Divorce Newsletter, Separation, Adjustment Recovery Help and Information

Divorce newsletter includes advice and adjustment tips for those widowed and separated as well as divorced. Divorce recovery 101 newsletter and web site are both devoted to providing divorce help, advice, tips and information, developed and written to speed the recovery process by answering your divorce recovery questions and providing information and support.
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Archives of Previous Divorce Adjustment Newsletters

Newsletter #88, 6/14/10
Newsletter #87, 5/25/10
Newsletter #86, 3/19/10
Newsletter #85, 3/12/10
Newsletter #84, 2/2/10
Newsletter #83, 1/5/10
Newsletter #82, 1/4/10
Newsletter #81, 12/10/09
Newsletter #80, 10/22/09
Newsletter #79, 9/25/09
Newsletter #78, 9/11/09
Newsletter #77, 8/26/09
Newsletter #76, 7/01/09
Newsletter #75, 3/25/09
Newsletter #74, 7/23/07
Newsletter #73, 12/16/06
Newsletter #72, 10/23/06
Newsletter #71, 09/26/06
Newsletter #70, 07/10/06
Newsletter #69, 06/05/06
Newsletter #68, 03/18/06
Newsletter #67, 02/13/06
Newsletter #66, 12/29/05
Newsletter #65, 12/13/05
Newsletter #64, 11/06/05
Newsletter #63, 9/23/05
Newsletter #62, 8/15/05
Newsletter #61, 7/25/05
Newsletter #60, 7/18/05
Newsletter #59, 6/11/05
Newsletter #58, 5/11/05
Newsletter #57, 3/9/05
Newsletter #56, 1/11/05

 Go To Divorce Newsletter Page 2 Archives >>>>> 





Divorce Recovery Newsletter #88, 6/14/10

Tired of Hearing - "Get A Life" - "Move On", - And - "Let Go"?

Folks telling you this are trying to help you, but need to know you don't want to hear it. Their advice is unwelcome and going nowhere with you.

It is like your telling a friend who's health you are greatly concerned about, to "stop smoking". They, too, are sick and tired of hearing this, as they keep right on coughing and puffing away. No matter how much advice or pressure is applied, neither one can even consider realistic change until some big overriding issues are resolved.

Remembering way back when I had a sudden traumatic loss of a relationship, I really had no one talk to about it at the time, so anyone that I ran into and would stand still, I told them on and on, about it.

People would avoid me because they did not want to hear anymore about it.

Eventually after talking about it with all sorts of people, maybe about 100 times, then I found I just did not have to do that anymore.

Then, for a while if someone asked me about it, I would tell them an abbreviated version.

Eventually, I got to a place where when someone asked me about it.....I would simply change the subject, I just did not want to talk about it anymore. It was now a dead issue of no consequence.

In our classes we found that it really did not matter much who you talked it out with, if they were a good listener. Most people do not want to hear about it, are uncomfortable with it and cut you off with: "get a life", etc.

Others in the class were going thru the same thing and were good listeners because they understood.

Support groups of this type are of great help for this reason.

How long it takes you to work thru your divorce, is often determined by how long it took to talk it thru with other people and then it makes sense and life fits back together again.

You can pay $60 an hour, or whatever rate is on going for, some type of counselor to listen to you talk out what's upsetting you, or you can talk about it with a friend, it just seems to have to be talked about a certain number of times to sort it out. The more traumatic the more times required.

Divorce support groups are ideal and we suggest you join one in your area or even start one, simple, we can tell you how.

When you are past all this, it is a good idea for you to "pay back" and continue with the divorce group, to help by hearing others talk it out with someone that knows what this is all about.

Professional counselors and some clergy are trained to listen and draw you out to really talk about what is unresolved for you.

You think you are paying for advice, but what they are really doing for you that is of help, is really listening to you talk out your traumatic divorce process and sort of helps you process it, sort it out and file it away.

Keeping a journal, a written log of what you are thinking and feeling each day, a divorce diary, (a substitute that works) is also a great help in resolving the unresolved.

A combination of the two would be ideal.

Note: We did not get much response on our idea to run a daily divorce tips so have dropped it for now. Thanks to those of you who did write with words of encouragement.

Singlestalkshop.com which is our chat site has given us a lot of tech troubles but is back up working again and invite you to participate. http://Singlestalkshop.com

Then, of course, please send your friends to our other help sites:

http://divorcerecovery101.com
http://datingagain101.com
http://singlelifecoach.com
http://sexagain101.com


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If you have been forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe for free, send a blank email to: divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #87, 5/25/10

You Subscribed to This Free Divorce Recovery 101 newsletter. We Email It to You When We can Work One Into Our Publishing Schedule.

We publish many other sites on many other subjects and have a new experiment going on our Diabetes Cure 101.com were we have a changing daily Diabetes Tip Web Page. The site is http://dailydiabetestips.com that can also be subscribed to as a Daily Email.

We are thinking about doing a similar one for divorce and need your feed back. Would you find a site with new daily inspirational divorce material and tips, either on site or emailed be of interest and help?

My daughter, Dr. Janet Jacobsen, has a newsletter connected to our web site, at our Country Singles.com. Suggest you try subscribing to her free newsletter, it has lots of tips and ideas and even places to go.

Just send a blank email to: cosi-subscribe@topica.com ; to sign up for a free trial monthly newsletter from Janet on Single Life and activities in the Midwest for Singles.

She also does a Singles newsletter for our Arizona online newspaper, (we discontinued the AZ hard copy edition). It includes a calendar of AZ single activities, and you should give it a try, even if just planning to visit AZ some day.

Now Today’s Message.

Your expectation that marriage should last for ever and you were "cheated" was a faulty expectation. Therefore, you erroneously feel short changed by life and everyone else makes a marriage last but you say "mine" did not.

Get used to the idea, however disappointing, that everything in life is temporary, even life itself.

The average time a person keeps a job now is under seven years. The average time a person lives in one home is now under seven years. The average time one is married to one person is now under seven years.

Therefore, you likely exceeded the average so do not feel disappointed you did not perform some miracle and make yours last longer. Just get used to the idea that everything in life is temporary and everything is changing faster and faster. Learn to adjust to the time you live in.

Please give me feed back on whether daily divorce tips would help handle your divorce one small bite at a time.

HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net ; Please put word "Divorce" in Subject line.

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If you have been forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe for free, send a blank email to: divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #86, 3/19/10

This newsletter is about a $90,000 "Fix of Your Divorce For Social Security"

If you can Stall Divorce to 10 Years Marriage, Then Social Security Works For Both of you.

Benefits Work Both Ways When Marriage Lasts 10 Years. This is about learning a Trick: To Max Your Social Security, Using Ex's Benefits As A Stop Gap. (even continue working)

This is about learning to: Boost Social Security 32% For Life, Through Temporary Use of Ex's Benefits.

If you Live to 90 This can be $90,000 Up.

What most do not know:
If Married Ten Years Each Can Draw On Ex's Record and get Half Benefit, Even While Still Working.

The big benefit here is: Thereby Holding Off, On Drawing Your Own.

By Each Holding Off on Drawing Your Own until 70, Increases Benefit for those participating in wait, 32% For Life.

Add Over 90 (typical) Thousand $ If live until 85. No Affect On Ex, Won’t Even Know It, But You Will Need Their Social Security Number.

Multiple Marriages, Draw "Best Paid".

Every Ex Will Know Nothing About This, Strictly Between You and Social Security.

Learn To Tune Your Divorce To Max Social Security. Crucial Figure Is "Married Ten Years."

Less Then 10 Zero Benefits.

If married more then once for ten years, and your highest paid EX made more then twice as much as you, drawing half benefits for life on that ex's benefits will exceed drawing your own. (Remarry kills that.)

The key in all this, is that ten years married (and currently single) qualifies you, and the ex is not involved in any way.

Your ex may be still working but must be 62 or over and qualified for social security, and you must be over 62 and have been divorced for 2 years before it can start.

Your working and present income while drawing on theirs seems to not be a factor either. The rules on starting, such as dates, like 62 with reduced benefits. When 66 goes to Half benefit, etc., Standard rules apply.

Verify this all, of course, with the Social Security Administration.

The big thing is no matter how little your ex made, you are able to draw on theirs while you are still working and not draw on yours with those two incomes until you reach 70.

By holding off the starting of drawing yours until then and stopping drawing on your ex’s at that point, will put you into a position to increase what would have been your benefits, 32% additional for life.

If you would normally have drawn $1200 a month, Now you will be in the $1800 area.

$6,000 a year between 70 and 85 will net you $90,000 additional income.

Your writer here, did the delay (works) but did not know about the ex thing at the time.

Tell your married friends to hang in there until ten years.

Send this to your divorcing friends, we are talking big money here.

Please tell your divorcing friends about this free newsletter and our http://divorcerecovery101.com and other "helping" web sites.

We have no advertising budget and rely on you to spread the word.

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

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Subscribe to our Country Singles Newsletter

Edited by Janet Jacobsen. Just send a blank email to: cosi-subscribe@topica.com ; and that's all you have to do! You'll receive a welcome message in your e-mail. You can easily unsubscribe anytime you like.

What happens after that? Once a month, you'll receive our tips on making single life work, and the latest information for singles in an easy-to-handle, 100% text format.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #85, 3/12/10

This Newsletter is to help in handling an underwater house problem in a divorce.

Nobody else helps you with information on handling these rather serious new hurdles being thrown in right in the midst of what likely is the most muddled part of your life.

Divorce: Is An Accepted Reason or "Hardship" For Loan Mitigation by Lenders, but most doing little on this, even with a government program. With divorce, the home usually goes to the parent that winds up with custody to sort of maintain a continuity of the home for the children.

However, with two likely not keeping up with the payments before divorce, unless there is a lot of child support there, is little likely hood one partner could handle the house payment by themselves.

Some lenders are making some concessions under the new government programs but it has been a disappointing percentage. Waiting for something from this source, May be "Poor Option". Just Be Aware,

There Is No Need To Panic On Just Being Behind, You Likely Have Six Months Plus, of No Payments Before You Have to Be Out.

So the question is: Divorce and Who Gets the Underwater House. (Underwater or upside down means you owe more on the mortgage then selling the house would bring in a sale.)

Divorces Settlements: It used to be the winner got the house. Now the house person may be the person Who Is Saddled With The Debt of The Underwater Home?

If the Sale of the home won’t pay the indebtedness or mortgage, is the winner the one being stuck with the deficiency?

Arizona, California and five other states giving the home back, state law says "that ends it", but not so in the rest of the states. However, in practice it seems most do not follow up on collecting the balance but they are entitled to do so.

Upside down, underwater, saddled, who gets the home problem - The so called Divorce Home.

Likely past due, part of the problem perhaps why the relationship ended, other bills and the mortgage payments behind, where just to much often with unemployment thrown in.

There Is Good News, You Have Likely Have Some Time..... An Underwater Divorce Home Can Usually Be Lived In, Payment Free Six Months to A Year, While the Foreclosure process proceeds and you will have ample notices.

Obviously Two Incomes Not Hacking It. It would take a really BIG LOAN MODIFICATION For One to Be Able to Pay It, But Go Thru the Process, You Need Spend No Money To Do So. Pay NO One.

The magic word..... It Takes Six Months To A Year For Foreclosure. Sit Tight. Take A Breath. Divorce and Home Problems Not End Of World.

Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade.

If Underwater and Behind, Parent With Custody, Likely Gets House.

If Child Support and Income Will Support Lower Payment Apply For Loan Mitigation. Do It Anyway....Extends Stay, Slim Shot, But "Stay", Should Be Payment Free. (six months to a year).

So No Panic Be Wary of Mitigation, Loans Offices. Some reported to merely Make Noises like They Are Working Out Something and Then Foreclose Anyway.

Check with Free Foreclosure Counseling. You Are Required to Be Notified Well In Advance Of Steps. There are many foreclosure free counseling agencies set up by government and social agencies.

Divorce: Home Foreclosure Steps Who Gets "Divorce Home" When Underwater? Who wants it, likely no one.

Is This "Home" an Asset Or a Liability?

It never rains but it pours, is an old saying which is true for many going through or just through a divorce at the current timing.

Stress in life situations are rated by a scale of how likely you are of coming down with an illness, when you have a high total stress score happening in your life.

Highest on the stress score chart, is loosing a long term relationship, whether by death, divorce or otherwise. Very high on the scale, of adding stress points are loss of job and next, loss of long term location. Loss of income for whatever reason is of course a major stressor.

Right now many are having all of these happen at the same time.

We write this to alert you to the odds of the combined stress, causing you to come down with a major illness within the next 12 months, which is a greater hazard then all these seemingly stressful events happening to you right now. See our article: http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/hazardous.html

This article is about understanding more about the HOME foreclosure process and what divorce has to do with it, how it proceeds and how you can work with it, in your divorce process.

If your home is in a community property state (divide everything 50 - 50 state) and your home is paid for or nearly paid for, you can sell it and split the proceeds, or have it appraised and one buy out the others half.

Who got the house used to be the prize winner in the divorce. Usually the person with custody was awarded the house to maintain a continuation of normal for the children.

Now who gets the house may be the one that is stuck with the liability, of underwater if the home goes to foreclosure, and is forcibly sold.

In Arizona, California and five other states, giving the house back ends your liability.

However, in the remaining states it does not since they do not have anti deficiency laws, and you can be held liable (filed suit) for the shortage. However, unless you have considerable income or assets does not seem to be happening but is a hazard.

If it works out, you can make a little less payment and if any current arrears are forgiven or attached on the end (called forbearance agreement) and it is almost even equity position then you may want to get a loan mitigation agreement in the works. Most you will have to be behind and threatening to walk to get their attention.

However, if the home is now worth less then the mortgage or less then would be derived from the sale, then does it make sense to stay in the home unless you can negotiate with the lender some very favorable terms in the form of a loan modification to lower interest, longer payment period, less principal even, etc.

If such is not worked out (they may pretend to do this to try to get you to continue payments full rate, meantime). If they are working on it or not, then you sit tight for six months to a year with no payments and get your finances back together. While the lender goes through the steps they have to do to foreclose.

This normally takes six months to a year, but overwhelmed many have taken well over a year.

Now you think you may be cheating the bank in not getting out, actually you are doing the bank a favor, an empty house depreciates the neighborhood, vandalism is common, the lawn and yard have to be maintained, etc., and the fact you are in the home helps, not hurts.

The lenders collectors (often calling from India) will use the threats of "throwing you out on the street" ploys to get you to send in one more payment. Their ability to coerce money from a past due account is their career. They will make threats, promise anything you want to hear etc.

Best end it statement is, "I have submitted for a loan mitigation and talking no payments until something is worked out."

They will also use the "ruin your credit" ploy which is happening anyway, and if you make your home payments you are likely to be unable to make your other timely payments and there goes your credit anyway.

The lender has an expensive process to go through and may even pay you to get out early, etc., and turn in the keys to the tune of several thousand dollars since it will save them legal costs of foreclosure.

Also, they may agree to have you live in it and do a short sale while living there, which means, list it for sale and if get an offer, no matter how low, if they accept it you have 30 days to leave and they settle the agreement by signing your debt settled in full.

Or since the market is dead right now, they may, when get down to the end, agree to rent it to you for half the market rental rate, to keep it occupied and some income coming in.

Ignore all the collection department threats, and promises if you will just pay, they have NO AUTHORITY to make any deal with you.

Deal ONLY with the loan mitigation department.

Be sure and do not fall for all the traps of people offering to make your payment and save your house for you. Refuse all payments for advise on how to settle this (timely legal advice okay). You can get free counseling by many government level offices. (Ask the collectors calling for nearest one.)

There are many state and county and charitable counseling offices but here is one Federal one....they will advise of any government assistance also. Go here: http://www.homeloanwalkaway.com listed down right column of front page.

We have put together a site on the advisability of just "walking away" from an underwater home or past due home at: http://homeloanwalkaway.com

Or if you are a person that put your life savings in homes to rent, go here: http://investorwalkaway.com

We also sponsor talk it out forums on the subject linked there and remember, to talk about divorce issues and becoming suddenly single we have a Singles Talk Shop at: http://singlestalkshop.com

Please send this page and information about our divorce help: http://divorcerecovery101.com and about signing up for this newsletter.

Those friends going through possibility of foreclosure, please send our site: http://homeloanwalkaway.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #84, 2/2/10

You can not run around the bases of life if you keep one foot on home plate.

Divorced people that have not let go of their ex are in that position.

We noticed in our divorce recovery classes that those that referred to their ex spouse or as "my Ex" had let go of the "what was" relationship as being over.

In contrast, those that referred to them as "my husband" this or that or "my wife,' did so and so, were not progressing in working through their divorce.

We figured out that by your making this simple change in your vocabulary, by referring to them hereafter as "my ex", you were programming and acknowledging to yourself that your long term relationship was over and you were moving on.

Those that made that simple change successfully did indeed work through their divorce and get on with life much faster.

In fact, we found in addition a few other simple steps really speeded your progress on moving on to a new and better life.

You are a relationship addict like the rest of us, and like an alcoholic, you have to sober up. You are and/or will be going through withdrawal symptoms.

You have heard that an alcoholic has a terrible time sobering up and finds it almost impossible to drive past a liquor store.

You find some excuse to contact your ex.

You to need to do the 21 day sober up from your relationship addiction, and that means absolutely NO contacts or conversations that are not absolutely necessary for the children, etc., are to be avoided.

In fact, explain this to your ex that for the next 21 days, if she has anything at all important that needs to be taken up with me, do NOT contact me, contact my sister, etc., and she will relay the concern to me.

Say just explain to all, "I am working through a process and I am supposed to have no contact with my "ex" for 21 days, so that’s the way it is, remember, contact my sister.

Get rid of everything or stash somewhere anything that reminds you of the "ex".

When a friend brings up your ex, or the latest news about them, say you prefer right now "not to hear about it."

Remember, if you break the no contact (except for emergencies and then keep it ONLY at that) rule, then your 21 days starts all over again.

Once, like the alcoholic, you are past the 21 days off your addiction, it will be much easier and you will find you really have no need to contact them anymore, what they do or don't do is none of your concern, they are out of your life. It is just "what was".

Once you are arriving at that point you have almost emotionally worked through your divorce and its negative affect on your life.

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

If you have been forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe for free, send a blank email to: divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

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Many of the regulars are back on http://singlestalkshop.com our "Talk It Out Therapy Site.

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Just spent months researching the fix for asthma and now have a site up that if you have asthma, or have grandkids, or anyone with asthma, please take a look at our work there. It can change the life of an asthmatic to find out this information. http://asthmacure101.com

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #83, 1/5/10

Divorce Recovery 101 Newsletter mailing of sample of Dr. Janet Jacobsen's newsletter for Country Singles. She also writes one specifically for Arizona Singles. We thought you would want to subscribe to one or the other, so include information on how to sign in to be on her e-mail newsletter list (free). See bottom of newsletter.

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COUNTRY SINGLES NEWSLETTER 12-28-09 Issue 139
Copyright 2010
http://www.countrysingles.com

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I N T H I S I S S U E:

** Dating Tip of the Week
** How to Tell If He's the Right Guy
** “Work/life Balance” Includes a Social Life
** Agree on the Ending Before Getting Involved


** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Normal social “nerves,” or phobia
-- Elderhostel not just for elders any more.
-- Happily divorced royals.


~~~~~Happy New Year!~~~~~~

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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good. ========================================================

Dating Tip of the Week
Where does the opposite sex hang out?

by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Go where there are quantities of the opposite sex. We always recommend fishing in a well-stocked pond.

We told you about the lady who went to Toastmaster meetings and found it was almost always men. She discovered there were several different groups that met around the metropolitan area on several different days.

Another tells me about having great success at golf driving ranges, which it turns out are populated almost entirely by men.

Men need to figure out where there are large quantities of women with hardly any men around. Did you know they have quilting conventions around the country? I have a married friend who goes to those as part of a business, but says it is 99% women and would be a great place to meet women.

When in England I noticed some interesting three dimensional pictures in a craft shop and they were having a class on how to make them starting in 15 minutes. So I took the class. Learned how to do it and noticed the rest of the class were all women.

Easy place to get acquainted -- we were all sitting there side by side and easy place to talk. That’s the sort of thing you are looking for.

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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sniffing out attraction.
The Associated Press reports on new companies that claim to do better match-making because they include DNA testing, based on the theory that we’re most attracted to people with immune systems most dissimilar to our own. However, the story quotes a professor of olfaction and human behavior who says prospective matches should just swap t-shirts and sniff. Other experts suggest that physical factors such as looks and social factors such as personality are much more important to attraction in the long run.

Normal social “nerves,” or phobia?
We all get nervous at the prospect of attending social events when we’re out of practice, or facing a first date with someone really interesting. But for some people fear of interacting with others becomes a social phobia that interferes with daily life. According the“USA Weekend,” symptoms include excessive worry about events where social interaction is expected, anxiety from being around others, avoiding places and events where people gather, and difficulty making friends and maintaining friendships. Counseling and/or medication can help; discuss your concerns with your doctor. The website SocialAnxietyDisorder.net has information.

Planning to divorce.
According to an article in the “New Yorker” magazine, 30% of married women in America “do not intend to be with the man they are five years from now.”

Dating tips for couples are good for singles.
A recent “Wall Street Journal” article looked at the perils of couples “dating” other couples to try to develop friendships. The tips are just as relevant for singles dating: “Don’t date your boss. Don’t share food on a first date. And don’t sit there silently, letting others do all the work. Do ask questions and share. Let the other person get a word in edgewise.”

Elderhostel not just for elders any more.
If you like the idea of group travel and educational programs as part of the package, you may have envied the Elderhostel program that since 1975 has provided educational group travel, often with programs that spend time at universities and colleges. Now the organization is changing its name to Exploritas and opening most activities to anyone 21 or older. www.exploritas.org

Paris hosts fair for singles.
In this country they’re referred to as “Bridal Fairs,” those trade shows that pop up in the Spring featuring everything you need to know to get married. The Associated Press reports that recently a French entrepreneur hosted the opposite — a “New Start” fair in Paris, the city’s first trade show for singles, especially those recently divorced or divorcing. An estimated 4000 people attended the fair. France’s divorce rate is nearly 50%.

Happily divorced royals.
"AARP" magazine reports that Britain's Prince Andrew and his ex-wife Princess Fergie often vacation with their daughters (Eugenie, 21, and Beatrice, 19). In fact, the long-time exes get along so well that they have been labeled "the world's happiest unmarried couple."

Quotable:
Singer Madonna, to late-night tv host David Letterman, on whether she plans to marry again: "I think I'd rather get run over by a train."
Singer Dolly Parton, to CNN, on her support for same-sex marriage: "Sure, why can't they get married? They should suffer like the rest of us do."

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HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites, newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.

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Dating advice from the First Lady
How to Tell if He's the Right Guy

Broadcaster Katie Couric interviewed First Lady Michelle Obama for "Glamour" magazine recently, including a reader-submitted question, "Did you know Mr. O was a great catch when you met him? What dating advice can you give a 26-year-old professional?"

Here's what Mrs. Barack Obama had to say:
"Cute is good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as a person?
"That's the advice I would give to women: Don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know.
"And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you're in that relationship and you're dating, then my advice is, don't get married."

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Be Sure Your “Work/life Balance” Includes a Social Life

One key to keeping a balance in your life is to make an “organized” use of your time. By using time efficiently on your “must-do’s” you’ll have more time for “want-to-do’s” like attending singles events, meeting new people, and dating.

“Vitality” magazine offers the following pointers for managing tasks and time effectively.

1. Some people like to get all the little things out of the way, then tackle the big project head on. Others can’t think about the little things until the big project is done. Whichever approach fits you, work to your style, both on the job and at home.

2. Don’t interrupt yourself. Finish the task, then take a break. Stopping in the middle lowers your concentration.

3. Have a “tickler” system. You might have a file folder for each day of the month, and one for each month ahead. Or use a daily or weekly desk calendar. Even if you don’t get around to writing things on the calendar, you can put your notes to yourself about what needs to be done, appointments, and even date ideas into the appropriate week.

4. Capture your thoughts. Carry a notepad or PDA. Have a note pad in the kitchen or on your night stand. Wherever you are likely to have a sudden thought about something that needs done – or would be fun to do! – you need a place to write it down.

5. At the end of the day, take a few minutes to write out your to-do list for the next day. This shouldn’t be just the stuff you have to do, but also things you’d like to do. By putting a phone call to a friend on the list, you’ll think of it when you have a few minutes of spare time. If you’re a worrier, make your list early in the evening, so this won’t become a “worry about” list at bedtime.

6. Include fun. Some people call this “personal time.” It should be something that makes you feel happy and invigorated. For one person that might be gardening, for another quiet time to listen to music. Whatever yours is, include it as a priority. If it’s something you can do on a date, or with single friends – even better!

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For archived articles with more tips on dating successfully, visit our website at http://datingagain101.com.
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Agree on the Ending Before Getting Involved

by Harlan L. Jacobsen

Many divorced, and others who have ended a big relationship, are often very gun-shy about getting married or developing a relationship again. They fear they may have the bad ending again and they just cannot bring themselves to ever let that happen.

Pre-marriage contracts

The divorced who remarry, who are practical, now often enter into a pre-marriage contract that, in effect, legally states in advance how the split, if it comes, will go -- sort of settling your divorce before you get married. The advantage is that you know exactly what you are getting into; there are no fears about going through the judicial roulette wheel of divorce and you know in advance what "the worst thing" is in this legal relationship, if it goes sour.

Many will say if you do not expect it to last and you need a pre-marital contract, you shouldn't be getting married. This is not true.

Like life insurance

We all buy life insurance though we expect not to die. We all have hopeful expectations, and probably the starry-eyed romantic outlook of newlyweds is beautiful, but from a rational standpoint statistically, we know everything is temporary in this world -- usually including relationships and marriage. So this is practical protection, like the life insurance policy.

Let us now look at those afraid to get involved in a romantic relationship of any kind again because they cannot bear the thought or pain of the ending. They, too, fear the possible ending of their next relationship so they can't let themselves get involved.

Plan the ending

It occurs to me that we can learn how to end relationships relatively painlessly, and can intelligently discuss it with a potential heavy involvement partner before getting involved. Then you can both pre-agree how you will split before the relationship ends. Establish a ground-rules agreement.

This will allow you both the freedom of knowing how to get out easily -- that you can both get out without fears of past hurts. Badly ended relationships will not repeat and you can move forward with great relish since you know the ending will not be all bad, nor will you have the apprehension you would have had otherwise about the relationship.

Once you settle and agree on how you will end your relationship, when that time comes, then you have nothing to fear and can really get on with developing and enjoying the relationship.

Are you mature enough to use this approach to lick the old problem of not letting a relationship really develop and get close for fear of another bad ending?

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Happy New Year!

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Sign Up for Country Singles Free newsletter:

Just send a blank email to: cosi-subscribe@topica.com and that's all you have to do! You'll receive a welcome message in your e-mail. Among other things, it includes instructions on how to remove yourself from the email list if you should decide to discontinue.

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Also includes news and information on Arizona singles clubs and calendar of events highlights. Edited by Janet Jacobsen. Simply send a blank email to: singlesphx-subscribe@topica.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #82, 1/4/10

2010 "Turn Your Life Around" Divorce Recovery" Newsletter.

In high school when your life was not working you blamed your parents.

In marriage when your life was not working you blamed your spouse.

Right now, your life is not working you blame your ex.

In 2010 if your life is not working.....it's scary..... You get to blame ONLY you.

That is scary, being in charge, with no babysitter looking after you or that you can blame your life not working on.

That's tough, feeling cut a drift and not knowing where your boat is going to run aground......

You have been forced to take charge of your own life....... the sooner you realize that and start steering your own boat where you want to go.....the better....

But wait, the problem is you have no idea where you want to go, where you want to stear your life...

So whoa, start of 2010, perfect time to sit down and write ACT 2. What you want to have happen in the next part of your life.

Figure out what if all happened like you would like to happen..... what all would that be?

Get that down in black and white and you are half way there........

Next issues we will help show you how to make it happen....

You will be so busy and enthused about making it happen and the possibilities....

All that "What Was", stuff will be of little or no concern.... becomes a "dead" no value issue.

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My daughter, Dr. Janet Jacobsen, writes a hell of a newsletter for us and mails free to her subscribers and we are going to, in the next few days, take the liberty of sending a sample to you which you should find informative. I even contribute to it from time to time.

She writes a much more complete newsletter then I am able to do now. I also write from my research now on http://asthmacure101.com Invite anyone with asthma to use it to get rid of this problem for free.

Since I am a diabetic, I have written over 400 articles on how I overcame my diabetes and you can, too, at http://diabetescure101.com and http://diabetesselfhelp.com

Also write for over 100 other sites, so not able to write as much stuff for singles as in the past. But we have hundreds of articles you can send your newly divorced friends to, for help http://divorcerecovery101.com

Watch for Dr. Janet Jacobsen's Newsletter sample soon and be sure and sign up for it. (free)

Regards,
Harlan Jacobsen

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #81, 12/10/09

This newsletter is primarily for our new "still in shock" "how did this happen to me" folks who are wasting a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong and/or how they can put "what was" back to "what is".

First of all, you have to adjust to the idea that ALL relationships expire. Either by ending dating, or divorce, or death of one or the other. So all have an expiration date.

No one can predict when this might happen in advance, unless you have a working crystal ball.

You have had other relationships in your life time and they did not last. The all had an expiration date. Nothing wrong with that, they were probably all memorable, worthwhile experiences.

Some of those, if you think back, when they happened they seemed like the end of your world at that time. They were not.

The fact that you have paper work on this one does not change much of that....

Once one of the two people decides this relationship is not going anywhere anymore and is over, then the other person is very frustrated and tries to put humpty dumpty back together because they were not ready for it to be over.

.......but I have paper work and they said this one was forever......

Very seldom do they both decide it is over at the same time. Therefore, we have one going on their way, and getting on with lifeand the left person trying to figure out (a waste of time) what they can do to put it back togethe, or analyzing what went wrong.

It sometimes takes them a year to accept that this is a waste of time and finally adjusts to the idea the relationship is over.

We call this "beating' on a dead horse.

Trying to make it come back to life and work again.

You can decide how much of your life you want to spend or waste beating on your "dead horse".

If you move on and get your life working again and everything is sunshine, you are an attractive alternative.

When you get your "new life" working, you will have lots of options and putting this back together won't even make the list.

Beating on this dead horse now is a waste of time, no chance of it coming back to life doing that.

Move on and make plans for chapter two.

Curtain just fell on chapter one.

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Harlan has put together the best christmas light shows around the country here. You might enjoy these. http://bestchristmaslightshows.com

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Many of the regulars are back on http://singlestalkshop.com our "Talk It Out Therapy Site.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #80, 10/22/09

This issue, despite knowing many readers are well along the divorce process, we are reminded you and I need to extend help to the newbies who still think it is the end of the world and need a little help.

Those going through a divorce and are new to the process need to understand, all divorces succeed these days.

Marriages fail but all divorces "succeed". Might take longer for your emotional coming apart then the legal coming apart but that can be speeded up and that’s what we help with.

You used to have "something" on the other person. Those days are pretty much gone.

No matter what you say or they say, the divorce will go through. Now they can delay it with legal maneuvers but they can not stop it.

As far as I know all states have now advanced to what is called "no fault divorce."

Each state has a little different rules on property dividing. Usually, being a villain does not change your property rights, so see little advantage in the other person trying to get something on you.

That mentality still seems to exist and fear that you might do something wrong and screw up your divorce is an overblown concern.

You can check with a local attorney and that aspect in your area. Probably 95% of cases never actually wind up in front of a judge anyway.

You agree on something and if not too far out, the judge rubber stamps it. If you have a hassle then you have to pay big bucks to have two attorneys argue with each other, take your money and then write something up they think the judge will stamp as reasonable.

If the STBX (soon to be ex, term you need to pick up on and adopt) wants to delay it, remind them any big hospital bills or any bills you run up, as a married to you person they can be held liable for your bills.

That concept usually gets the divorce moving. If they think you really do not give a rip how long it takes, it is just paper work and they are potentially liable idea, then they are not bugging or irritating you by delaying it, etc. (ringing your chimes), it will move on.

Right now they are likely trying to push your buttons, and which ever one is getting a reaction from you (delay, for example) is the ones they will keep doing. So the less you react to their worse actions, the sooner they will stop.

Then we have the old sell myself and the world that the divorce is not my fault. I have to convince myself and everyone that you are very defective and have done all sort of things justifying my divorce.

This is what usually tears you apart, you do not like the villain role, and over react.

So that is the sales pitch you are hearing is what a villain you are. To convince themself and the world they are okay, it is the spouse that has "real problems".

You might have to play the villain part for a while. Go ahead, anybody that matters will soon see through this anyway.

That’s all normal part of the coming apart process, so just take the lumps and move on understanding it’s just normal part of the pulling a big pile of spaghetti apart.

Our http://singlestalkshop.com is a good place to talk some of this out and about and see what others have experienced or done.

Initially you think you have the world’s worse divorce and something this bad like this has never happened before.

Highly suggest you look for a divorce support group in your area, and if there is not one, start one.

It really is helpful to talk about the divorce process to make sense out of it and move on. Once you understand it, that it’s just a process and lots of others are going through the same thing and are handling it, then it all sorts of shapes up.

All you need is two people getting together over coffee once a week to start one. Keep finding more and inviting them to join in for an hour once a week, etc.

We have an article on how to start a divorce group. Call around to people in the divorce counseling business and ask the secretary if she knows of one.

Also call the research department at your public library and ask them to see if they can find a divorce group in town for you.

Call the largest church in town and ask if they know of any. Never mind what brand, all sorts of people attend these because churches are the only place you can get for free to meet usually.

Get ready for Act ll. Let’s start planning what happens in Act ll and let's make it a good one.

Good luck, it gets better every day....

P.S. We are planning to rework our http://divorcerecovery101.com site to make it easier and better to use We would welcome any suggestions or comments. Please email me at: harlanj-@webtv.net and put the word ‘Divorce’ in the subject line.

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

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Talk shop is up and working again and becoming extremely popular. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing support group discussion. This is Harlan's Singles Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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Just spent months researching the fix for asthma and now have a site up that if you have asthma, or have grandkids, or anyone with asthma, please take a look at our work there. It can change the life of an asthmatic to find out this information. http://asthmacure101.com

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #79, 9/25/09

This newsletter is about our simple online forum that lets you "Talk It Out" sort of a single folks, online support group on the web.

We have always said that talking about what your going thru with someone is very important for you to process and work thru traumatic happenings, such as divorce, so on the web we sponsor a 24 hour singles talk board, called http://singlestalkshop.com and recently a lady wrote an entry on the board, that mentioned in her comments that this had all helped her over the years a lot.

Since the site is connected with our http://divorcerecovery101.com web site I got on and wrote, asking her what had helped the most, since I spent over ten years putting it all together, I was curious and asked if our monthly newsletter in your email helped, our free online adjustment courses or maybe the Starting Over Series of Articles I took six months to write...... what was it that she thought helped the most....

Then came her surprise response, and here is what she wrote back ......



Harlan, It was really just talking and venting on this site.

I did read a lot of what you had here, but it was the people and being able to talk things out.

I meet some great people here and in fact I'm still friends with a few after all these years. Never meet anyone in person, but that is what I like knowing someone else that has gone through and is there to knock me into reality sometimes.

This site is GREAT to have found. I can't say it any better than that. I got tired of cleaning my refrigerator at 3 in the morning one night and found the site and came here almost every day. I not only got advice about divorce but how to handle everyday things from having to refinance my mortgage and the myths about that, to how to fix things on my own.

Thank you so much for having this site. It was my lifesaver at a time that I could have taken a different path. Life is better and to know I'm not alone and place to go to is great.

Thank you so much Harlan!

Donna



Thank you Donna, we are happy to hear that Singles Talk Shop Works.... to do what it was designed to do..... Thank you for taking the time to share that....

We get little feedback on the web, we used to get a lot in the classes.

Here are some other online comments over the years, from all over the world, go here: http://divorcerecovery101.com/letters.html You may pick up some ideas there of what helps work thru divorce.

So, maybe I need to tell others more about our talk shop board......it does indeed do more apparently then all my work..... so my motto is "use whatever works".

http://singlestalkshop.com

Just spent months researching the fix for asthma and now have a site up that if you have asthma, or have grandkids, or anyone with asthma, please take a look at our work there. It can change the life of an asthmatic to find out this information.

http://asthmacure101.com

The cure is from Russia. It is now their official accepted asthma treatment and it works. The real cause of asthma is surprising but once you know that, the fix falls in place.

You likely know I have diabetes and spent four years on the research of the fix for that, which also works but the fix is long term and much more complicated. Go here: http://diabetescure101.com

I do fun stuff too! Take a look at our new: http://bestchristmaslightshows.com

Good luck with working thru your divorce. Just remember, you are not alone.

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

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Talk shop is up and working again and becoming extremely popular. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing support group discussion. This is Harlan's Singles Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #78, 9/11/09

What Else Can Really Matter With Social Security and Divorce

Another thing you can do if you are drawing or about to draw on your own social security account between 65 and 70 (fully qualified retired SS age varies according to your birth date), you can withdraw from that and file on your ex's and may get more or less money, but this action then allows yours to build up at an increase of 8% a year, to age 70.

Bottom line says this can, by waiting until 70 to draw on your own social security, add up to an additional $52,800 income if you live to 90, and even significant $14,400 if just live to 80 instead of drawing on your account early.

Your author did this, waited until 70 to file, and draw any benefits, (now 80 and has been drawing hundreds of dollars extra (more) per month (since 70) and is already well ahead of the game, using Bottom Lines Figures.

However, was a gamble, if had died early would never gotten but the $200 burial allowance out of all of the thousands paid in during the lifetime.

The information here is to get you to be aware (know) you can draw on your ex's and file to hold off (even if you have started you can stop) drawing on your own account and thereby add 8% a year by holding off. (You even have the option to pay back (no interest) any years received between 62 and 70 if you stop) to further increase your future receipts.

If your receipts will be greater on your own account drawing with the new bigger (increased by waiting until 70) amount in full at age 70 you then switch off your ex's SS and go on your own account, which ever is more. If drawing on your Ex's account, even after paying in without drawing until 70, then you are wasting your time increasing your own account..

If you already have started drawing, you can chose to stop if do not particularly need the money, and increase it later by waiting, or best bet may be to draw it, deposit it (save) (have to pay taxes on it) and..... if you live to 70 pay social security administration back with no interest and be advanced in amount by four years at 8% yearly increase added, a total 32% increase for the next 20 years if you live to 90.

Now this all applies to increasing your pay out by waiting until 70 (or paying back amount drawn) as your author did, whether you have an ex account qualified to draw on or not. By paying back you drew income that might have been lost if you had died early, and had access to it, but yet were here able to take advantage of the advance in income obtainable with the age 70 pay back time.

Not a tax expert, but you are welcome to contact me if I did not explain well.

Better yet, take it up with Social Security.

You can get information or file forms at: www.ssa.gov or by calling 800-772-1213.

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If you or have a relative or friend with asthma, Harlan is just finishing a website on the Russian "do it yourself cure for Asthma." Take a look and send it to anyone with asthma. This is an "end it" cure. http://asthmacure101.com

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

If you have been forwarded this newsletter and would like to subscribe for free, send a blank email to divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com

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Talk shop is up and working again and becoming extremely popular. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing support group discussion. This is Harlan's Singles Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #77, 8/26/09

How you Handle Social Security After Divorce Can Mean Up To $40,000 Difference if Live Until 90.

No time Limit on Social Security Ex Effect Unless Remarry.

Do not treat Social Security lightly when learning how divorce affects your rights.

Not knowing, failing to max out correctly, can cost you tens of thousands of dollars if you live long.

There is "No Reopening Up" wounds with your ex. No affect on them whatsoever, strictly wise strategic moves between you and Social Security.

This article for Divorced is UNUSUAL and needs to be saved if not affecting you currently. It will and you won’t be able to find this again, put to immediate use.

We are not experts but have become aware of Social Security income affecting you and your ex, and both you and your divorced friends need to know about.

Most of this comes from the most recent issue of Bottom Line, though I was familiar with some of these ramifications of social security on divorced folks, it was never this clearly spelled out.

Looks like if you were married for ten years to one or more, (only the last one counts) and you earned low or small amount of wages in your own life time employment history and will draw relatively low social security (you can check what you will draw with SS), and your last ex you were married to over ten years, had high income, then you may be better off drawing 50% of your former mates social security then filing on your own.

Only the last spouse you were married to, no matter how long ago, if you were married to them over ten years qualifies you. Matters not if they are remarried or not.

This has NO affect on your ex's social security. They will not even need to know you are drawing on it.

Now be alerted about remarrying before age 60 (or age 50 if you are disabled), however, and you then lose the right to claim spousal benefits from the previous marriage. All rights transfer to the new spouse and the old ones no longer work.

Therefore, it may pay you NOT to remarry, (forget to do the paper work, just move in with them). Put Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones on the mailbox (perfectly legal as long as not trying to cheat anyone) and nix doing any mumbo jumbo licenses or the paper work. Has anyone EVER asked to see your marriage license on the last marriage?

Social Security administration only counts and asks if you have paper work marriage to anyone else since. Answer needs to be NO.

If you remarry, you will be eligible for spousal benefits based only on your new partner's earnings and if you get divorced you likely won’t qualify to draw on theirs because you were NOT married 10 years.

If you had low income and/or did not work long time, would draw say $500.00 a month.

You can check with social security right now and find out what you will draw at retirement. No charge to find out.

In contrast, your check and your ex will be qualified to draw $2,000 dollars a month, because of long term high earnings, you would be entitled to draw on his social security at a 50% rate. $1,000 per month, in this case, twice as much as you would have drawn on your own account.

This does not matter if the high earner was a woman, and came into a lot of income late in life, etc., even years after the divorce from you.

As long as you were married to them ten years or more and have NOT remarried, you are qualified and it matters not they are not yet drawing social security and it has no effect, NONE, on their drawing social when they do.

Part Two, What Else Can Really Matter Up to $52,800 difference if live until 90. Even If Married Less Then Ten Years. All in Next Divorce Recovery 101 Newsletter.

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Talk shop is up and working again and becoming extremely popular. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing support group discussion. This is Harlan's Singles Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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See our newest website that will knock your socks off. Or will at least show you how to decorate your home for Christmas: http://bestchristmaslightshows.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #76, 7/01/09

Recovering from Divorce is Not Easy But is a Head Trip. Understand the process and you can work thru it faster.

First of all, it is like death of a loved one, or any death loss process. You will go thru the same stages, but here you may be going thru several losses at the same time.

If you were married for years, this death of a long term personal relationship, is not unlike a loss of a mother and/or father. To one or the other of you, it is also means a loss of a stable location. One or the other, and often both, are forced to move.

If you were a housewife you also lost your "job". Often you were in financial difficulty, which contributed to the divorce and incomes that were supporting one household, now will have to be strectched to support two.

This almost always means a drop in the standard of living for both. You may have worked together for years to get your standard of living up there, and now you are having to revert back. This makes both of you angry and take it out on the other with revenge or "get even" tactics, for causing this to happen and "putting me" in this position.

One of the initial head trips, is PANIC. Can I survive alone or is this the end of life as I knew it? Have I lost my one chance in life for an opposite sex, relationship? Will I ever be able to fill my sexual needs again?

You will have a whole stack of unresolved issues like this to work thru, so the expression "to work thru your divorce" means to dispose of this stack of unresolved issues.

We won't go into each of those now, but here is short understanding of the process.

Let's imagine your mental processor as a room lined with file cabinets. Everything is settled, routine and filed away, anything happen in life, you just open a file cabinet and everything relating to this happening is all ready settled.

Now comes divorce.....it is like three file cabinets have been dumped in the center of the room and you can not even get to the normal events file cabinets that make life flow, so not only what in these files, but life in general has been messed up.

How long it takes you to adjust to divorce, get your life back to operating normally again, will be determined, by how long it takes you to get all this dumped files mess settled and filed away, so you can get everything back in place and life back to automatic.

Here is the key...... filing this away is primarily done by hearing yourself talk about each issue or file, but some may require talking about several times, then suddently it will make sense. That issue will be settled and filed away and you talk about the next one.

So how long it takes you to work thru this "dumped mess" is determined how long it takes you to talk about and thru these and get these "dumped issues" neatly refiled and your normal life processing back to normal.

Next key: It doesn't matter if you pay a therapist $75.00 an hour, or talk to Aunt Minny about what's happened, the process is the same. What the therapist is doing, of value is NOT giving you advice, he is LISTENING, while you resolve these issues and talk about it. So is Aunt Minny, your minister, or other divorced folks in a support group.

Now here is a trick that speeds it up.....you can write what you think about some of these on the floor issues, in a journal every night and it will work almost as well.

You can get on our newly reborn "singles talk shop" and talk about what is bugging you and unresolved with other singles, any time of the night or day, and it will work too. There are many other discussion boards on the net, and even when you answer other peoples postings, you are hearing yourself resolving some issues.

We call it "talk it out Therapy". Now that you understand that talking about what's happened in your becoming "suddenly single" is important to your progress of moving on down the road to a better life, you will understand, hiding in a cave does not get you past the trauma of divorce.

Our Singles Talk Shop site is at http://singlestalkshop.com You can even address questions to me there directly..and will answer promptly if you like, since I check it most every day. But best of all, you get to interact with others around the world going thru much the same thing.

If you have gotten some help from our divorce site, and have been laid off, you might try our new http://LaidOffGoHere.com site, and/or http://HiredMyself.com to make yourself a job. If you have trouble paying for prescriptions, we spent a lot of research on http://savedrug.com which shows you how to save up to 80% on drugs. If you have divorced friends, laid off, starting their own business, or overwhelming prescription bills, please tell them about these sites. Regards, Harlan Jacobsen

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #75, 3/25/09

Dear Divorce Recovery Newsletter subscriber: This is a Special Issue

The Once In A Lifetime TRIPLE Whammy......
- Divorce Tops The List As Most Stressful Happening of A Lifetime....
- Loss Of A Long Term Job, a Close Second...
- Loss of A Long Term Residence, Traumatic...

Since many of our subscribers may have all three happening at once, we thought it important we offer assistance and call your attention to the fact this may seem overwhelming now, but it is very important you need to LEARN how to handle this, get help, and take it in stride to prevent it causing an even even bigger catastrophe ahead.

Stress Experts Claim These Happenings Each Individually Greatly Affects the Odds Of a Major Personal Catastrophe Happening in the Near Future.

Happening All Together, at Once can be OVERWHELMING and Greatly Enhance a Personal Disaster to Follow.

You may have these three top stressors happening all at once.

If you were a housewife, recession or not, you lost your spouse and your job.

If you owned a home together, one or the other (or both) will have lost the long term home, recession or not.

Add in the recession job losses, and foreclosure events, are traumatic, on top of a divorce going at the same time.

Often a divorce itself is in part caused by money problems, not enough money to go around. Now, money that was short to support one household has to be stretched to afford two households, compounding the problem.

The necessary lowering of standard of living is traumatic, and usually one, blames the other, for putting them in this position. Contributing to the overall anger.

Mother said you should save for a rainy day......

THIS IS YOUR LIFETIME RAINY DAY...........

Stress Experts say that 80% of major illnesses can be linked to following a major stress in your life.

With Many Happening At Once, Predict Greater Chances of Major Illness, Accident or Death Happening To You Within the Next Two Years Following.

Look at the Lifetime Events "Stress Charts"....

You Will See Your Odds far More then Double Over the Next Two Years, from just one stressor like divorce, but You Can Learn How To Handle It.

This newsletter is not going into how to handle it, negate it, and get past this-- we write this issue solely to ALERT you and remind you our: http://divorcerecovery101.com web site has many articles on this and you need to take steps.

There are several articles on handling divorce stress, here is one: http://divorcerecovery101.com/newlysingle.htm

We will be sending you another newsletter soon on the subject of the importance of you learning how to handle this stress so as not to affect your health and life itself long term.

Send this newsletter to your Divorced Friends and suggest they subscribe.

Remind them they are going thru The Triple Whammy Of A Divorce Right Now......

The Three Most stressful things that can happen to you in a lifetime may be happening to you and/or them right now.......

This causing of extreme stress can ruin yours and their health and even kill you prematurely.

Newly Divorced Need to KNOW that learning to handle your divorce emotionally is not only crucial to your life right now but your overall long term health and survival.

Learn How To Cope...it is learned, we can help...... Hang in there....it gets better....soon.

http://divorcerecovery101.com

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right." - Henry Ford

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #74, 7/23/07

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The Most Miserable Day Of Your Life

All of us going through a divorce suffer and go through some pain in the process.

True, some more than others, which we will get into at another time. We can just visualize your quota of pain you have to go thru and experience and tell you that you can ration it out to make it more tolerable, and take a "little pain" for a very long time or you can really get into some devastating almost unbearable pain for a short time and get it over with.

If you go to your Doctor and tell him this divorce pain, is just too much "give me something" to make it bearable. He will, and certainly the pain will be less but it will likely hang around for a very long time.

If however you decide you are tough and can handle pain, and want to get it over with and get on with life.....then consider deliberately planning and setting up,

"The Most Miserable Day of Your Life"

  • Send the kids to grandmas,
  • Take the day off.
  • Take the phone off the hook.
  • Stock up on Kleenex
  • Dig out all your wedding pictures
  • Lay out all the love letters you got.
  • Start early, make it a full day.
  • Get out the vacation and travel photos you enjoyed together.
  • All the photos of you both together with the new babies.
  • The holiday and family pictures.


Spend the whole day pouring over these, remembering, crying, pound the table, really get into being miserable. (do not call or talk to anyone, do not answer the door.)

Most that I have interviewed that have gone through "The Most Miserable Day Of Your Life," tell me that about 3 or 4 in the afternoon they became bored and sick and tired of the whole thing and "decide" I just don't want to do this anymore.
They also told me it was the turning point in "letting go" of "what was' and "what might have been" and getting on with "going to be".

You could do this over the usual two years, mucking around with it, or you can do it in this one tough day.

GIVE UP...ON..."GETTING EVEN"

Quotable:

"Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. Forgiving means abandoning your right to pay back the perpetrator in his own coin,...but......
..... it is a loss............ that liberates the victim."

Desmond Tutu, Anglican archbishop of Johannesburg, and Nobel laureate. Janet ran the above quote in the Country Singles and Az Single Scene newsletters she edits, ( http://divorcerecovery101.com/divorcenewsletter.html ) and I thought it was such a good quote, that we should have by now, an article on the subject of "forgiveness".
However, when you think about it, the whole story and the lesson are all in the quote.

Read that quote again.

Who needs another article?
Divorce Humor with a Message

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix....they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed........
.... you find out you actually didn't really need it anyway.

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Bumper Stickers....

Hang in there...Even Moses was once a basket case.I am out of estrogen and I have a gun

Our Jesus is better than your Jesus

Regards,
Harlan L. Jacobsen

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Dating Again go here

Singles Talk "chat room" click here
Where newly singled get together to talk about it...

New Articles Just Posted
Happiness as a Single Person
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/happiness_as_single.htm
Article about understanding importance of happiness as a single. No how to, only understanding it.

Going Steady - Exclusive Dating
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/going_steady.htm
What "exclusive dating means" and the term going steady. Are you ready for it?...Maybe not.

Related reading...recently reformatted. Absolutely no Mate Hunting
If you are venturing out better read some cautions here.
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/matehunting.html

The Coming Apart Process
http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/coming_apart.htm
Understanding the coming apart process, and where are you right now?

Divorce Recovery
AZ Single Scene
Country Singles
Single Life Coach
Dating Again 101

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #73, 12/16/06



When you become involved in the divorce process it seems like your life has gotten to where you have next to no control of your own destiny..

If you turned your divorce over to an attorney that is almost the case. It is all very frustrating you find that almost nothing you can do right or say right now is going to change much on when and if the future direction of your life is to be determined.

It is this "out of your control" part of the divorce process that adds so much to the emotional adjustment.

In the past we have often suggested considering doing your own divorce and instead of "turning over" your divorce to where it becomes "theirs" you pay by the hour and hire legal help to do parts such as filing papers etc if you feel unqualified or need clarification on legal questions.

It is then still "your divorce" and you still 100% control it.

The schedule and the divorce itself then is controlled by you and if some part you are unable to do yourself or want done will be done on your schedule, not on when someone else feels like getting around to it, and only their way, if at all.

This legal aspect is another subject, not what the newsletter is about today, (though it is deeply tied to your emotional well being) and I suggest you read up on this in our legal section of our web site, those articles are pretty much tied together by reference.

When your world seems out of your control your life becomes "miserable", you become self obsessed and become inactive.

When you become inactive, physically you become depressed and you get into a self defeating downward spiral.

You become stressed in this divorce process and as a result of stress your immune system shuts down and you become fair game for all sorts of illness which in turn adds further to your downward spiral.

Some of the disease and illness may not show up for six months, but statistics show you are more then twice as likely to have an accident, and more then twice as likely to come down with a major illness such as cancer and/or die in the next year then if you had not had this major stress in your life.

If they had just not, then I would not have all this, and on and on.

Just as the problem with a divorce attorney, giving control over to them, you have to take back control of your life from your STBX.

If your STBX (soon to be ex) can do something today to make you unhappy, then you have continued to give control of your life to your STBX.

Happiness is an option, and you should decide who controls your happiness and it should be you. Your STBX can only make you unhappy if you give them permission.

Say that, how my day goes, is no longer controlled by my STBX. They do not control me and I do not control them, that is history.

I now control my own life and I am the one that can actually decide whether to be happy or not, I no longer let my STBX decide or determine that for me.

Happier people are much healthier, they are more successful, harder-working, caring, and over all much more socially engaged.

That is where I have decided to go.

My STBX in contrast can be as miserable for as long as they like, none of my business or concern. I no longer have any interest in any way of controlling that plus or minus.

After the divorce, I personally tried the "being miserable" you can say, got tired of it and I have now given up on that, it does not work.

Therefore I have now "decided" to learn how to be happy. and I am practicing and getting better at it every day.

Deliberately plan to be and show you are grateful to the people still in your life and around you. (you will enlarge the group soon)

Cut out perfectionism, as no one in this wonderful world of ours is perfect.

We have an article, which boils the secret lf learning to be happy to basically learning to give up on "expectations and demands". Learn how to change these to "preferences". I no longer insist or demand something happen a certain way or my day is ruined.

I no longer insist Junior get all A's on his report card. Prefer that he does, but if not it is okay.

Take time to help others, even those who are having a worse time then you with their divorce, anyone who needs help of any kind, get involved outside of yourself.

Forget regrets, forget what was or should have been, stay in the present and constantly reassess your priorities.

We call it give up on the what wases...and put all your attention and energy in the nows and making the gonna be's terrific.

Spend some time with other people...stop being alone all the time. Divorce recovery groups, go shopping with someone, any reason at all, purposely schedule, talk to and get out with others

You have been saving for a rainy day, this is it.

Schedule something to look forward to, a trip you always wanted to take or something you always wanted to do.

Spend some money on yourself and treat yourself exceptionally well right now, it is far cheaper then doctor bills.

How would you finance the medical bills and off work time? Use the same method, this will cost less.

Schedule some daily down time regularly to relax, work on a hobby or meditate. (learn mediation etc)

Figure out how to get some laughs in your life every day, it is essential therapy.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #72, 10/23/06

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This Divorce Recovery 101 Newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or unsubscribe, see below.

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Many newsletters arrive in my mailbox on many different subjects and it always irritates me when writers go on and on as to why their newsletter is late with a whole list of excuses and apologies.

Getting those irritates me, as a waste of my reading time, just get on with the newsletter.

However, today I am never the less going to give you my excuse, as to why I have not posted many new articles as usual nor have I been able to keep up timely newsletters.

Diabetes hit me at 76, and sort of disabled me for a while. I set all out to research how to keep diabetes from killing me (and others) and as a result of that research and self survival effort, I started a Diabetes newspaper and web sites to share what was "saving me".

(I now have my diabetes about 90% under control. without any medication etc.)

If you are a diabetic, (20% of population now are diabetic,) (was about 1% at turn of the century) you may find some of my research helpful and may even save or prolong your life.

Diabetes is an affliction you actually accumulate and the long term build up suddenly appears mainly late in life.. An additional estimated 10% of the population already have it and do not even know it, so beware, you may have it.

The last two months I have been researching what kills diabetics. (your life expectancy is cut in half).

Turns out it is not diabetes. 80% of Americans and 86% of diabetics die of degenerative diseases, which are diseases where you literally are killing yourself.

It is the result of this research and study, that I want to share with you since it may help save your life to understand this killer that I have spent months unraveling.

Go here

Our main diabetes web site is http://diabetescure101.com You might even want to subscribe to our diabetes newspaper, which I write 100% and covers what I have found to "fix" my diabetes.

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Found the following new divorce article (wrote in 2003) and posted it recently and I think you might find it helpful in your getting on with a new life.

The most devastating part of the divorce process, I always thought was the feeling your life was "out of control".

That no matter what you did you felt like you could not influence, direct or control it. Very, very upsetting and frustrating.

One of these out of control parts of your life in the process it occurred to me was you turning your divorce over to an attorney.

This for many turns out to be a necessary or almost necessary evil, that I found might be bent a little.

When you turn your divorce "over" by hiring an attorney you lose control. Now it becomes very frustrating because you are now totally at his or her whim. They do things, what and if they feel like it. it is now "their divorce" they own and control it.

What goes and when, now legal wise has become 99% out of your control.

Do it yourself divorce, you may be more inept, but you make the decisions as to when to act and as to what. Not nearly as maddening. (less crazy making)

You can hire a attorney to do parts of your divorce, (such as do the paper work) (advise you as to what to do etc) you do not have to "turn it over" to them, to where it becomes...."their divorce".

Wrote on that elsewhere which is posted on our legal section of the divorce web site so will say no more on that other then to think about that "life is out of my control" aspect of turning your divorce "over" to someone else totally.

Here is my new posting, (came across it, had written it in 2003 and never posted.) on sorting out what you have control of in your life and what you do not. Go here

In our classes we always handed out to everyone at some point a personal copy of the Serenity Prayer. Here it is....

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

The last line is the most important to get straight in your head, and is basically learning to "give up" and let go of what you no longer have any control of.

The hardest part to give up may well be "any remaining control" you think you should still have of your ex.

We keep telling you...throw in the towel...let em go..that is history...what was...water over the dam etc.

They are now just another person you encountered on your way down life's road.

When you do that and literally say "goodbye" it is like getting out of the muck, turning a corner, and heading down a new brighter road.

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If you attended my classes and would like to know what I look like now (30 years later) or have always wondered what the guy looks like that writes all this stuff...click here

A photographer came by and took some pictures for an article about me in the Chicago Tribune. (not appeared yet) and left me these photos he took so I share them with you.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #71, 09/26/06

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The Coming Apart Process, (Dance)

Most coming apart after years of marriage are very long, difficult and tedious.

In contrast if your ex left, let you know positively they were gone for good, it was a shock, but they did it right.

The problem is that is not the way most do it. One of you often get into something else going temporary or whatever that is really just a symptom that your relationship has died for that person.

Then that is not where its at so they say they want "to work it out". (back up in case the next one they have their eye on does not work out either.)

The leavor, does not have the courage to split clean and everybody get on with life.

They string you along, because they do not want any more hassle then necessary right now.

Never have I run into anyone that said to me I never should have left, I should have tried one more time....after they have gotten on with life....

They say, almost everyone, I wasted a good part of my life in the pits not knowing if my life was coming or going.

I should have moved on and cut it off and got on with life, the minute I had a clue it was over.

Okay, so heresy the scoop. If your marriage does not work out ( and right now it is obvious to even an idiot it is not) you get divorced.

Pay attention now....lets say you made a mistake, got a divorce and your life is not working and you think I should "have tried harder" or "one more time".

Get this..... when your divorce doesn't work out...you can get remarried for Ten bucks.

I see a lot of people that are so used to a relationship, that even though it is killing them...they can not stand being a part.

So they go back and try it again and again. Each time they remember why it was they came a part in the first place and split again.

Some couples I have seen do this as much as four times before they succeed in getting apart. That is what I call the coming apart dance.

Lets face it, it is over and you know it is over. Face reality, deal with it head on....right now.....

Simple formula. Decide you are cutting off all contact with your ex, for three months. (refuse to talk about anything, other then arrangements on the children. Anything else you will cut off the conversation or phone call etc immediately.

Explain this to your ex...do not say I think maybe....say my sanity and getting on with life I HAVE DECIDED for the next 90 days you are not to contact me.

At the end of the 90 days, I will inform you if I want to extend this for another 90 days or more or forever.

Any important contact with me, you will have to be thru my attorney or my sister or who ever you appoint.

Any divorce settlement offers etc. (if you are not using an attorney) will need to be in writing and mailed to you.

Here after refer to them when discussing with others as "My Ex" even though the divorce is not final. They are no longer your spouse. You have ENDED that.

Legal papers follow.

This will quiet down all the butterflies in your stomach and hereafter they will fly in formation. You will not believe all the good this simple change will make in your life.

It will do more for your life then $2,000 dollars worth of therapy.

You have been removed from "Crazy Making" and returned to sanity.

You now have a goal. Getting on with life. Tonight, you sit down with a tablet and start the outline for the script.

Across the Top Of the page, write "Your life ACT TWO."

Subhead:
What I am beginning to see I want to have happen in Act Two.

Make no small plans.... In future issues we will tell you how to make it happen....

How others have done it....and....you can too.

Right now all you have to do is deicide what you want to have happen in act two and get it written down where you can see it.

Remember, a year from now I expect you to write me and tell me your divorce was the "best thing" that ever happened to you.

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Go here http://singlestalkshop.com and start a conversation or join in an ongoing divorce support group discussion. This is Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" and is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.

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Ready to consider start dating again? Get up to speed. Go here: http://datingagain101.com

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Send this newsletter to a divorcing friend. Every little bit helps.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #70, 07/10/06

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This newsletter is sent Free only to Divorce Recovery 101 subscribers. To subscribe or unsubscribe see below.

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Some of our readers may be past the "shock" of splitting and are busy getting on with life. Please forward this issue to a newly divorced acquaintance or friend that can use a little help and understanding. We will be back taking up your position in future issues.

Getting Past The Trauma And Shock Of Divorce.

It makes little difference whether you are the leavor or the leavee, ending a long term relationship ending takes some mental processing.

What the leavee does not understand is that very often the leavor has been processing this idea of splitting for months or even years.

The leavee in contrast is often surprised and even shocked to learn of it and has to start processing what has happened from scratch.

Therefore do understand your STBE (soon to be ex) if the leavor, has an advantage, in that they have already "adjusted" of the idea of coming apart, if they are the leavor since they did not leave on the spur of the moment even though it may appear that way) they have thought about it for some time.

What I am bringing up to you is that you need to catch up on adjusting to the idea of the relationship ending if you are the leavee, and if you are the leavor you will better understand that your STBE needs time to adjust, since you have a head start on processing the concept of being apart.

By the way, to keep track of this leavor and leavee thing, the "or" added on to a word, is the one that does it to you, the "ee" is the one it is done to.
Example: Leasor; is the person that leases it to you and the leasee is the one that gets the lease.

Processing The Surprise Long Term Ending.

As a normal "go thru the pain process" it can take a full two years for you to fully accept what has happened to you, deal with reality and get on with a new and better life.

We say life is too short, you should not waste a second longer then necessary to work thru and move on and get past this.

Sure, you do indeed, "deserve" to be miserable for a while, you earned it. Look what they did to you etc, etc.

Okay, you want to impress your STBE what a bad thing and how terrible a blow it was, how unfair and undeserved their leaving and how badly it "hurt you."

How you did everything wonderful, were a model spouse, and everyone should know it was not your fault, you were caught totally unaware etc.

That if you promptly adjusted and got on with a new and better life, without this big display of how miserable you were made by this action the friends would all think it was your idea and your fault, so you have to put on this big "I really got hurt" by this.

Sort of an expected accepted "divorce mourning" procedure, like the widow should wear black for two years to show how important life together as a team was to you and a respect for "what was".

The First Step In Processing The Pain

First of all, the main problem I see is that many get hung up in the first stage.

They do not deal with reality.
The will use excuses to postpone dealing with the truth of the matter, like.....

Maybe they just need breathing room, they will come to their senses and come back.

The STBX said last week, blah blah, which sounds like if this doesn't work out, maybe they will be back.

This is a result of their trying to ease you down gently and leave you "hope" as better then nothing, (actually it is far worse) instead of having the guts to being honest with you.

That is where you are kidding yourself.
You can never put humpty dumpty back together again, what "was" is over.

It does not matter if it takes you two years to realize and figure that out or two minutes it is still over. So do not waste months to wake up and deal with reality.

You have better things to do then beat on a dead horse hoping it will come back to life.

Bury it and move on, before it really starts to smell up your life.

How long you muck around with this, is how long it is going to take for you to get over and process your divorce and move on to the bigger and better next phase of Act 2 of your life.

You just graduated from, and the curtain just came down on Act One.

Second Step Is Realize It Is A Process.

There are steps you go thru and one thing to realize is that you normally want to keep right on repeating and doing what is "familiar".

Your life is basically a series of living habits. When you can no longer do what you have always done, it is very upsetting.
You are here now, going to be basically changing your overall lifestyle. You would have kept on doing what you have always done.

Now with divorce, you "have to change".
You are angry because you did not want to be "made" to change.

Therefore we say you need to look at your life and make some changes and improvements that you likely should have made years ago but did not do so because of habit, you tended to want to keep doing what you have always done.

Looking back a year from now with your new lifestyle improvements, we want you to be able to say, my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sounds crazy now but here you are close to zero, you can change and go any direction with your life you like.

You will make many improvements that you would not have otherwise made.

Choose wisely, make no small plans.

The process of working thru and accepting what has happened to you is getting rid of the trauma that is sitting as a "big unprocessed lump" in your operating system processing room.

This visualization I list here helps you understand you have to work on this lump of unresolved divorce trauma, and get it to go away so it does not interfere with your processing your new life.

The way you do that is to deal with it.
Ignoring it is a mistake. Undisolved, it will affect and hamper the rest of your life's decisions and actions.

There are two ways to sort this malignant lump out and file it away harmlessly in your big processing room.

We have many articles on this and suggest you read thru them.

Number One, Talk It Out.

You need to hear yourself talk about what has happened to you. Every time you talk about it, another little part of the "unresolved blob'"makes sense and if is filed away.

It makes no difference whether you pay a pro counselor or you talk to friend or even a stranger.

Talk it out with all of them, that will help. You need to talk it out.

This is one of the reasons attending a divorce group, if operated correctly, is important. You get to talk it out.

You may need to talk about it, let us say 800 times to resolve it and file it away harmlessly, as an example.

When there is really no part of it you need to talk about any more, then you have "adjusted" to the end of your marriage and the affect of divorce.

The blob has been sorted out and filed harmlessly away.

Today I Want To Add In Journaling As Method Number Two To Resolve (or disolve) The Interfering Remaining Blob.

An unresolved blob means to your survival system that you are in danger, you are in new uncharted territory. This is what is known as STRESS.

Stress is a large part of the reason why most chronic illness develops.

If you read our articles on the subject you will find your chances of coming down with a major illness after a major traumatic even (stress) such as divorce are much greater than normal.

We suggest you treat yourself better then normal to prevent any major medical events and most of all work thru the unresolved "blob" as fast as you can so your body no longer operates in the "stress" mode.

There are many methods we suggest to overcome stress (including talking it out) and just one of the powerful interventions for stress is prayer.

If you do not have access to some advanced psychotherapy interventions you will find a written form of prayer called "journaling" very helpful, not only for working thru your divorce but for handling life in general.

This is where you write or type non-stop every day in your "journal" for about 30 minutes.

It is a long term proven powerful and profound healing technique. It is not necessary for you to save the written information and can delete or burn the document after it is written so you will feel free to write down whatever is concerning you (without worrying that someone else may see it).

When you talk it out you hear yourself talk about how you feel about it etc, and it is processed.

When you journal it, you see in writing what you think about something and it is then processed.

That is why it is not important to save it. It is in the writing it out that the help comes in making sense of it and processing what has happened to you and moving on past it.

Either way works and there is no reason you can not use both to speed the process.

Remember, you can do nothing and stay in your "poor me" position for a couple of years, or you can move on down the road, get on with a new second chance for a great life in a short time.

Waste no time. Make big plans and move on to bigger and better, but you do have to work at it. It is a "do it yourself" project.

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Send this newsletter to a friend going thru divorce. Suggest they subscribe free for their own copy each issue.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #69, 06/05/06

DO YOUR FRIENDS FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR DIVORCE?

Well, many of your married friends do not know how to handle it.....

Do they call and say (some do) "sorry to hear about your getting a divorce".

Many of your married friends handle it like you handle a friend that is dying...you should go see them but you just don't know how to handle it so you just keep putting it off.... and then before you know it,......it is too late.

or .....

Many of your married friends feel what you have may be catching so if they do not deal with it maybe it will just go away...

You feel these married friends now ignoring you are like rats deserting a sinking ship....who needs em...

People that desert you just at the time of the greatest need in your life to have friends, these could not have been true friends you think... so the married friends literally evaporate.

Nobody seems to really care that you are devastated... Not even your ex. You try over and over to impress them how badly they hurt you....

Not impressed .....just keep right on doing their new thing....

They just did not leave right.... Life is not fair....and splitting up is never fair....

Nobody ever leaves a marriage right....they have no experience and did not buy the "leave right" book.

Nobody including your ex...comes out of a divorce emotionally scott free... and none ever do leave right...so do not expect yours should have, they did not know how...if there is a right way to leave.

but this is not a contest..over who is or turns out to be the most miserable....

Once in a blue moon, you hear from a friend that says... glad to hear about your divorce. You should have gotten out of that marriage years ago...

That is pretty rare.... and then you go to one of my classes and this guy is cold hearted non compassionate...

he says.... I assume you have completed your two allotted days to be really miserable, that is why you came to the class. Life is too short to waste any more time on it, then that....

If you have not...go home...spend a day digging out all your love letters, the wedding pictures...everything... stop taking your tranquilizers...

Now get ready for the most miserable day of your life. take the phone off the hook....don't answer the door.... go thru all this stuff...all day long...do nothing else, get into being really really angry and miserable...why me... cry, beat the wall, proclaim life is just not fair..etc.

do the whole thing..... don't miss any little detail you are angry or crushed about...

Get it over with..... about four in the afternoon...you will say to hell with this...

this is not getting me anywhere.... I am done with this being miserable business..

That is the day.....your "GRADUATE" from your starter marriage.

You shut the door to what was...

and for the first time you can move on to the bigger and better.....

and you open a new door to the... Wow Nows and........ the Great Gonna Be's.........

Your problem is you have been dribbling out the miserables.... You have been just a little miserable and angry about your divorce for a long time.....

The solution..... take a day off and really get into it...

have..... THE MOST MISERABLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE.....

and .... get it over with.

What I was really searching for was a way to help others work thru your divorce in a short time.. I noticed that some people that were in my classes did it in a short time, that actually had a really devastating situation, and others that had a rather unemotional come a part situation took up to two years to get back to anything like a normal life.

Noticed that those on tranquilizers, a prescription that their doctor used to "fix" their divorce and get them out his office in 15 minutes... (doctors never try to cure any illness, they just treat symptoms...)

I noticed early on......... that those on tranquilizers seemed to not progress thru the recovery process...they seemed frozen in the, "well, I can tolerate it stage."

After observing this sort of thing I figured out there were two ways...be a little angry and miserable for a long time...or be really miserable and get it over with.

Ready to move on....

The other part of this formula that worked...is you think you have to completely process what has happened to you in your big processor... If you have it tied up processing over and over this no solution...(what went wrong problem) where there is no answer, you can not handle life....

Your processor is overwhelmed with an insolvable, problem it runs literally night and day and is getting nowhere and your life is not workable in the meantime.

Give up.....you are processing a worthless no answer problem...if you were a genius... you can not solve this problem...

GIVE UP...on the what wases.......that does not matter... even if you could solve it the solution is of no consequence anyway..

You are never going to go thru that part of your life again... done with ..history...waste of time rehashing...you can not learn a thing...the next chapter is entirely different....

You need 100% of your mental processor time to analyze and research, find your options and chose wisely, and clarify what decisions...you need to make immediately to have Wow Nows and for Great Gonna Bes.

Do not waste another minute analyzing the "What wases."

By the way....

Congratulations on successfully "graduating" from your "starter" marriage and moving on to a bigger and better life.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #68, 03/18/06

1. Writing a short course, "Divorce Recovery in a nutshell" is our aim here.

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Every issue however we have new readers, many just newly divorced and in writing a newsletter we have a problem of not boring the well along with their adjustment folks when we write primarily for those still in the crying early stages of their divorce.

Divorce can be a turning point in many lives, where you are brought up short and take inventory of your life, and say, hey do I need to keep going the same direction my life was going and try and go back an repeat what I had, or is this a chance to re-evaluate what is important and just perhaps this is a one chance to go a whole new direction that you never thought possible before.

What I try to do in newsletters is bring up what seems to be gaps in what you are picking up from our web site. Actually, we have covered a great deal in 35 years of writing on the subject and about a third of it is posted. We may get back to posting more but the last 9 months, I have been devoting much of my time researching and trying to survive diabetes, just like once (twice actually) I was researching trying to figure out how to best survive and move on to a better life after divorce.

Now, I have a website and newspaper on "curing" diabetes. (curing mine, is my goal) they say it is uncureable. When I started in the divorce thing I was sort of classed as evil, helping out and encouraging people who were getting a divorce and destroying holy marriage vows. Anybody that did that was a "bad" person. Divorcing people should be punished and made as miserable as possible was common thinking.

Now my website on diabetes and newspaper report on any cures or basically again like in divorce, "what works" in getting past it. Anyone that uses the word "cure" in regard to diabetes is considered a "charlatan" out to take advantage of the public.

No media will as a result carry a press release on the very existance of a newspaper devoted to a "cure" for diabetes. You are ostrasized. No established diabetes traditional web site will link to my web site. With no links verifying my site is an important source of information for diabetes, search engines put you far down the list in searches and you get practically no referrals.

This is what divorce work used to be like, it has gotten a lot better. It is now "okay" to be divorced. In fact if you are 30 and never married, (at least once) you are suspect. A divorce is sort of a reference. You had or were able to maintain at least one relationship for some time.

You are no longer considered "damaged goods". You have likely "grown" as a person, and the former relationship, right for you years ago has been "outgrown". You are ready for "bigger and better" and you are "moving on". You are expanding your options.

Actually, you may not have volunteered for this moving on thing.....but the more you think about it, sounds like a good idea.

Therefore it is now "respectable" for me to help you here to "move on" to bigger and better.

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2. Our Divorce Web Site Needs To Be Better Organized, and Easier To Find What You Need At The Moment

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The search the entire site, feature on the home page http://divorcerecovery101.com helps but even I can not find what I am looking for sometimes, even though I know it is posted.

There are several series which help for someone new and I suggest to get from a bad place in your divorce to a good place in a shorter time, that you go thru the "Starting Over" Series as probably our best organized part of our site.

Not always our best final word on some subjects but the best organized.

Now, most people work thru their divorce over time, and many just go back and rerun their previous married life with a fresh partner and often wind up back here again, now completely convinced there is something wrong with them.

My goal has been to offer "hope" of a better life soon, and to get you there in the shortest possible time. I noticed right off that it was a great waste of using up the best years of your life being "miserable" as a result of a death of a relationship.

To do this I try to help you get you to take and develop a personal responsibility for your life success, not depending on 'being rescued" from the "miserables.

When your life success and happiness is under your control, no one can run off with it.

They can only "add to it".

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3. Divorce Recovery 101.com Is Designed As A Road Map To Get From The Worse Time Of Your Life To The Best Time Of Your Life

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We encourage you to use and refer to it like a map on a regular basis to keep you from wondering off on detours that can hold you up in getting on with your new life.

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4. Visit Our Newsletter Archives"

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Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every adjustment tip, trick, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 68 newsletters so far.
Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "moving on from divorce" strategies.

However, this wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "work through this in a shorter time with less pain" techniques, and step-by-step instructions you'll find make reading these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, growing as a single person, and exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.

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5. Send this newsletter to a friend

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Now you can help others that are going through the process. Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process. Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

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6. Tell Us What You Think!

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We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too!
Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanj-@webtv.net Please put the word "Divorce" in the subject line.

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7. Content for Your website or E-zine

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Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://divorcerecovery101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:

    a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
    b) You send a quick e-mail to Harlanjacobsen-@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
    c) You include the following byline at the end of each article: You can use as small a text as you like for this part.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many with classes, seminars, 35 year newspaper on the subject as well as on the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and better life in a shorter time. His website http://divorcerecovery101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in their moving on from this major life change.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #67, 02/13/06

The Financial Pain Of Divorce

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Very often low finances were part of the problem in marital discord before it even got to divorce. Now with divorce in the picture we are potentially pouring gasoline on the financial flames.

Divorce can be the biggest financial disaster of your lifetime with neither spouse being a "winner", but both part of a financial catastrophe.

One of the reasons is one party or the other feels "betrayed" by some romance gone astray etc and will never trust them again on anything even though they are now trying to do the right thing in this coming apart process.

Or worse yet is trying to seek revenge by "taking everything they have" etc. This winds up with the revenge person shooting themselves in the foot so to speak. 

What happens often is the finances were not covering a one home situation adequately (quite often) and suddenly it is being expanded to support a two home situation. Needless to say there is going to have be some lowering of standard of living and it is always the other person that needs to lower it, not you.

This standard of living lowering is going to bring on some bitterness.

This is the overall atmosphere that brings us to "settling" your divorce. 

Actually, judges and attorneys are basically lazy... They would just as soon you settle it and just bring in what you have agreed on and have them look it over as sounding fair to both parties, sign it...and get you out of their hair, no hassle.

With the previous animosity hanging out there that is not likely or easy. 

However, if you get educated on the subject and not have all these wild ideas and misconceptions about the process ( and get your STBX to do so, we are half way there. (that stands for Soon To Be Ex-spouse in case your not yet on to divorce lingo)

We have written a lot on the subject and suggest you read every bit of it. 

What you do here at this point in your divorce can affect your life for years. Some want out so bad, they will agree to anything, just get this divorce over with. 

They regret that hasty decision or statement for years. Others are so afraid they are being taken advantage of they will agree to nothing reasonable or fair.

So we want to avoid those two extremes. This is why the more you understand the coming apart industry...( it is one ) the better off you will be.

If worse comes to worse here is a site I ran into that has a divider upper program that may work so keep that list printed out as one of your tools to help settle your divorce. (a copy for the STBX might be good too.) http://www.divorcehelp.com/shortcourse/C56.html

Now our site has a lot of articles on the divorce coming a part process and you might start here to review your options.

The divorce process itself does not do you as much emotional damage as the fear of what's around the corner you may get blind sided with that causes much of the emotional stress. Therefore by being fully aware of the process your fears are sort of done away with. 

http://divorcerecovery101.com/starve_lawyers.htm

We have at the bottom of each of our articles links to many more so you can go on down the list. We have a whole series and you can start with..... Legal Answers Not Always Solutions, Arithmetic Often Beats Legal Answers 
An article by an esteemed Guest Author, Anne Kass, - a retired District Judge of Albuquerque, New Mexico http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/kass33.html She has written many articles and we have posted her whole series and we consider them solid background for getting you up to speed in understanding the divorce industry operational system.

Should you date before your divorce is final? that's a question...read here http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/legal_hazards.html

The biggest point in your dating before the divorce is final, is sometimes this sets off an explosive hostility in getting your ex to agree to anything that has to do with moving the divorce along.

Other then that...personally I would say full speed ahead, but do read the article.

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Now we discovered in my classes on divorce that most either gained a lot of weight as a result of their divorce or some lost weight. 

I lost weight...in my splits...but I have not had a divorce or relationship break up for so long now I had gained 60 pounds. Also I got old... a very poor combination.

To make a long story short as a result was diagnosed with severe diabetes. Cut my life expectancy to six years over night.

Well as you know I did a crash program on learning how to recover from divorce and this one was even speedier. I have gone thru more information on the subject then almost anybody has done in a life time in the last 9 months. 

Just started on my 59th book and of course with the internet, reviewed hundreds of studies, opinions, advice etc.

Diabetes is supposedly "incurable". However my brother had it for five years including insulin injections and completely recovered and has no detectable signs of ever having had diabetes.

Anything my big brother could do I learned to do bigger and better so if he can do it so can i....Only thing is I have not figured out how yet for sure....

Progress so far...went off all medications in 45 days into...it ..controlling it with diet, exercise and food supplements. Lost 54 pounds and have only ten more to lose.

So if you are obese then you should read some of what I found out about that and what works. My diabetes web site is http://www.diabetescure101.com/ and also have a newspaper (costs for that one ) on the subject. If you have diabetes or have any love ones that are obese or have diabetes please have them take a look. We are hot after anything that works to eliminate our diabetes.

There are likely many of you that have weight problems (and divorce aggravated it) and will one day sort that out but the understanding that process is written up in the diabetes site because a big part of your getting diabetes is the extra fat around your waist and the cure is in part by getting rid of every bit of it.

Clue...men should have a waist under 42, and women under 35... above that and you are on the road to permanent diabetes that can and will kill you. 

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Hang in there...it is a lot easier when you have a road map. We are working on your road map every day. Remember and send this to any friend that is getting divorced (or has diabetes). Suggest they subscribe to this newsletter. It is free.

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Join others in the divorce process in our chat board, post room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost. http://www.singlestalkshop.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #66, 12/29/05

     How I Got Into This Broke an arm skiing when I was a kid and remember that was the most painful thing I ever had happen to me.... Could not sleep etc it hurt so much....and this was after the Doctor did everything he was supposed to be able to do.

    Years later I got divorced and I thought...holy cow....this is worse then breaking your arm. The pain was unbearable. Lots of people learning how to fix...broken arms and the pain.... but no one knew how to fix divorce pain....

You just had to get thru it on your own. There was not even anyone around that knew anything about it to tell you how long it was going to be before the pain went away... was it always going to be like this?

You do not have to break an arm to learn how to fix a broken arm.

To help fix a broken heart from divorce, it does help to know what you are going thru. When you tell me about what you are going thru I understand it, because I have been there done that.

Everything I have learned about what works in 32 years in helping you get thru divorce is pretty well written down and I know it is hard to absorb it off the printed page when you are in this stage.

We have about 100 articles yet to post on the web...but hopefully you can pick up some help from what we have up.....read a little every day. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com

Yes it is important, I really hope you can find a divorce recovery support group somewhere in your area. Inquire at one of your larger churches...(any brand, do not be particular about this) and if they do not have one maybe they know of one they can refer you to.... also try divorce counselors secretary, call and say do you know of any divorce groups in this area etc.? Also call the research dept at your local library and ask if they can find you the nearest one. If a long ways a way...go anyway. Someone there will likely know of one closer to your home, but you have to start somewhere.

By now most of you know.....divorce is a roller coaster of feelings, one day you are feeling higher then a kite, you are out of what was a mess and not working and the next day you are depressed or maybe I should say the next hour you are depressed, you long for what was....On this roller coaster just understand the bumps get smaller and less and less over time...you just have to hang on.

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    Why didn't it last? It seems that many getting divorced feel they were betrayed, that the marriage was supposed to last forever and it did not.

All of the fairy tales. back then..they were married and rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.

That's right, they were just that, fairy tales... and when most of them were written their life expectancy was under 30 years. So forever was not all that long.

Now lets further discuss the forever thing" that comes in the marriage vow......Most had a bringing up with the fairy tales "that they lived happily ever after'....and the marriage vow written during the short "forever" era, was just one of the ways the expectancy became ingrained. That if it was not forever it was not any good.

If a marriage did not last forever it was assumed a betrayal of the marriage vows that said, "forever".

The fairy tales never said they lived happily for two years and then she ran off with the washing machine repairman....which was reality.

Not getting into the whole thing....you seeing all these other married couples that are still together, but many are still together that should be a part because the relationship has died.

The fact they are still together is misleading you into thinking they are all happily together. Dr. Ferson in San Francisco had his graduate students interview hundreds of couples who had made it to the 50 year anniversary.....as I recall, hoping to find the key to what made relationships last.

Turned out the couples were not what they appeared to be... something like 80% of them actually to a degree, hated each other and the interviewers were in shock.

So the happy couple you are envious about as the "still married" you are looking at as comparison are not necessarily really a happy relationship as you think it is...

They just have not had the guts to come a part, it appears.

One of the recent statistics I have recently seen, said the interviewers when one spouse interviewed said they were happily married, 27% had a spouse that said they were unhappily married...so these are probably next years divorces...

aha....you do not deal with death....one or the other is going to have to deal with that...some several times...the guy across the street from where I reside is on his third wife....the other two died on him...

So whether he believed relationship are forever or not....he does realize they are all temporary now...

Biggest evidence that all relationships are temporary is looking back...how many relationships have you had so far?

Think clear back to high school, Up till now have you had any permanent ones?

Did you try hard to make them last? What about the other person....? Did you both succeed?

What makes you think future relationships will be different? The error I am trying to get people to correct is erroneous programming belief that relationships are forever and they are therefore needlessly greatly disappointed and crushed when they do not live up to that erroneous expectation, no matter how many times it happens they still cling to it....

They like to hang on to the fairy tale....they do not like to hear or deal with reality as I spelled it out for them..

So whenever I did the "all relationships are temporary thing" in my classes I always had some very upset people. They just did not want to hear that.

Once you get that reality thru your head, however, you are not wiped out when a relationship ends.

All relationships are great while they last, sure, but you have a "demand" that they last forever or they were not any good.

Thinking back you graduated from high school, it was great while it lasted, but it ended. You maybe tried to extend it but there was no way. So you accepted it was over.

Here...One of you likely "graduated" (outgrew) the relationship.

One of the high-test suicide rates is the day when people graduate from college. They now had this great new life ahead of them but it was unknown. What they had previously was known and comfortable and they did not want it to end and it did..

That is the way with relationships. It was not perfect but it was a known quantity and comfortable.

and you have to give that up involuntarily for the unknown which is scary.

Even though what lies ahead may be far better, you are bitter you are forced to move on. How could they do this to me?

This all boils down to a thing called expectations and demands that is a concept that if you can get thru your head and accepted will change your life.

You expected and "demanded" that your marriage last forever, and it did not.

Result, your life is "ruined". You are absolutely crushed.

If your programming had been changed to I have no "demands" in life, I only have expectations, the result is entirely different.

I expect my marriage to last forever, but if it doesn't, that's okay, it was great while it lasted. How it affects you is completely changed.

If I have the "demand" that Junior gets all A's in school and he gets "B's" my day is ruined and I ruin Juniors too.

The changing your demands to expectations concept as I said will change your life and those around you. It probably takes a book to get this change made and maybe not even then.

At least you are now aware of it and it is a "life change" option that now would be a great time to put into practice to where it becomes an automatic part of your life.

The formula: ....... you give up on having "demands"...

So from here on in your new life (the one where you are completely in charge for the first time) from here on you have only "expectations", you have given up on "demands."

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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If you have a friend going thru divorce please e-mail this issue to them.

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Join others in the divorce process in our chat board, post room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost. http://www.singlestalkshop.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #65, 12/13/05

Happy holidays, especially to all of you that are still affected by your divorce and to those of you of who have just realized that the part of your life that is considered "what was" is over. That it is already time to get started with a new and better life and are now concentrating on the "gonna bes." That was a tongue twister, and we have tried to help along the way.

To stay in the Christmas spirit, here is our annual Christmas story, Go here

Been a little difficult to keep up, with my usual businesses and publishing as well as web sites, you need to know I am now 77, (not an excuse) and was diagnosed with Diabetes about eight months ago.

Diabetes cut my life expectancy in half, and I was not and am still not ready for that, I have a lot of work to do yet.

Since I have always been a "problem solver" (Divorce was a big problem (2) for me as you know) I set out to research and find a solution to what the Doctors tell you is incurable and all you can do is postpone (delay a little) the complications such as blindness, loss of feet and hands, kidneys, from nerve damage everywhere etc and that 80% die prematurely of circulatory and heart related illness.

Took me over 7 months, over 40 books, perussing hundreds of medical studies on Diabetes and neuropathy, (I have neuropathy as a result of the diabetes) (foot problems) (almost cured it however).

In my mind (my view) I have solved on how I should handle Diabetes and neuropathy to get back to where I was. I am now off all medication and well on the way to being out of it... (Lost 46 pounds to date)

You may have diabetes, have a friend who has diabetes (type 2) or someone who is obese and is in danger of becoming a diabetic. I have worked out that diabetes and obesity are twin symptoms (not the real disease) (just dual symptoms of the real cause) and are caused, reversed. cured and prevented by understanding the cause and doing what is necessary to stop it.

Here is the web address http://diabetescure101.com You may want to subscribe to the newspaper version, (we need subscribers). Be sure and read the article The real cause, and remember that the web site is not finished yet. There are some unwritten pages but will get to them soon as I can.

This well may sound like a diabetes newsletter but believe me I still write a divorce newsletter and still consider it very important.

Want you to know that I have not forgotten you and am merely trying to work to fix my diabetes (medical community will not) so that I might be able to stay around longer to do another ten years worth.

Once again, all the best to you for the Holidays and in your new life and in the New Year.

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Here is a news release I received just before press time so I pass it on to you.

Research studies on separating, divorcing or divorced families. Are you dealing with divorce or separation? Are you a parent with a child or children under 18? Inflexxion, Inc is looking for participants for studies researching how families adjust to divorce and separation. The studies are funded by the National Institutes of Health and can be completed from your home. Each family could earn between $160 to $195 for 4 - 6 hours of time. See our website at http://www.divorcestudies.com Contact us at 1-800-848-3895 X290 or email divorce@inflexxion.com

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #64, 11/06/05


When Does It Get Better?

For those currently in the "shock" stage, "is this really happening to me" start of the process, it seems at the time that it will always be like this. There is sort of a time distortion that makes it seem like it is taking forever and will never get better.

Some writers on the subject come up with a long list of stages you go thru. The only problem I see with that is we do not all go thru them in the same order.

Most who have gone thru the painful process and are now on the other side of the pain often do not want to even talk about it. It was a bad part of their life and they would just as soon forget that it ever happened and nearly wiped them out.

They are now past all that and do not want to even be reminded of it.

Just be assured you are not alone. No matter how intelligent you are, how many degrees you have, how powerful you are in the business or political world, divorce is going to hit you just as hard.

At the time you are going thru it you often honestly believe you have been going thru he worlds most difficult divorce.

We all have our story about how bad our divorce was but here are two examples that I recall from my classes. there were many but these two I happen to remember.

One had tried everything to save the marriage and had finally gotten the spouse to go to a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter it was discovered the spouse was now making out with the marriage counselor.

Another story that stood out was an unsuspecting husband who lived in a trailer home in a nice trailer park. He kissed his wife goodbye and said goodbye at the door to his kids and rode off on the motorcycle to work so she could use the car.

Returning home that night he found the wife and kids gone, the car gone, the trailer home gone, (been moved) and a note pinned to the slab that says, John, I have decided to leave you, will be filing for divorce. It is not working out. Will contact you about where to pick up your stuff later.

This is an example of what I would call the "divorce shock" stage.

Apparently she did not want to go thru a big 'splitting' up scene so she took the easy way out.

Hardly ever does the leavor "leave right". Apparently they often do what is less painful for them but leaves the leavee in shambles.

Sure they feel guilty about it but just are not knowledgeable about how to end a relationship with the least amount of pain for both.

Once they have decided to leave, they have a problem in that you (they believe) are not going to accept it and are going to be a constant never ending hassle to try to keep them from ending the relationship.

If they leave the way they did they feel you will be forced to accept and admit even to yourself that it is over and realize it is truly over and get on with life. and....not make their life miserable for months trying to put it back together.

So maybe they did you a favor. Instead of cutting off the dogs tail a little bit at a time so it "does not hurt so much" they used a meat cleaver and it is over.

Sure, I know no matter how they leave, it is tough to handle. Even if you applauded when they left, it is still hard to handle. You still go thru many of the stages and it is going to affect you for some time.

Do not think the leavor got thru this without the pain. Their advantage is they had decided to leave long ago and have had months to get used to the idea and work thru much of this 'processing the concept" before they left.

Many ask how come my ex is getting on with life so soon and so much better in adjusting then I am. That is the answer.

They are six months along in their parting adjustment. You are still in "surprise" shock.

Six months from now, you will be where in the adjustment phase they are now..

Where Do You Go From Here?

We talk about how to make lemonade when life gives you lemons, there are road maps and recipes in our divorce site http://divorcerecovery101.com

You can even read thru past newsletter issues that may be a better fit for where you are right now in the process. Go here: http://divorcerecovery101.com/divorce_newsletter_archive.html

It really helps you to work thru the process to be able to talk about your divorce with and to others, what you are experiencing. Go to: http://singlestalkshop.com

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #63, 9/23/05

Fish Out of Water????


After being married for several years it is perfectly normal for you to feel very uncomfortable living life as a suddenly "single person", and indeed you very well may feel like a fish out of water.

If is also perfectly normal for you to "hate" and try to avoid as much as possible anything you are not familiar with.

You try everything in the book to get back to the familiar comfort of the known life, including an all out search for a replacement. (spouse that is)

Life as a married person was what we call on "automatic". You just went about your familiar life without really having to think about it. Everything just sort of came down the road in a familiar pattern and just sort of "flowed", (disregarding the coming apart turmoil there towards the last)

Becoming suddenly single and being all on your own is scary, can you survive?

We tell you that this becoming suddenly single is a lot like being dumped off in some foreign country and being told, "get used to it," you are likely going to live here for years and maybe even the rest of your life.

You do not know any natives, you do not know the customs or what is expected of you to get along here. You do not even know the language, (jargon) of living in single land.

Your old long term life married as we said was automatic. We use this term for anything or activity your subconscious has taken over running. Our examples are learning and driving a car, and things like learning to play a piano to any degree. A real hassle getting it all down and done right, with over and over repetition, it is not very long before you can drive down the road, listen to the radio, read the advertising signs along the road and talk to a friend all at the same time.

This is because the driving has been taken over by your subconscious and is on "automatic".

What was a strain in learning to play the piano is now fun. Now you just do it and enjoy it, you do not even have to think about it while you are playing it, . it is now on automatic.

Right now you are just on "practice" being single. the more you practice, get good feed back from a teacher, (an experienced successful single) the more successful your single life will become. and........

You will become comfortable in your new "foreign country" and may like it so well you see no need to ever hurry back to the old country.

Your new life will soon be on automatic and you can enjoy it now without that initial stress and hassle of getting on with learning how to live here and fit In...

Now to be successful and happy here you need to study a little and read up on it.. Learn what others have done to adopt and fit in, in a short time. The more information and education on the subject the happier your new life is likely to be.

Birds come in with a built in knowledge of how to build a nest. Human beings have none of this, they have to learn everything from those who came before them. Fortunately, you do not have to make all the same mistakes they made, you can learn from them.

Now you can choose to make all your own mistakes and learn the hard way...that is up to you. There are lots of good sources on how to lead a happy successful single life and we include hundreds of articles on the subject in our sites and it is all free and available to you 24 hours a day. There are a lot of good books at the library and the book store.

The main thing to understand is that when you went out for little league, you did not expect to hit a home run the first day. You have to go out and "practice" being single. Soon you get good at it. But remember to schedule a certain amount of "practice" each week.

Remember, you are not going to be good at it for a while. That it is expected to screw up and have bad days. That is part of your "practice" to learning how to become a successful single person..

When you go out in the world of other singles initially, go out with the idea that you are just practicing being single.

If someone asks you to do something you are not ready for, just say I am new to this being single and I do not think I am ready for "that yet", catch me later.

Right now you are like the practicing the scales on the piano... a real pain right now but once you get it down to "automatic" and your subconscious, takes over, then your single life now becomes like the piano lessons, you graduate to enjoying it".

Now you can give up on the desperate search for an opposite sex person to rescue you from this strange single land to take you back to the "familiar" known married life.

Now your relationship with the opposite sex is if it works and adds to your new life, is count me in. If it does not....who needs it.

This is all learned and is the subject of our dating again 101 web site. You might subscribe to that newsletter also.

Remember, everything you have done before many times feels comfortable and right". Anything new and for the first time feels a little "uncomfortable which does not mean there is anything wrong with it or should be avoided, it just means it is "new to you" and you need to go thru this stressful unfamiliar feelings and soon it will be comfortable and enjoyable familiar old stuff.

So go out where other singles are, get acquainted with others getting in practice being single, always ask them "what works for you" etc. Make notes, go some of the places they go, try some of the things they do and enjoy and just get out there and expand your 'comfort zone."

Do not expect to be good at it, just keep practicing...soon you will be good at it and have success and a happy new life with a whole support system of a new single "family" and friends.

Learn to make decisions on your own and as a happy successful single person take full responsibility for where your life is going by having sat down and figured out what would I like to have happen here in Act Two...with you being the director for the first time...

This time your parents are not planning your life, your spouse is not deciding what you do or what direction you go....you do...

One year from now.....if your new life is not working you wont be able to blame your parents, You wont be able to blame your spouse... Only you.....

Are you a grown up mature person now able to run your own life?

A year from now...you also get all the credit for all the wonderful new changes you have made in your life.

Lets get right to work on the "gonna bes".

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Chat with other singles going thru the process, at our http://www.singlestalkshop.com Ask them what works. Share what works for you. Open 24 hours a day, no charge, no signing up or no other requirements. Just be there.

Until next issue,
Harlan

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #62, 8/15/05

Turns out I could not decide whether the following message was more important to send to our Dating Again 101 newsletter or to my Divorce Recovery 101 newsletter subscribers.

Decided it was important for both so I am sending it to both.

Now a lot of our readers get both newsletters so some of you will have duplicates. Send one of them off to a friend either new to getting back into dating and dealing with people again, or someone who is struggling with their divorce.

and/or just read it the second time and/or just delete the extra one.... Thanks.

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Up until now you have likely looked on life as if you were a guest in this world.

You have still been waiting for others "to do it for you". Your happiness or unhappiness was and still is determined or controlled by the action or inaction of others

You have always wanted the world out there to give you accolades and make you the center of attention and importance. To make your life exciting and desire that all these people in contact with you and you know (or at least one) to really "do it for you".

Likely that philosophy did not really work for you before and likely since you became suddenly single, it is not working for you now.

Therefore today, we are going to tell you to upset your traditional life apple cart of expectations and demands..

If something is not working for you, they say insane people keep doing the same thing still expecting a different result.

You know better, so if what you have been doing and your life is not working, seriously look at the idea that maybe you should stop doing what you have been doing and taking a new direction.

Your success and overall happiness in the next part of your life will be primarily dependant on your interaction and relationship with other people.

This is the "tied to dating" part of this... how you deal and interact with other people. Recovering from divorce will be determined in a part on you getting a new support system of friends.

We tell you that when you do get your life working with the right interaction formula you will have all sorts of people that want to bask in the happiness sunshine of a relationship with you.

They will flock around and your job then will be to sort the wheat from the chaff...pick only those that add to your life as part of your inner circle.

That comes later of course but only if you get this down to where what we are teaching today becomes "automatic".

To get them all flocking your way so you can sort, and pick and choose, needs a basic change of life and how you relate to people.

Right now, others may look at their connection or contacts with you as similar with the contact and relationship of a dill pickle.

You learn here to treat everyone the same...not just those that you are interested in or can do you some good. Your new program on interacting with people will not only change you, it will give you the ability to change everyone you come in contact with every day for the rest of your life.

You sort only when you have too many people to keep up with and are overwhelmed.

So here we are not dealing today on how to shape up the world of people out there sorting those you like and are luke warm about and getting the "chosen" to relate to you in the way you want.

Nor are we telling you how to sort which people to treat a certain way to attract them to you.

We want to get your life on automatic to treat everyone this new way confident that in your doing so to everyone, a new happy life will flow back to you from all directions, you do not try to pre determine by whom or when or why or from what direction..

This a basic life change for you that will become an "automatic" part of you.

You will have to really work at this on manual "without fail" for 21 days.

On manual we mean you have to think about this consciously and expend effort to do it and get it right.

Like learning to drive a car....it was a real strain until you got it in your brain and on mental "automatic"... now you drive down the road happily without even thinking about it and expend very little effort to do so.

After that 21 one days of manual effort of getting yourself doing this, it will go on automatically with little of no conscious effort thereafter on your part.

You wont even have to think about it, it will just happen as after 21 days it has become a part of the "new you".

You life will be changed and those who come in contact with you, their lives will be changed.

This is the point, that if I was selling a book I would ask that you send in your $21.95 plus shipping and handling and we will send you the book on "how to do it."

Then ask that you wait by your mailbox.

Good news...

No waiting,

no $21.95 plus...

Here it is... http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/gift.htm

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                      M O R E
We talk about your new life at length in our articles and archives at our web sites.

Try http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and many others you will find linked there.

You will also find "questions and answers" on Divorce 101 lower right column link, and throw in your questions and concerns and you will get a fast response.

Also try our http://www.singlestalkshop.com where singles chat about single life.

Subscribe to our Free Divorce Recovery Newsletter, by sending a blank email to: divorce_recov-@topica.com

Subscribe to our Free Dating Again Newsletter, by sending a blank email to: dating_agai-@topica.com

If you would like to contact Harlan directly, please do not "reply" back using this autoresponder email, but send another email with the words "Divorce" in the subject line to harlanj-@webtv.net

Copyright 2005
Harlan L. Jacobsen
Divorce Recovery 101 and Dating Again 101
2019 South Minnesota Avenue
Sioux Falls
SD 57105

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #61, 7/25/05

More on the B L O B.
To help understand the mental processes involved in recovering from divorce and moving on to a great new life we explain this comparing your mental processor to a computer and some other things going on in getting from what may be the worst time of your life to the best time of your life in less then a year.

Last issue we brought up the "blob" which we explain as a big blob of unprocessed trauma arriving in your big processing and central file room where you visualize 1000 file cabinets of information of your life experiences so far neatly filed away but now not readily available for daily use because this big unprocessed blob from your divorce is sitting there in the way.

You do dumb things and have more accidents and life is a mess with the blob in the way of getting on with and processing a normal or better life.

So we told you that to get the blob cleared away so you can get on with life, you need to "talk it out" and have your subconscious processor (the big one) hear your conscious mind talk about it. As you talk about it and it starts to make sense little bits get filed away...

You can also write your thoughts on your divorce in a journal and as your subconscious sees your conscious mind writing it or talking it out, starts to make sense of it, sort it out and file it away.

The longer the relationship lasted before splitting, the less advance notice you had and overall how traumatic it was for you will have determined the size of the "b l o b" to be cleared away.

The point of the Blob discussion is so that you understand you need to talk about your divorce even if you have to pay a counselor big bucks, or attend a divorce recovery group, talk to Aunt Lucy or anyone at all to get it talked about, processing it and have it filed away and the blob gone.

That was pretty much review on what the "blob' does to screw up your life operating normally.

Let us move on now to "fight or flight". You and all of your ancestors have built in an automatic processor that looks at what is happening and compares it with what you have from previous experience or education on the matter on file in your big file room.

If nothing similar is on file in life experience or education on the going on thing in front of you, a silent bodily alarm sounds that connects to your body and does the following in getting you ready for a fight or a flight....(run out of here)

Speeds up your heart rate, ups blood pressure, shuts down digestion process as unessential right now....cuts down amount of blood supplied to your brain saving it for "fight or flight" which may come up shortly, shuts off your immune system and other bodily functions as not near as important as this "fight or flight" that may be in the works.

Now days they call that a "stress situation" when your bodily fight or flight alarm is keyed up.

Think back now, you inherited this system because over time only your ancestors that had a good fight of flight alarm lasted long enough to have children which eventually got down to you.

Remember the alarm is turned on because your big computer found nothing on file on how to handle this, or the blob was in the way and could not get at the files.

When you are under constant alarm hours daily it takes a toll on your body and health and as far as thought processes you are not operating with a full deck..remember, diverting the life juices to your muscles. You inherited a mental computer program that gears you up for fight or flight and operates automatically.

Remember, this all new situation of your divorce and your surviving the divorce is all new and you have nothing on file from past experience to cover this so your bodily fight or flight alarm gets turned on a lot.

You can not or do not fight and you can not run (flight)

This Alarm ON a lot and not using it (not running) eventually causes some of the following.

    1. Your immune system is shut down for long periods and you are much more likely to come down with a major illness.

    2. Your thinking ability is short changed and you do dumb things.. (this is why we tell you to make no major life decisions during the recovery process.)

    3. Your normal food digestion system now knotted up is gravely affected and you either stuff more food down to make it feel better, or stop sending food down because it feels bad like it is not working. You as a result normally either gain a lot of weight or lose a lot during this period..

    4. Your heart rate and blood pressure rising put you in medical danger.
We have many articles on this divorce process that explain all this in greater length at our web site. http://divorcerecovery101.com click on site map.

Here I am just giving you some highlights on how this divorce process is handled by a normal person and trying to help you understand it. We also have many articles on how to get your body out of the divorce fight or flight alarm. We suggest you read up on it including "How your divorce can kill you". Many of these articles are part of the "Starting Over" and other series.

NEXT LET'S START ON THE AUTOMATED SYSTEM TO PUT YOUR NEW LIFE ON 'AUTO PILOT' WITH LITTLE OR NO STRESS. Let me explain the part of your mind that does things and controls your body without your thinking about it and does it very well automatically once trained.

First example: Learning to ride a bicycle. Initially you had to think when it goes that way I lean this way..turn this, this way, and you had a hard time keeping that bike upright. You manually had to make a lot of decisions. Once your subconscious learned how to do it...you thereafter rode your bike without thinking about it...balancing very well. Your bike riding was on automatic...handled by that part of your brain.

Next example: Learning to drive a car. It was a real strain, you had to remember to push this in while you shifted that and then you had to remember to give it some gas at the right time.

The first few times was very strenuous. Then your subconscious "automatic" section took over and now you can drive, talk to some one, listen to the radio and all be enjoyable as your automatic system drives you down the road.

Third example: Learning to play the piano. It was a real sweat, having to run up and down the scales and learn manually what to push when for how long etc etc. If you stuck with it long enough...your subconscious picked it up and soon you could make music on the piano automatically while you talked to someone even. Once automated, it just flowed and became fun.

If you were married for ten years you likely pretty much had married life on automatic.

You could do most of it without even thinking about it....

HERE YOU ARE SUDDENLY SINGLE....
All alone now, when you were well programmed for married. Everything you do now as a single "all alone person" is on manual and is a real sweat....

You hate it.. You naturally want to get back to what was "automatic" and just flowed.

NEXT ISSUE ...GETTING YOUR NEW LIFE ON "AUTOMATIC" TO WHERE IT JUST FLOWS WITHOUT A GREAT EFFORT AT ALL.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #60, 7/18/05

How long will it take you to recover from your divorce?
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO CLEAR OUT THE B L O B?

The easiest way to understand one of the major things that keep you locked up with the divorce process ruining this portion of your life is to explain the BLOB.

Anything traumatic or very stressful, let's say, creates an unresolved blob in your big mental processor. Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic "my life is out of my control" things that will happen to you in your life time.

Visualize that your mental processor has 1000 file cabinets placed in a big circle. These file cabinets contain everything important or traumatic that has ever happened to you.

In every day life when you have something happen to you your big computer compares it to what you have on file similar, let's say in these 1000 file cabinets. When you have nothing similar or something that caused you a lot of problems in the past you try to avoid the new thing because you have nothing on file, or a bad experience with something similar so you have an alarm go off that says speed up my heart rate...shut down digestion, etc. We may need lots of energy to run.

Now comes divorce or some trauma that causes a large blob dumped right in the middle of your file room and it is not processed. It interferes with your life because you can not readily get to your life experience files. So you do crazy things or refuse to do normal things because you are "upset" (over blobbed) over your divorce etc.

This helps explain why your chances of having an accident after your divorce have tripled...why your chances of coming down with a major illness are much greater then normal etc. which we explain in other articles.

Because of the unprocessed divorce blob is screwing up normal processing action in your big mental file room.

To get your life back to normal..... you have to clear out this mental blob blocking normal processing in your big file room....

Some people clear out the divorce trauma caused blob in short order and divorce no longer affects their on going life processes.

Others take years and some few never get rid of the divorce "blob" in their big file room.

Now the formula to clear out the blob.

Your processor can not get this handled processed and cleared out until you talk it out...

Your subconscious needs to hear you talk about it....to make sense of it and figure out how to start scooping the BLOB out of here.

How long it takes to clear it out and process it and file it away with your other life experiences is mostly determined by how many times you talk about it.

Let's say you withdraw from the world and go live in a cave by yourself for a year after your divorce.

When you come out of the cave a year later you will still have almost the full blob still screwing up your life.

Back to the formula. I think in my case I had to talk about my traumatic loss of a relationship an estimated 700 times. Not sure what your figure is going to be but it will be determined in part by how traumatic the experience was.

At that time I would bring it up anytime I had any one that would stand still. They all eventually avoided me...they did not want to hear any more about it.

After a time I would only talk about it to someone who asked and eventually it was such old stuff I did not want to talk about it at all even when someone asked.. it was just no longer of any consequence, it was ancient history.

The blob was gone and filed away neatly in my 1000 file cabinets of life experiences.

I had surpassed my estimated 700 talk about it times and the blob was gone.

Who do you talk it out..with? that is the problem. You go to your mother and she cuts you off with, "I will have you know we have never had a divorce in this family".

You need to understand that it really does not matter who you talk it out with. However....a pro counselor knows how to listen and knows that is what you need to do.

So you go to a counselor and pay $50 bucks an hour and you do all the talking. The counselor says things like "I hear you saying that you feel this way about this" etc. and is not offering you advice, the counselor is just listening and keeping you talking about it..

When you get all done you say here is your $50 and you really helped a lot.

You go down to the local pub and talk to the bartender about your divorce. If he is busy he won't have time to listen.

Many cut you off, they do not want to hear about it...and who can blame them.

That is why I strongly keep suggesting you find a divorce support group. There you can talk about it and everybody listens and understands. In a good well run divorce group, the primary activity is talking about your divorce process...hearing yourself respond and talk to others about your version of divorce.

Every time you talk about it....another part of the blob starts to make sense and gets filed away.

Conclusion: Hiding out and hoping it will all go away does not work. If you have to pay for counseling to get it out and talk about it do so.

You may discover you have some old blobs left over from previous traumatic events that are also still in the way of getting a normal life.

Every bit of talking them out will contribute to your getting your life back and get the blobs worked down and filed harmlessly out of the way.

(in addition to talking it out...keeping a journal where you write down and enter your thoughts each day about your divorce, will also work well. Hearing yourself talking it out or seeing yourself writing out your thoughts on your divorce in a journal will work as well and doing both is a good plan to speed up the process.)

Good bye B L O B. Hello new second chance at life

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #59, 6/11/05

Why Divorce is Common and Why You Are So Upset By The End Of a Marriage.

Two sentences. Explain it.

Expectations exceed performance.

Your marriage programming is obsolete (left over from another time).

Erroneous Programming (beliefs) you have about Marriage that You expected your spouse to live up to.

1. Marriage vows are "forever".

    Erroneous. 150 years ago life expectancy was below the forties.

    One or both usually died before you had been married 15 years. Life expectancy now is if you were married at 20 "forever' is 65 years married.

    Now if you were married ten years one or the other re-evaluates...do I really want to spend 55 more years with this person? Probably not, better check my options.


2. Erroneous belief and expectation that the person I married should and myself will stay the same and not grow and change as a person or that we will grow and maintain the same interests at the same rate and in the same direction.
    The average person moves (changes homes) now every seven years. Their needs, interests, and life now grows at an accelerated rate and "what was" this home no longer fits.

    In marriage odds are "what was" at the time of marriage no longer "is" seven years later and one or the other "graduates" from the starter marriage and like the home, is no longer comfortable there, and decides they need to move. When the opportunity presents itself, they move.

    In fact we just checked and the latest figures show that the average marriage now ends after seven years. Just like moving because the house no longer fits your needs, one or both out grew the marriage and move on.


3. Erroneous belief that you need to be married to survive or to be happy and that if your spouse leaves without your permission they are cheating you and will take your chance at the good life with them.
    She used to need him to support her and the inevitable children that resulted from sex -marriage, (before the pill). He needed someone to cook for him and mend his clothes, take care of the chickens and tend the garden etc...

    They overcame obstacles together, got through the winter and built strength in the relationship.

    Now all they do together is watch tv.

    Now she does not need him to support her. She often makes more money then he does.

    He has plenty of ability and opportunity to obtain as good or better meals and does not "need her to survive" just fine thank you.


4. Erroneously believe the "leaving spouse" did not leave right, it was terrible the way they did it.
    One or the other decides life would be better outside the marriage often after processing the idea for two years.

    The "left" person is initially in shock but after two years (of their processing it) (after Divorce) eventually reaches the same conclusion.

    The problem is they do not reach the same conclusion at the same time.

    There is no "right way" to leave that the leavor knows about. Once decided by one spouse they normally do not immediately leave.

    They often hang around indefinitely (sometimes for years or never leave) unless opportunity presents itself or they are able to test the market as to what the possibilities for improvement are (trade up) and to test their marketability.

    They stay married in the meantime, because like "bad breath" is better than no breath at all.

5. Erroneously believe that whoever your ex and whoever the ex is involved with now is evil and that you are an innocent by-standing wounded angel.
    That you are entitled and morally obligated to punish your ex for leaving your marriage, by using any method possible including using your children as "weapons" no matter what damage it does to you and the children.

    This is all part of "they did not have my permission" or give me notice to "drop out or graduate from my marriage, they did not "leave right" therefore I will see that this evil person has to pay a "price".

    This freezes the punisher in time (until they give up on the punishment project) (sometimes for years) and they shoot themselves in the foot.

    This badly affects the children's view on their future marriage and/or relationships as well as damaging their normal life time relationship with one parent.


CONCLUSION:

It is therefore not what happened that has ruined your life, (divorce) it is your beliefs, faulty expectations and erroneous programming about your marriage that is causing the emotional turmoil and tying up your life in processing and dealing with what happened.

Deal with reality.

Over half of marriages now end in divorce and the average stay together now is under seven years.

People now grow and change very rapidly, and the change happens now in shorter and shorter time. What was a good fit, seldom stays that way.

Probably 99% of the people that leave a relationship do not "leave right" according to the person left.

Accept the idea that all relationships are temporary. Relationships are good while they last, fit and fill needs. All have an expiration date.

Staying in a relationship that has expired (no longer works for at least one) is not a happy time and is not a virtue.

Stop beating on "the dead horse" when a relationship dies.

,,,,,when it falls off the wall, ---
You can not put humpty dumpty back together again.....Let go, Move on...

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #58, 5/11/05

Yes, your newsletters are behind schedule because I am overwhelmed at the moment with business situations that have to be taken care of which will keep me behind schedule for another month or so. However, I do get a lot of email and continue to handle that in a timely manner. Therefore since I get a lot of them that are of mutual help and interest I am just sending you both sides of the back and forth so far on just this one. This is in regard to visitation and interaction with the kids of divorce. See what you think.

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Here is the important part on the subject from a recent email from Michele.

"Anyway, we both ended up in a divorce. My problem is now, letting my children go anywhere around them.

My 13 year old understands what his father did and he does not want any part of this new girl and baby, my 12 year old is angry, at her and the baby and the other son, however he misses his dad.

I don't have a problem with the boys seeing their dad, however it makes me sick to my stomach to think of my boys anywhere around the rest of them. I have asked him to spend time with them alone, which he has been doing once in a while. Basically he spends maybe 3 hours every 2 or 3 weeks with them, but he will not commit, will not give me a schedule, basically will come when he is free from his new responsibilities.

I feel I have moved on and I am ready for a new life, however this seems to be a sore spot. Any advice would be appreciated.

Regards, Michele

My response

Hello Michele,

This is a common problem and you are the one that has to deal with it and set an example for your children.

Your ex has a new life and new people in his life. What you had with him is over. However the relationship he has with his children should not be over.

Naturally they resent his screwing up or stopping the participating in your life and theirs that they were used to but they have to be taught to understand that this was "what was".

His new life and their new life is what is.

He would like to and is entitled to share the new people in his life with his kids and make them all one happy part of his life.

You will have new people in your life too.

However, you and the kids want him to shut out the new people in their fathers life to punish him or punish the new members or for allowing their coming into his life.

You are shutting them out (kids) from the benefits of having a full relationship with their father and participating in his new life with their new half brother and/or half sister.

Get over it...

Plan how to make the "gonna bes" better by forgetting "what was" and doing everything you can to make your ex's life with the kids as good as poss. both ways by encouraging their fully participating in his and his new family's life.

As long as you portray the new wife and her new children as some type of a villians, the kids feel they are betraying you if they enjoy or allow any enjoyment with them whatsoever. You are the key.

If you instead bite the bullet and portray this as "you are sure lucky", now you have two mothers to do all sorts of things and learn all sorts of new things.

Let me know if you can make the switch .
Regads,
Harlan

Here is Michele's response:

NO,
I can not actively encourage my children be to involved with a liar and a cheat. I am sorry, but there is no way I am going to encourage the relationship.

The boys were around her as a friend of their dad's and all of a sudden their whole life changes and she has produced a baby by their father.

I am sorry, what they have both done was wrong and a moral sin. I am not going to actively encourage my kids that this is a nice person and they should get along with her or that child.

That is fine if their father has a new life, however my kids are at the age where they know exactly what happened and it is unforgivable in our eyes.

I will encourage a relationship with their father, however I can not encourage a relationship with a person who I have no respect for. It is hard enough encouraging a relationship with their lying father much less a cheat and second lying girlfriend.

My kids are better than that and deserve to be put first, and if he can not do that then he just tells them they are not as important to him as his new family.

I am sorry, I love my kids with all of my heart, however I am not going to encourage a relationship with two unrespectable lying, cheating adults.

He will just have to choose and they can see who is more important. I am glad he is out of my life and want to move on and get him out of our lives.

Regards,
Michele

Hello again Michele,

Well now, it sounds to me that you have a real problem, that is affecting your children's life, not only in their relationship with their father and their new half brother or sister and their fathers new life with a new family, but their future marriages and relationships in their coming adult life.

You are forcing their father to chose whether he has a new life and responsibilities or whether he has responsibility to his previous children, he is not going to be allowed both...he has to chose according to you.

You say....

"My kids are better than that and deserve to be put first," well you are not putting your children's best interests first. You are forcing your children to accept your "sore loser" angry "never forgive any one from graduating from a relationship with you".

The loser, your children.......

Not only are they not going to see their father as much as they normally would, they are not going to be allowed to participate in his new life and with people that are important to him and should be to your children as well.

Your children are getting a distorted view of family relationships from a distorted ("still bent out of shape") mother that will affect their own marriage relationships in the future..

Here is what you said in your original e-mail

"I feel I have moved on and I am ready for a new life,................. however this seems to be a sore spot........... Any advice would be appreciated."

You absolutely have not moved on......or let go... you are severely hung up on what was.... you are not ready for a new life. You have your foot stuck on home plate and you can not run around the bases of a new life hanging on to what was that way. The worse thing is you have announced to your children that these are "evil immoral" people (their father's new family) and that your children should have nothing to do with them. (that is your "holier then thou attitude")

You are absolutely right it is a "sore spot" with you. "You should have been well past this by now".

You need some outside help with this.

Your children need to heal from what was a traumatic separation from their father and you make it worse pouring salf on old wounds and keep them from getting back to a normal relationship with their father.

The father is spending far less time with his children then he would if he could get the kids back to a normal life and relationship with him and his new life.

You are poisoning the water.. for your children getting back to a happy life with both parents.

Sounds to me from your attitude that the children badly need a "little" normal attitude from at least one parent and you are denying them full access to even that.

You are a real sore head, that is shooting yourself in the foot and short changing your kids' full life.

You asked for advice.... here it is..

Get over it.. "Shape up"

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #57, 3/9/05

How to Grow Your New Garden of Support People After Divorce.

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Have you ever grown any Garden Plants? Or flowers? If you have you know it takes time.

Maybe all you see right now as a result of your divorce is weeds. Weeds are plants growing where you do not want or expect them. Here you hoped for flowers or vegetables and since your divorce your life is overgrown with weeds.

To turn your garden around and grow tomatoes you have to go where you get seeds.

In your case you need to know where you can get the seeds to grow new friends in your garden and you need to figure out where to get the type of seeds and find it no matter where ever you live.. We suggest a divorce support group of some where that place other newly divorced get together. Of course you can find great seeds many other places.

Once you find some seeds that are what you are wanting to grow in your new garden, you need to plant them and get them started in your new friends garden.

You should not expect to plant these seeds in your new "single life" garden one day and then harvest a perfectly ripe tomato the next day. Or even in a few weeks.

Raising Tomatoes takes time. Growing a garden of new friends takes much time and effort. There is no "hurrying" it.

    1. Find where to go to find the seeds of new relationships to grow a garden of new friends.

    2. Weed out all of the no longer fit friends and negative friends who you can no longer afford to cultivate, water and keep in your new garden.
    They are now weeds and have to go.

    When you got divorced your garden of friends changes. All of the in-laws vanish or become weeds in your garden. The married friends no longer relate.

    3. Decide what you are growing in your new friend garden, knowing what to expect - from the seeds you have found. You would plan your garden in advance. Starting with a decision as to what variety of tomatoes you'd like to grow. There are a large variety to choose from, the large and juicy ones, or the small berry types. Or many other types are now available in between.

    4. Once you find seed and seedlings you would plant your tomatoes in a carefully chosen, sunny part of the garden and water generously. Weeks will pass and you'd see no red tomatoes. Should you give up? You now know you can not rush this, you would realize that this takes time. How would you know? Because you would learn from others that have grown tomatoes successfully.

    5. To grow your tomatoes successfully You find out from them how often you would water, weed out, and fertilize.

    6. You would support the new plants with stakes, or special tomato cages. You would be quite patient for two, three, maybe even four months before planning to get any benefits from your crop.
All of this applies to growing your new fiends and relationships.

You can call all of this growing your "new people". garden..

Here are your "new friends garden" tips that will help you become successful in the people growing garden.

Plan what you want to grow in your friend garden.. You cannot grow a garden successfully if you do not have a plan or a vision of what you want to grow.

Create a card file of your contacts and keep it current.

Weed-out. Let's face it. Not everyone in your card file is a contact worth cultivation. Learn to recognize the difference between a beautiful flower that will bloom in the future and the weed. that just doesn't belong with your new vision of a great garden.

Set aside some money. Growing a successful garden costs money.. Just keeping in touch with all these new people will cost you - money, stamps, notes, long distance phone calls, even small gifts.

This fertilizing your garden is not cheap, it will also take some of your time.

Develop a plan of where to keep get new exciting seeds and seedlings and go get and add them on a regular basis. The growing season for you is all year around..

Learn when to plant, when to cultivate and when to fertilize and finally when to realistically expect a harvest -

Learn from those doing it successfully when to expect to harvest and about giving up too easily.

This boils down to the bottom line: don't expect your relationships garden people to mature faster and with less effort than tomatoes!

Your new life success will get its main boost from your successful "new people in your life" garden. Tend it well.

 

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #56, 1/11/05

A New Year and a Start On a New Life...

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This new year and your new life after divorce are a good place to take inventory, so to speak, and then plan and head off in a new direction after realizing you have many new options, that you need not try to recreate what was.

We tell you that the closer you were to having your life totally destroyed by your divorce, the more likely you are to wind up in a year or two in a far better place then you had ever hoped for.

Some say "I was literally destroyed by my divorce and my ex was affected hardly at all."

......and of course they throw in.."it just isn't fair".

We followed up on many of these and almost all two years later were in a far better life then they had ever had before that divorce, while their ex's were just back bumbling along, making the repeated "life" mistakes of previous years and were not in any major improvement of "what was" before the divorce.

For those still continuing to mess with their ex and prove they were right and their ex was wrong etc. should get off that waste of time and energy and realize the "best revenge" so to speak (for those of you into that) is to really improve your life and overall happiness on your own, into a far better life then you ever had in that marriage.

Let's put it this way.... Let's say your ex was a house only slightly damaged by the divorce storm.. The ex just patches it up and it changes little.

Now let's say your life in contrast was a house that was totally blown away....by the divorce hurricane.

Your first reaction is that "I have to get my life rebuilt and get it back like it was."

Then you realize...that hey....I do not have to rebuild it like it was or even in the same place.

For the first time you have the freedom to rebuild your life the way you want it, not your parents plans or your ex's. Just totally the way you had always hoped it would be.

By now, (maturity) you have enough life experience and insights to know basically what really "works" for you, what is important to you and even what parts of life you enjoy the most. ......and you also know what you do not want in your new life.

You sit down to make new years resolutions of what you are going to do in the new year to make life better.

Here we tell you to take time to sit down and look at "what are my options or possibilities in my new second chance at life?"

List all the major changes and improvements in your life that you would like to happen in your new life, if there were no limitations..road blocks etc.

Do not forget to dream big with no limitations. (note: However, if you are 5.2, best you give up on your dream to be an NBA star.) You do not have to worry or wonder how you are going to accomplish all this. For now you only need to decide what it is you would like in your new life of unlimited possibilities.

Later here we will show you how to start to have them happen almost automatically.

Once you decide totally about what your new life will be like and where it is going, then we tell you that you are half way there. That is how important this step is to your new life.

No more bouncing off the wall and accepting what comes down whatever road you chance on.

Once you have this "what you want to happen and be part of your new life" written down and you can actually visualize this all happening, your life will be changed over night.

Now you will have direction in your life. You know exactly where you are going with it.

You are now enthusiastic about what's ahead and you can hardly wait to get started on the road to getting there.

"What was" is no longer of any consequence whatsoever. You just no longer have time to even mess with that.

The "gonna be's" is where it is at and you keep repeating....constantly...exactly where it is your new life is going. Keep this in front of you so there is no doubt about where your new life will soon be.

Let's call this next part....ordering the road maps of how to get there......and the shortest and to get the fastest route laid out......as and when you need it....

Your subconscious mind is tremendously smart (you likely have been using less then 5% of its capability) and it will know and/or get you to do what is necessary for it to figure out the where and how of getting all the road map information you will need in getting to this new life.

You just need to tell your subconscious "where you are going" and order the road maps of "how to get there". If ordered correctly they will be delivered by your subconscious and will arrive in many small maps just as you need them to get on down this road.

This "road map ordering" is called "setting goals.." When you deliver correctly (and repeatedly) this "how do I get there" map order, (to your subconscious mind) they will then arrive on time automatically just as you need them.

To read up on "Setting Goals" as a single person, start with this one...

 

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