have options...on what happens or where you go with your second chance for an all new life.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Planning your trip and exploring the possibilities for this year's two week vacation ....can often be as exciting and as much fun as the trip.

This second act of your life...you likely for the first time have complete control on what happens in your new life, your parents no longer control you, your spouse (we hope) no longer controls you.

For the first time...you have 100% control of your life plans...you get to write the script...of what you want to have happen.

and........ you get to cast the players in your new life....

You have to admit, this is starting to sound like it has exciting possibilities.....

but you say... I can not do what I want.. I have all of these responsibilities...etc etc. etc.

I am chained down...I have no possibilities...

Baloney.....other people have just as many responsibilities and they move on to big things in an all new life....

You can too....you are likely more capable, talented and smart than most of the others that succeeded in moving on to a great new life.

You DO NOT have to figure out "HOW" you are going to get there....right now... You only need to plan as if you could have all your druthers... where would you like your life to go....now?

Plan just as if I did not have all these responsibilities.

LATER, we will figure out the "how" to make your new life come true....despite all these hurdles you claim are holding you back.

and.....

We will show you how this is the first step to put it on "automatic" to almost happen by itself.....

Figuring out "How" is another part and you can set that up....to really almost happen automatically if you do this process right....

First figure out.......

How do you want to feel in your new life, act two?

Happy? Relaxed? Excited? Enthusiastic about life? Thrilled? Can hardly wait for tomorrow?

Once you decide how you want to feel you can begin to add in more details that will make you have these feelings automatically.

Having figured out and written down what feelings you want every day.... then we will start adding in...WHAT will it take to make you have these feelings every day in your new life?

Once you have these "WHATS" written down, then we can start working on goals to get there.

But remember, much of this is internal programming that needs to be updated.....keep your old programming that is holding you back, then even winning the lottery in six months will not have changed how you are feeling about life.

PLEASE.....Go to the top of the page and read the "quotes" one more time...

When you make your new goals list, mark down the physical part AND the feeling that goes with it and how this will result in your new feelings about life.

THIS IS IMPORTANT... for you to be able to move on from the divorce miseries....

Right now you are just bouncing off the wall... waiting and dreading what new life disaster lies around the corner....

Once you figure out what you want to happen in your new life, you will get enthused and start subconsciously (little effort required...it starts to happen automatically when you do this right) and making decisions about your new "divorced life" will suddenly become easy.

Now that you know where you are going with your life... every decision you make today will be much easier....whatever comes up.....if it helps advance you towards your new goal, (programmed into your subconscious) you automatically do it.. If it sets you back from accomplishing your new life goals...you do not do it...

Because...... If it moves you towards your new life goals... that are correctly programmed into your subconscious.... the correct choice or decision will just FEEL RIGHT and you will do the right thing automatically.

It becomes......

EASY.

Stress will be gone....you will be comfortable with your new life steps moving you towards your goals...

Previously, anything new was uncomfortable and life was stressful because you did not know if you were doing the right thing for your new life......

Or not.....

REVIEW.....THIS IS IMPORTANT...

Make no small plans. Arrange for "great feelings" ahead by taking the above seriously and sitting down and PLAN what you want to happen in act two.... how do you want to feel in your new life, and what would it take to get you there?

NOTHING you can do right now will change your life more for the better than sitting down and doing this... Right now.

Remember, describe on your "goals paper" what type of people you will have in your new life.....they are key...to your success..

REMEMBER....

You get to cast WHO you have as players in your ACT 2, for a great new life.

ONCE YOU HAVE THE BASIC PLAN FOR YOUR ACT TWO.......ON PAPER..... you are half way there.

That's right.......it will not be as hard to accomplish as it was to get you to sit down, concentrate and do this....first half of the trip.

+++++++++

DO NOT put this down without making these plans for a great Act two... right now...

If you can not take control of your self and get this done right now.....

Some of you may not be ready to move on and need to wallow a while longer in the "what was". This is understandable for newly divorced working through early stages of divorce recovery.

However, do not complain to me that it is.

Grab yourself by the back of the neck and drag yourself up to a table and chair with a pen and paper.

Okay, so just call 'em "wishes" then, whatever makes it easier to get you on this...just start getting these down on paper. Shape it up in your final copy.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Here are two articles on the subject...

Setting Goals for singles....


Write your own script.....


We have many more but this will get you started.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE HELPS

Chat with others on how they are handling what you are going thru..... at SINGLES TALK SHOP It is real...and is....Easy to use...

We sponsor it as a 24 hour....talk it out therapy.

No appointment needed...no charge...always open.

Create a singles community on the web...a safe place where newly singled and well adjusted long term singles can both ask questions, offer advice, share concerns and experiences, laugh, cry, and learn, go here...


* * * * * * * *

If you have been forwarded this free newsletter and would like to subscribe, send a blank email here

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #52, 10/16/04

HOW 'FEARS' HOLD YOU BACK

What is getting in the way of your moving on from "what was" to the new and second chance for a better life with the "gonna be's?

1.  Fear. Fear is one of the worst enemies keeping you from working through and moving on from your divorce.

When fear controls you, you will never be able to open a new door and move on from "what was".

You must confront head on these divorce induced fears, and see them for what they are.

Conquering fear and moving on is one giant step in the road to recovery from the "shock" of divorce imposed life changes.

What are you afraid of today?

What fears generated by your divorce situation must you conquer to be able to move on to achieve a dream of a second chance for a better life?

When you realize what your major fears are you take an action to overcome these fears, that have you frozen in your present state.

This recognizing these fears will confront and conquer the fear by giving you the ability to take the first step in the right direction.

We start out here listing a few of the major fears that generally go with the divorce process.

A.  Fear of not surviving this, how can I make all of these life decisions all alone?

B.  Fear of the unknown. Uncharted Jungle. What catastrophe is next?

C. Afraid that I alone will not be able to pay all the bills?

D.  Afraid that I will not be able to raise the kids, or that my relationship with the kids will be ruined?

E.  Afraid that my normal relationship life is essentially over, I will never have a significant romantic or sexual relationship ever again.

F.  Afraid that whatever I do, I will be wrong and things will be made even worse because I do something dumb.

H.  Afraid this pain and anticipation of continued disasters will never end or get better.

A. IS YOUR VERY SURVIVAL AT RISK?

Your humpty dumpty has fallen off the wall and all the kings horses and all the kings men can never put him back together again.

You need to look at divorce as pretty much normal goings on in the life process, that over half of your friends and neighbors have either gone through and survived a divorce (or two) or will in the future.

Almost everyone of these folks also had a lot of fears, anxiety and apprehension, just like you have now, about what they had moved into and what was happening to them in this divorce process.

They all survived, got past the divorce process by figuring out how to handle it as another hurdle to get over and moved on to a new and very often much better life then before the divorce.

One of the most scary parts for many people is the feeling of being "abandoned" and put all on their own, often for the first time in their life.

The feeling is "I have always had a baby sitter", someone that looked out for me and my welfare and made sure I did the right thing. You just lost your baby sitter.....and this being left on your own for the first time is indeed scary and it is a fear of "can I survive on my own".

Someone always made the decisions and told me what to do next. I have no experience in being 100% in charge of and totally responsible for my own life.

These folks are often in "an abandoned panic". They rush out to find a new "someone" to take over their life and tell them what to do next.

They have no experience in living life for themselves, they always had someone to "please", it is the only thing they know and they lost that "someone to please".

They have the programming, it is not okay to please yourself. They erroneously concluded that to be happy you have to "please others".

First it was pleasing the parents, then the spouse,..... and now there is no one to please but themselves.

The way you get over the fear of whether you can be 100% in charge of your own life successfully and make decisions that lead to a better life, is to recognize what it is, fully accept the job and responsibility and get on with it.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

It is perfectly normal to fear the unknown. Here you have an anxiety and fears in the divorce process because what you are getting into next is a jungle of unknowns and "surprises".

UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY.

You are not the first one to go through the wilderness of the divorce process...

Millions have gone through this before you and you can quickly and easily learn all about it and gain an understanding from their experiences..

When you know all about it, what others have done and what works, you are no longer afraid of it.

There are many books, seminars, groups, therapy sessions, and road maps left by others who have gone through the divorce recovery jungle and you can learn from their experience how to handle it in a short time.

We think we have put together the easiest to understand and the best and most complete road map through the divorce recovery jungle.

If we left any stones unturned, and/or turns in the road not mapped, drop us a line and we will find an answer for you.

Once you are knowledgeable about the subject, and know how to handle these important life changes, you are no longer afraid of it.

AFRAID YOU WILL NOT ON YOUR OWN BE ABLE TO PAY THE BILLS

Often you had trouble paying all the bills before the divorce and often this was one of the reasons for the divorce.

Now you have a more serious problem. What income was not adequately covering the costs of one home, now this same income has to spread to somehow support two homes.

This means there is going to have to be a large drop in the standard of living somewhere and the divorce is often a contest to see who is going to be forced to lower their standard of living the most.

When it comes to money, we come to the part many become very bitter about. They spent all these years working very hard to get their standard of living to a respectable place and this divorce is setting them back decades.

So to be able to pay the bills you will need to lower your expenses, (often lowering your standard of living) whether you want to or not.

The other alternative is to up your income from new and better sources, and often you will need to do both.

Once you get your expenses budgeted to your income, your bills will be handled in a normal manner.

This reality is often depressing to deal with, but when you get your new life together and you "all on your own" get your standard of living back to what it was or better then it was before the divorce you will have great satisfaction in having done it all on your own.

AFRAID THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RAISE THE KIDS IN A NORMAL MANNER.

We tell you that if handled in a knowledgeable manner the kids can come through relatively unscathed.

Your relationship to the children will be changed by the divorce, it just comes with the territory.

You will need to learn techniques and methods that work, understanding there will be many changes in the relationship with your children that will be better than before the divorce and many that will be drastically different as a result of that the divorce that you and the kids will have to adjust to whether you want to or not.

Probably half their friends in school parents have gone through a divorce so they will not feel alone.

There are many sources of help in making the transition.

We have some in our web site with links to many more.

AFRAID THAT MY ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL LIFE JUST ENDED FOREVER, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN.

This fear is so profound that we have observed many are so afraid this was the end of their romantic and sexual life, that they rush out to prove they are still desirable.

They wind up in bed with everyone that says "Hi there" primarily to prove to themselves they are able to resume a romantic life any time they desire.

Once that is proven to themselves...they often stop totally because they now know they can resume anytime they are ready.

We assure you that there is no hurry, you can resume that whenever you are ready, that it really is not that big a problem to overcome when you arrive at that point.

We have a web site devoted to dating again and a newsletter on the subject.

The batting average is very good. Almost all that work at it.... do develop relationships that are often far better then anything they ever had in a marriage.

Just relax and work on other parts of your life. We will help you ease back into relationships when you are fully ready.

AFRAID THAT I WILL DO SOMETHING DUMB AND MAKE MATTERS WORSE.

Being totally responsible for what happens in your new life is initially overwhelming. Every life decision is made with a dread of catastrophe.

This need not be .......What you need to do is set down and figure out where you want to go with your new life. What do you want to have happen in act two of your life?

This is called setting goals and we suggest you read some of our articles on the importance of setting new life goals and the importance of wording these goals correctly.

Until you do set new goals, your life is like a ship just drifting on the ocean, no idea where it will wind up and with great fears it will run aground somewhere.

When you have goals, it is easy to make correct decisions in your new life.

If the choice helps move you toward your new goal, you do it... if it does not help move you towards your goal...or interferes or delays it, you do not do it.

Thereafter you will have little fear of making the wrong decision, because you will have a yard stick to measure your choices with.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

HOW THIS CAME TO BE

Every now and then I get an e-mail asking how putting all of these web sites on single life adjustment came to be.

The answer to this question took a little time to answer these inquiries, so I sat down and wrote the answer out on a web page so that when I get the question, I can just refer them to this page. (time saver)

In case you were curious too, I hereby include the page, click here

* * * * * * *

If someone has forwarded this free newsletter to you and you would like to subscribe, send a blank email here

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #51, 09/14/04


===========================================
1. A short course, "Divorce Recovery in a nutshell"
===========================================

Every issue we have new readers, many just newly divorced and in great pain so we need to go back often to square one for those in this stage.

IN DIVORCE questions a lady marked it private and her situation was very similar to thousands of others.

This is the answer I sent her but since it was marked private it was not posted on the the question and answer board, I thought we might post it here and refer people that post a similar situation could get information promptly on the subject by simply going here.

She was just getting divorced from an alcoholic husband who beat her etc., was not a father to her kids who did not want to see him.

She had no relatives or friends around and she was crying herself to sleep.

Dear Beaten,
Your situation is very common, but telling you misery has company does not help. Almost everyone finding themselves in this situation feels they are very alone.

All this that you are going through is made worse now days in a big part like yourself, by relatives and the normal support group of people your folks and grand parents had, now days either this support group of relatives either move away or you do or both so they are not around when and where you really need them.

You often lose all or most of your married friends, you lose all the in-law relatives on the STBX (soon to be ex) side and you are about as close to zero in support system and friends as you can get when you are at the very most stressful event in your life, when you most need a little help to get through it.

Now, hearing that or knowing that has not helped you a bit I know, but it does help to understand where you are and why you feel so alone and helpless at this stage of your divorce. So what do you do to make things turn around?

1. Develop a network of single friends in your locality and on the web; we are here and you will find others on the web who have been through this and that will help.

When you have worked through this, you too can come back and help others going through this traumatic time in their life.

2. Join a support group such as a local divorce recovery group (we can help you find one.) and singles organized clubs.

3. Study up on what has worked for others and realize what seems now like the worse time of your life may well be looked back in a year from now as the best thing that ever happened to you. (hard to believe now but true)

4. Realize that working through this and getting on to a better life takes some study, motivation and a little time. That this is almost solely a "do it yourself project".

5. Recognize you need to talk about what you are going through . People that have been through this themselves are willing to talk about it.

Getting advice from them is not the important part. Being able to talk about what you are going through with someone that will listen and understand is.

6. You will discover that you have an option, you can take years to work through your divorce, or you can learn that it is a process, there are no magic pills, and that you can learn what works and apply these to your situation.

7. Learn what has worked for others, understand that you are okay, you are not a defective reject, it is something that happens in life to over half of those married, learn where the adjustment traps and tar pits are, where many get hung up. Understand you are not born with a built in ability to handle this. You need to study up and understand what you are going through and why you feel the way you do.

8. Cry it out.... (this takes time, grieve over your losses, get into it and get it over with....) fast forward here...when done with that...

9. Give up on what was. Concentrate now on the gonna-be's. By working on the gonna-be's...you will discover "great nows" start arriving automatically..

10. Get out the Divorce Recovery adjustment maps and find the on-ramp to the "moving on freeway" to an all new bigger and better second chance at an all new you and a new life.

11. No one can do it for you. This turning point in your life is now up to you. (scary huh?)

12. Get new life goals...and head out.... remember, the best part is not the arriving, it is the trip.

=====================================================
2. For those past the crying stage and still really mad..stage... now what...?
=====================================================

One of the reasons we tell you that you will come back one year from now and tell us this divorce, the worse thing, the most painful thing that ever happened to you, you somehow have had it turn out to be the "best thing that ever happened to you".

Yup, same divorce... ...the turn around will come because if divorce was a really earth shaking traumatic time, you will stop, take inventory of your life and decide where you want to go from here.

You will make changes and improvements in your life plan you never would have made otherwise.

So we tell you the more painful and upsetting and traumatic your divorce is or was.......

The more likely you will make these changes and self improvement steps that you never would have done without the divorce.

You will grow more as a person in the one year after your divorce, than you did in twenty years of marriage.

One year from now we want you to be able to honestly say.....

My divorce was the "best thing" that ever happened to me....

That's called...."when life gives you lemons .......make lemonade."

==================================
3. Harlans 80% Success Rate...Rule.....
==================================

The reason I call it Harlan's rule...is I have not seen it put forth anywhere else so I will claim title to it....

My observation has been that when people try new things and they do not work out they are crushed, disappointed, depressed, discouraged to the point they say why try, angry at all the people involved in the failure and the whole world did not act right and that let them down etc.

So my formula is expect and shoot for 80% successes in new things in your life.

When 20% of new adventures, people and events fail to live up to your hopes and expectations...no big deal.... just comes with the territory so to speak.

If 100% or anything near that is your expectation...you are going to be unhappy a good part of the time, and when and if you are succeeding at that rate......close to perfection, then you are short-changing yourself by not expanding your life and trying enough risky new things.

If you have greater then 20% failure rate...you may want to cut back on risky new adventures a little.

In other words... we are changing our "expectations and demands".

We no longer demand 100% success of our kids, our job, our relationships, new things and places we try etc. etc.

We expect...20% to not work out like we would prefer, (no demands, we gave up on that remember) so we just work these in with the mix.

l expect to do 20% of what turns out to be looking back, probably some really "dumb things".. Looking back I will see I should have done 20% differently or at least better..

Once again.. the formula... more then 20% or your life actions not working out... cut back on risky not sure things...

less than 20%, your not doing and trying new and better things and actions... life is boring.. no enthusiasm to get out with lets try this...that we have never done before.. as you get older you do more and more for the last time and less and less for the first time...

When you are not having 20% failures... you are ready for the rest home...

When things do not work out... my day, (week or month) is not ruined.. as long as it fits in my 20% overall failure rate with 80% successes.

Sure, I expect and hope for and work to have some big successes, real wows, some just barely successes and a lot of so-so successes. ........and 20% disappointments with some real clinkers.

If your life is a roller coaster series of emotional ups and downs...smooth it out... adopt my 80% expectations formula....... and you will find...... now life works...

==================================
4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"
==================================

Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every adjustment tip, trick, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 50 newsletters so far.

Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "moving on from divorce" strategies.

However, this wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "work through this in a shorter time with less pain" techniques, and step-by-step instructions you'll find make reading these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, growing as a single person, and exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.



============================
4. Send this newsletter to a friend
============================
 

Now you can help others that are going through the process. Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process. Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

============================
5. Tell Us What You Think!
============================
 

We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too!
Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net Please put the word "Divorce" in the subject line.

==============================
6. Content for Your website or E-zine
==============================

Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://divorcerecovery101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:
a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
b) You send a quick e-mail to HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
c) You include the following byline at the end of each article:

----------------------------------------------

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many with classes, seminars, 32 year newspaper on the subject as well as on the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and better life in a shorter time. His website http://divorcerecovery101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in their moving on from this major life change.

* * * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #50, 08/29/04

Quote:
To be happy, drop the words "if only" and substitute instead with "NEXT TIME".

Smiley Blanton, MD

YOU ARE CONSTANTLY PROGRAMMING YOURSELF.

It is done by what you hear yourself saying or in what might be called "self talk".

We noticed that people in our divorce classes that were having trouble working through their divorce were referring to their former spouses as "husband" or guess what my "wife" is doing now.

These folks were all still having a hard time adjusting or moving on from their divorce.

Those that had or were rapidly working through their divorce used the words... Guess what my "EX" (or soon to be "EX" also known as STBX) is doing now?

The folks still using "guess what my husband is doing now..." were hearing themselves, programming themselves that they were still married.

Their subconscious could not let them process and move on from their marriage because it was being told they were still "married". Your subconscious accepts that as your programming. You are a "married" person and you need to act like it.

Your subconscious determines and "generates" your feelings. When you start to do something that does not line up with your programming, you feel very uncomfortable.

You therefore tend to not do what you should be doing because you "feel" very uncomfortable doing so.

When your subconscious gets the right programming or instructions, then your subconscious allows you to do it, because now it "feels okay".

The "EX" users were programming themselves that they were no longer married or "attached" to the former spouse.

When you go to a divorce support group and you all discuss and share what is happening in your adjustment etc. it is not "advice" that helps you near as much as hearing yourself talk about your divorce and how you think about it now.

We tell you that when you have traumatic experiences, you may have to talk about the incident as much as twenty times before you start to make sense out of it and get past it.

It does not matter much whether you pay a therapist big bucks while you talk it out or you talk it out in a support group, your minister or Aunt Becky.

It is what you are telling your subconscious as you talk about it, and hearing yourself say where you are now that makes the difference.

When you talk it out, many times... it starts to make sense and you sort out "what happened" and your subconscious hears you talk about where you go from here etc.

It is not so much what you hear yourself saying to yourself, it is what you hear yourself saying to others that restricts or programs yourself.

The more you talk about your divorce, it seems the sooner it starts to get filed away and stops getting in the way of processing the planning the script for act two and for your getting on with a new life.

Newly divorced are like a ship without a destination. They are just floundering around going nowhere, or wherever the wind is blowing them. They are scared to death they may wind up on the rocks.

When you work through the divorce, talk it out and it starts to make sense, then you need to get a set of "new goals".

A new goal is like getting a new destination for your floundering ship on the high seas of life.

Many say to themselves, I hate this single life, married was comfortable. My goal now is to get back there, to get married again.

You tend to dislike and be uncomfortable with anything or action you have no experience with or no information about.

Your fight or flight system...(all have it) that tells you to get ready to run or fight, because you have nothing on file on this...experience you are having right now, it shuts down your digestion and knots up your stomach. It ups your blood pressure, and cuts off blood supply to the brain, you will need it all for "fight or flight" (this among other things causes you to send down more food to ease the pain, gain weight, and as a result of diminished brain food supply you do dumb things). That is why we tell you not to make any major decisions during this time.

You have no experience on file for being "alone" as a single person, so you have all these very up tight uncomfortable feelings that tell you that you want to get away from this.

You react to feelings generated by your subconscious master system that is trying to get you to "survive" what it perceives as grave danger. It wants you to get back to "comfortable known situations".

This severe fight or flight caused feelings you are getting because your subconscious has nothing on file, leads you to erroneously conclude that this leaves three options to get away from these terrible feelings of fight or flight. ( it is often referred to as divorce "pain")

1. Deny to yourself that you are alone....that you are single.
2. Try desperately to get back with your ex.
3. Conduct an emergency search for a replacement spouse or lover.

The correct option is number 4. and is the only one that has a high chance of succeeding over the long pull.

4. Accept you are now a "single person' and learn how to operate comfortably in this new territory the dangers, traps and pitfalls to avoid. Practice, practice, practice.

When you study up on it, practice and experience it and are informed about the new state, ( that is what we try to help you with) your subconscious shuts off the "survival alarm".

Your divorce pain goes away.

Your new goal is... "I am learning and becoming a happy successful single person."

When your subconscious accepts through spaced repetition that this is where you are going... it gets right with it...

Once it is programmed, (gotten through to and accepted by your subconscious) every time you do something or wind up somewhere that does not fit this or assist you at arriving at this new goal, your subconscious will be making you uncomfortable and you will tend to get right back with your new program.

Because now it "feels right".

We discuss and go into this in great detail so that you understand it is you and your present programming ( belief system) that are acting as your own jailer and keeping you from the good life. You have the ability to let yourself out to a new-found freedom any time.

Note:
We did not say you could not "graduate" from a happy successful single life and get married again. We are saying this time when and if you do it will not be an "escape" from single life. It will have to look pretty darn good this time and be the frosting on the cake, before you you decide to "graduate".

Until Next Issue.
Harlan
* * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #49, 08/11/04

GET A NEW BIGGER AND BETTER DREAM

Yes, you lost a relationship, but the biggest loss of all was that you lost a dream.

Many mistakenly think the solution is that they need to rush out and find a replacement relationship. We tell you that this is the frosting on the cake that comes later, instead we will show you that...the key... to getting on with a great new life is to right now develop and get a great new dream.

First, you have to let go of the "what was" dream. Admit it has died. Bury it.

Put your attention and focus now on a new dream, all in the areas that capture your imagination of possibilities.

What can you see happening in your new life that will create a wave of excitement that will power you towards your new dream?

What is it you love to do and what would you really like to have happen in Act 2? (the curtain came down on act one, remember)

You can not go back and repeat act one.

Even though that would be more comfortable, familiar (not so scary) and much simpler.

The curtain is about to go up....on act two, as soon as you as you have it planned and are ready.

Intermission has lasted long enough....let's get on with the play.....

Act two is not going to be happenstance.

Act two is going to be exciting...... because this time you have figured out what you really want to happen in this act.

Most people spend more time planning what they want to happen on their two week vacation than they do on planning the "rest of their life."

This time you have figured out what you love and are going to have happen and as you do so, you get under way with a huge amount of new energy, enthusiasm and zest for living.

This new creativity springs forth and adds a vibrancy to your being that is now part of you and it goes with you wherever you go and into whatever you will be doing.

Your new life in act two focuses on ideas and areas that capture your newly freed imagination.

This will generate that new energy that we are telling you will carry you along on a wave of excitement that will power you towards making this new dream happen.

Doing and planning for what you love is very important here and is the key to your new enthusiasm for life.

You will tend to be so caught up in the pressures and stresses of adjusting to the loss of the old dream, that you probably rarely think about what you'd much prefer to be doing with your time and energy.

Until you realize you and you alone must take charge.....

your new dreams will become only a fleeting thought before those new dreams become buried beneath a mountain of must do's, have to's, obligations and responsibilities.

Keep bringing your new dreams to the top of your thought and energy pile....for 21 days...

Concentrate every minute you can spare and the new found energy on your new dream for 21 days, it will then have become part of you and will carry you forward automatically after that..

Harlan

* * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #48, 07/25/04

Moving on with life..... Part two...

This "moving on from your divorce" decision will require you to mature (grow up) and perhaps for the first time take complete control and total responsibility for your own life...

Up until now, your parents had a lot of control over the "life decisions" you made, and your spouse had major influence over decisions that you made or agreed to that put you where you are now.

They were, however, your decisions, whether you took responsibilities or not. You decided to drop out of college, marry this person you hardly knew, move away to a new area, decided to bring children into your life, these decisions all led to where you are now....

Let's face reality,.....these were all decisions you made or went along with, but you have never thought of them that way... until now....

....you need to face up to how decisions you made got you here.....and....that this time you take full responsibility for what happens now in your new life.

There will be no blaming your parents, if one year from now your life is a mess and not working.

No blaming your ex.

There will be only yourself to blame. That's scary......Taking total responsibility for your life.

Once you finally realize and decide that now no one controls you, that life now is entirely up to you will be the most important turning point of your life.

Up until now it may have never occurred to you, that all along the way you had made life changing choices ...

You will in addition now need to give up on the idea that someone special is going to ride up on their white horse and rescue you.

.....and if they did you would probably have to clean up after their horse.....anyway.

Now you say the only thing you have left from that "what was" life are my children and they mean everything to me.

So in addition, then also for your childrens' sake, you need to seriously look at your life and where it goes now..

Once you realize everything that happens from here on to yourself and and indeed your children, from here forward will be the direct result of all of these personal decisions and choices you make now..

Once you realize the importance of this decision to take charge of your life now, then you will have taken one giant step for a new you, a new life, and as you began to understand that you can be and become in total charge of your new life..

Your new motto..."If it is to be...it is up to me"...
....... and as you learn how to take total responsibility to change your new life and the lives of your children for far better than they have ever been before..... you will start to see there is a bright light at the end of the divorce tunnel.

In this moving forward you will now understand that along the way of your previous life you had given up to others much of your freedom to choose.

In your new life you realize you will make good and bad choices. But they will be all yours and you will continue to look forward to the challenge and opportunity to make great choices every day.

You are now closing and locking doors behind you and throwing away the key....realizing they are never to be opened again.

That now you are only opening these new doors every day.....

Every day you will become more enthused about your new possibilities and capabilities.

You will be eliminating all your doubts about your capability to let the sun shine on a new happiness and light up your day as you become more and more capable of controlling your own life in every way.

Each day will get easier, as you practice and become in total control and a master of your own life.

Laughter and joy will start to flow in regularly.

You will discover you are no longer a victim of divorce......

You will soon be able to say, "my divorce was the turning point, it gave me this opportunity for a new life and was, it turns out, to be the best thing that ever happened to me."

* * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #47, 05629/04

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #47, 6/29/04

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Turning Point
You had a relationship that was an important part of your life and it suddenly ended. You play the memory of "what was" over and over.

You even go to therapy and spend hours talking with others about your "what was", your ended relationship and the life you had with the ex and the way that made you feel.

You can and will, like most of us, spend months trying to make sense of and trying to understand why it ended.

After a while, all your former friends avoid you and do not want to hear this broken record again.

They will likely describe you as hopeless, you are never going to get over it. That you have become a real "loser".

You are totally on the defensive, your life is out of control.

Those in a split are put in a "war" total full alert battle situation with great fear of even further damage to their disintegrating life.

It is for you, the number one "crisis" of a lifetime. How bad can it get?

You had all these dreams and years invested in this marriage and now it is gone, like it never was, taken from you. You say, it just isn't fair...why should this happen to me?

You try everything...you give and give and get nothing, you bargain and get nothing, your life is out of control, nothing you try works.

Eventually you realize what was....is over.

There is now "no one" in your life, "Just You".

You become the new priority, if there is to be a worthwhile new life, you are the priority.

There is no fairy tale, there is no "happy talk". What was keeps ruminating around in your mind and it is killing you.

It has been constantly going down down in a self destructive spiral which has wiped out your life.

Why does it continue? Because "what was" hangs on in your mind.

You have had a hard time letting go and it still controls you.

You find in this process you are no longer master or in control of yourself and your life any more. What is happening in your life and what happens now seems to be under other's and the system's control.

You are like the alcoholic. You know you are not going to get out of this and get a new life, until you decide to take total control and responsibility for your new life.

What you want is a new mindset. The old mindset of the victim or looser is killing you. You want to defend your life, your territory. How to do that? You radically shift the way you stand in it. Wake up your survival instinct and get over it.

When you are not over it, you are under its control and going nowhere.

Being under its control, means carrying a useless weight which exhausts you and takes away all your energy for life..

Why is this continuing to happen? You find you have no power. You have given it all to the divorce and to your ex.

You have given them control.

Once you realize this you can decide to get back the power to control your life.

Here are some key mental changes you will need to firmly make to get back the power to run your new life on your own.

These are mental changes you will need to make and are not optional.

You have the key here to let the all new life out and if you don't apply these mind set changes, your new getting on with life stays jailed.

You until now have been a victim, you have been a real "loser."

Now you are going to become a "winner."

One year from now you will be able to say this divorce was the best thing which ever happened to me.

You realize for the first time in your life: you are free!

Your ex and that life is gone and gone forever.

You finally realize you will never get back together. It is dead, gone and buried. What was, "was".

You don't need your ex or a sudden replacement. You have been sold a bill of goods. You are perfectly fine without them.

Sure you will meet and have new significant people in your life.

Right now, you realize you can make a new life on your own.

You finally realize alcohol or even prescription drugs do not help.

Getting drunk is not drowning your problems, it is irrigating them; the worst thing you can do.

Prescription drugs, are zombie pills that put your life on "hold". They freeze you from doing the processing, taking control and getting on with life.

What your ex does or does not do now, is none of your business!

You no longer have any control over them....you gave that up... you have discovered it was a chain that kept you from getting on with your new life..

You have now simply cut that chain.

You have a new mind set that gives you complete freedom. You do not in any way control them and they in no way control you.

If they can make you mad or ruin your day...you still have allowed and given them control of your life.

Get real! Why they left is of no further concern or value. What they did and are doing is to serve their own needs.

Again, in any divorce situation, you need to wake up your power in the inner you and realize that this has been a battle for survival.

Your life is made up of time... very precious time.

You have been wasting it, hung up in the divorce controlling your life.

Like the alcoholic, you have to make a very firm decision, you are taking back control of your life.

Nobody can make that decision for you, this is a 100% do it yourself project. Advise, yes.. but you have to make the firm decision that you are taking back control of your life. Again, like the alcoholic gives up an addiction with great pain, you as a relationship addict go through the same thing...... but until you both do... it controls you.

Making this decision gives you freedom, space and instant recovery.

Sure, you will have to give up the "poor me" negative attention, but in a matter of days you will be filled with enthusiasm over your options on where you go from here and you will not want to wait in sharing your new possibilities.

More on moving on from divorce in next issue,

Harlan

* * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #46, 05/26/04

Please send a copy or feel free to print out a copy for a single friend whose ex got the pc.

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

Today we start with a quote.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -- Helen Keller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This says better than I can..... LET GO of what was..... Until you do you can not even see the new door that has opened for you...

Divorce is the ending of something that was a great part of your life...

We all have difficulty letting go of that, admitting that is over and stop mucking with it... We think it is a life catastrophe.....that your life has all but ended...we want to put it back like it was...we were familiar with and could deal with that...

Here we are in no mans land... we do not have our old life and we cannot yet visualize our all new life.... This place we are in now is scary... it is the unknown. Once we accept we no longer are going to live the "old life", then we can start to figure out what we want in our new life (start to open new doors)

Yes, it is something you plan...you set goals, you visualize what you want to happen in act two...you plan how to get there.....

You do not sit around now waiting for the next shoe to drop....the next catastrophe.... that is what you have been doing....and you are past that.

We say make no small plans.... this new part of your life.....YOU are in control....(often for the first time).

We have many articles on goals and moving on to an all new life.... see the "site map" top right at Divorce Recovery 101

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

On reprogramming ....(dumping erroneous beliefs) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You probably are aware that your actions are a direct relationship to your beliefs...

When you come out the far side of divorce you have some erroneous beliefs you picked up.

One of those is that you are a defective undesirable person that no one could ever want and love again.

(your ex had to sell you on that one before they could give themselves permission to leave you)

You may not be aware that you can wear away an old belief that does not serve you by changing your actions.

Act as if...
I'm pretty sure most of us have heard "fake it til you make it".

In our dating classes, for example, we tell you if you go to singles events acting like you were weaned on a pickle you won't attract many prospects.

We say when you go, act like an enthused happy successful single person. They say, well how can I act happy when I feel miserable even being here...?

We say fake it.... all you have to do is fake it for 5 minutes.... then the feeling catches up.

That is right...you can not fake (act) it more then five minutes... You start feeling like a happy successful single person.

Here I am telling you that if you act (fake it) as if you've already succeeded at something you dream of being, having, or doing, you've taken the first steps to actually achieving it.

Each time you act as if you are already there,, you gently wear away the old belief and start replacing it with the new belief, that hey, I am a happy successful desirable single person that has a great future with many wonderful friends and relationships.

Each time you act as if, it gets just a little bit easier...you encounter less and less resistance to what you are doing.

Before long, you are no longer acting as if ( pretending and faking it.) but you really are!

Stop here and take a minute to think about one of your dreams that your current beliefs keep getting in the way of.

Visualize what would you do or how would you act if you had already achieved that and arrived?

Once you figured that out and visualized it, go out and do it.

Sure you are going to run into hurdles and feel resistance when you do it. That comes with the territory.

You're challenging the very belief you're wanting to replace in order to achieve your goal of a happy successful new start in life..

Acting as if (pretending) is a way of visualizing that you are putting into real life motion.

How can you apply this right now in your life?

Try walking around with the confidence you would have if you already had reached (for example) your new "I am a desirable, wanted successful happy single person" goal...as if you are already there.

Remember today's...lesson... Your beliefs are restricting your actions. If you want things to be different....you need to revise your programming (your beliefs) and you do that by .......going outside your beliefs...(faking it) and gradually wearing down these old beliefs that have been and are restricting getting on with your second chance for an all new and better life.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #45, 05/02/04

You Have The Key, on The Inside, and You Can Let Yourself Out of The Divorce Miseries Anytime You Want.

Many emails arrive in my mailbox seeking help and advice around the clock, telling me all the details of how badly and unfairly they were and are treated by their STB ex and life in general, and how devastated and hopelessly bogged down they are in processing all that has happened to them. They seem to want to know will this ever get better, should they try to put things back together with their STBX because they just can not handle much more of this turmoil and emotional roller coaster.

Without a direction you are like a ship without a destination, it is likely this will not wind up good so you have all types of apprehension, and fears about "what catastrophe happens next".

Once you can let go of "what was"...admit to yourself that it is over, that it is nothing more then history, you burn your bridges behind you so that there can be no going back, firmly decide, that under no circumstances are you ever going back to "what was".

Once you make that decision, only then can you take charge of your life and start to make plans.

You have heard it here before but the easiest way to explain this is grasping the idea that you have three places to concentrate your energy and efforts.

The "what was" is where your head has been, with a little dabbling in the "now". You were so programmed for the "what was" you do not even see the "now" as reality.

Finally you start to see this is it...this is where I am going to have to exist.....

but... grasp this...the three places start with the "what was" and "right nows".

Those are not where you need to concentrate your thoughts and efforts now.

Your new life, and what's ahead is the third choice....move there and concentrate now on the "gonna be's".

If you concentrate and plan and work every day for making great "gonna be's," soon those great gonna be's start arriving, and before you know it, the "nows" are transformed. When the GONNA BE'S steadily arrive, you then have great NOWS, and with great NOWS, you will soon have great WAS-ES.

You have been locked into and trying to make sense of and recoup in some manner, the what was, to make sense of and/or to learn to live in the "depressing" now.

You have the key, you can close and lock the door to what was. Only then can you use that key to open the door and let yourself out to move on to the great "gonna be's".

You decide....where are you living...? The "what was", the now, or the "gonna be's".

Once you let yourself out (you have the only key, and are the only one to do it) and on to the gonna be's, then the "nows" keep getting better and take care of themselves with your looking forward to and seeing the "gonna be's" arriving.

Like the alcoholic, you have been addicted to a relationship, and like any other addiction, YOU have to make the decision and the extreme effort to end it COLD TURKEY..

Neither we nor anyone else can do it for you.....

We can encourage you, we can sympathize, but it is you that has to do it...

You graduated from high school, it was one of the best times of your life, and you did not want it to end. But it did.... and they wouldn't let you go back..... all your friends went off somewhere and no matter what you did......that part of your life was all over...

Now you have graduated from your "starter" marriage, it is history, it is all over, and you have to move on.

You totally "give up" on the "what was" and you only expend energy and concentration on the "gonna be's".

This time you are "in charge" of your life, not your parents, not your "stbx" not some new romance.

If your life is a bomb six months from now...you wont be able to blame your ex, your mother, the government, or anyone else....... You are now in full charge of you and your future, and you call the shots this time (maybe for the first time)....make and accept no "small" plans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Dr. Phil......children are better off and prefer being "from" a broken home rather then being "in one".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote attributed to Martha Stewart:
If you want happiness for a year, get married.
If you want happiness for 15 years, get a dog.
if you want happiness for a lifetime, get a garden.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOTE; Nbc enterprises is doing a second season of their reality series on "Starting Over" and are interested in talking to newly divorced.

To read
what they asked me to post..for our readers go here This will only remain posted for a week or two so if you are reading newsletter archives it will be gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #44, 04/11/04

The legal hassle tied up in the getting a divorce is a main contributor to the emotional trauma involved in working through the process.

It is my sincere belief that if you do the legal part right, you can cut the rest of the process in half. Do the legal part wrong and you can double the length and severity of the process.

No, this does mean hiring a super duper or the very best attorney. It means understanding the process and the hazards of turning your divorce over to a stranger (even though he has a law degree and comes with references). It is the legal process and its many traps.

Please go to our site map and read everything you find on the legal process and understanding what decisions you need to make: click here

The legal articles are not separated out like they should be so you will have to look through it. There may be an easier way to find them from our front page.

Here is an article to start with that has other links on the bottom of the article to many more, click here

We connect you with many outside links with many good articles by attorneys.

You are afraid of anything you are unfamiliar or not knowledgeable about.

To lose your fear and anxiety, learn all about it. Understand the legal process and you will be greatly helped in your emotional process.

Nothing I or anyone can write on working through the emotional divorce will help you as much as this simple advice to get you reading up on the legal process and hazards to avoid and decisions to make.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Now days they tell me the average person stays and lives at one house or address about seven years.

Apparently things change, there are opportunities in other states or parts of town and a zillion reasons for moving. This includes moving on to a better neighborhood that better fits your current situation and advances in life.

It still amazes me that many people take a long time to understand the end of a long term relationship but have no trouble understanding that a house was a perfect place for your needs when you moved into it but all that has changed. It no longer does. So you move on.

Marriage relationships now last about seven years on average and are in the same area right around the same seven years figure as the seven year moving from a house to a new location figure.

When you changed houses you had to make the decision together.

When one of you moved from the relationship the other one often had absolutely no say in it and may have been perfectly happy as it was.

They are very upset they had no say in this move and it comes as a surprise much of the time. One partner "moves on" and the one left, tries to hang on to what was.

Another comparison is that you loved high school, it was the best time of your life.

You had this network of great friends like you may have never equaled again.

Yet you graduated and were told you had to "move on," you could not go back. Your high school friends often went off to college, to the service or just in general scattered everywhere.

Your network of friends evaporated, you could not go back to a life you were comfortable with and had a great time. You had to move on.

It was scary..... Did you know that one of the highest likelihood times of committing suicide is the day you graduate from college?

You are forced to move away from what you knew and loved, your friends are leaving, what happens now?? You absolutely do not want to move on.

You would think the college graduate would be delighted to move on with great joy to a great NEW life, that they had worked all these years to get to.

Moving on from a relationship that one graduated from can be just as traumatic when you realize your new life is unknown, it is going to be scary.

Graduating from a relationship is now happening in a shorter time then ever for many reasons.

One of those reasons is it used to be you had to be married to survive. To support the children that were certainly going to appear.

The pill changed that, and in addition now both men and women can now be self supporting and one does not need the other to survive.

Life expectancy has increased dramatically. If your life expectancy at the turn of the century was around 35....if you got married at 25 marriage til death do you part was only ten years.

Now your life expectancy is up around 85. If you stayed together it was going to be for 60 years. If you have been married ten years you now days re-evaluate... do I really want to be married to this person for another 50 years?

Do I really want to live in this house or neighborhood for another 50 years?

One partner decides they do not want to stay in the relationship. So they move on. The left partner is forced to " move on " too, though it may take months to accept the idea.

This is something like moving on from a "starter house". You outgrow a house and you outgrow relationships. You change, they change, and you move on down the road.

Nobody failed. You grew and changed at different rates. Neither you nor the partner are the person you used to be. Needs changed.

The house was adequate and worked out well for a time. The relationship was adequate and worked out well for some time.

The fact that things, needs and people change does not diminish the okayness of what was.

It just no longer is....so you move on down the road.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

This getting old is a real bear. ......Here is an article we just posted that might give you some idea of how this works...... go here

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #43, 03/15/04

This newsletter is all about working through the divorce process and is sent only to people who subscribe. If you need to unsubscribe or subscribe, see below.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Last issue we talked about what for an elephant, is "broke" meaning to being under man's control by being made to believe (by chaining to huge trees when a baby) that as long as he has a chain around his foot and it is fastened to something he can not get away. He grows to be a huge strong beast that can pull out that tiny stake he is chained to in a minute. He was and is still convinced that he can get never get away because he is chained. That outlook is mentally programmed and his will to escape is "broke".

Like the elephant, you are still "broke" into believing some things that are no longer true but they still are able to control your life just as if they were true, because your big computer has accepted them as true (it is part of your programming).

The big thing we are stressing here is to get you to recognize, that now at the bottom of the pits of divorce is the very time to inventory and see how much of this programming that used to be true, no longer is but is still running (and ruining) your life.

The reason now is the time, is because unless life is not working in a disastrous way, (divorce calamity) you continue to just keep on doing what you have been doing or what programming your life has been running on no matter whether it works for or against you. You tend to just keep bumbling along...this is good as it gets...etc.

The key sentence in all of my divorce material is...."How to get from the worst time of your life to the best time of your life in six months."

Most readers initially at least think that is hype. It is not, I assure you. What I am trying to tell you here is why people in the pits of divorce make changes in their life they never would have made otherwise, and how it can change your life like nothing ever has before or will likely ever do again.

Well, you heard the old saying, when life gives you lemons-- make lemonade. That is exactly what we are doing here.....

If life had not given us lemons....we would never have gotten on to turning things around and making this great new lemonade.....

We take much of this up in my articles and we will do more in future newsletters.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What I really set out to write about is something I have never written specifically before. I want to call this...
HARLAN'S 80% RULE....
This concept may change things for you.....

Previously, I have done articles on..."Expectations and Demands Exceed Performance" as an example.

That concept is that you "expect and demand" that people or certain things go or turn out a certain way or you are demoralized, crushed, or depressed because the "world out there" always disappoints you or nearly always fails to meet your demands or expectations.

The point is, it is not what the world out there is doing or not doing, that is making your life miserable, it is your unrealistic demands and expectations. You can not control the world but you can change or give up on your expectations and demands.

If YOU give up on making the world out there shape up, by merely just getting rid of your expectations and demands...

RESULT......
No more unhappiness or disappointments.

That is certainly an oversimplification, but that is the general idea.

Harlan's 80% rule is merely an extension of that...

Whenever I do new business things or ideas or investments etc. I have a percentage of those that do not work out and in hind sight, I say that was dumb, why did I ever try that?

Seemed I was always upset or my day was ruined because there was always something that did not work out as hoped or planned.

I spent $1,000 dollars on an advertising program and I only got back $100. Really upset. How could I be so dumb.... to have tried that. ??????

So in short here is HOW and where I bring out and apply my "80% rule"...

20% of new things in life that I try to make work, just do not work out.

This latest failure is just part of that 20% group and comes with the territory.

This is the rain that falls in every life.... (20%) 80% is sunshine.

If I am doing so good that I have less then a 20% failure rate (things I try that really bomb) then my life or business are not growing, because I am not keeping up by trying or doing enough new things.

If, however, I am having bigger then a 20% failure rate, then I have to scale back and not take as many risks on new things than I have.

Looking back, many of the reasons my businesses have lasted when all around in the same field have failed is because I am currently trying out and doing new things (risky) that may not be part of the business now but may well keep it going as the main stay next year or five years from now.

No need to be upset or distraught because everything does not go as hoped or planned.

Therefore I am passing that formula on to you and you may want to consider adopting it...

Try going out to that new place to see if it might work for you in meeting and developing new friends, if you just keep going only to the proven places you know work... then sooner or later it will all dry up on you.

Constantly try out new things all the time so you are having about a 20% failure rate and an 80% success rate on new risks.

Sure, I lose my shirt and my time and effort on a lot of things I have tried, but it is within my 20% rule. It is those very new and risky things that expand your life and keep you going, and you are not depressed or down because you do NOT EXPECT OR DEMAND all winners.

80% winners will do just fine, thank you..

If all you are doing in life and every thing is working 100%, you are totally unaware of it but you are actually in a "slow death" spiral.

The 20% failures are only the part of risky new things, new adventures and new people you try that do not work out.

They are evidence to yourself that you are participating and are being exposed to the other part of the new and risky things, adventures and people that do succeed that make life work and your future exciting.

Your new motto can be..... I do not expect to and do not have "all winners." (20% targeted failure at best estimates.)

No need for finding excuses, no need to find someone to blame, it is just part of and comes with growing and expanding your life.

Now you are dealing with life........

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #42, 02/28/04

You Are Your Own Jailer.......
and....You Can Let Yourself Out..
You likely know what it means when they take a wild horse and they "break"him.

A horse that has been "broke" is one that no longer does what he wants to do. It is a horse who has decided (been convinced) he must do what a person (people) want him to do.

Here are two more examples, and all three of these also apply to you. We tell you over and over that this is your big chance, to change these "broke" portions of your life, that were previously decided as true and became part of your programming. You can "undecide" these controlling life decisions, and if there was ever a chance to do it, it is when you hit bottom after a divorce.

They take an elephant baby when he still weighs only about 200 pounds and they chain him to a big tree. He lunges and fights and fights and after days of this decides that when he has this thing around his leg he absolutely can not get free.

The elephant grows up, and gets to several thousand pounds. They take his leg shackle and drive a little stake in the ground, and chain him to it. He will stand there all day and not be able to move, though he can pull that stake out in an instant. He is convinced from his prior programming decision he can not get away.

Story two. They take a huge Pike (fish) and put him in a big tank. They put a glass window down the middle of the tank and they put him on one side of the window. On the other side of the window they put hundreds of minnows. The dining delight Pike love to eat.

The Pike gets hungry and sees a minnow so he makes a strike at that minnow and bangs his head on the glass. After several days of this the Pike has a very banged up head, and then decides striking at minnows is very painful and gives up on minnows deciding this does not work.

Once he decides that, (he is broke) they remove the glass and the Pike will then starve to death, in a sea of minnows swimming right past his face.

What was, NO LONGER IS. The programming (decision) was made when it was true, but is now controlling and ruining their life even though it is no longer true and has changed.

What we have been trying to tell you, is that you have some of this "broke" programming controlling your life that was once true but has changed.

We tell you this "no longer true" programming decision that is controlling your life can be changed. It can be "Undecided." Not easily but it can be undecided.

This is why we tell you that you are your own jailer, just like the elephant, the horse and the pike, jailing themselves, you now have the key because you are now aware of it, and....YOU CAN LET YOURSELF OUT....of your self imposed prison.

This is why we have helped many people make some profound changes in their life, at the pits of divorce miseries, because they will now take a serious look at their life.

You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, and ....You Do Not Need Anyone To Do Bad ....Things Against You, You Do More ...Than Enough Against Yourself.

Pogo the comic strip character says, we have searched every where for the enemy, and we have found him. He is us........

You have made some decisions about yourself and your life that are self imposing. Your ex and the world are not keeping you from moving on to a great new life. It is decisions you made in that past (broke) about yourself that are no longer true, but you nevertheless allow them to still control your life.

Like the huge elephant tied down and going nowhere because of a little stake, your life is tied down and going nowhere because of you being "broke" by firm decisions made under circumstances you found yourself in, in your past.

These circumstances and life controlling decisions made that are no longer true nevertheless, are now your "programming" and are still controlling (erroneously limiting) your life.

Example, if your ex told you for years that you were highly inadequate, a junk person, and you made the decision they were right, you now allow yourself only to do those things a "junk person" would do.

If you started doing things a highly successful person would do, you will be very uncomfortable because that is not you or what my type of (junk person) does. You tend to sabotage the good because that does not fit because you are chained, totally restricted by the small stake.

Since this is a newsletter and not a book, I will need to end the subject for now, you can pick up much of this "now is the time" to reprogram and change your life articles in our archives and site map listing of over 300 articles.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Good quote but I lost the author....
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Share this newsletter with a newly divorced friend. Forward it or if their ex got the computer, print them out a copy.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #41, 02/16/04

Help For Getting On the Other Side of Divorce and Moving on To The Best Time Of Your Life.

Of all the axioms we asked people in our divorce classes to remember and make a part of their recovery and new life....... the most important one is...

Pain Shared is Halved....
Joy shared is doubled......

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

When you have a beautiful sunset happening and you really enjoy and you turn to say "isn't that beautiful" ......and there is no one there.

No one to enjoy it with, it just is not as good as a beautiful sunset you share.

You had a mate that was the primary "sharing and halving your pain" with and you "shared and doubled all your joys" with.

Your long term mate rode off into the sunset never to return..... and now there is no one..... and it all feels very hollow.

You know that your mate is gone, but you desperately miss that part of your life that you know worked, you know you need and want that part of your "shared" life back......

Now you decide....... that if you are going to get this glaringly important part of your "shared" life back, you have to get right with it and get out there and find a new "replacement" mate.

Find someone (anyone) that will ride up on a white horse and fill this important role.... and rescue you from all this aloneness....

You start a crash program to find someone, read up on everything you can access on "finding a mate." You search the web for someone of the opposite sex on the same quest.

WHOA ! This is the wrong solution, at the wrong time.

What we have here is a need that is aching to be filled and finding a new mate will temporarily solve the need and the problem..... however..

Experience and statistics show this merely adds to the accumulating problems of "aloneness" when this first "replacement" trial crashes and burns (and the first one almost certainly does).

When you are newly divorced and an emotionally needy person, you tend to run right out and try to get one person the job of filling all these needs.

The job becomes so overwhelming, they resign.

This additional emotional trauma of another loss becomes overwhelming. If you think the divorce loss was bad..... this sequel is even worse.

The correct solution is to build a foundation of "single friends" (start at a divorce support group for example) to fill many of your needs.

What you need to work on right now is developing new "single buddies" and pals of both sexes, single people whose company you can enjoy and are fun uplifting to spend time with.

Out of that will come a few close people you can share your dreams with - and who will support you in anything you do to fulfill them?

You lost nearly all of your married friends who believe you have something that might be catching, and avoid you.

You will also develop what we call a "singles family." This is another complete subject we take up elsewhere.

These are people you need in your life and to develop as soon as you can a few of these people close enough to share your fears with, knowing they will give you strength and not judge you.

These will be people you can safely call in the middle of the night and say "I need to talk." You need to have a few of these single family of people you can ask for help when you need it most.

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend.

This is something that is learned and practiced. You have been out of practice for years.

Start by getting closer, by sharing part of yourself with someone you know is likely to be supportive.

This network of single friends will continue to fill some of your needs so that later when you are ready and get into developing one on one relationships you will not be a desperately needy person.

Just be aware that when you have your new life together built on this solid foundation of sharing and support friends network, you will not have any difficulty getting someone "special" to share and bask in your sunshine.

You will then be in a position to and will only be interested in an "up person" and actually select and develop relationships that will further add to the quality of your new life, not be a drain on it.

You will have many friends to share pain with, to share your joys, the many friends will introduce you to other friends, invite you to parties were they will have people that are your type.

Please make a note that you can expect 80% of your new life successes to come from and be as a result of your "friend" and singles community network and the support of your new "singles family."

We are never telling you to avoid the opposite sex until you have been divorced a certain time or you pass certain tests etc.

Develop a big network of friends of both sexes, but please avoid emotional entanglements until you have completely sorted out the emotions of untangling from your long term relationship involved in your divorce.

MY WARNING: CAUTION: Do not run an all out search for one member of the opposite sex to fill all your needs at this time or to rescue you from the miserables.

You will likely get applicants and those that will play your chimes, for temporary highs, but remember, the emotional crash that is coming when they split, (and they will ) will be devastating.

Hang in there, we will get you tuned up and ready for the fast track soon enough.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Here is a new divorce site getting a lot of publicity, and with some great graphics...etc...take a look...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

That's it for this issue friend. Thank you for reading. We'll chat again in a couple of weeks. If you would like to chat with other folks in the process and some that have already been there and done that, try our Singles Talk Shop

Until next time, remember, one year from now when your new life is humming along far above your expectations, keep in mind it will be because of decisions you make now.... Remember also, you will be able to take all the credit, for this is likely the first time "only you" have really been responsible for YOU.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Pass this Divorce 101 newsletter on...... If you have friends who could use a little help and would enjoy receiving this update, please feel free to forward it to them. Suggest they subscribe.

Top of Page

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #39, 01/19/04

In each issue, you'll learn the proven recovery strategies and methods used by thousands of other people that have successfully worked through the same thing you are currently going through.

----------------------------------------------

This issue includes...

1) Starting Over, Means making decisions.

2) YOUR ZEST FOR LIFE BATTERY HAS BEEN DRAINED....

3) Are you making the most of your life?

4) BECOMING SINGLE CAN KILL YOU AND THE PROCESS IS EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.

Please forward or print out this newsletter to or for anyone that you know that can use a little help with the process.

They can also subscribe to receive their own copy, of this newsletter, by going to the bottom of this page.

Starting Over, Means Making Decisions....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Last issue we discussed that moving on required some basic decisions and you taking charge of and total responsibility for your new life.... If your life is not working great six months from now, you won't be able to blame your ex...

Only yourself........

Here is more.....

Decide....
It is time to give up on being angry, it is not affecting your ex, and it ties up your mental computer, so it is not fully available to be able to change your life and get on with bigger and better...

Decide.....
(we repeat) that you have given up on what was a long term relationship by cutting off 100% all contact with the ex, any dealings, go through some third party for now....

Decide......
All the crying is over......get over fear of more hurt more or FEAR of getting hurt again if you move on with life.

Decide......
You are indeed an okay person, until now you have been sold on you must be defective often by your ex, yourself, and society for not making your marriage last forever.

Decide ......
You are now developing a network of single friends and an all new basic singles family. That you are not now looking for a relationship or someone "special" to rescue you.

Decide........
You are going to stop and give up on what doesn't work, and concentrate now on what works. Give up on old habits and ideas, and decide to start over with all new programming.

<><><><><><><><>

YOUR ZEST FOR LIFE BATTERY HAS BEEN DRAINED....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This divorce process is one of the most emotional draining things you will ever go through in your entire life.

You think your old zip is gone because your ex took it with them.....

Not true.... Understand where it goes (or where it went) with this article I wrote years ago, and just found on Country Singles pages, that explains why your old spark has gone, and how you recharge it and make your new life work..... back to brightly again.

Go here and get ideas on getting the life back .......in what has been your emotional run down battery...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Are you making the most of your life?

_______________________________

Each of us is born. Sooner or later, each of us dies. What makes the difference is what we do with the time between those two points.

Life is short. Life is made up of days, you only get so many.

Do not waste a single day more then necessary working through the trauma of divorce or the loss of a relationship by death or desertion.

Your very life expectancy is affected by how long your life is hung up in what is often the most traumatic and stressful period of your lifetime...
read....

BECOMING SINGLE CAN KILL YOU AND THE PROCESS IS EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.

The above is part five of our STARTING OVER series. We suggest you read, study and digest one part per day for the next 44 days which it will take to complete the series.

Every day, without fail, you feed your stomach. Make it a point, every day without fail, to remember you too need to feed your mind - to give you the information, motivation and strength to move through this quickly.

You will learn how to handle, lessen the stress, and move on to a great new life in a much shorter time.

Start here and today read part one...

DIVORCE - BOTH AN END TO SOMETHING AND A GREAT NEW BEGINNING.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Quote

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
James Gordon
Medical Doctor

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #38, 01/06/04

NOW THAT I HAVE STOPPED CRYING WHAT DO I DO NOW ?

Moving on from divorce pain and getting on with a new life can require a lot more time, or it can be handled in short order by making these basic decisions right now.

Make each a firm irrevocable decision:

Decide.....What was ( your marriage ) is history.

Decide.....There is nothing to learn from rehashing it.

Decide..... To switch your mental processor's time to being concentrated 100% on your new life ahead.

Decide......That you are an A-okay desirable person that just graduated from your "starter" marriage.

Decide...... What your ex is doing or not doing with their life is now none of your concern.

Decide......That you are not looking to rerun or repeat act one, you have moved on to act two which will be nothing like act one and have an all new cast of your choice.

Decide.....That you have closed a door to what was, and can now open the door to an all new life (act two) with an all new you, and this all new you is now 100% in your control.

Decide.....To set firm goals as to where you are headed and what you plan to have happen in act two, the "how to's" will appear magically along the way.

Decide.....Make no small plans, you are thinking big and getting right on with the program.

HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU TO MAKE AND ACT ON THESE DECISIONS WILL DETERMINE
HOW LONG BEFORE YOU CAN GET ON WITH A GREAT NEW LIFE.

Life is made up of time..... You can muck around with "what was" as long as you like and avoid making these decisions, it is your life you are eating up and you DECIDE how much you want to waste.

You may want to print these decisions out, paste them on the fridge and review them often.

We have spent years putting together the http://divorcerecovery101.com site and it consists of articles we have written to help you to be able to make these decisions and move on to a great new life, in a short time.

Here, for example, is a medium length beginning article on the importance of goals, click here With two extensive articles on setting goals for your new life, linked at the bottom of the above article.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Quote:
People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile. Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Always have something ahead of you to look forward to...to work for and hope for."
Dr. Maxwell Maltz
Author of "Psycho-Cybernetics"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Quote:
Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it, it's only good for wallowing in."
Katherine Mansfield
1888-1923, Author

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

HOW TO EXPLAIN DIVORCE TO YOUR CHILDREN........
If you are just starting the process, here is a new article on how to handle the divorce with your children. click here

DAD, DO YOU DIVORCE THE KIDS?
Article by guest author, just posted, on what he believes is the hardest part of divorce for many men, click here

IF YOU NEED HELP........
New article on getting help when you need it. click here

SEARCH THRU OVER 300 HELPFUL ARTICLES.......
We now have a search engine right on our site to make it easier to find an article on whatever you are having a problem with today. Bottom right hand column. Enter key words, click here

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

New Baby Food... (humor), click here

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Got a friend going through or considering divorce? Forward this newsletter and suggest they subscribe (below)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If you have been forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe (free), send a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #37, 12/23/03

RECOVERING FROM DIVORCE

Information is the key to success in business, recovering from divorce, and even getting back into dating again (and even sex again).

The internet can be an extremely valuable resource in learning what you need to know to succeed at almost anything ...and avoid falling into pitfalls, traps as well as expensive and time consuming detours.

Years ago, I created a formula I call H.O.P.E. which simply means Harnessing Other Peoples'Experience. It is basically what I use as background material for what all I write about.

If you went out and spent months interviewing and questioning, let's say, one thousand recently singled, and you did one thousand a year for ten years, (which is basically what I did) and you found out what worked from them and learned what wasted a lot of time and energy...

Throw in your own experience in using and personally trying out in that same ten years, what you learned, you would have a lot to write about....

After writing about what you found from Harnessing Other Peoples' Experience, and personally living and trying out and recommending and then watching hundreds of other newly singled trying out with great success what you learned, the resulting articles then appeared a few times in print... and then it was gone........

Often found lining the bottom of a bird cage or wrapping a fish.......

What a waste.... all the years of your concentrated work you put into this, that could be helping the new crop of freshly singled... ...instead.......gone forever....

.........then one day...the interned appeared...

A...ha.......

Here is a chance to be able to use and share all of this accumulated knowledge, and maybe even for the next 100 years continue to do and get some good out of all that research, testing and just plain work.......
......a chance to world wide, help the steady
stream .....of hundreds of thousands of newly singled, whether by divorce, separation, or widowed, to help folks that are wondering through the dense jungle of adjusting to the loss of a long term relationship, and moving into single life each year..
.....often dazed by it all,
.........often needlessly making the same mistakes others ahead of them had made, totally uninformed with little or no way of learning about what works and what does not.

So...... in my case....

We got to work, posted much of this material on the web, and after four years of work (so far posted less then half of the accumulated material) spent tens of thousands of dollars on web expense and help and are still at it.......a long ...........way to go....

Meanwhile carrying a heavy load of keeping several businesses in the black to accumulate enough money to keep this all on the web for at least another ten years after I am gone.

Several members of my family have contributed much to this effort and continue to do so.

We have never asked anyone for a dime on the web sites. The only thing we have asked is that each reader in turn expend a little of their energy, to send and simply refer others to these web sites, and print out and share information, for those newly singled friends not on the web.

We do get a few thousand people who accidentally bump into our web sites, but it would make it far more rewarding if you would help us get those numbers to tens or even hundreds of thousands that became aware of and obtained help here.

Since we do not have additional money to advertise or promote this information availability here, we have to totally rely on each reader to help spread the word.

Here are some of our web sites where we are posting each month, not only our accumulated material but new articles monthly, like this one.

Once more in case you may have missed some of our web sites........designed to help and of interest to singles...

Here they are:
http://divorcerecovery101.com
http://datingagain101.com
http://sexagain101.com
http://singlelifecoach.com
http://singlestalkshop.com
http://countrysingles.com
http://azsinglescene.com
http://18wheelsingles.com


In addition we have already added some free courses written recently just for the net, and our several newsletters which are all basically fresh writing. You will find links to subscribe on the sites.

We have researched the web and put together over 1200 links to sites we think will be of interest, fun and of help. Click here and go to our switchboards on these sites

We have spent thousands of hours of work to find, read, evaluate, sort out and make these sites and links as helpful as possible.

We now ask our readers to e-mail us comments on what works, and what helps and what does not work for you; harlanjacobsen@webtv.net

Put the words "Divorce" in the subject line to get past spam filters.

To read some of our emails to the editor on the divorce site so far, go here...


We are looking forward to hearing from you, telling us your experience and your success using H.O.P.E. Harnessing Other Peoples' Experience.

We are waiting and looking forward to adding your feedback.....

Indeed, all of us who work on these sites all look forward to receiving these e-mails, as they tell us people are using these sites.

These e-mails are our only reward and help encourage us to work on.

We ask for comments positive or negative.

Yes, believe me, they do really help make our day...

We hope we have helped make all of your days better in 2003 and you allow us to help in 2004.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Woman's Divorce Newsletter

Most newsletters get paid for suggesting other newsletters and getting their readers to go there, sign up etc.

We have never accepted payment to do so, therefore when you see links or suggested places to go for help and information, such as at our switchboards, it is not because we are getting paid to refer you there.

It is strictly because we have reviewed these sites (rejected hundreds of others) and believe these are exceptionally good places to go for information you need and may give you additional and or better information on some subjects than we provide.

Here is a good newsletter, we have reviewed and it is for women of divorce. Just go here to sign up,

It is free and if you do not agree it is helpful just unsubscribe. It is written for women and you will see discussions about preparing for your divorce, dividing assets and debts, dealing with children's issues, and sound tips on starting over.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Happy Holidays from All of Us
Here is a Christmas card I received that I thought you might enjoy, so I share it with you.
http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=9420635&m=1761&rr=y&source=yahoo999

Note: These are slow loading but worth the wait.

Here is the Christmas Lighter Side for you.


Here is an Inspiring Christmas Story, we posted to share with you.


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

CHRISTMAS DAY OFTEN GETS LONELY Lets try an experiment and lets all get together on our Singles Talk Shop at 5pm eastern time on Christmas day and let's all share and chat about what you have done that has worked for you and what has gotten a lot better for you in 2003. Then we will move on and let's chat about what you want to have happen in 2004 and/or we can chat about any thing at all that you like...... that was just a suggestion.

Remember, talkshop is open 24 - 7 so just join in at any time. But...especially let's try Christmas day to get together at the same time and let's see how that works out...might be fun..

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #36, 12/13/03

In this Issue:
+ Getting Past two major steps in your divorce.
+ You and the kids surviving the Holidays.
+ You have just been dumped off....
+ Todays Quote
+ Kids' best answers

,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

Two Major Steps In Recovery

Last issue we had just posted and referred you to our new article on getting over resentment.

How to get over tying yourself up in knots with anger about your ex. and others, go here.

This issue we are referring you to the matching (just posted) article on how to get over your fears about divorce and your new life. Go here.

In Alcoholic Anonymous 12 step recovery program, these two are a couple of the (hardest) major steps in getting past alcohol controlling your life.

Likewise, in the divorce process it is just as important for you to be working through these two and in getting past them to stop your divorce from ruining and controlling your life.

.....................................................................

+GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS+

Here is an article we just posted by a guest author on getting yourself and the kids through the holidays, go here

.....................................................................

+ You Have Just Been Dumped Off +

Divorce and separation are just like being dumped off and abandoned in a foreign country with no way to get back.

You hardly know anyone here, and you are not even familiar with the language, they speak "single" and you are only comfortable with and good at speaking "married."

You are right off under a lot of stress... You do not know how to tell who is "okay" to trust here and who is a danger to your survival.

So initially getting to know or developing any friends and acquaintances here at all is kind of scary. Result: sort of lonely here.

Also stressful is not being able to do and live like you have done for years. This is all different and you have to get used to the unfamiliar and all new-to-you ways of everyday living.

Everything in every day living is new, and as a result uncomfortable. You have to be careful and "work at it" all the time. Exhausting.

Eventually, perhaps after about three months, you develop a few friends, get to know what and how the natives live and what works here. You get your new life down to a routine.

You are no longer desperately trying and figuring out how to escape this place, to go back where you came from.

Turns out, it is not all that bad here....sort of a challenging opportunity to do some things you have always wanted to do.....

You now have a lot of great new friends in your life here, do a lot of exciting new things and have gotten comfortable and familiar with living here.

And then you say,........

"It's not at all like I was afraid it was going to be, and....hey, ...this is turning out to be a pretty good life experience after all."

<<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>>

+Todays Quote.......+

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.

Victoria Holt

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

......was just reading some kids' answers to several questions... here are a few of the best ones.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 9

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Do you know anyone getting a divorce?
If these newsletters and our web site help you get to the other side of divorce, why not send a copy of this newsletter to them and suggest they subscribe, (its free) (see below) and help make their 2004 a better year.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

We are constantly posting new divorce articles (in addition to the over 300 already posted) at Divorce Recovery 101, click here See the new article section for the latest.

You may not know we have a free five day course on "Moving On To A Great New Life" from your divorce that arrives for five days in your e-mail box.

To start lesson one tomorrow send a blank email here

If you would like to see what others are saying about their divorce and single life, and might even want to throw in your thoughts, go to our online single life support folks at Singles Talk Shop, click here and see what's up.

Think you might be ready to try that dating thing soon? Read up on it a bit first at Dating Again 101, click here and consider subscribing to our free dating again newsletter Simply send a blank email here... It will show up in your E-mail box every two or three weeks or so...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #35, 12/5/03

This newsletter is sent free to help anyone going through a relationship loss, whether by divorce, death or desertion. Subscribe or unsubscribe below.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Last issue we gave you a link to the part one, http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/moving_on.html on correcting 38 erroneous beliefs you picked up and were in general screwing up your life.

This issue we planned to link you to part two.

How to uninstall this screwed up programming. Well,we did not finish that article in time, instead concentrating on "Resentments" which you should read if you are still angry with your ex and the rest of the world.

How long are you planing to be angry anyway?
Go here

Getting rid of resentment is step four in Alcoholics Anonymous, a support group which finds it necessary to give up all your resentments (grudges) before you will be able to move away from booze.

Alcoholics Anonymous uses "sponsors," sort of mentors who has been through the stop drinking process to tell you when you are ready to move and take action on step four.

In our classes we had a lot of people who had worked through the divorce process who continued to attend and to pay back for the help they had received, who then sort of acted as "sponsors" or mentors for people in the classes who were in the middle of the process.

This was an important part of the help obtained in our classes, (now called support groups). We have not been able to duplicate mentors on the web.

When the statistics first came out on Alcoholics Anonymous my recollection is that the professional psychiatrists etc. were having about a 6% stop-them-drinking success rate and AA had something like 70% success, which as I recall sort of blew everyone out of the water.

Anyway, whatever the figures were, for the first time everyone had to recognize that self help support groups could and do work.

They are far, far better than all the professional help had ever worked.

Old joke...I am not an alcoholic, I am a drunk, alcoholics have to attend meetings.

Perhaps, the success of support groups and individual counseling is that you do it on a regular schedule, and it gives you a place to unload whatever is bugging you this week and recharge with a new enthusiasm to work toward a better life.

Our http://www.divorcerecovery101.com web site offers information and help but does not do that, and we are working on how to add that.

We added http://singlestalkshop.com to our sites and that fills some of the gap and we are also working on expanding that sort of thing. It would seem that a combination of reading up and gaining much information from our sites on a regular basis, going to an individual counselor once a week and joining a local weekly support group would be one heck of a combination to speed you through your divorce process.

Getting back to resentment;
Alcoholic Anonymous call it the Dreaded Fourth Step and your sponsor has to tell you when you are ready to tackle this important step of getting rid of your resentments.

We hope now is the right time for you and that you are indeed ready to give up on past resentments and those generated from your divorce.

This will allow you to now move on from your divorce miseries and get on with a new life.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Here is an Inspirational article by a guest author, Margo, who writes great stories from personal experiences; go here She was divorced for two years and has happily remarried, and we have asked her to consider writing an article on her experience in getting from the worst time of her life to the best.

She is a great writer, and we hope she does so. We look forward to sharing it with you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

ARE YOU READY TO RECOVER?
Maybe not....

Recovery from divorce is about going through mind shifts, evolutions of new consciousness, getting out of the box, off the sidelines, in the game, playing offense rather than defense, learning life skills so that you can get on with developing a new second chance for a great new life.

Is it time for you to make that change?

Or, are you needing to wallow in the "divorce hell" pits a while longer?

Maybe you need to have the most miserable day of your life and get it over with.......

Instead of being just a little miserable for a long time, you can get into being really, really miserable for a short time and get it over with.....

Go here.."The Most Miserable Day of Your Life" (from our previous July 15th html newsletter)

It is your divorce, you deserve the right to get to decide how miserable or how long you need to be miserable.

Want or need to hang on to resentment, etc. for a while yet?

or....

Tired of being miserable? Decided yet that this is not working?

What is happening to you now is not about what someone did to you.....it is now about what you are doing to yourself by continuing to muck around with it, ..........and/or now realizing finally that it is indeed you, and only you......... that can let yourself out of this dungeon,..... you alone have the ONLY key.

That key is you, merely deciding,

.....make the decision that it is over, that it is time for you to let go of it...

Call it experience, call it personal history.

That decision is the key that will let you out.....

You Decide.....????

.........Ready, or not ready to let go of "what was" and move on?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

In case you missed it...here from our archives is a reminder of the perfect Christmas Present. His and Her Remote Controls, Go here

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

We occasionally ended our Divorce Recovery class session with this powerful prayer. Today we end our newsletter with it.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
------
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
To understand, than to be understood.
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #34, 11/22/03

We are supplying a divorce recovery map so you can not only survive this catastrophe, you can come out on the other side, to what will well turn out to be the best time of your life.

If you can use help in speeding your recovery, subscribe for a free copy delivered to your email box, see below.

However, if you want to stay miserable, this newsletter is not for you, see below, and unsubscribe.

We have over the last six months put together a lot of information on our site plus outside links to help cut out over half of the trauma which originates from the legal coming apart process.

To ELIMINATE this factor, you need to be very well informed, hopefully before you get too far into it.

If you know anyone starting the divorce process, do them a favor and send them this site's legal resources.

Here is what we have added in the last month, of importance for you to get information on the coming apart legal process that is tied together with the emotional trauma.

We suggest you read (just posted) 93 Articles by Judge Anne Kass, an Albuquerque court system Judge, now retired, who has written and is sharing insights on our pages; valueable information you need to know about divorce and child custody. It is all based on what she has noted and put together in an 18 year period. go here

A good part of your emotional trauma comes from "being afraid" of the unknown. What is happening here is all a huge threat to your well being, with you entering unknown horror story territory.

When you get in the middle of an adversarial divorce with an "attorney taking your case" life and your future seems to go completely out of your control.

We have an article that is a good start in understanding your options with good outside links at the bottom of a series of articles on the legal process... Start here.

IN A NUTSHELL....

Agree to Avoid an adversarial "contested" divorce.

Identify the issues between you, meet many times to negotiate them all, horse trade and both make concessions.

If any issues are left unresolved, use mediation or arbitration to settle the rest and stay out of court.

You can along the way consult attorneys for advice, but both agree not to turn your case over to an attorney and avoid adversarial divorce.

This will cut the trauma of your divorce in half (and save you both a fortune in attorney fees).

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Now that we saved, prevented or cut out half of the usual divorce trauma, let's talk about what is left.

GETTING PAST THE EMOTIONAL HELL
A big part of the emotional turmoil is a result of some erroneous decisions (become beliefs) you have made about your divorce situation.

Using the understandable computer analogy, you have heard the GIGO problem. Which means "garbage in is garbage out."

What we are saying is that you have arrived at a divorce belief system that often consists of the following erroneous beliefs.

Your life is running on this operating system and what you are getting is a "garbage out."

INCORRECT BELIEFS YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT FROM THE EX AFFECT WHAT IS HAPPENING THAT NOW ACTS AS YOUR BASIC OPERATING SYSTEM.

1. I was rejected.
2. I was betrayed
3. I am no longer desirable
4. My life is totally out of my control
6. I will never be able to find anyone again
7. I was lied to, about what was going on.
8. Cruel unfair way to End the marriage.
9. Why me? this is just not fair.
10. Angry and shocked, no warning.
11. Our marriage vows were ignored....
12. I "Failed" to make my "marriage" last.
13. The ex spouse is right, I am defective
15. Everyone thinks I am damaged goods
16. GOD has abandoned me.
17. Terrified of handling my future alone.
18. Friends think my spouse made a fool of me
19. My whole marriage must have been a lie
20. Cheated, this is not "til death do us apart"
21. Afraid to make all these decisions alone
22. Is it worth it to even try to survive alone?
23. My family sees me as a failure.
24. I will always be alone on holidays.
25. Divorce means my Kids lives will be ruined
26. I've wasted the best years of my life.
27. I can never ever be truly happy again.
28. I will "never have a Sex life again."
29. There is no light at the end of this tunnel
30. I will never trust the opposite sex again
31. No one else will ever be interested in me
32. No one to take care of me when i am sick
33. I am not complete without a partner
34. I'm no good.
35. No one will ever love me again.
36. It's all my fault.
37. He/She was the only person for me.
38. Overwhelmed....Just too big a hill.


This is all garbage, and how long it takes you to correct this programming will have a great bearing on how long the hold up in getting on with your new second chance for an all new great life.

A divorced person that has moved on to a new life, past the divorce trauma has "uninstalled the ex effect" of all of these erroneous divorce caused beliefs and gotten well beyond them.

You can too......

You can read the first half of our new article on this and part two next issue. go here

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A reader sent us this Quote:

"If you follow your heart, you're a romantic; if you follow your mind, you're an intellectual; if you follow your ex partner, you're a stalker." Rhonda Breed

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

PRINT THIS OUT TO PASS AROUND ON THANKSGIVING DAY...or email to a friend. Blessed? go here

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If your kids raise a fuss when you try to go out... New article...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If you were forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe, send a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #33, 11/04/03

What is Divorce Recovery 101 Newsletter?
This newsletter provides information, articles ideas and what works in working thru divorce, getting past an end and on to a second chance for a great new life. Success on your own with happiness, and how we attract that into our lives. To subscribe or unsubscribe see bottom of page.

This Divorce subject is something I learned about in 32 years of writing on the subject, plus my personal experience with two divorces.

Learning from over 10,000 attendees that attended 3 classes a week I conducted for over ten years.

This specialized information could continue to help thousands of others on the web and I decided it should not go to waste.

This is why I decided I had to share it and regularly put together this newsletter and our several associated web sites.

So sit back, enjoy these little tidbits we send you and before long you just might see some Welcome Changes in your life!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

As you know, we make no charge for anything and have nothing to sell you. As a result we have no income to promote or buy advertising or even pay for listings on search engines. (did you know they charge for getting your listing near the top and for each person that clicks on your site?) Therefore most of our new readers have to come thru our present readers referring our newsletters and sites to their friends that are getting divorced etc. That is the only thing we ask of you.......Tell your friends and acquaintances about these resources.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A couple of issues back we reproduced an email from Ian of San Diego who had been in the divorce process for one year. He shared how it had gone for him and offered to help wherever he could for those still in the process.

I asked him to write on the subject of how he had retained his friends, which I thought was unusual and would be helpful. We made a web page for his article and you can read it by clicking here...

He has promised to write more articles on "what worked" for him, and we look forward to sharing them with you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MOVING ON TO A BIGGER AND BETTER LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

****************************

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned was in a book by Og Mandino, entitled "The Greatest Secret in the World." The lesson? Very simple: "Use wisely your power of choice."

<><><><><><><><><><>

1. You are now in full charge of your new power of Choice.

Accept Your New Responsibility.

Up until now your parents and your ex had some control of your choices. No longer.

Your new life Success will come now from strictly you and the life choices you make.

Your second chance for a great new life will come from your pre-meditated use of choice and decision.

Choosewith certainty what it is you want in your great new life and set goals.

2. Respect the Reality of your Divorce Face the Facts

Do not deny what is True and accurate.

Recognizing what is true information is essential to success with your second chance at a new life.

Your new Reality is based on your dealing with the truth about "what Is."

3. Take total Responsibility For You, Make No Excuses

Excuses are "self permission slips" for screw ups and failure to act.

Dreams for a new and better life go flat when you let the air out of your "great new life" balloon with excuses.

Make it part of your new life plan, to eliminate "excuses."

4. Character as a separate and distinct person Counts!

Everything you say and do now complements or compromises your new character as a single person.

Always do the right thing.

5. Make Everything Count

Every thought, every decision you make, and every action you take now moves you closer to or further from your goals.

Choose wisely.

6. Practice Self-Discipline

Learn how to be "totally responsible" for yourself, perhaps for the very=

first time. To effectively and quickly move towards your new life goals requires discipline.

Every exception takes you off course and delays your great new life.

7. Continue and accelerate Your Education

To do better, Know Better.

Grow and expand your knowledge and abilities and you grow and expand your income and your life.

8. Make a Commitment to a new Excellence

Become the best you can be. Maximize your potential.

Head for true wealth. No more mediocrity, here on, choose excellence!

9. Learn From Failure and what Flops.

Nope, your not going to win them all. Failure gives you feedback on how to correct your course.

It provides information for you to learn from, apply and move on. If you have an 80% or better win rate, and 20% failure rate, you are doing fine.

Only by testing "what works" fully and having failures, can you grow your life to the max.

10. Enjoy Your Independent New Life, Have Fun.

Fun is essential to make your new life work. Allow yourself and plan pleasures to enjoy. A week without laughter, fun and joy is a week wasted.

Life is short, and this is your one trip thru, so personally plan now to enjoy it to the max while you can.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You may know we publish and maintain many different web sites. Here is one you might use to take a look around your state. These are all live looks. Click on your state for Webcams in your area and a live look around. http://webcambiglook.com/
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A SENIOR PERSONAL

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

DIVORCE QUOTATIONS
Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. Mary Kay Blakely U.S. journalist, essayist

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #32, 10/21/03

This is a free newsletter sent only to those interested and take the time to subscribe.
If you need to get your own subscription, or cancel one you have, see instructions at bottom of this issue.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Last issue we talked about letting go and you can tell by reading on the chat discussions at http://singlestalkshop.com and other single chat, just who has not yet let go and is still mucking around with the past and the ex.

Success in getting on with your new life is timed by how soon you can stop what you have been doing and actually start working on an all new and better life...

You have three places to live, concentrating your thoughts, time and energy on what was, where ever you are right now and on/or "Gonna Be's."

1. What Was.......
2. What is.....
3. What's Gonna be...

Newly divorced and some not so newly divorced talk about, think about (ex is part of "what was" and spend humongous amounts of effort and energy mucking with it and just refuse to give up on it.

We know you need to talk about it, (what was) over and over for you to process and put it behind you..

This divorce really does not make sense to your big computer to process and you have a blob of unanswered happenings here that you have no on-file programming for.

For you to let go, to get it behind you. to let go of what has happened, is you have to either talk it out, or write it out with a journal, or both....

It is like hanging on to a large amount of past garbage that is spoiling and rotting and then complaining....to everybody.... expecting understanding and sympathy.... when you say ........"my life stinks."

Those trying to help say oh yes, this is really bad garbage and so sad, and you are certainly right and it does really stink and we can certainly understand this just isn't fair that your ex left you with all this garbage.

We really understand, really sorry about what you are having to live with.

In Contrast.....

We are told we are hard hearted, not kind nor understanding, totally un-sympathetic when we are the only one saying, get real.... .....you are the one totally responsible for your continuing your camping on top of this heap.

It is you that has to decide.......
.....Move away from, let go of this leftover unprocessed garbage left over from life with your ex, quit stirring it up and mucking with it....

We say,........
........Move away from it, let it go....
...........true, there may be some great parts of your life in there spoiled and just rotting away.

It is history...it is "what was."

So that's done with....your former relationship with your ex, it is like rotting food in your refrigerator..... .......It once was great stuff...

Not now...... it has expired and is spoiling.
......let go of it, you can say "what a waste" throw it out, dispose of it and move on.

Let go of this "what was."

Now, we need to switch and concentrate our thoughts and efforts, not only on the "right now".......
.........but chiefly on the "gonna be's."

Over the years I have stolen ideas, concepts and techniques from great authors, lectures, seminars, and even singles conventions, all sorts of ordinary single people, and just about anywhere we could find anything to try that might be adopted and in some way help people trapped in the process.

Help them move out and on from divorce in a shortened time.

Much of this accumulated material we used over and over in a ten year period with new attendees, modifying it as we got feedback from those using it and testing it.

We have long since forgotten where the original idea or concept for most that we modified for divorce use, came from, so we no longer even try and of course totally fail to credit those who likely deserve credit.

Not because we do not want to, but only because we have totally long since "forgotten" where we originally got many of these ideas and concepts, parables or examples that help, etc.

Many of course we put together after studying x and y....we combined them and came up with z, something totally new that turned out would work with divorce.

This time WE REMEMBER where this concept came from. Comedian Sid Cesar, ( remember black and white TV, the show of shows with Sid Ceasar and Imogene Coco.)

Sorry, maybe you just are not that old.

Not too long ago, Sid was on Larry King talking about the old days and he brought up this "Gonna Be's" as one of his keys.

We have latched on to it and modified it to fit divorce.

So.... When in the divorce process
CONCENTRATE ON THE GONNA BE'S
What Was, what is, and the Gonna be's....
What was, perhaps was bad, (betrayal etc.)
What is, today is not so hot either, all kinds of problems....

What's Gonna be, is what we carefully plan, look forward to bringing into being,.....it is going to be much, much better....if you think about and concentrate on making great gonna be's...your "what is's" catch up...and turn great.....too....

You foolishly refuse to let go and wasted effort and energy on all this continuing mucking and wallowing with the what was's.

The "getting on with life" secret turns out to be very simple.....

Forget the what was's.

Live in the what is, but concentrate your efforts on the "Gonna be's."

You automatically can not fail to soon start having great what is's.

We noticed that as soon as those in our classes got something good to look forward to, (a Gonna Be) a trip to Hawaii, going back to school, anything exciting, they were no longer depressed and down....

This literally turned things around for them overnight..

This concentrating full time on great "gonna be's" really gets you out of this continued ruminating over the "what was's."

Then you get into visualization, affirmations, goals, all those techniques you can learn elsewhere, that can be used to "make things come true stuff" when you concentrate on the "gonna be's."

We have a lot of good articles on techniques and how to make these highlighted great
Gonna be's......
...... turn into great what is's.

The magic phrase for today...is "Gonna be's"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A DIVORCE PARABLE
By Harlan L. Jacobsen

I am happy, not that my long term love, loved one, and that part of my life has gone,
........but recognizing that the world we both laughed, loved and lived on together was "our earth," too for a time.

Not shedding tears now, over their departure from our "together world,"
......but remembering and smiling broadly over all the "good" we were privileged to share together for.... a little while.

Like two ships on the vast high seas of life, our paths crossed... we met and sailed on together headed in the same direction at that time, our journeys headed for and winding up together for some time tied up together in the same port.

Our cargos have now been unloaded and delivered.

Our fellow ships purpose and cargo has been reassessed, new cargo loaded and charting direction to new destinations has begun.

Though my ship was not yet prepared to move on out of this port.

They already have a new purpose, cargo and destination.

We acknowledge and appreciate the valued time we were able to spend tied together at this port, ........ and wish them "godspeed" as they untie, and head out to sea on a charted journey to a new port.

We will miss them bobbing alongside, knowing that we too, soon will have found new cargo and we will again be heading out to sea enroute also cruising enthusiastically full steam to an all new port.

We will certainly encounter many other great ships while enroute to this all new destination, and happily cruise with some of them for a good part of the journey.

We will eventually encounter on the great sea of life, and sail alongside with another great ship headed for the same new port at the same time.

We will look forward to being tied up together at this new destination,...... ..... this too will be cherished and great for however long we can be together.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. (William James)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

According to research at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If someone forwarded this newsletter to you and you would like to subscribe, send a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #31, 10/13/03

This free newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe, it talks about divorce and how to handle the can of worms that goes with it. If you would like to cancel or subscribe to this newsletter see bottom of column.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We Often Run Out of Time........
Sometimes I get behind on newsletters, and I am sure I am probably behind right now even though we recently sent one out.... So here is a catch up one that includes a good part that some one else wrote.

One of the great sources of inspiration and confirmation of what worked in our ten years of over 500 divorce classes was the people that had been in the classes for many sessions, and then came back a year or so later and shared with the new class, how it went for them and what "worked."

With online participants, we get very little feed back and though we ask folks to come back online with us and share with our newly divorced folks, how it went for them over the next year or so....up until now none had.

This week we received the following e-mail letter from "Ian" in California. I requested permission and he has okayed my sharing it with you. I think you will get more from it than anything I could write.
============

Harlan

I wanted to let you know that your site was the biggest help to me last year when I was going through my divorce and I'm sure it is for many people.

I remember the day I met with the lawyer for the first time and I went out for a walk/run afterwards.

At that point for the first time in my life I understood how someone could kill themselves, I was wishing for a heart attack because I knew I didn't have the guts to do it myself.

*BTW - I was never seriously contemplating it. I read everything I could get on divorce (legal and emotional) and dating again and it helped a little bit.

When I discovered your web site it was like a breath of fresh air.

You emphasized getting on with your life and burying the past which appealed to my left brain.

I threw myself into a rigorous program of self-improvement.

I made a concerted effort to keep in contact with all of my friends and to share what was happening in my life and to talk about any concerns or uncomfortableness that they might feel.

As a result of that effort I have been able to keep most of my friends.

I started dating a month or two later and this was the single toughest thing which I have ever done as an adult man.

Never has so many feelings of insecurity come up but I worked through that.

Fast forward a year, my life is totally different.

My finances worked out okay, I don't have as much free cash flow as when I was married but I am running positive and I decide what I spend my money on.

My 17 yo son has adapted to the divorce because my ex and I put him first. I have reinvented my spirituality rather than conforming to my ex's idea of the proper way. I have learned how to dance, I am taking ethnic cooking classes.

I have joined 3 singles groups which I'm not using for dating prospect but to make sure I don't have weekend evenings home alone unless I want them.

I am involved with restarting a single volunteer group here in San Diego.

I have studied dating theories extensively, learned how to write an online profile, attended a couple of speed dating events.

I have dated about 15 women and got into 3 short lived but fun relationships.

I have learned something from each of these women and they will always have a place in my heart.

I am now dating a woman who I love spending time with and who is much closer in sych. with the adult me than my ex ever was.

I don't know if it will last, if it doesn't I know that I will be okay and will find someone else.

I couldn't have said a year ago when my biggest fear was "that I would never find anyone else."

Most important of all, I am happy.

Anyway the real purpose of this email in addition to giving you some fuzzies which you deserve is to offer my help with the web site, articles, or anything else that you need.

*BTW -
In the last few weeks someone I work with started going through the divorce and re-dating process and hopefully I have been able to be of some help.

We went out for a beer and he talked for 1 1/2 hours straight, at the end he shyly said "I think I might have done most of the talking."

I reassured him that I just wanted to listen and be a friend as people had been to me a year ago.

Thanks again

Ian
*BTW=by the way

-----Thank you Ian-----for your help------

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Good Question, an interesting story about Child Custody...

A couple wound up in divorce court where the big issue was child custody.

The husband was asking for custody.

The mother protested to the court that since she had brought the children into the world, she should be awarded custody.

The judge asked the husband if he had any good reason why he should be awarded custody.

Being caught, unprepared, after some delay, the husband finally said, "Your honor, I often put a dollar in the pop machine down on the corner, and a can of pop comes out."

"Your honor, .....does that can of pop then belong to me or to the machine?"

=================================

Have You Been Rejected? Are You Afraid of Being Rejected Again?

We have a 9 part series on the subject of Rejection and I guarantee you it will change your outlook or fear about rejection.

This series involved a great deal of thought, long term research and effort and is probably one of the best things I have ever written.

We have never decided for sure if it belongs over on the http://datingagain101.com on the http://www.divorcerecovery101.com or even on http://singlelifecoach.com
Undecided we just put this series on all three sites since it can change things for you, no matter where you are in the single life process.

Direct link to the Rejection Part One, page...
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/rejection1.html

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #30, 10/06/03

DROP EX- CONCERN AND CONTACTS, LIKE A HOT POTATO

Looking over all the chat, the emails I get and other input, it seems that the biggest hold up in getting on with life after divorce is still "letting go".

We noted in conducting the divorce classes that the people who were not getting on with life seemed to refer to their former spouse as "guess what my wife (or husband) is doing now?"

Those who were moving on had unhooked and no longer really cared what their former spouse was doing and when necessary to talk about them, in referring to them used the term ex...

Updated improvement of that for those in initial stages is STBX, soon to be ex....

The test is if your stbx or ex can still upset you, make you angry or ruin your day, then you have "not let go."

You are like their puppet, they still control you, they can still pull your strings and watch you jump.

Only you can cut those strings.

Your ex is part of "what was."

That part of your life is over, stop being concerned with and stop mucking around with the ex, they are the "past."

You have been put at a place that makes for you a great opportunity for a terrific new life even though you were comfortable with what was, you have been painfully evicted, move out of the past.

You need all of your thoughts and energy to make wise choices and get on with what will be your opportunity for a new and better life.

Someone sent me what is supposedly an...old chinese saying,

"When your horse dies, get off".

This seems to be one of the major hang ups is admitting to yourself that your "horse" (marriage) has really died.

They often beat on this dead horse for months trying and hoping to get it up and running again.

It just "isn't fair" that your horse died. Many did not even know their horse was sick.

How can this happen to me now, and leave me here in the middle of nowhere?

Our "tough love" short course ...eight words,
"BURY IT and Move On Down The Road."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

WHERE IS THE SUPPORT SYSTEM?

All this that you are going through is made worse now days in a big part, by relatives and the normal support group of people that your folks and grand parents relied on, nowadays either this support group of relatives etc. either move away or you do, or both, so they are not around when and where you really need them.

You lose with your divorce, nearly all your married friends, you lose all the in-law relatives on the ex side and you are about as close to zero in support system and friends as you can get.

This at a time when you are at the very most stressful event in your life, when you most need a little help to get through it.

Now, hearing that, or knowing that, has not helped you a bit I know, but it does help to understand where you are and why you feel so alone and helpless at this stage of your divorce. So what do you do to make things turn around?

1. Develop a network of single friends in your locality and on the web. We are here and you will find others on the web who have been through this and that will help. Try our http://singlestalkshop.com See section with more on "friends", below.

2. Join a support group such as a local divorce recovery group etc. and local singles organized clubs.

Also see article, How to find a support group. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/support_group.htm

3. Study up on and research what has worked for others specifically in your locality, and realize what seems now like the worse time of your life may well be looked back in a year from now as the best thing that ever happened to you (hard to believe now but true).

4. Realize that working through this and getting on to a better life takes some study, motivation and a little time. Rome was not built in a day.

5. Recognize you need to talk about what you are going through. People that have been through this or going through this themselves are willing to talk about it without cutting you off.

Getting advice from them is not the important part.

Being able to talk about what you are going through with someone that will listen and understand, is. Again, our http://singlestalkshop.com may be helpful, lots of newly divorced on there all hours of the day and night.

For you to process this trauma and put it behind you, we tell you that you may have to talk about each part as much as fifty times. When you have talked it all out, you will have processed it and then it all falls in place and is no longer an unprocessed blob interfering with normal life functions.

Whether you pay a counselor who knows how to listen or you talk it out in a support group or friends or on the web etc., it basically has to be talked out to get it out of the way of normal life.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

MORE ON 'FRIENDS' SUPPORT SYSTEM

You can not have too many friends of all kinds.
The problem is that the non-single friends usually can not relate to where you are and you can not maintain all that you would like to because of this.

Many singles feel betrayed by married friends who just do not maintain the relationship like you used to have with them (someone said, like rats deserting a sinking ship).

But certainly build a network of single people that we call a "singles family." People who are there for you. People that care about you and your welfare.

Now you may have some that are not single and that's fine.

I always suggest you build at least one "security blanket friend" that you can call anytime night or day and they know they can do the same with you.

Now building a singles community is developing single friends that you "do things" with.

So I guess you have several categories.
1. At least one "security" blanket friend.
2. A singles family of people that "care" about you.
3. A singles community of single people you "do things with."
4. All the friends you can maintain, married, single or whatever.

Harlan

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Proverb
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #29, 9/23/03

This newsletter is sent to only those who subscribe and request it. If you were sent a copy by a friend and would like to receive your own free issue every couple weeks or so, see how to subscribe at bottom of page.


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

When we are deep in the divorce process we are angry and blame the ex for putting us in this "bad place" and position and we are at a great loss because no matter how hard we try to find a solution, where your life goes from here suddenly seems to be totally out of your control.

We suggest you divide these things in your life that you are now trying to control into two categories.

What you can actually control or really able do something about, list as under your control.

The big mistake is thinking that you should be able to control your ex, your situation and on and on all those things which you have no actual control, you list these under "concerns."

Go here to read more on the subject. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/concerns.html

You may feel you are caught and locked in an emotional "divorce hell jail" and there is no one that can let you out.

Many newly divorced are out there urgently searching for someone to "rescue them" and get them out of this.

If you recall the comic strip, "pogo" in one strip they were looking to discover who was the "enemy."

Pogo said, we have searched and searched and finally have found that the "enemy is us".

You do not need to have your ex or anyone or the world to do bad things to you.....you do far more to yourself.

Let's just say to help you understand this; you need to recognize that "you are your own jailer" and you alone have the key to let yourself out any time you are ready.

How long you are imprisoned in your "divorce hell jail," is entirely up to you. Only you can let yourself out and how long it takes you to figure that out is how long you will be in the divorce disaster stage.

It is not what is happening to you.....it is how you look at and handle what is happening to you.

We call it "your programming" to help you understand it.

One of the programming mistakes is your "faulty expectations and demands."

Your erroneous expectation was that your marriage was supposed to be "forever."

You demand that your stbx (soon to be ex spouse) live up to that expectation and you expend lots of energy trying to get your ex and your marriage to "shape back up".

The result is you are furious at yourself and your ex that you "failed" to make it last like it was supposed to.

The reality is 50% of marriages end in divorce, and nearly half of those remaining one or the other is "unhappy" in the marriage.

Yet your faulty belief here is that there is something "wrong" with you or your ex or both if the marriage did not last forever.

You live in a house for a period of time and you move on to something that better fits your situation and most people do that many times in a normal life time......

Moving out and on to a different house....usually bigger and better or a better fit...is no big deal....

Most people have or have already had many relationships in their life time and they move on to something as a better fit as a part of the natural "growing in life" experience.

Yet when you or your spouse or both outgrow a marriage relationship, one or the other refuses to accept it and deal with as normal and one goes into shock.

It is not the happening, the split, it is how your programming allows you to handle it.

People at one time not too long ago had a life expectancy of less then 40 years. Being married 25 years was a big thing.

Now being married 20 years, one considers, after all the changes in my life, do I, with a life expectancy of 80, can I really see myself living with this person another 40 years?

Result: one opts out, that ends it for both and one is caught by surprise.

Our programming, our expectations and demands have not kept up with what is reality these days..

You eventually learn you cannot control others nor the outside world, you can however control your programming, how you look at it, and react to and deal with what happens in your life.

<><><><><>

If you would like to read up more on updating your "expectations and demands" "programming" to make your life "work" go here...... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/happiness.html

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Live as you were to die tomorrow,, Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Note: We have had huge virus and spam attacks and if you have sent us an email and got no response please send again. Also our http://singlestalkshop.com chat divorce support site has been under attack recently by hackers trying to destroy this automated system. We are working hard to overcome both of these and have gotten behind in newsletters and new article postings as a result. We hope to be back to normal schedule soon.

Harlan Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #28, 8/31/03

We have been fighting virus and hacker attacks for weeks. If you have sent us an email and received no response or your email was returned as "box full" please send again. We have been receiving over 50 spam per hour and have repositioned our form system etc...to compensate.

When you email us, please put the word "divorce" in the subject line so your message does not get accidentally deleted by spam filtering. If box full please try again in the evening.

Also http://singlestalkshop.com was attacked by some obnoxious hackers and were finally run off only by deleting the entire board every time they reappeared.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

If you have been reading some of our articles you may be getting a conflicting message.

We tell you that the closer to being wiped out by divorce you are the more likely you will make major life changes that will lead to a far better life then you ever dreamed of before the divorce.

However, we do also tell you that in the first six months after the initial trauma that you should make no major life changes.

To explain that, let's just say that you have just gone through a major surgery and have just had a 100 pound, 200 pound or maybe even a 300 growth removed from your life.

Now that is major surgery, and when you look at it that way you realize that you need to treat yourself far better then usual and expect to take some time to heal and get back to your normal self.

If you look at stress charts that show what is stressful you will find this major surgery as the second most stressful thing that can happen to you. Usually, one or the other has change of location, financial crisis, change of habits, and if you were a housewife, you even lost your job.

So there are many things happening all at once that add to the stress, and when under a lot of stress you are much more likely to come down with a major illness, have accidents, screw up at your job, and a long list of other bad things that will also add more to this piling on of bad.

In addition, when you are going through divorce shock, your mental processing is not playing with a full deck. Therefore we warn you should not do any major life changes (like selling your house or changing jobs etc.,) initially because you will tend to do "dumb things" that you will regret later.

Therefore, for six months, delay major changes and hold off (delay) on doing anything that adds to your stress of healing from this major life surgery.

You can, during this time however set new goals and make big plans for your new life and act two, but hold off the actual changes until you have basically healed from this surgery.

We tell you that your parents always advised to save for a rainy day.....well this is your rainy day and we suggest, while recovering from this earth shaking major surgery, you spend a little money on yourself, do something you always wanted to do.

Anything you can do to make life better during your recovery from this major surgery, do it.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Initially, after the shock of your divorce hits you, putting your life back together may seem overwhelming, like more then you can handle.

Look at it like dropping a thousand piece jig saw puzzle on the floor. It looks like you will never be able to get it back together, absolutely overwhelming.

But when you get down to it, you see one piece that fits with another, then that leads to seeing something else, and it all just gets back together one piece at a time rather easily as something else becomes obvious from the last action.......

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

We have newsletter readers in all stages of divorce and we try to help move you along no matter what stage you are in. There are many parts of your life in for major change and taking care of and remaking your physical body should be one of your major concerns and projects.

Those in the initial stage of trauma should remember to stave off depression etc. you need to deliberately plan daily 30 minutes or more of exercise (such as bicycling, walking, jogging etc.) that uses the long leg muscle. Along with this be sure you get at least 30 minutes of sunshine daily. There are scientific reasons for both of these.

Also you will find dropping the shower and soaking in the tub with a little bubble bath is great therapy.

Remember, healing from major surgery takes time no matter how capable you are, this treating yourself well...... speeds the process.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that. -- Garry Shandling

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #27, 8/06/03

This newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe, if you wish to unsubscribe at any time see how to unsubscribe at the bottom of this page. If a good friend sent you a copy of this newsletter and you would like to get your own free copy on a regular basis, see how to subscribe at the bottom of the page also.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You have been searching the web for help with your divorce, and well, you have arrived at a site that CAN NOT solve all your problems, nor can this associated newsletter .........but... you ...can... find help and a guide to solve most of them in a relatively short time.

For example: Our http://www.divorcerecovery101.com web site, our short courses and our newsletter just can not eliminate all your problems, but what if it could help you conquer 95% percent of them in a relatively short time?

How much better would you feel?

With our http://www.divorcerecovery101.com web site, this newsletter and associated resources you will find we do not make nor will we be making any requests for your credit card nor making any of those traditional unbelievable claims that go with requests for your money..

You will find we have nothing to sell, never ask you for a dime, and when you get into working on your divorce with us and life starts to get noticeably better fast, you will know for sure we have absolutely no reason to ever be lying to you. It will increase the credibility of our material and assistance, every day you study and work on your divorce with us....you will soon be confident enough to really make this http://www.divorcerecovery101.com site your daily home page (set it so when your computer comes on, this is the page that comes up) and this will make for faster progress.

This learning and help with healing process is affective primarily with "spaced repetition".

One stop just won't do it.

In other words, the big help comes with devoting a little time each day to "moving on" with a daily nudge from what we have put together with "what works."

You have likely been thinking initially that you are always going to be feeling this bad, you have had strong negative things happen and you are probably thinking about the possibility of your being alone and miserable for the rest of your life.

Often you even get into a downward spiral of negative effects of this thinking negative about your ever moving on.

For example:

You're probably thinking this "do it yourself" move on from divorce in a short time pitch is like all the rest of the "helps" you've wasted your hard earned money and a lot of time on. That you'll just go on with your crying in your beer until someone rides up on their white horse and rescues you.

We want you to know that since your divorce life now is a series of important choices and you will to your dismay discover you have to make and be solely responsible for every one of them yourself (scary huh?).

Visualize coming to a fork in the road, with two distinct different paths that you can take; one if you study and get help here, really make full use of our help or........ the other trail, potentially winding up with you wallowing in your divorce pain for months or even years. if you go on the "do nothing route."

Imagine yourself at an intersection and you clearly see two different roads on which you can turn.

One fork where you can choose not to seek any help here (or anywhere) and continue to have and just live with your problems or........ one where you can dive into the road maps here, follow some directions and head out directly on a new road to get right at eliminating your problems.

Which road will you chose?

Yes, your normal tendency and defense mechanism vies for not doing anything right now, in this stressful period in your life.

What you have just entered is all unfamiliar often scary territory.

We explain to you, this tending to do nothing is all perfectly normal at this stage and everyone going through a divorce has adjustment difficulty getting geared up and taking steps to handle what is coming down the pike.

For example:

Should you have any thought about not taking the time and reading up and studying the process as explained here, (and other sources) it's just a little defense mechanism that everyone has in their brains.

It's there because you are afraid to move on into unknown scary territory, and when you got divorced you were thrust into an all alone "single person" jungle.

You need to make the decision (choice) that now is the time to take steps to move out of the quagmire.

You don't want this divorce to ruin your life, do you?

So get your self motivated....lord knows we have tried......make a decision.....(choice) that this is what you need to do now...not later.

We tell you to take notice that your divorce problems are gradually disappearing as you come by our divorce site daily and read information and tips you need to know..

For example:

As you continue to read these divorce articles and guides, you will feel your problems slowly disappearing...... the closer you come to finishing going through and absorbing all the resources we have put together over 32 years.

By telling you in advance about the results thousands of others have had, who have gone through the same happening, we are working hard to trigger you to start to feel this way and compel you too, to take immediate action to get your life under control.

We have many letters yet unposted but here are some you may read that are posted, http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/letters.html

We Ask You Here.... rate your divorce problem between 1 and 10 with 10 being bad and 1 being pretty good.

Then use this chart...

1-4: You should be ready for and really need our "where do I go now with my second chance for an all new life"....information.

5-7: You need to know, what do I do now that I have stopped crying and can see some light at the end of the tunnel..

8-10: Absorbing our collection of divorce information can turn your life around in one fourth the usual time.

There are a lot of good programs around to change your life for the better that really have no connection with divorce.

Years ago I paid for and sent my daughter to a Dale Carnegie course, which is a self improvement program that has been going on for years. Currently I understand it is about $1500.00

The short story is it literally changed my daughter's life...and she really discovered she had lots of ability she did not know she had and is currently finishing her doctorate etc. etc.

There are other programs such as Tony Robbins etc. you all see on TV. My point is that if you offered one of these life changing programs to most people even free.... most would not even bother taking them.

They say, I see no reason to change my life for the better.... and they just keep on bumbling through life complaining....

Now comes the reason I bring all this up....

Many people are completely or nearly completely devastated by their divorce.

The more they are devastated, the more likely they are to decide... that "I have a second chance and I am completely in charge of me now...so now is the time to inventory and rethink and rebuild a whole new life."

These are the people that originally told us that their divorce was the worse thing that ever happened to them and then came back a year later to tell us this same divorce turned out to be "the best thing that ever happened to them."

These are the people who decided instead of rebuilding and repeating what was, they decided now was the time to build an all new bigger and better........life.

They made changes that literally changed their life in a years time...... to far better than they had ever imagined.

Often their ex went on repeating the same old same old and have not advanced their life one bit. Often their ex was the leavor and was not devastated by the divorce and therefore was not motivated to make any life changes.

We have an advantage over Tony Robbins, the Dale Carnegie courses and all the others who have to spend millions in advertising to find people who are motivated and ready to take steps to change their life.

Our advantage is our readers have been shocked by their divorce and often are highly motivated to change their life at this time.

Therefore we offer some of the same "life changing information" and we offer it free. Hopefully you are motivated to take advantage of this opportunity and do so.

Now we know that if you paid $1500 for it you would have made a commitment to your self that this is something you need to do right now and you would definitely follow through.

We do not ask for nor will we ever have that financial commitment from you so we have to do one hell of a selling job to keep you motivated and on track to a new and better life.

How well we succeed now, is entirely up to you. You readers should know we have invested 32 years putting these helps and information together (of what works) and want you to know we are still adding to it and researching it just like the day we started.

The only thing we ask of you, to those of you who go through and use most or our material, is when you too........ move on down the road....from what was a bad time in your life.....promise us you will take the time to send us feed back on what helped the most....to recover...... .........and what really helped you move on to an all new bigger and better life.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Overheard at a divorce support group....

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY DIVORCE:

MINE AND SHITHEAD'S
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #26, 7/15/03

July 15 Newsletter with pictures etc, go here

Divorce Recovery Help 24/7, WHAT WORKS 
Harlan Jacobsen

One of our readers wrote and suggested that it would be more personal and helpful if I ran my picture with the newsletter.

We can do that with some difficulty and more work, (time) but we had given some thought about doing an html format to improve the newsletters prevously, so we thought it worthwhile now to try this format at least this once, (not necessarily include the picture).

So we are sending you both the previopreviously,...(with pics etc. and this usual text version.  We await your comments,..... 

WHAT WORKS AT HOME DEPOT

This newsletter, the Divorce Recovery 101 site, our free courses and your author can be compared to Home Depot, your home improvement center.
When your home gets damaged in a bad storm you go to Home Depot to see what's available, and what tips and instructions and help you can get to fix it and put it back together.

When your life gets damaged by a relationship storm, you stop by our sites to see what's available, what tips and instructions and help you can get to fix and put your life back together.

When you go to Home Depot you will discover that with a little extra effort, this disaster is an opportunity to not only fix what's damaged, you can completely rebuild and remodel to make it like you always wanted.

When you go to our web sites you will discover that with a little extra effort, this disaster in your life is an opportunity to not only fix where your life was damaged, you can take charge, learn how to completely rebuild and remodel to make your life like you always wanted.

Now Home Depot may not have anyone with a degree in house rebuilding, or remodeling, but every store has people with lots of experience and know how that can help you find what you need to know how to do and what needs to be done.

They will also explain what your options are, and tell you that where you go with all this, is of course your own decision.

Your author does not have a degree in building a new life, but does have lots of experience and know how, and we do have one staff member, editor Janet Jacobsen, (daughter) even working on completing her doctorate at ASU.

Home Depot and our web sites both use the same motto:

You can do it..................We can help.

You can stop by Home Depot, and/or you can stop by our sites and pick up the tools and material you need to rebuild and even remodel, or you can do nothing.
   
Where you go from here and what happens now and the future is "entirely" up to you.
                           The Most Miserable Day Of Your Life
  
All of us going through a divorce suffer and go through some pain in the process.  True, some more than others, which we will get into at another time.

We can just visualize your quota of pain you have to go through and experience and tell you that you can ration it to make it more tolerable, and take a "little pain" for a very long time or you can really get into some devastating almost unbearable pain for a short time and get it over with.      

If you go to your Doctor and tell him this divorce pain is just too much "give me something" to make it bearable. 

He will, and certainly the pain will be less but it will likely hang
around for a very long time.
   If however you decide you are tough and can handle pain, and want to get it over with and get on with life.....then consider deliberately planning and setting up.            

<"The Most Miserable Day of Your Life."             
Send the kids to grandmas,        
Take the day off.        
Take the phone off the hook.        
Stock up on Kleenex        
Dig out all your wedding pictures
               
Lay out all the love letters you got.     
Start early, make it a full day.
               
Get out the vacation and travel photos you enjoyed together.
All the photos of you both together with the new babies.     
The holiday and family pictures.

Spend the whole day pouring over these, remembering, crying, pound the table, really get into being miserable  (do not call or talk to anyone, do not answer the door).

Most that I have interviewed that have gone through "The Most Miserable Day Of Your Life," tell me that about 3 or 4 in the afternoon they became bored and sick and tired of the whole thing and "decide" I just don't want to do this anymore.

They also told me it was the turning point in "letting go" of "what was" and "what might have been" and getting on with "going to be."   

You could do this over the usual two years, mucking around with it, or you can do it in this one tough day.
                 
          GIVE UP...ON..."GETTING EVEN"   

Quotable:            "Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done.
Forgiving means abandoning your right to pay back the    perpetrator in his own coin,...but........... it is a loss............ that liberates the victim."
[Desmond Tutu, Anglican archbishop of Johannesburg, and Nobel laureate]

Janet ran the above quote in the Country Singles and Az Single Scene newsletters she edits, and I thought it was such a good quote, that we should have by now, an article on the subject of "forgiveness."   

However, when you think about it, the whole story and the lesson are all in the quote.

Read that quote again.

Who needs another article?           

Divorce Humor with a Message

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix....they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed............ you find out you actually didn't really need it anyway.  
++++++++++++++++++
Bumper Stickers....

Hang in there...Even Moses was once a basket case.

I am out of estrogen and I have a gun

Our Jesus is better than your Jesus< BR>               
........................................
New Articles Just Posted

Happiness as a Single Person Article about understanding importance of happiness as a single. No how to, only understanding it.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/happiness_as_single.htm

Going Steady -Exclusive Dating What "exclusive dating means" and the term going steady. Are you ready http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/going_steady.htm

Absolutely No Mate Hunting...go here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/matehunting.html    If you are venturing out better read some cautions here.

Coming Apart http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/coming_apart.htm
Understanding the coming apart process, and where are you right now?
........................................
Let us know if the new format sent seperately did or did not work ok for you because if it works for everyone we may discontinue  this version.....harlanjacobsen@webtv.net  

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #25, 6/22/03

Each issue we try to bring you what we think is important for you to know to help you shorten and remove some of the sting when you are going through the divorce process.

Each person’s divorce is slightly different then another person’s divorce but we all go through very similar emotional trauma.

It does not matter how much money you have, how powerful a position you hold in the community, how much education, no one gets a free pass when it comes to emotionally processing the "splitting of a long term relationship".

We can not "feel the pain" for you (we already experienced our own), we have no "magic pill" that all you need do is send us your credit card numbers and download you a guarantee with what we dispense that you will feel better by tomorrow.

None of that..... we have been studying and working with the subject for 32 years and what we can offer is what we have learned from over 10,000 people that have gone through the process. We try to bring to you, in an understandable plain language way, what seems to have worked for others and concepts and ideas that help you understand what you are going through.

Hopefully, we can warn you to avoid what some have done that needlessly detoured them in moving on down the road and sort of hung them up in divorce hell.

Many of you are through this pain stage and the legal stage but it is so important that you know about options, even if through that so you can share it with friends that will (count on it) be going through the process in the future.

My guess is that the "legal coming apart process" if handled in the "usual way" where most get trapped, with two adversarial attorneys, increases (adds on to) the emotional turmoil of working through your divorce by at least 50%, and often doubles the length of time before you are on the other side and working on a new and better life.

One of the most emotionally difficult things to handle is when you are caught up in the divorce process, is you feel "your life is, or has somehow gotten out of, your control."

No matter what you do seems it has little or no effect on what is happening and what happens in the future seems to also to be completely out of your control.

Even predicting how long before your new "future life" starts, seems to be totally out of your control.

It seems like there is a sword dangling over your head, hanging on a thread, and that your ex "can still do you harm."

Therefore, I have figured out that no matter how much good information and encouragement we supply you here,… it is in one ear and out the other and doing you little or no good ‘til you get out of this emotional no man’s land.

Therefore, I have put together an article with other links and references on the "legal divorce" being handled in such a way that explains how you have options to not give over control to a stranger (attorney) which when you do it, needlessly moves you into what I call divorce "hell."

This article tells you that you need to think twice on how you handle your "legal" divorce process, and I encourage you to send this article to your stbex (soon to be ex) and have them read it also.

In the past I have run some "legal divorce" seminars and was amazed how little most people going through the legal divorce process know about how all this works.

My legal divorce would not have been half as bad (or for my ex) if I had known what I know about the legal divorce process now.

You must understand that I have no legal expertise and each state has
laws that are slightly different versions, but the basic problem adding
to your can of worms, is what is known as an adversarial divorce.

Go to this page we just posted, read it, and go to the links we connect you with, much of which is written by attorneys, read every bit of all of those and then you will be pretty well informed about a subject that can mean a great difference in your working through this and to your future.

Go to the library and check out books on the subject and do further research on the web if you like.

Here are your options and here is the article... click on this http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/starve_lawyers.htm
If you have not yet started the legal process or you have a friend who has not, I believe this is the most important "must read" article I have ever written to help you through your divorce.
**********************************************
Last issue we connected you with a just-posted-on-the-web article on giving out "fuzzies" (good feelings).

We noted that most newly singled people are mostly in a "taking" do it for me mode, the world owes me a lot attitude.

To be successful in single life we pointed out you need to practice being in a "giving mode."

We suggested that since we were basically starved for fuzzies working on line (compared to live classes) and you could practice giving out fuzzies by sending us one.

A little over 2% of the people that subscribe to this newsletter did so and we received some very nice fuzzies.

Thank you, Thank you.

One had some suggestions on how we could improve things, and which we took to heart and are now doing.

Mary sent us a fuzzy that she had been giving out fuzzies and here is
what it said that I sort of hit me and I saved…

"usually practice giving out warm fuzzies everyday, it is still good to receive reinforcement and a little push to continue to do the warm fuzzy thing. "It always delights me when I can make someone else's day a little better because I was in it."

I think that I will adopt that last line....that if you get this newsletter and..... it helps your day....

here comes my motivation motto .......

It always delights me when I can make someone else's day a little better because I was in it.......Thanks again Mary......You stated it very well...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Just watched Sid Ceasar, now 80 years old on Larry King.

Did a thing about living in the NOW. He said there were only 3 options.

The what WAS, the right NOW, and the GONNA BE.

You need to learn to live in and really enjoy the NOW and then concentrate your thoughts and effort on planning and working on the GONNA BES.

When the GONNA BES arrive, you then have great NOWS, and with great NOWS, you will have all great WAS-ES.

This seemed an important concept and I pass it along for newly divorced to think about, since it is normal in the recovering from divorce process, to get hung up in the "what WAS."
**********************************************
Here is a new one on me....I have heard of getting an annulment in the catholic church, but I thought it was something you did in the first week etc. if someone lied to you etc.

Now I find out catholic people with grown children can sometimes get an annulment.

You still have to get a divorce, but if you get an annulment from the church then you can be married in the church again..... otherwise apparently it’s down to the justice of the peace next time...(and do you really get kicked out of the church for marrying out of the church).

This subject is something I know nothing about. For a more extensive listing of links and information on annulment, go here http://www.catholic-pages.com/dir/divorce.asp and/or here... http://www.divorceinfo.com/catholic.htm
..............................................
One of the things I think is important is to be able to laugh at life and even your divorce. This one is so good, I want you to know in advance that the loading time is real slow...but wait, I guarantee it is worth it...

If you feel that you are having a bad day, just know that others may be
having a worse day… http://www.azsinglescene.com/images/cat.jpg
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a young guy who had been in a relationship for several years, (not married) and was having a hard time not thinking about when they were together, but she had moved in with some other guy he knew and was not seeming to have any problem handling their split at all.

Wanted to know why he was having all this problem getting her and the relationship off his mind and she was not at all......

Wrote back and told him that he was lucky he was free of the usual legal divorce trauma and if he had moved in with a sexy babe, he likely wouldn't be thinking much about what had been....either.

He wrote back....there was a catch 22.... I had said absolutley "no mate hunting for six months."

Well now I wrote back and said, No mate hunting is correct, but I did not say no dating or no relationships.   

Maybe I should change that so you understand you can have opposite sex relationships any time you are emotionally ready, (to handle more emotional turmoil) but no going out looking for a mate for six months.

Another way of saying it, date when ready but "make no promises" for six months, or a year is even better (means no "commitments”).

Are you ready for dating, article, http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/start_dating.html
Are you ready for dating, Test http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/dating_test.html
Like our young man here it often seems unfair and hard to understand that the "leavor" is not also having problems "adjusting" to the separation,....... The reason is they went directly to a replacement relationship.   

This is like the alcoholic who is forced to switch from one form of liquor to another, they had little or no pain because they never had to "sober up."

In this case, he had to "sober up" (Withdrawal Pain) from the relationship addiction, she did not because she just changed "booze" (relationships).
.................................................................
Someone sent me a copy of a comment posted on http://singlestalkshop.com

which by the way is labeled Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

He asked in his comments, who is this Harlan guy anyway and how come he never posts on this chat?

Never responded to that ‘cause by the time I got it, was well down the list and doubted he would ever be back that late to read my response.

The answer is that chat board is maintained for our readers and others to sort of be self help talk, about what they are going through, with others going through the same things.   

Any chiming in there would likely intimidate their fully talking out their problems and others responding so I have a hard enough time keeping up with questions and problems on the question and answer board on the divorce recovery front page.   

A lot of those I get are marked "private" so their question or problem etc. nor my answer are never posted. What you see there is just the tip of the iceberg.

Besides, my opinions and suggestions, cures etc. are all up front articles on the sites, with divorce page now having well over 150 articles up and about another 100 in the process of being posted as we get time.

We have added a search engine (that searches ALL the articles on the site) on bottom of the right column, front page of divorce so if you have subject or question you can put key words in the on site search engine and you will know which articles we have posted so far that cover that subject or at least contain those key words..(for new articles look in the middle column new articles section, since the search engine is updated once monthly).
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thanks for sending these newsletters to your divorcing and widowed friends. Many have subscribed for their own free copy.

If you get this forwarded by a friend here is how you subscribe to get your own free copy in you email in-box about twice a month. Have them send a blank email to divorce_recov-@topica.com

Note, some spam filters screen out some newsletters, so if you subscribe and do not get a response from us or a timely newsletter please let us know.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #24, 5/30/03

This newsletter has readers in the shock and crying stage all the way to those using their divorce hiatus here to plan and move on to a great new life.

Therefore we have to write for a wide area of needs so we include in the newsletter a wide variety of material for many different stages.

In the last 30 days I have managed to write several new articles and Jeff has converted some of our archives to the net.

I have taken a lot of extra time to reformat them in the scan read layout to make it easier for you to absorb material from the printed web page.

Therefore I am in this issue going to list what we have just added....to the sites and talk about a couple of them here that I think are important for both the Dating Again readers and divorce readers.   

I am aware some of you subscribe to both so some of you may have the option to read some of this twice.

First of all, I often see people in chat discussions say they just want their ex back because after they have been away from them they miss them so much and just "loved them so much" they just have to try and try to get them back...no matter what....because they just can not stand to live without them....

From my observation of the coming apart process...and writing about it for over thirty years and having had over ten thousand people in my classes.... hearing this over and over....from the unknowing.... I get labelled "very cold hearted."

Understand I have been through the pain and know exactly what they are talking about.....

Can you not sympathize..and see they are in great pain and agony....they ask.

Never the less those going thru a strong emotional feeling when cut off from their ex...or stbx...(soon to be ex) announce that this strong feeling (emotional agony) is because they have determined they did not realize it but they "really really loved them" and

I say................ that is nothing but BS......wake up....deal with reality here...

They are nothing more and nothing less then a relationship addict....going through severe withdrawal and they need a fix...

They misinterpret these strong withdrawal feelings... as something else....

This is very important to understand and though I mention it in my articles often, I think it is absolute key for you to understand completely what is going on with this roller coaster of feelings and emotions so I have just this week written a new article on it...in
greater detail..go here... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

Named the article: THE REAL SOURCE OF YOUR DIVORCE PAIN.
Actually, (after spending two days reading thru our archives) (newspaper term is "morgue") we found parts one and two of a long series I wrote years ago called Divorce: tragedy or opportunity? and we promptly got them up on the web...after laboriously converting them to scan read...we could not find part three on what was the above subject.

Thought it was the key part of solving the puzzle so I just wrote an updated version of how I feel about this today......as a key article to help you in your unlocking where you are and what you are feeling...

So it is part three...

There will be a link at the bottom, back to part one and part two which we just put up also (see bottom of page) so you are encouraged to read those also... Part four...we will look for some more soon as I get time....

Here is one (article) just posted on motivating you on updating your programming with support groups, home study here etc. go here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/obsolete_program.html

If this newsletter was sent to you by a friend and you are new to our site also we have written a new Start Here...http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/start_here.htm
<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
Both of the following are so important I could not decide whether to put them on Divorce newsletter or the dating again newsletter, so I put them on both and if you get both...well, maybe you can read it twice....
_____________________________________

Over the years I have noticed that the majority of newly singled are "very needy, do it for me"...mode, (many experienced singles avoid them like the plague..) convince me I am wonderful, they sort of seem to somehow assume the position that they are a guest in the world...they are not into..."giving" or doing it for others, they seem to be mostly just into taking...not yet moving over to becoming a warm giving person....

One of the most powerful things we did in the divorce classes was something called a "Warm Fuzzy Story" read about it here...http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzy.htm

Someone read the story aloud for the class, we noticed that when we then did an exercise to show how to give out warm fuzzies freely, many had a great deal of difficulty doing what was a simple fun thing.... The hitch? ....it required "giving".

If we can switch you over into a fun person giving out warm fuzzies everywhere you go... and do it as a matter of habit....you will become a warm ray of sunshine and you will light up people and be warmly welcomed nearly everywhere...... (To make it an automatic habit...you have to practice this for 21 days...)

How to become a warm friendly "fuzzy" distributor....go here. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzies.htm

Sorry that we can not do exercises online to show how good a feeling, receiving fuzzies is, how giving out even a few fuzzies can change lives and most of all revolutionize your life.

After you practice doing this long enough (21 days) it becomes a "habit", requires little or no effort on your part, and like riding a bicycle after you get on to it...is automatic and becomes great fun.

This sounds like a "fuzzy" kid story....but believe me, if you take this seriously and you become a Natural habitual warm friendly fuzzy distributor, your life will never be the same.

Warning....this is likely so out of character for you as a newly singled person, that you will have to make great efforts to remember to and actually DO THIS EVERY DAY everywhere you go for 21 days...

Print these two site pages out, have a friend read these two site addresses (pages) listed above and then go out together to "practice" giving out warm and friendly fuzzies to everyone. It matters not where you go....you should have a great time....

<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>

Did you know that ......we who put these pages together for you,.......(like most people)..... are "starved" for fuzzies.

We are so short we are coming close to shriveling up and dying....(stopping the work and expense of operating these web sites)

We work long hours, often til way after midnight to write newsletters, articles, and to edit and modify "scan read" format pages is very intensive and time consuming and we do that extra work, just to make it easier for you to absorb. We hardly even know if anybody really is using it or getting any good out of it (or even reading it)

We ask everyone at the end of the courses and after the last day, that takes the free courses for example, to send us their comments good or
bad....and.....

Since we do not ask for any money and make no charge for anything we try to do for you, it is in fact the only "return favor" we ever ask of you.

Never the less.........

Do you know that of every 250 people who take the free email courses, only ONE actually sits down and takes the time to send us comments (a fuzzy).

Comments can be good or bad...we don't care, they are still a fuzzy...we are really starved for any kind of fuzzies.

When we get one, rest assured we pass it around to everyone here who work on these web sites and newsletters as our highlight of the day..

PRACTICE SENDING WARM FUZZIES EVERYWHERE YOU GO..... right now you have "gone on the internet".

Our address for receiving warm fuzzies and even cold pricklies is: harlanjacobsen@webtv.net

Note: Enter word "Divorce" in your subject line to get past spam filters.

Snail Mail Address:
Harlan Jacobsen
2019 South Minnesota
Sioux Falls, SD, 57105
Telephone 605 335-4125
Cell phone, best bet, 605 376-4125

All fuzzies are passed on by Harlan, no matter what form they take, to Janet, Jeff, Michele, Missy and Wilda.

Note: We get over 250 spam a day because we list our email address right out in plain sight at all of our sites to make it "easy" for you to write us. If your email bounces, please try again.
<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>              
Jeff has added a search engine at the bottom right column of http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and you can enter any keywords and search the entire site for everything we have on the subject.   The search engine is updated monthly so for the latest, just look in the just added column..    

If you would like to search all of our sites... go to our Dating again site... http://datingagain101.com upper left list of search for all of our singles sites by Google.

This search covers about 80% of our content since Google does not list all of it.
            <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Last issue we promised to include information on the "sandwich" a great method for limitations with your kids, breaking up with your new relationship etc. We just ran out of room here and will include it next issue.

copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #23, 5/12/03

Whether you have kids or the person you eventually date has kids, one way or the other there are likely kids involved in the divorce and "moving on" to a new life process.

This newsletter will take up the "divorce recovery" process for kids.
Many in the divorce process are greatly concerned about what is my divorce doing to my kids?

We have written some articles on this subject in the past and are now posting some of them. so start here:
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/kids_part1.html
There are three parts.

We are covering here some of what is in the articles and some will be repeated.

Our best line is "kids can bounce", parents go splat.

If you handle your divorced life right the kids will usually do just fine, but if you are a mess, the kids are usually a mirror of the parental emotional mixed up mess.

So work on you......we try to help with that in other newsletters, knowing that as you go, so go the kids....   We will remind you of this over and over again.

This newsletter we will just draw out and call to your attention three points you will find in the articles.

1. YOUR KIDS WILL OFTEN BE STARVED FOR ATTENTION.

They will often have lost much of the attention of the non-custodial parent and the custodial parent is usually SO WRAPPED UP IN THEIR OWN EMOTIONAL ADJUSTMENT, giving attention to the kids is just not gotten to. Often the kids were starved for attention even before the divorce.

A. They are starved for attention even more and they subconsciously notice that the only time they get attention from you, since the divorce, is when they act up or are in bad behavior.

Example: They notice that when one of them gets bad grades, they get lots of attention. (might be bad but it is still attention) The sibling that gets great grades, gets no attention at all.

B. Result of you being too tied up and pay no attention when they are doing good behavior, and you ONLY acknowledge their existance and raise hell for bad behavior, winds up,...... YOU ARE MOTIVATING THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR.

SOLUTION: Kid time...... Set aside 30 minutes a day for "KID TIME". When they try to get your attention and you brush them off, say, just bring that up at "kid time" and we will talk about it.

Set aside 30 minutes at a specified time daily and without fail, sit down with the kids and have each bring up what happened today, and what they were concerned or thinking about.

Your part is to tell each one during "kid time" what they had done right or great, or better, for the day. Bad behavior discussion is not the subject here. (except what they bring up).

Bad behavior discussion is with the individual at another time.

This "kid time" 100% attention for 30 minutes daily will do much for your kids thriving after divorce. They know and this is the evidence that they are actually "valued enough" to be worth 100% of your attention.

Doing this daily, they will require less then 30 minutes, they will want to be off doing something else.

Do it daily never the less, shortening the time to just what is needed.

2. DATING AGAIN AND THE KIDS' REACTION

This is covered in part 3 in the kids articles above but here is a brief summary of the part on how you prepare them for your going out.

Some think they are going to have to share you or lose you or part of you as they have lost the other parent as a result of your starting to go out.

Here is how you prepare them for that.

They are now familiar with kid time...time set aside just for them.

Here we are talking about "adult time".

Ask if they had to only be around all day and night with adults and NEVER ever get to play or talk with other kids.......pretty soon you would get crabby...

In this case, you explain you have to be around nothing but KIDS all the time so you get crabby.

So starting this week, every friday night is "adult time" and you get to go out and be with other adults....   I will not keep you from playing with other kids one day or more a week and you are to understand this is my night "to play" and be with other adults. Okay?

Expand this later as you and they get the idea it is okay for you to get away from kids....now and then.

3. TO SUCCEED AT SINGLE PARENTING: SET RULES. Set rules and put them in writing.....Discuss them at kid time, who is minding the rules and who is not.

With two parents there is more observation of who is getting out of bounds etc. With one parent barely able to keep themselves on the straight and narrow the children sometimes decide there are no boundaries or rules any more.

Without rules it is like crossing a scary high bridge with no guard rails. You may never run into the guard rails but it is not near as scary as it is without guard rails. Provide the rules.

Rules and designated boundaries become much more important with just one parent.

We will be posting many more articles on "single parenting" and dating...

Here, is an article on dating and baby sitting... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/babysitting.html

Here is a new article on concentrating on what you Control and wasting
time on Concerns. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/concerns.html

Here is one of our single switchboards http://www.singlestalkshop.com/switchboard.html
Go there and click on "Single Parenting" for our click on listings of out side links on single
parenting.

Here is another article on single parenting on "what now" on your single parenting we have posted.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/kids.html
................................................................... .......


Overheard,
"When I have to have contact with my ex, it is a real drain,"

Second party, "When I have to have contact with my ex, it is not a drain...........
...........It is a sewer."

Next issue....how to handle "limitations" with the kids... How to break up with a romantic partner and how to deal with your boss...     It is all done with the Sandwich....ALL IN THE NEXT ISSUE
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + +
First time readers that would like to subscribe to this or other newsletters or courses, look them all over and subscribe to several totally free here   click on this....
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorcenewsletter.html

copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

 Divorce Recovery Newsletter #22, 5/1/03

If a concerned friend who knows you are in the divorce process forwarded this newsletter and you would like to ADD yourself to this no-cost twice a month newsletter, just send a blank e-mail to: divorce_recov-@topica.com

If you have received this mailing in error, or have worked through your divorce in top shape and do not wish to receive any further mailings from us, simply go to the end of this email where you can be automatically excluded from any future mailings.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This newsletter is sent to those going through the divorce process to remind you that it is indeed a "process" that can take a long time to work through because it is one of the most difficult and trying things you will ever go through in your life time.

It can take a smaller chunk out of your life if you understand the process and are fully informed of what timely decisions you need to make to move along the way.

We attempt here to bring to your attention what has seemed to work in understanding the process for others that have gone through a painful divorce and moved on in a relatively short time.

If we could draw a graph going up hill it would represent what lies ahead for the newly divorced.

It seems at the time every thing seems to pile on during this uphill climb and it seems at the time you will never make it to the top, carrying all of this all by yourself. It seems to take forever to ever get above this.

Eventually you do get to the point where you give up on processing and hassling what was or what "should have been".

You finally realize that the "formerly married" part of your life is over and you are now solely responsible for getting on with building a new life in a strange new land..

Arriving at that point at long last, we know it was difficult getting there, and remind you this point for you is the top of the hill end of a climb and it now levels out. Life starts to make sense again and it gets easier and easier as you proceed down the other side of the graph back to an enthusiastic new life..

On the uphill side, losses of what was dominated your life and it seemed like your life was torn apart and you worried you would never be able to have a good life again.

Now, after getting past that, new people, new adventures and new knowledge and experiences make life exciting.

We spend a lot of time and effort here and on our sites and newspaper to attempt to help expedite your getting to the "better place", but remind you here there are many traps and detours in getting on with a new life.

Decisions you make now will have a major affect on what happens in "Act two" of your life play.

Will this be a happy successful "act two" of your "great life" story?

It will be, only if you "decide" that it will be and you make that a goal. (read up on the importance and methods of accomplishing "goals" go here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/goals.html)

Once that goal is established, then everything you do in your new life becomes relatively easy to decide.

Does this help me arrive at my new life goal?

If it does, I do it,..... if it does not fit..... I will not do it.

Without knowing where you are going and working toward somewhere, you are drifting like a ship without a destination.

You operate with a great deal of anxiety because you do not have any clear direction of determining and deciding what is the right thing to do and you do not know where you may wind up.

Many make the mistake of making "getting married again" as their new goal.

They erroneously conclude the solution to get our of their current unhappiness is to "get married again."

They accomplish their goal, but wind up unhappy in their new married life and can not understand why that is...

Their goal never was to take charge of and personal responsibility to have a new happy successful life, it was only to "get married again" and....it was relatively easy to accomplish that...

If your goal is to learn and lead a happy successful life that you take full responsibility for and you control, you get married again....ONLY if that getting married, adds to accomplishing that goal.

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

We want to all be able to laugh at divorce (it helps) so we throw in some of the divorce jokes we have come across..over the years...

Unfortunately, they come in only two flavors..... Divorce jokes that men think are hilarious, and the women think that is a horrible joke.

Or the women have a big chuckle at the other way around jokes.

Last issue we had a divorce joke that the women thought was funny.... So just to be fair, here is one the women dislike and the men pass on to their divorced buddies..

Why are hurricanes named after women and why is a hurricane like your ex?

Answer: Well, when they both come on the scene they are really wet and wild........and..... When they leave, .........they take your house..... and car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you have not filed or finished the legal process of divorce, we want to call to your attention a helpful article we just put up on the divorce site at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/legal_costs.html
Written by a Ca. attorney, John E. Harding; he gives you ten great tips on saving money in the divorce legal process.

For most divorces, the attorneys work out the "settlement" between them and the judge mostly just makes the settlement official.

As Harding points out here, when the matter has to be entirely settled by the judge, when there is no agreement, then it becomes "very expensive" in attorney fees.

Often spending as Harding says, a combined thousand dollars in attorney fees over a hundred dollar item.

If you can settle things (split it up) amongst yourselves, you can do it even without an attorney.   A paralegal can draw up the papers but he can not give you advice or represent you. Usually a few hundred dollars.

If you can not split assets up agreeably you can save a tremendous amount by having it split by a mediator. (usually a retired judge etc.) and you both agree whatever he says, goes. The fee is nothing, compared to paying two attorneys to fight over it. (typically attorneys are $5 to $10 thousand or more (sky is the limit) for each side.)

The hitch is, divorces are often bitter and one or the other refuses to "trust" their spouse (stbx) or wants to retaliate and marches over to the highest priced attorneys in town.

Then the other spouse has no choice and has to go the same route in self defense.

This unfortunately adds tremendous emotional trauma and turmoil (and considerable time) to what is already a very "trying experience" and often leaves both financially devastated as well.
***************************************************

When you are nearly ready to start to think about getting out and developing new friends and dating relationships, you should subscribe to our Dating Again newsletter and start to get informed and prepared.

This issue (out in a few days) we will be telling you how to find our new "Sex Again" website.......and you might want to sneak a peak there even if not ready for that....(purely educational you know.) To subscribe to our dating again newsletter send a blank e-mail here: dating_agai-@topica.com


copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #21, 4/13/03

This newsletter is e-mailed free of charge to anyone interested in working thru their divorce in a short time and moving on to a new, bigger and better life.  If you have a friend or know of someone involved in the divorce process, please forward a copy to them of your newsletter and suggest they may find helpful information by subscribing for their own copy.

For them to subscribe see bottom of newsletter.
............................................................................

LETTING GO AND MOVING ON
One of the biggest hurdles in recovering from a divorce is getting hung up in the letting go, admitting it is over, dealing with reality, and moving on process.  When you tell someone this, they say that is easy for you to say, this is something I am not ready to do. 

For twenty five years, I have been looking for a way to expedite helping the newly divorced, getting through the grieving and denial process of the divorce adjustment period. 

We found many ways to help you move on rather quickly, once you are out of this stage, but we have had a problem of too many getting "hung up" in this not letting go of "what was," what was supposed to be,  getting past the grief over not only the death of the long term relationship, but death of the idea and concept of the institution of marriage itself.

The following is the best idea and concept I have ever found to do exactly that, and do it for not only one , but both parties, and even help for the children to work through it faster, who are  going through a mini "divorce hell" of their own.

HAVE A FUNERAL FOR THE DEATH OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

Yes, you heard that right.  Your marriage died, the long term relationship died.  What should you do?  Within five days you have a funeral for it and you "bury it."

Funerals are basically not for the dead, they are conducted for the living to recognize and have an end for what was likely a long term important relationship for you.  It allows you to publicly say "goodbye" along with your mutual friends and support people.

The loss was heartbreaking, but after the funeral which brings finality, you let go of what your relationship was, and you move on.

In contrast, the death of relationship in divorce goes on and on in a crazy making manner and there never is a finality or end to it.

So here is how it has been done successfully by several:

The divorcing couple agree on and set a date for the "funeral for their relationship" which has died.

Usually, it is scheduled in a church or some place similar to where their marriage was held.

A public announcement is made that the funeral for the death of their marriage, will be open to all, and notices of the death of the marriage, and the funeral for the marriage are sent to all friends and relatives.

Just like a regular funeral, you do not get into "why" the person died, you do not get into "why" the marriage died. 

A small ceremony is written, (I am sure we can find the ceremony somewhere others have used) and from there on it is conducted basically just like a regular funeral. 

Friends can volunteer to get up and say a few words in remembrance of what was good or great about the marriage, and the good parts of the marriage are remembered and honored. From there on it is "sing all together" or have their favorite romantic song done by a good singer, then maybe all together, a song or two, and do everything your area or religion does for a regular funeral. 

The result turns out to be a great help in everyone being able to let go and bury the marriage.

They, the relatives, the children and everyone get support in public from their friends and relations on both sides and all say goodbye to the marriage, en masse, so to speak and recognize, the marriage is truly gone.

Then they will recognize that the "survivors"  need help and support getting through their loss just like they do on the death of a loved one.

To pull this off, you need a cooperative former or STBX (soon to be ex spouse).

When they got married, sharing the event with friends and relatives, made it a big "memorable thing", 

There is no reason why you should have to "bury a marriage" by yourself.

If you do not have a funeral and bury it, it just lays there and rots, causing all sorts of pain, reminders and continuing problems for everyone involved.

This funeral for the death of your marriage can give you the public support and finality that will allow you both (and the children) to deal with reality, bury the marriage, and move on with life.

If you do not or can not have a "funeral" for your marriage, at least recognize that it is indeed dead, and needs to be buried and put to rest.
..............................................
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
**********************************************
New article on "who has the worst divorce" contest,....maybe you qualify.... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/worst_divorce.html

|||||||||||||||||||||||||

If you have a friend that could be helped by this newsletter, have them send a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

Also they can take our free 5 day email course on divorce recovery by
sending a blank email to divorcesecretscourse@getresponse.com
* * * * * * * *
Some folks have recently written a book on the subject.  I have not read it yet, but if you want more information on the new Divorce Ceremony, book, go here

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #20, 4/1/03

We have people reading these newsletters in all different stages of divorce, including the "grief" stage from death of a relationship.
Many do not realize it but they are also "mourning" the death of a dream. They were "in love" with the idea and concept of marriage with the white picket fence, and now, it was all suddenly taken away.

Then we write a newsletter on dealing with reality, telling you it is over, get through it and move on, when many are not ready for that necessarily. Actually, I guess you can wallow in it forever if you like and I suppose some do.

We try here to explain to you that it is a waste of using up part of what should and can be a good life, to get hung up in the miseries.

We just want you to realize, you are your own self jailer, you have the key here and you can let yourself out, any time you decide to.......

We also remind you, that you could in the past "blame" your ex for your life not working. Maybe even your "parents". Since neither one now control you (unless you allow them to), we suggest you recognize and accept that you now have full responsibility for your life, (often for the first time; scary). Six months from now, when your life really starts working, (better than ever before) you will feel great satisfaction knowing you did it all on your own.

So why wait, ??? read up, study- how to get from point A, "bad time" in your life, to point B, "best time of your life". Learn from others, how did they do it, to work through it in a short time.

A few tell me that I am very callous, I should not be pushing them and bringin this up to those still in the "crying" stage. I should, they say, be consoling them, telling them life will get better etc etc...
My response is, I am showing them that there really is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and that there is a road map to "move on" waiting for you when you are ready to go there and pick it up.

When you are in the divorce process, you are often depressed because you erroneously believe that it is an on-going very difficult time in life that will continue like this forever.

Just finding that there are others who have gotten through it in a short time and have left a route map, this does a lot to make it bearable.

Here is an email I recently received that I want to share with you, that I think really gives you a brief summary of "moving on" in general, not just referring to the course..

Harlan, I found the 5 day course to be very inspirational. The conversational tone and the repetition really drove home the point of each lesson. I found them to be useful enough that I saved them for re-reading, rather than simply deleting them.

Additionally, what you said echoes and buttresses the reading I have been doing myself as well as what I have been talking about with my counselor. I was going to say that #4 and #5 in particular spoke to me, but upon re-reading them - they all had something to say.

[EDITOR: NOTE THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS.....THEY ARE IMPORTANT]

In my case, I changed my career, stopped drinking, stopped smoking,began exercising, dumped my "bad" friends, and embraced the positive. I'm still going through a huge custody battle.

I'm happy with who I am and where I'm going, and I haven't been there in years.

Again, thanks for your course. I'll be sure to recommend it to anyone I know who goes through a divorce.

Sincerely,
Jay

The two noted paragraphs, is the reason why I ran his letter here........I was happy to hear that Jay has used a very difficult time, to make MAJOR life changes he likely never would have made if it had not been for going thru the painful divorce. We tell you the more painful your divorce, the more likely you are (like Jay) to make major life changes to move on to a new and even better life.

It sounds odd, I know, but you really can, as a result of the divorce being the "worse time" of your life, use it to motivate major life changes to "move on" to the "best time of your life".

Since Jay has written us a pretty good review on the 5 day "moving on" course, and if you are not familiar with it, it is free.....give it a shot...

To enroll in the email course, send a blank email to divorcesec-@getresponse.com

...........................................................................

Marriage and divorce humor.....He says, Belinda, "I was really a fool, when I married you", She says, I know dear, but you have to understand that I was "in love" and I just didn't notice.

...........................................................................

copyright 2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #19, 3/17/03

This issue we open with the serenity prayer that fits the divorce process, and close with another that does as well.

God give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

This newsletter is e-mailed to those who subscribe, to help with the "moving on from divorce" process.   

Your life and how you react to life now is based upon decisions you have made that essentially become your programming. If you make some wrong decisions or delay making correct decisions it affects your overall life.

If you decide that 2 and 2 is seven, then you operate your life on that basis and your check book is a disaster as well as other parts of your
life.   

This erroneous decision needs to be corrected even though it means admitting to yourself that somewhere along the line you made the wrong decision.

Here are some decisions you need to make or correct for your life to move on to bigger and better.   

1. The decision you may have made that perhaps your ex had to sell you on to make it okay for them to leave, is for you to have concluded (decided) that you are a defective undesirable person and as a mate. You need to realize how that decision came about and realize it is not true.
Only one out of millions has rejected you.
Re-decide that you are an okay desirable person.

2. You have not let go of your relationship and not dealt with the reality that it is "over". Decide that it is over and there is no possibility you are ever going to be in that relationship again. When you hear your self no longer speaking of them as your husband or "my wife" and instead refer to them as my EX, (or stbx) then you know you have decided it is over and are moving on.

3. Decide that you are now in charge of you. That your ex, your parents, or anyone else are no longer controlling you...now you are in control of you and in control of your happiness. Realize, this has changed and if your life is not working, you can no longer blame anyone else. Once you decide you are totally responsible for your new life, you get busy and take charge.

There are many more decisions you will make along the way, that correct old programming that needs to be corrected and updated to "what works".


Reading our talkshop chat board, (http://singlestalkshop.com) I noticed this statement by a lady who was telling someone in the quagmire of the divorce process how she handled it..... Here is what she said.......

"What helped me is that I finally came to realize that it is now all about me. I'm in charge of me, and I need to make me happy. I can no longer spend time thinking about us and how it was, wasn't, could have been, etc. When the pain of the whole split comes into my head, I try to redirect. I find it hard but it works better than the pain."

The key sentence is one that includes "I finally came to realize that it is now all about me" I'm in charge of me".

She also realizes that she gets the pain of divorce by thinking about her divorce, that she can control what she thinks about, she can control or eliminate the pain. In other words stop processing what was.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" This prayer fits the divorce situation as well as any....and bears repeating.......

The prayer of Saint Francis

Lord I make us an instrument of thy peace where there is hatred, let us sow love;
where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness; joy.

Oh divine master, grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving, that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

******************

A lady has 8 children and is getting divorced on the grounds of desertion..... The judge says when did he desert you?   She says, 8 years ago.   The judge says, good lord then how do you explain the eight children?.... she says he kept coming back to say "he was sorry...."

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #17, 2/18/03

This "divorce recovery" newsletter attempts to have tips and information on helping you get thru divorce in a shorter time, move out of the pain stage and to a new start and get you enroute to a new and better life.

We have been adding articles written over the years to the web at a steady rate and have several hundred to go.

The last 60 days we have written several new articles that you might find helpful to your situation. We have a rather hodge podge list of articles, not in any order, other than alphabetical at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html Please note that we have in the right side bar a list of new articles and we will be adding those we post, which will include articles written in the past, but just added to the site. Those there now I believe have been written in the last 60 days.

The idea here is, you will be able to check in there plus/and on the front page of http://www.divorcerecovery101.com we have also added in the middle column a list of newly added. That way you can come back to the site anytime and see what has been added to the new articles list. That list will have the ten latest, and as we add a new one we drop off the oldest new addition.

Next we will soon have a page of new articles added with a brief summary of subject covered so you can see if anything new that fits your needs and interest. This all takes time and of course we do not predict what we will get done when.

In addition, we are attempting to post our articles on the web in a format we call scan read. We discovered that over 50% of people in the severe pain stage of divorce find it hard to absorb much off the printed page.

To make it easy to absorb the gist of an article in an "easy read", we are attempting to do as many articles as possible in "scan read". It takes an hour or more to change the html code, plus the time to decide what needs to be done in what form to make it more "absorbable."

Here is an example of an article posted on the web in "scan read". http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/commitment.html

Here is an example of the html code we add to a typed sentence just to highlight it on the web in yellow. <LI><SPAN style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffff00"><B>
YOU will succeed only if you commit to success.
</B></SPAN></LI>

This is like learning a new language and this and other additions do take thinking and take time. We have mixed emotions, should we take the time (money) to add this "scan read format" to make articles posted more "absorbable" or do we use that time (money) to post more articles in the
usual format?

Here, is the list of new articles just added and we are taking the time here to do a brief summary.

YOU THE LEAVOR OR THE LEAVEE?
The article reviews the adjustment difference between the leavor and the leavee. Also how to determine which you are. Go here: http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html

DIVORCE, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
This article gets you to think of the process and your future as your part in your next "movie", This helps clarify the process to "make sense" of what you are going through, the decisions you need to make to proceed with life. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/what_next.html

HOW YOUR DIVORCE CAN GET BETTER EVERY DAY
This article is primarily for people new to the site and lays out what you can expect to get here, a banquet of information available free. click here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorced_life.html

WHATS YOUR EXCUSE FOR YOUR LIFE AS A SINGLE "NOT WORKING"?
Whatever your excuse, others have used the same one and overcame. You can too. go here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/excuse.html

WHY FREE DIVORCE HELP MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU?
This points out that paying big bucks for therapy requires a personal commitment to get past what you are in now. When you get help for free, you make no such commitment and what you need to do here to make "free help" work. click here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_help.html

ARE YOU READY TO START DATING AGAIN
This article will give you some clues to help you decide if you are really ready for the "fast track" of dating again. Go here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/start_dating.html

FIND SOMEONE NEW?
This is about why some dash out on an urgent search for a replacement relationship. click here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/right.html

Next issue we will go back to our usual format.
................................................................
BLUNDERS TO AVOID IN THE DIVORCE PROCESS.
This article is in progress and you can see what is done so far, go here. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/goof_up.html ..now we are finishing it with a collection of "blunders" to avoid that other people have made....in going through the process.
The first blunder is mixing the legal divorce and the emotional. During the live classes I got lots of feedback on what others had goofed up wrong and that they advised others not to do. With online people now we need to know by hearing from you what you have experienced or been told by others to avoid. Want to share any big mistakes you have made in going through the process.... ? Just email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

This email process is like you'" DESIGNTIMESP=32899>email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

This email process is like you'" designtimesp=12263>
email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

This email process is like you'" DESIGNTIMESP=27419>email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

This email process is like you'" DESIGNTIMESP=7153>email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

This email process is like you'" DESIGNTIMESP=17033>email me.    Appreciate any feedback from you.
* * * * * * * * * *

It occurs to me that we are one of the few Internet Publishers that run our address, phone number, Fax number and our Email address on over 300 web sites, and I get 100 to 150 emails a day, most of course are spam, with that much online exposure.

Occasionally, in the spam delete process, a legitimate email from our readers (which we like to get) gets deleted.

We suggest you put the word "Divorce" in the subject line. If you email us and have not gotten a reply in 24 hours, please send it again with the word "divorce" in the subject line.

* * * * * * * * * *

How many people to you know going through divorce? Why not forward this newsletter to them.

First time readers that would like to subscribe to this or other newsletters or courses, look them all over and subscribe to several totally free here   click on this....
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorcenewsletter.html
* * * *
Humor at http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #16, 2/4/03

Thing B


When you are an alcoholic and you are forced to suddenly totally stop drinking you go through severe withdrawal pain. (other drugs same deal).

When you go off of a long term relationship and in addition can no longer do what you have been doing for years, you go through a very similar severe withdrawal pain.

Again, in thing B, we are going to attempt to illustrate what is happening in your big mental computer in a way you can hopefully easily understand and then we will show you the solution that works.

Again, like in Thing A, hopefully you will better understand how you get thru this in a short time with the least pain.

You have heard of a Fight or Flight response. You are descended from a long line of cave men that had this well developed and only those that had it lived to have offspring.

We will make this simple and call it your SURVIVAL ALARM, when your very survival is threatened or thought to be threatened by your mental computer, this mental "survival alarm" is set off.

Several systems in your big computer will set off your Survival Alarm. (full body alert to get ready to fight or flight to run away from this danger)

One that sets it off is your AUTOMATIC, habit, long term, addiction to what has worked and you have been doing for a long period, some pleasure involved and your big computer believes if you stop (relationship etc.) your very survival is at stake.

Like the alcoholic who has stopped what he has been doing (addicted to) your SURVIVAL ALARM (and alcoholics) is turned on, your programming system believes (divorce) your survival is a stake.

To get you ready to fight for survival or to run (the alarm system turn on is called STRESS) here is what your alarm system does.  It shuts down all unnecessary right now bodily functions that require energy (juice we will call it):

1. Stops or slows digestion to a crawl and knots up your stomach.  (saves juice for fight)
    (a) due to the pain in your gut you will send down large amounts of food to quell it you will likely gain 20 pounds.
    (b) or due to the pain you may choose to stop eating hoping to alleviate the pain, you will likely lose 10 pounds.

     2. Slows blood supply to "thinking" part of brain (saving juice for fight or flight).
    (a) Result, you have twice as many accidents as usual, you fail to do your job right and may get fired etc.
    (b) you do a lot of dumb things.

      3. Shuts down your immune system. Can get along without this for a while and save "juice" for running etc.
      (a) You come down with illnesses much more often.
      (b) serious medical problems your immune system would have staved off normally show up six months later. Read, How Divorce can kill you, at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/hazardous.html

      4. The survival alarm speeds up your heart rate, ups your blood pressure and changes many other bodily functions. This is now days referred to as "STRESS". Alarm system turn ons (stressful)

1. Have to stop doing what you had been doing for a long time.
2. Loss of something that threatens survival such as loss of addictive relationship.
3. Doing something you have never done before and have no similar life experience on file (example, going out as a mature single).
4. New people and strangers in general
5. Unfamiliar, new, no experience
6. Forced to Stop doing something that was pleasurable long term.  All of the above survival alarm system turn ons happen when you become divorced. What the alarm system does to your body is what you feel as pain.

This is a newsletter not a book, so we'll tell you here only the main Alarm shut down (cure) you can do by following simple instructions.

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT (all but absolutely necessary such as kids etc.) WITH YOUR EX FOR 21 DAYS, the alcoholic has to not take one drink in the 21 days or the alarm the body is put through this ready to run torture (pain) for another 21 days.

After 21 days of no do, the mind removes it from the must do and the alarm system lowers the alarm ready to run status by 80%.

Every time you have contact with the ex after 21 days will reinstate some stress but the major panic alarm is over if you keep it to only absolutely essential.

YOU MUST DECIDE IT IS ABSOLUTELY OVER, no thinking about the old relationship, nothing, no curiosity what they are doing or anything.  They are out of your life and that's that.

Keep mucking around in "what was" and you are never going to get out of this and move on to a new and better life. The alcoholic who takes a drink again, is back in the soup (pain etc).

Give up what was. Your big computer will pull the alarm system completely only after a time of you proving that part of your life (what was) is over.

The only thing you are processing thinking about now is your future. Make no small plans.
..................................................................

Recently, on http://singlestalkshop.com a lady who had been divorced for two years, said she and her ex both had new significant others, dating relationships for a long time. She asked people who chat on the site whether they thought she should go in for counseling with her ex who was trying supposedly to find out what had gone wrong with their relationship.

Four people filed comments that "Yes, by all means" they advised she should go in for the counseling with her ex even though they knew she was in a new relationship and he was too, that advise was very bad in my opinion.

Only One filed comment that "how was she ever going to move on with her new life" if she kept going back reopening an "old can of worms", and asked if she was just a "slow learner".

I just could not believe that the others believed she should go back and muck around some more in what was over and done with. This is the very thing I am telling you needs to be avoided like the plague, how can your mental processor handle this, like the alcoholic you are just going back into opening yourself up again to BIG problems.


TTell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site Moving Out Of Pain
* * *

NEW: ...Webmaster Michele has just added to our Site Map (content list) at top left side bar that lists all the new articles recently added to http://www.divorcerecovery101.com   Going there will show you NEW divorce articles recently added.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Want more information on any subject? Sign up for Googalert http://www.googlealert.com/index.html and Google will send you an email when any new web sites come online on that subject, name or words...(a pain to sign up but great service)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,        
    
To save you a lot of time, on regular searches, you can put Googles regular search in your tool bar, making it far easier to go to Google regular search and not having to go back to google front page for another search. To do that go here... http://toolbar.google.com/

Top of Page

 Divorce Recovery Newsletter 1/24/03 Issue #15

TWO THINGS NECESSARY TO DO BEFORE YOU CAN MOVE OUT OF "WHAT WAS" AND MOVE INTO A BRIGHT NEW LIFE.

Thing A. Processing your divorce trauma to "make sense out of it" and get it filed away to where it "no longer" screws up your life.

Here in this article I am going to take the liberty to try to draw a mental picture to help you understand this "necessary process".

You can work through this in as little as 30 days and get on with your new life, you can take the "usual" two years to get a normal life back or you can stay screwed up for the rest of your life by this one divorce.

First consider:

"Why getting free divorce help may not work," Go here...
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_help.html

Let us say that you have 100 (arbitrary figure we picked out of nowhere) mental emotional issues from your divorce trauma that need to be resolved before you are going to be able to be back up to your old capabilities and normal life.

Let us visualize a four drawer file cabinet, bottom drawer all the way out, 3rd drawer out 3/4 of the way, 2nd drawer half way out and top drawer 1/4 way out.

Someone drops and throws your 100 divorce trauma file folders, (big ones) right on top of these extended drawers so part covers all four drawers in great disarray.

Since your life is normally processed and operated comparing today's happenings with what is in these 4 file drawers of your previous "life experiences," now they are all but covered up by a mess of "unfiled" traumatic mish mash, and you will not be able to fully function as you have in the past.

Until these large divorce trauma files get filed and you regain free access to your normal life files, your life will be a distraught mess.

You can take the normal two years to get it all back in order, you can even be so upset you disregard ever doing anything, and be one mixed up neurotic person for the rest of your life.

Until you do, the experts recommend you make no major decisions such as buying or selling your house, moving to Hong Kong or anything at all that requires good thinking.

BECAUSE UNTIL THIS FILE MESS IS CLEANED UP YOU WILL LIKELY MAKE A LOT OF DUMB DECISIONS AND DO A LOT OF DUMB THINGS.

You are not now really operating from a full deck, so to speak (not up to your usual capabilities).

Now we will tell you how you work through and file away correctly this big traumatic unresolved divorce file mess.

What determines how long before you get a normal life back is based on how long it takes before you have these "divorce trauma files" filed away and regain full access to your "normal life" files again.

Your mental "processor" works on sorting each unresolved file out to determine where and how it is filed only when it hears you "talk about it".

Thinking about it over and over does not get it filed away where it causes no more problem.

Only "talking it out" where your big computer hears you saying (or writing down) how you consider it to make sense. Then it is filed away.

You can ruminate over and over trying to process this thinking about it day after day to try to make sense of it and get it out of the way.

It never gets filed, however, until your big computer hears you "talk it through."

Some extremely traumatic files you will have to talk about 2 or 3 times before your processor makes sense out of it and hands it off to your big computers "file away" system.

So the key here is you do have to "talk it out" to progress with the "clear it out" project.

Two non-talking substitutes may indeed work as well as talking it out, though we have no defining experience here yet so maybe they do indeed work as well or almost as well.

First keeping a written journal of your thoughts and feelings where you see where you are on that right now on the issues in your unresolved files and how it changes from day to day, this is reported to work well.

Participating in divorce chat, email (and yes, even snail mail) with other people in the process, relatives friends etc. on what you are going thru is reported to work as well.

The results we tested and observed were almost entirely on actually talking it out.

Why not use all three and speed the process.

We found it really does not matter much who you talk it out with, providing they know how to listen and do not cut you off from expounding fully.

First choice would be a professional therapist who is well trained not only on how to listen but how to draw you out and get you to talk about what needs "talking out"..

Second choice would be a well-run divorce support group where each person participates fully in talking out their divorce.

Third choice would be regular contact and talk in person, on the phone, instant messaging and email, (or even snail mail) with individuals currently also in some stage of divorce adjustment or have completely worked through it.

Fourth choice would be friends and relatives that know how to listen (hard to find).

We used an arbitrary figure for your situation of 100 unresolved divorce "blobs of data" so let's use an arbitrary large figure of needing to talk each file out 3 times.

(It could be 1 time each or 5 times - this is just an example and varies from individual to individual).

If these were accurate figures, (may be higher or lower) you would need, in this example, to have 300 full fledge talks about your divorce trauma.

Full fledged conversations about your unresolved divorce files will activate your big computer to file them harmlessly away.

You will stop "screwing up your life" by no longer keeping your regular "life experience" files from being accessed normally.

When all this "talking out" is accomplished, then your divorce would have been all filed away and its affect on your life is then history.

Your life will start to work much better when you get even half of the mish mash sorted.

However, be sure you finish the job of clearing out all these divorce trauma files dumped on you before you risk adding new trauma.

How long it takes you to clear these out will determine how long it is before your divorce no longer screws up your everyday mental processes.

Only then can you really get on with your new life.

People that have huge emotional trauma that was never talked out have a quirky life and have oddball self-imposed limitations that make no sense whatsoever to people that know them. The oddball or crazy things they do or won't do in their life are things that their mental processor no longer has normal access to because of a blob of something dumped in the way that has never been talked out and filed away in its proper place.

If they go to a therapist ten years after the traumatic event or happening, what they work on is clearing out this blob of still unresolved emotional trauma (by talking it out) so they eventually regain a full functional life capability.

This is perhaps an over simplification but it seems to have helped people understand the importance of what this "talking it out" thing is all about.

Once you understand it, then you can decide how to handle it and get accomplished..

We know that you CAN get from the worse time of your life to the best time in six months or less.

What we try to do here is explain to you how those that do it in 6 months did it, what concepts they worked with and what really was effective for them.

You can take as long as you like, it is your life.

Realize, however, that your life is made up of time. You can eat up a good part of your "class A" life time unnecessarily hung up in your divorce process.

Coming up next Issue: Thing B.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Good News: Those of you who have read thru the "Starting Over" series should know that the 38 parts you have read, had #30 listed also as #31. We have now found what we think is all of the series and Jeff has renumbered all and posted them on the web. It now goes to 43 so there are several you have never read.

Go to
http://www.azsinglescene.com/archives/soa/soa.htm
Those of you who have not gone thru this series, we recommend you read "one part a day...." This will be moved to divorcerecovery101.com soon.

Like "one a day vitamins," those who finish it, we suggest you spend another 43 days re-reading the series, because the second time through you will be in an entirely different stage in adjustment and will pick up on a great deal that went right by you the first time through.

I also wrote another series (newer) that was 50 parts, and when we find it all we will post that series on the web. Some repetition but lots of new not in the Starting Over series.
* * * * *
YES, I do answer all emails, and I do like to hear from you, problems, questions, comments etc. however. if you have written and you did not get an answer, (I want to answer your email) please email again and put word "Divorce" in the subject line. Spam filters have been deleting some legit emails (we get over 120 spam a day due to our large exposure of address on the net, that is why we use a filter). But we do want to hear from you and will respond promptly. Thanks!
harlanjacobsen@webtv.net
* * * * *

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 1/14/03,
Issue: #14

We have observed many newly divorced who have dived right back into dating, often to fill in the void and stave off the pain of "sobering up" from the last long term relationship (marriage).

Relationship addicts (we all are) go through a lot of pain in withdrawal from the substance (person) and often find the pain so great, they try any excuse to get back on the drug (relationship) again, or if that is not available they desperately seek an alternative drug, (relationship).

Just as an alcoholic finds it hard to go by a liquor store, relationship addicts find it hard to pass up the option of switching to a new booze and that way never have to sober up.   

If your ex left for a new sweety, then they did not have to sober up, they are doing well on a new booze source and here you are in the throws of severe withdrawal pain.

It just does not seem fair but that is the way it works.

A drug addict or alcoholic has a 21 day period that is real difficult, but once past that it gets easier.

If you go back on the booze for even a little bit you have to start the 21 days over.

That is why we say, cut off all unnecessary contact with your former spouse. You will have to keep starting your 21 days over if you do not and you will never get through "withdrawal pain".

Seems that quite often I get a posted question or an email that asks "will I ever be able to find a real meaningful relationship again, or have I lost my one chance"?

So I just finished an article on that subject so that hereafter I can refer those inquiries to it...
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/right.html

Others ask, when will I be ready to go out dating and developing new relationships?

We tell them that we throw up a large caution flag until you have worked through the divorce emotional turmoil, and only you can determine when that is.

I wrote an article for the dating again newsletter on what often happens when you venture out ill-equipped and too soon, and you can read that newsletter at http://www.datingagain101.com/dating_archive_newsletter.html Read Issue #10.

Actually you might also find issue #9 interesting and applicable because it lays out some of the different dating modes people are in and you need to be in the same one as the people you are dating.

Also issue #11 lays out some of the steps you should consider in getting into dating again.

Then I decided I should lay out some examples of what you can expect to encounter and then you might be better equipped to reconsider whether you are up to handling some of the emotional adjustment capability required before getting back into "dating again".

So I just finished an article and posted it on the web, To read up on that subject: http://www.datingagain101.com/dating.html

I'm not trying to convince you here that it is more difficult to adopt to dating than it really is, but do want you to know there is more to it then dashing out starry eyed expecting to be swept off your feet by Mr or Ms Right who have just been waiting around for you to get divorced.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Over the years I've been made aware of the fact that many divorced people in the depth of the divorce trauma can absorb very little from the printed page, they just are not able apparently to concentrate on the message.

Also, there are people that learn faster and pick up more hearing it than reading it even when not emotionally strung out.

Therefore, if you are computer oriented and knowledgeable on the subject, tell us what type of audio files should we use that all can access when and if we get the time to add audio files to the site?

Those of you that think that audio files might be a good addition to the site let us know that too. We want to know if many would use it if we went to the trouble and expense of adding voice divorce tips and lectures on demand that you could click on and listen to.

Harlan Jacobsen
................................................................

Today's quotes...

I live life in the fast lane, the problem was I married a speed bump.

I was happily married for 9 months. Unfortunately I was married for 12 years.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 1/5/03  Issue #13

One of our recent newsletters started out on how to handle divorce induced "depression." You can read it in the newsletter archive at...http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_newsletter_archive.html

We failed to mention that one of the most important things to do for yourself to overcome the major downers of divorce is to deliberately set up some major life event to look forward to.

The major downer of the divorce process is your life seeming to be out of control, all you seem to able to think about is, that no matter what you do it is going to come up.....bad.

That all you can now see ahead is a bleak life of pain.

By setting up something to look forward to, you can turn the corner.

For example, let's just say you always wanted to see Hawaii.

Well, you say divorce has put you in such a financial bind you can not afford to go to a movie.

You will often, due to the stress of divorce, wind up with medical and psychiatric bills far exceeding the cost of spending money on yourself that we are suggesting here and somehow you will come up with the money to pay those medical bills (see article on divorce and becoming single can kill you at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/hazardous.html.

Our example here, a trip to look forward to, this going to Hawaii (or something else to look forward to,) can change your gloomy outlook almost overnight.

One of my high school classmates got divorced and her parents wisely funded and sent her off on a fun trip to Europe. By the time she got back the divorce pain was history and of little consequence.

We often say that you have been saving for a rainy day, well this is it... spend a few bucks on yourself NOW. Treat yourself exceptionally well, you are recuperating from a serious operation. You just had over 100 pounds amputated from your "team".

Fix it so you are looking forward to and constantly thinking about this "coming soon, something special".

Next, step, look forward to the challenge of learning to lead an all new life as a happy single person. Remember, you did not volunteer, you were drafted and moved.

Get used to the idea, this is where you are going to be living for some time.

You CAN in a short time learn to live in this "new singles country", learn to speak the language and even learn to comfortably enjoy mixing and making friends with the natives that live here.

Note: the magic word here is "LEARN".

This will not, however, be as easy as spending some money on yourself, but is the next step of not being depressed and down, but becoming enthused about your new life, looking forward with enthusiasm to this new reality.

 

>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

We strongly suggest you look for a divorce recovery group in your area and attend. You need to be able to talk about this process you are going through and the best place to do this is with other singles going thru the same thing.

A large church-sponsored group in Phoenix operating at the same time we had classes in operation reportedly had 12 suicides in one year.

We were told they were teaching that those getting divorced had committed a major sin against God and were dammed for doing so.

We are not suggesting you get into this type of divorce recovery class and note that while most divorce groups are church-sponsored, most add little of the religion angle to the process.

Do not worry about attending "the wrong brand" of church divorce recovery group, since most of these are careful about keeping the divorce recovery process just that and not a religious conversion.

Be brave and at least give them a try. The interaction with other singles in the process is well worth going out of your way for.

We have an article on the process of starting your own group and are glad to advise free of charge anyone on how to run a group with little work, time or effort required on your part (http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/startgroup.html).

Since you do need to talk about what you are gong thru, we have now set up on the web, http://singlestalkshop.com to be able to "talk about it" on line.   Not sure this is as good as talking to people in person, but it is a start.

We are working on other ways to do a specified time weekly moderated "everyone talk" interactive talk online; perhaps, using instant messaging. More on that later. Your suggestions are solicited.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Please forward any of our sites or material, or this newsletter to your divorced or widowed friends that may be able to get some help from it.
Suggest they try subscribing, since it is free and they can quit anytime.

We have no income from this service and consequently no budget to advertise or publicize its existance.

The amount of people we can help is limited only by the number of people who can become made aware of it, since our web costs are the same, regardless of the number of people that use it.   

Since we put a lot of time, effort and money into it, we would like to make it all worthwhile by serving a larger number and helping more people going thru this difficult divorce process.

To make this happen we have to count entirely on you telling others about it and spreading the word.

Thanks for your help,
Harlan Jacobsen

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 12-26-02 
Issue #12,

Have a friend who could use this newsletter? Have them subscribe by sending a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

Who will control your happiness in 2003?

Can your ex make you mad? Can your ex ruin your day? Do you avoid going somewhere because you may run into your ex? If so then they still control you and your life.......

They can only control your life and happiness if you let them.

Make your new years resolution to take all control of your life away from your ex, to where only you control your own life and happiness from here on out.   Your ex is history..... Out of your big picture.

Add another 2003 resolution to make, that you are not shopping for a replacement or someone else to take control of your happiness. (Share it perhaps, but not looking to give it to someone to control your happiness..) Hereafter, If anyone leaves, since you will be solely in charge of it, they will not be able to take it with them.

The basic Divorce Emotional Problem Source

1. You erroneously believed that marriage or the relationship "was forever". You therefore believe you are a failure because you did not "make it last". That you should have tried harder.

REALITY: ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY. TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP LAST, THAT HAS DIED, IS "UNDOABLE"

2. You are angry, crushed, wiped out because your ex spouse left and "did not clear it with you first and did not leave right". They at least could have, blah blah blah......

REALITY: THEY WERE NOT A "LEAVING EXPERT" AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE EXPECTED TO BE GOOD AT IT.

3.   You erroneously believe your overall happiness and well being was tied up in your marriage and your ex took it with them.

REALITY; YOU GAVE THE MARRIAGE CONTROL OF YOUR WELL BEING AND HAPPINESS, AND YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK ANY TIME YOU DECIDE TO DO SO..

4.   Due to being divorced, you erroneously believe that you must be unattractive, undesirable, defective and damaged goods.

REALITY: PEOPLE GROW AT DIFFERENT RATES, GROW A PART IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS AND "GRADUATE" FROM A RELATIONSHIP.. (AVERAGE NOW 7 YEARS) THIS HAS LITTLE OR NOTHING TO DO WITH OVERALL DESIRABILITY OR CAPABILITY OF EITHER THEM OR THEIR PARTNER.

5. You erroneously believe your "good life" is over, and that you will never be happy and able to have a good relationship again.

REALITY: YOU HAVE MERELY 'GRADUATED' FROM YOUR STARTER MARRIAGE, THE CURTAIN CAME DOWN ON ACT-1 OF YOUR LIFE PLAY. YOU ARE NOW WRITING THE SCRIPT AND CASTING FOR ACT 2, (THIS TIME, YOU ARE THE STAR) (NO MORE BIT PARTS) PRACTICING, LOOKING FORWARD TO 'MOVING UP' AND THE CURTAIN GOING UP ON "ACT 2."
.........................................................................

Please send this to a divorcing friend and suggest they subscribe to this newsletter.
Please also tell them about our divorce page.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com which may be of help and http://singlestalkshop.com to chat and talk out the new life. Also http://datingagain101.com and http://singlelifecoach.com. We make no charge or sell nothing, but we do ask and count on you to "spread the word" to tell many others about these resources, this, we ask in exchange for any good you may get from them.

This is from our archives of fun pics, and you may have missed it... http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes4.html

Latest post of Single Sam funnies, http://countrysingles.com/samagain.html
Drawn by commercial artist son Ken Jacobsen years ago. Here is some of his more recent art work. http://www.penart.com

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 12-18-02 
Issue #11,

One of our recent newsletters started out on how to handle divorce induced "depression." You can read it in the newsletter archive at...
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_newsletter_archive.html

We failed to mention that one of the most important things to do for yourself to overcome the major downers of divorce is to deliberately set up some major life event to look forward to.

The major downer of the divorce process is your life seeming to be out of control, all you seem to able to think about is, that no matter what you do it is going to come up.....bad.    

That all you can now see ahead is a bleak life of pain.

By setting up something to look forward to, you can turn the corner.

For example, let's just say you always wanted to see Hawaii.

Well, you say divorce has put you in such a financial bind you can not afford to go to a movie.

You will often, due to the stress of divorce, wind up with medical and psychiatric bills far exceeding the cost of spending money on yourself that we are suggesting here and somehow you will come up with the money to pay those medical bills (see article on divorce and becoming single
can kill you at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/hazardous.html).

Our example here, a trip to look forward to, this going to Hawaii (or something else to look forward to,) can change your gloomy outlook almost overnight.

One of my high school classmates got divorced and her parents wisely funded and sent her off on a fun trip to Europe. By the time she got back the divorce pain was history and of little consequence.

We often say that you have been saving for a rainy day, well this is it... spend a few bucks on yourself NOW. Treat yourself exceptionally well, you are recuperating from a serious operation. You just had over 100 pounds amputated from your "team".

Fix it so you are looking forward to and constantly thinking about this
"coming soon, something special".

Next, step, look forward to the challenge of learning to lead an all new life as a happy single person. Remember, you did not volunteer, you were drafted and moved.

Get used to the idea, this is where you are going to be living for some time.

You CAN in a short time learn to live in this "new singles country", learn to speak the language and even learn to comfortably enjoy mixing and making friends with the natives that live here.

Note: the magic word here is "LEARN".

This will not, however, be as easy as spending some money on yourself, but is the next step of not being depressed and down, but becoming enthused about your new life, looking forward with enthusiasm to this new reality.

 

>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

We strongly suggest you look for a divorce recovery group in your area and attend. You need to be able to talk about this process you are going through and the best place to do this is with other singles going thru the same thing.

A large church-sponsored group in Phoenix operating at the same time we had classes in operation reportedly had 12 suicides in one year.

We were told they were teaching that those getting divorced had committed a major sin against God and were dammed for doing so.

We are not suggesting you get into this type of divorce recovery class and note that while most divorce groups are church-sponsored, most add little of the religion angle to the process.

Do not worry about attending "the wrong brand" of church divorce recovery group, since most of these are careful about keeping the divorce recovery process just that and not a religious conversion.

Be brave and at least give them a try. The interaction with other singles in the process is well worth going out of your way for.

We have an article on the process of starting your own group and are glad to advise free of charge anyone on how to run a group with little work, time or effort required on your part (http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/startgroup.html).

Since you do need to talk about what you are gong thru, we have now set up on the web, http://singlestalkshop.com to be able to "talk about it" on line.   Not sure this is as good as talking to people in person, but it is a start.

We are working on other ways to do a specified time weekly moderated "everyone talk" interactive talk online; perhaps, using instant messaging. More on that later. Your suggestions are solicited.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 12-18-02 
Issue #10,

When you become divorced you not only lose a partner, you also lose your  status as a team, you lose that "team" identity and sometimes your  sense of personnel worth goes right along with it as well.

We had a lady in one of our classes who had been for years Mrs. Doctor Alan Smith.

Now she was just Teresa......
She was now a nobody....

She had been well known and respected as Mrs. Dr. Smith. Loss of that identity was more devastating to her then other any aspect of her divorce. She lost nearly all of her self worth.

She finally decided she was starting over from scratch and it was up to  her, she got right at it and we watched her very successfully build a  whole new life.

She came back to the classes and shared her experience to help others going thru what she had been thru.

She went back to college, got her degree and became quite well known, very successful in her new profession, and most satisfying of all she did it all on her own.

When you build a happy successful new life you too will find great satisfaction of successfully building that whole new life and doing it all on your own.

Getting back to the over-all life success high point of where you were before your divorce all on your own is a great feeling, but the real satisfaction comes from far exceeding "what was" all on your own.

Your new happiness and success will not be owed to or dependant on, or controlled by someone else.

That is what we are working on with you here.

No one will be able to be a threat to ever take it away from you.... They may be able to add to it considerably and supplement or complement  it and even bask in your sunshine, but your new life and happiness is  (you have discovered) and should be here after totally under your  control..

You will discover that you need to assume all responsibility for your happiness and life success, for yourself.

Many mistakenly decide they need to get out and immediately run an extensive search for and interview people to fill the job of rescuing  them and making them happy.   

When and if they do find a good prospect for the job, they promptly learn these new people will soon resign because it is just too big a job for them.

We suggest you avoid this trap. You need many new people in your life,  to fill many needs and you will eventually learn that your happiness and success in life is primarily "your job and responsibility" and can not be dumped off on someone else.

When you are newly divorced you are usually a "very needy" person. So understand that most desirable well adjusted happy single people will avoid you like the plague. Reason; if they say "Hi there" you will latch on to them and will become a "real problem" for them to get free of.

In the early stages of your emotional divorce adjustment, it will
correctly seem that the only "single people" interested in you are real  "losers".

You will likely become, as a result, even more convinced that you indeed, must be the unattractive undesirable person (that your ex said you were) that will never be able to attract a great relationship again.

When you become a happy self-sufficient single person, then this will immediately change and you will be mutually attractive to other well adjusted and self activating single people....... and you will be drawn together like a magnet.

Recently we sent a newsletter offering a free download of a book on divorce called "Split Happens" . It was offered to our readers free by  the author only asking for a review of the book, good or bad. I had not  had the time to download and read it myself but rather then lose the  chance for our readers to read it free I sent you an email on how to read the first chapter and see if you wanted to download it free.

Eventually, while still on the road I got a chance to download and read  it...... It appears to me to be very difficult to sort the good out of  it and follow the message of program changes for anyone. Divorced  people (from my observation) in the early adjustment stage find it very  difficult to absorb much off the printed page. This is why you will find if you go back and re-read some of our articles for example when you are further along in your recovery, you'll get much more out of it  and pick up a lot that went right by you in the earlier reading.

Secondly, I discovered that Gregg's book was not really oriented toward divorced people at all. Those of you that read it please let me know, was it just me, or did you get something helpful out of this free downloadable book called "Split Happens". I thought the name was terrific but the book was a great disappointment.

Harlan
......................>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<.................

Relationship Humor,

He said, Marcia, when you die, I am going to have them put on your tombstone, HERE LIES MARCIA, JUST AS COLD AS EVER,

She said,   Well then, when you die, I am going to have them put on your tombstone, HERE LIES PAUL, STIFF AT LAST.

<<<<<<<<<...............................>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Christmas Humor
Go here   http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 12-04-02 
Issue #9,

We have few articles or help on depression and it comes up from time to  time....   The things and tips, that are a help for conquering depression are a help or necessity to get thru the difficult parts of divorce and are repeated here..

Here once again, are some check lists to get thru depression and the divorce blues.

1. Get active, no sitting around contemplating, use physical activity that includes use of the long leg muscle daily....(walking, jogging, bicycle etc.) There are no depressed joggers.

2. Get out in the sunshine, at least 20 to 30 minutes a day... (light
therapy)

3. Avoid wheat products and AVOID ALCOHOL, It does not drown your problems, it irrigates them. (Both can have a negative affect)

4. Switch from showers to soaking in the tub when you have the blues..

Do these things daily without fail and you will get on top of the
divorce blues...This is a do it yourself project.

Those who go to the Doctor and ask for a magic "chuck it all pill" such as Prozac etc to make the problems and feelings go away, do indeed, get some relief, but we found did not progress thru the process as those who handled the pain without a crutch.   A little pain for a long time or a whole lot of pain for a short while, those are the choices..

Remember, the more pain, you have the more likely you are to reorganize your life for a new and bigger brighter future... Little pain, and you change little...

Now lets talk about change......You dislike anything you are not
familiar with even if it is far better.   Example...when my office got electric typewriters we offered 4 typists the new electric typewriters, They each said, I do not want an electric typewriter, my trusty manual works just great. So I made this offer...type on the new one for one week and if you do not like it I will send it back... In one week, I never heard one word about keeping the manual typewriters.

Your ex was a manual typewriter, even though the new ones are far better you dislike them or the very idea because you were comfortable with what you had and were familiar with.

So doing new things with new different (often far better) people is scary, uncomfortable and you dislike having to do it because it is scary and not familiar.

You however deliberately need to go thru with the new even though knowing it is going to be uncomfortable.   

This is why a woman married to a wife beater goes out and often winds up with another one. She is comfortable with that type of personality, it is familiar. Other types are unfamiliar and she dislikes anything she is not familiar with and does not want to or take time to adjust to new types of (often better) people in her life.
So she decides this must be Mr. Wonderful because he feels so
"comfortable and familiar".

So doing things that are uncomfortable with people of all different types is a pain but is a gain, because this expands your life and your capability of being able to comfortably do some choosing what and who is really best for you.

You will grow more as a person in the first 6 months of your divorce then you did in the last 6 years of your marriage. Growth is painful... Remember, no pain, no gain. Remember also, you are only expanding your life (comfort zone) when you are doing new unfamiliar, uncomfortable things, usually with a wide range of new people.   Each new person in your life expands it so choose single friends who are where you want to go and be.

Welcome to your scary new expanding life as a single person.

We try here to make a difference for people going thru what for most is one of the most difficult times of their lives. When you have gone thru and moved on to bigger and better, you too can help those you know going thru the process.

Go here for a powerful (non religious) story on making a difference.
http://my.homewithgod.com/pkbutterfly/bestteacher.html

* * *

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. -
Albert Einstein

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 10-17-02 
Issue #8, 

Due to the retirement of a long term employee that we have not yet been able to adequately replace, I have found it necessary to fill in on his ob plus handling the start up of two new newspapers.   This has been king up a 110% of my time.

Therefore I have frankly not had the time to do more then handle
personal emailed questions and have just not had the time to keep up on he newsletters I am responsible for writing.

Today, I am taking the time to bring up this special point here because use to a shortage of my time we have not gotten hundreds of articles transferred to the web that could be helpful including several on internal "program changes" to make life work.

Today I just want to take up a program quirk you have not given up on........

Remember GIGO, a computer term that means garbage in equals garbage out. You have a garbage program that you need to replace because it is causing you a lot of unnecessary turmoil in handling your divorce.

You may read some of my other articles on a similar subject, that I call changing or giving up on your erroneous expectations and demands. Simply changing them to 'preferences".

Grasping and adopting this concept can change your life overnight....

Others understand or grasp this easier as a "big obsolete computer program" problem that needs to be deleted.

Example: Mom said over and over.. "do not talk to strangers now"...Aunt Lil said on your way home "do not talk to strangers." You soon made this part of your operating system.. "do not talk to strangers".

When you got to be an adult they did not deprogram you and say you are an adult now and are capable of deciding who is a danger and who is not and now..."strangers are a friend you have not met yet." Result...still up tight talking to strangers, this because your programming still says..."DANGER" "do not talk to strangers".   Change, (delete) correct, and update your programming and then it is "fun turning strangers into friends."

 

From being up tight and stressful meeting strangers, it becomes fun, with this one little program change.

Now....understanding the divorce program error....Your program is "Real relationships are supposed to last forever." You got this from fairy tales...they rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after...

 

From books and movies and the wedding vows that said "til death do us apart etc." Anyway you got that untruth in your head as an overall operating system...

When you marriage ends, or any relationship ends you there fore FEEL CHEATED, ROBBED, MISREPRESENTED, SHORT CHANGED, let down cause the relationship did not last FOREVER LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.

The truth in reality programming is....ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY..... Nope, you did not want to hear that....nope you did not want that as your operating system....
You preferred the fantasy..."happily every after".......I actually had
people in my classes get very angry hearing this. They did not want this fantasy shattered.

All relationships end....(temporary) if you do not end it they
do....(reality)   If neither of you do not end it, one of you dies and it ends...therefore .ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY........

Once you get that reality straight in your big computer you no longer need to be angry at your ex for not living up to your erroneous expectation and demand.

Think back....that big romance, forever and ever in high
school....lasted only a short time... How many others...?   Some of the best of the past you no longer can hardly even remember.

The reality now is marriages last an average of under 8 years.
Second marriages about 7 years.

What makes the ending so devastating for some is the expectation and demand that says it has to last forever like the fairy tale or it is no good.

A good relationship is great, but over time people and their needs both grow and change . Some last a week, some last 30 years.

Relationships expire...they all have an expiration date.....   Making a relationship that has expired "last" is an impossible job.

It is this fact that causes much frustration because you think if you had only "tried harder" it would have lasted.

It is happening faster and faster....for people to grow and
change....jobs, locations, etc. all change much faster then they did in the past.

As a result relationships last a shorter time.
Both individuals in the relationship change now at a faster pace, and rarely grow in the same direction.

Once you get your old programming, expectations and
demands....corrected...to preferences, I prefer they last, but I have no demands or expectations that they have to.
Relationships are great for however long they last.

Then you wont put yourself through all this unnecessary emotional turmoil. A turmoil on the death of a relationship that is mostly internally generated as a result of this reality "programming error".

It was not what happened, the problem is how you process (because of your erroneous programming) the happening.,...that erroneous programming causes...your "garbage result".

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY...
It is an ordinary fact of life...You did not "fail" to make it last...
it just ended....comes with the territory... this one is over.....move on....

Harlan

* * *

Check out Single Scene, our Arizona singles newspaper at
http://www.azsinglescene.com, and our northern states singles paper, Country Singles at http://www.countrysingles.com

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 8-30-02 
Issue #7, 

We have a lot of people contact us, very angry, feeling betrayed in a sense because what they thought (spouse) was their "best friend" winds up running off so to speak with someone else.

They seem to feel they had spent twenty years in a "lie" so to speak because what they thought was their best friend evidently was not, since a "best friend" wouldn't do this to you.

Processing this happening this way is crazy making because it is hard to make any sense of it. So if you are caught up in this "processing loop" look at it from a slightly different point of view.  

Old joke here....All marriages are happy....it is right after the ceremony, the problem starts.

Actually you two people that got married probably had a lot going for a lot of years and likely it was all real and good, and made sense as a traditional romance. At least to meet your normal relationship expectations for whatever number of years.

Relationships used to be functional, you loved the other person because you needed them to survive and as a pair you could survive and thrive.

She needed someone to support her and her inevitable children and he needed someone to cook, wash, mend, and maintain the home for him.  

Now days, relationships are ONLY AFFECTIONAL. When the affection dies now days, there is no longer the traditional FUNCTIONAL glue holding either in the relationship.

After a period of time these two "married people" change, grow as individuals at different rates, and often grow and move in different directions so they really no longer have much going as even friends and/or affectional relationship and eventually..... one decides they are no longer fitting in here or getting any goodies out of this relationship and splits.

The average time for this growth and change to happen now days is about 7 or 8 years.   You have to recognize that you are likely much like the rest of us people who have had a long term relationship expire.   It happens.

Consider that your expectations and demands that "it should have gone on forever" are maybe not really realistic.    That they "lived happily ever after" was just a line from the fairy tales.   So in reality, relationships do expire.

Realizing, perhaps for the first time, that no matter how hard you tried or what you did in this situation, it was going to and did happen.

No point in wasting time (your life) and effort now trying to figure out what went wrong or what you could have done differently.

Unfortunately, It takes you a while to admit to yourself that no matter what you do or did, you can not put this humpty dumpty back together.

Eventually admitting this to your self, the smart thing to do then is to "give up" on that and waste no more of your life on this crazy making processing, and move on down a new road. Just get right on with the next phase of your life.
You and your ex spouse have both graduated from a relationship, (starter marriage) and getting out into the real world now on your own, is just like graduating from school, it is a little scary.

You are not the first, so the trail ahead, by now is pretty well marked out for you....... (we try to sort of layout a map for you to get from point A "miserable" to the best time of your life. B.)

Avoid the temptation to continue to "wallow" in what was or "might have been".                                 
If you can learn here from those who have gone ahead of you in moving rapidly thru this same process, you can avoid the detours that many (trying to reinvent the wheel,) needlessly get hung up on.

From here you should start to see the bright light at the end of the  tunnel.

Harlan

Divorce link for today...If you are still in the procss of negotiating a divorce settlement, here is a site that may help.
http://www.split-up.com/splitgen/sp/gn/divorcenegotiations.htm
 

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 7-31-02 
Issue #6, 

I just finished reading an article on money and divorce. Money is listed as the fifth leading cause of divorce. Something like 5% list it as the major cause of divorce. It is often one of the "last straw" issues and is typically one of the most argued about, and added stress to the marriage.

After divorce money becomes a major issue since often what was stretched to support one household now has to support two households. Often one or both spouses are very angry over having to lower their standard of living. A standard of living that often took years and years to get to, was overnight now set back considerably by actions of the other spouse supposedly, but normally a product of most any divorce.

One of the major high points or accomplishments recovering from divorce, is getting your income up all on your own. Back up to that standard of living (or even better ) then you had before divorce.

So divorce often leads to major life changes where new careers are often developed out of necessity and whole life directions are changed as a result.

After divorce, to accomplish this, you have two choices, the first and fastest to accomplish, is cutting expenses. We have done several articles on how to do this, and our advice is to do it quickly, before you get in real trouble.

The second is to up (increase) your income. This requires more long term thinking and planning. A second job is the quick solution. We have done several articles on this subject as well.

Money is one of the anxiety factors or matters that seems to be up in the air during the divorce process and worst of all seems to be almost totally out of your control.

Life being up in the air and when there seems to be little you can do to get control of what happens in your life, becomes a very emotionally upsetting part of your divorce process.

You hear very little from other folks dealing with divorce adjustment on this "money" subject becoming a big factor in the recovery process.

Therefore we recommend you speed the legal process along as much as you can and get out of this sword hanging over your head situation as soon as possible.

EMOTIONAL ADJUSTMENT
The emotional adjustment process of loss of a long term relationship in divorce is very similar to the process or steps you go thru from loss of a loved one thru death. There are steps in each you go thru and the steps in divorce you will find not everyone goes thru them in the same order. However, they all go thru them.
It matters not how competent a person or job you have, you will be required to go thru these stages to come out the other side back to normal. The judge that rules on your divorce is likely to find himself going thru a divorce and going thru the same things you are going thru so it spares no one.

Just like the alcoholic or drug addict that finds the "quitting" just
too painful, intends well but winds back up on the booze or drugs etc.  as a result of not being able to cope with the pain of stopping.
Relationship addicts, ( you when you get out of the relationship) often find withdrawal pain so severe (marriage was bad but it was not this bad) they go back and try the relationship one more time. Some in my classes went thru this yoyo marriage divorce situation as much as three times before finally sticking out the working thru the pain.

The magic time required for an addict before it gets better is 21 days.
If you cut off your hand accidentally, you will be able to feel your fingers for 21 days. If you go back on the booze (contact with the spouse) you have to start the 21 days all over again. So cut off all unnecessary contact with your ex. Even though not yet divorced, stop referring to your former spouse as "my husband", or guess what my " wife did now? Use only the term my "ex".

This tells your subconscious that you are no longer in a marriage, it is over. Once your big computer has its files updated by the proper reprogramming, your big mental computer will realize you are no longer married and it will start to process matters as an "unmarried" person.  Until that is accomplished you do not let go nor are you able to move on with your new life.

The final divorce decree is just paper work. Your emotional and
processing reprogramming needs to start immediately.

We make no charges of any kind for any help we may provide in your divorce recovery but we do ask one favor in return. We spend a lot of time and money on the internet to make this help available to those that need it. What we ask you to do is tell other people about these sites and courses we supply and maintain and suggest that they check it out in helping them thru the process. Instead of spending money on advertising or promoting the sites and courses we prefer to spend every dime we can adding to these resources, so we will count on you to spread the word. Thank you.

Try Our "Dating Again 101" site when ready.
Go to http://www.datingagain101.com for help.

Top of Page

Divorce Recovery Newsletter 7-8-02 
Issue #5, 

Being depressed is when you have nothing to look forward to but doom and gloom. We remind you that your parents etc. all told you to save up for a rainy day.

We tell you that divorce is about as rainy a day as you are ever going to get......

So if there ever was a time to spend a little money on yourself...this is it.

Schedule a fun trip, something you always wanted to do....plan it and schedule it now.

This will give you that "something to look forward to."

It's way cheaper then a psychiatrist....I knew a lady who said every time she got depressed she went out and bought a new dress. She said it was way cheaper then her therapist, worked better and she now had a whole closet full of dresses.

Divorce can kill you or make you ill - that can cost you thousands in medical bills. If you can come up with the money for being sick....you are far better off spending that same money during this time of need, to keep you well.

Read the article on how divorce can literally "kill you". Go here
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/hazardous.html

One of the major downers and "my life is out of control" aspects of divorce that lies at the core of the problem is that you seem to have lost all control of what is happening to you.

You do not volunteer for this drastic change and the associated pain and no matter what you do, if you could even think of something to try that would change it... it still comes out bad.

This is often looked at as a no win situation.

We tell you that this is like the addict, (relationship addict in this case) you have to hit bottom, and the worse it is the more likely you will come back to a new and better life.

A little pain and you make little changes in your decision to start a new life. Big pain and you make big drastic changes for a new and better life. This is the point where you decide...no more reruns of what was....act one is over, make plans now for a new better tomorrow (act two of your real life play).

Go here to read about being the "star" in act two.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/star.html

The turning point in divorce adjustment is when you stop processing what was.... and devote all your mental processing and effort on "what will be".

Look on your divorce...as a dead horse. A tragedy, admit it is dead, and that your continuing to beat on that horse is going to take you no where.

So stop 'BEATING ON YOUR DEAD HORSE". Move on down the road.

Our singles talk shop is getting lots of participation. You may want to read through some of the comments of newly singled and throw in your thoughts on becoming suddenly single. Go here http://www.singlestalkshop.com