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Divorce Recovery

Part 8

Single life is different now

by Harlan Jacobsen

copyright 1996 Single Scene Newspaper

If you've just become single, then it means this is at least your second experience as a single. You say, "Well, it should be easy, I was single before and got along all right."

Well, you can get along all right, but if you're counting on everything being the same as when you were single last time, forget it. A lot of water has gone over the dam since then and the whole single world is different than it was just a few years ago.

Unless you bring your thinking values up to date, you'll find your readjustment period painfully prolonged. What relationships you develop and your attitude and frame of mind towards them will be a big factor in your future happiness as a single. You do not just spring from a life oriented around a world traveling two by two into a oneness situation without some trauma. Going from marriedness to a singleness that you thought was something you had been through before leads to upsetting situations when you find it is no longer familiar ground.

Things have indeed changed.

You are going to have to get out and find what's going on, find out where you're at. If you've just been through the divorce wringer, you'll probably want to lay low for a while and lick your wounds.

You'll wonder if it's really worth the effort, this getting myself together and going out again. Who knows, but if you don't want to be very much alone the rest of your life, then maybe life is too short to waste in self-pity. So why not start now?

It's nice you'll have to admit, to have someone to talk to, to share the good things with, to share the bad experiences and your problems with and sometimes, let's face it, to sleep with.

How do you find the missing half? Where do you look? Will you know the right one when you run into them? Will you know what to do with them when you find them?

First of all, where do you find them? Let's be practical now, since you were last single you have added a few years, so despite a new hairstyle and some rejuvenating shots, you're going to have trouble keeping up with or passing yourself off as a teenybopper. No use hanging out in the teen spots or the young college crowd locations.

You probably aren't going to do much there or be very happy with what you might develop there.

Then again, you're probably not quite ready for the nursing home either, so if you're going to do any good, you're going to have to mess with Mr. or Ms. In Between.

The question is: Where are they? Well, frankly, a lot of them are just like you. They are sitting at home, watching tv or reading a book and complaining bitterly about being alone. Yes, bitterly, about their last relationship, their divorce, or whatever. They were hurt on the last relationship and they are not going to be hurt again. They just couldn't face it. Well, if you're bitter and hostile, the rest of us singles aren't going to be too enthused or happy about meeting you either.

So, before you venture out too far, best get rid of that hostility. Change your attitude, read some books on the positive approach. Get a good attitude about yourself and toward the people you meet, and life can be pretty darn good. Most all the other singles have gone through the same thing. They have hidden emotional scars, many of which would probably make yours look like nothing. Nobody winds up with a bouquet of roses in these split-ups. So what makes you think you have it so bad?

Some sit around home from one to seven years before they finally pull themselves together and head out - often to retreat right back into their shell, not to appear again for months.

Where is the non-teeny bopper crowd? (Between 25 and 60) Where can a mature single go to find someone exciting? Well, before you find someone exciting, probably you best do what you can to make yourself exciting - otherwise what will they see in you when you do meet (these are all two-way relationships and you've got to be exciting to them, too.)

If you develop a distrust of the opposite sex, as a result of your last break-up, remember, you were tied up and have had little current experience in man-woman relationships. Try to believe the other person is being as honest as you are. If you learn to be honest, truthful and a genuine person again with good manners, you will be received in the same way.