The one great thing that came out of this marriage,
the kids, and now they are for all practical purposes, gone.
When a couple divorce, it is because the relationship of the couple has
She has to deal with the emotional trauma of
splitting with a spouse, he in contrast has to deal with the loss of a
long term relationship with his spouse, he also has to deal with loss of
the normal relationship with his children which may have been closer and
far more intense then the spousal relationship ever was.
Sometimes couples stay together solely because the husband can not stand
the idea of becoming separated-divorced from his children.
The parents continue to whittle away, destroying each other.
If he dares to suggest that he plans to leave, she knows he loves his
children and she often decides she can use this potentially losing
contact with his children as a club, to keep him from leaving.
Or she can use access to the children to punish him for leaving, or to
use as a lever to control him to get what she wants in the settlement.
He may think he can get joint custody, and that will solve it, but she
will likely NOT agree to share custody with him..
Even when she does not disagree and oppose it, and it is granted, it can
be sabotaged and for various other reasons often does not work out.
She gave birth to these kids so she has decided these kids are hers and
his role now is solely to assist her by providing money.
If she has not worked outside the home, she will likely get "spousal
maintenance", a new politically correct title for "alimony".
He will be lucky to get to see the children every other weekend, or even
less depending on how hostile she continues to be and what she can dream
up as justification to hit em where it hurts, the kids.
However, because of what he is doing to her by leaving, she will feel
she is justified and the kid lever gives her power and gets his
He will be saddled with and continue to have to pay to support them even
though he has little or no contact with the children.. With three kids
and an obligation thru college, can often cost him over $225,000.00.
About 20% of custodial mothers will find an excuse to move far away from
the fathers residence to where he will only be able to see his children
a couple times a year and despite that fact she is the one that moved
them, he is the one who will have to pay for the airline tickets to do
Full child support will continue to be due, even if he has them and pays
all costs for them for the summer for example.
He may hardly ever get to even see them and yet if he gets behind on
support she will often retaliate by crimping contact with the children
He will get no cudos or credit for the support he provides, either from
her or the children..
Take them some place special and he is called Disney land daddy, trying
to buy back their affection.
If he goes out of his way and makes special arrangements and asks to
spend more or special times, with his children, she will often say, no,
you can not do that, it would just be too disruptive, they are just
getting settled after the divorce.
Seeing his children again for a short time is a reunion, followed
shortly by an emotional painful parting.
This emotional tearing can be so
heavy, and painful for some men, they will subconsciously find excuses
some times, not to see their children, as scheduled.
Often the more they care about their children, and the resulting more
pain, makes it more likely they are to find an excuse when not up to
going thru these emotional partings.
Then the children and the mother, say, see, he never cared about the
If he gets behind (even if he becomes ill or injured) or can not pay the
child support (even if he loses his job) he is classified as "a dead
beat dad" and is subject to being jailed and thrown in debtors prison,
often for two months.
When he comes out and he still can not pay it he can be thrown back in
Getting divorced from his spouse, and adjusting to that change may
indeed, be the easy part.
Sometimes the father now makes and takes a special time totally devoted
to being with his children. Often far more then he even managed to put
together with them while married. Sometimes the children just go
along with the fathers normal day but still get more one on one
attention then they got when he was part of the marriage.
It does not necessarily need be all bad for the children, but it is
often the most devastating for the father who had the children
essentially removed from what was a big part of his life .
What happens here is the father who had daily close contact with his
children, was energized by this daily interaction with his children
finds he is essentially out of the loop.
He has become transferred from being a father who had close contact and
a say in how his children were disciplined, educated, and what church
they attended etc.
Divorced from his father role and transformed to becoming a distant
"uncle" who sends money but rarely sees the children and has no real say
or control of what happens with raising these children.
With this almost power less situation he finds he is now in, makes it
possible for her to arrogantly ignore any of his requests or input on
how the children are being raised.
This often means they wind up back in court many times, during the
growing up period, with some states requiring him to pay the legal bills
on both sides.
This bitter pill about what happens with his relationship with his
children and the emotional hassle and turmoil often involved is one of
the reasons you will find men have a higher homicide and suicide rate as
a result of divorce, then women have.
Information: Legal Affects, by a Divorce Judge
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