The Real Source Of Your "Divorce" Pain
Divorce, Tragedy or Opportunity Part 3 

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright 2003

Understand it and get past the pain in a short time


Do you understand where this pain and agony come from in your recovering from divorce?

Do you understand why it is so bad that you will do almost anything to get out of the pain?

On this page I will show you how you get thru to the other side of the pain and exactly what you will have to do to get past this pain and agony. Included with this is a warning that if you fail to do this, your pain and agony will likely last for months.

Get past "the pain and agony" of your divorce by recognizing why you have it, and that the pain process you are going thru is not much different then what any addict goes thru in "sobering up" "cold turkey" from any long term addiction

And how to get past this addiction and crisis that you have here in just 21 days. no more, no less .....

To: All those newly divorced going thru the pain and agony of trying to survive the death of a long term relationship.

From:Harlan L. Jacobsen

Date: 05/25/03

      Do you realize there is little difference between an addict getting off crack cocaine. and a relationship addict getting off a long term relationship cold turkey?

      Both go thru almost unbearable pain with very similar symptoms when getting off their addictions.

      Just like the alcoholic forced sobering up after a long term dependency, the alcoholic often goes thru something called delirium tremors
and other addictions have similar severe "un-named agony periods, that are almost unbearable.

        No one getting off any long term addiction gets off totally free.

      It does not matter how intelligent you are, how much education you have, how important a job, how many professional counselors you have, when you are involved in an addiction, when it ends you go thru the withdrawal pain just like the rest of us.

No Exceptions

Only a matter of degree


      Why would you think you are the only one that has to go thru this pain when your addictive relationship ends?

      Good question.....

      You are not alone in not being aware that relationships, no matter how bad, are addictive but ...

Would you really think your relationship was different?

      Probably not........when you begin to deal with reality......

      This is all about you experiencing the pain and agony now and surviving til a better day...

       Not trying to escape the pain ...........which would be merely delaying it til another day.

      Understanding and dealing with it head on right the way to go.

You can gain knowledge here that shows you that you too........ can handle and deal with it.

      That's why I'm going to teach you the formula that will help you get thru this pain and agony in the absolute shortest time.

      You should understand that all long term relationships are addictive.
When you are actively involved with one person for years, you probably knew you had grown intertwined and any attempts to come apart were going to be painful..

      What you likely did not realize was that your relationship was addictive.


      You say that you just can not stand this "being apart" because........


That is malarkey plain and simple.......You are......




      You are having STRONG"relationship addict" withdrawal feelings.......because of your separation from what was your intimate partner

      Here you erroneously have concluded these severe feelings must be because you miss and need them, or erroneously have concluded these strong separation feelings generated must be because you really really loved them.

       Your strong misinterpreted feelings are the same or similar feelings the drunk has when forced to sober up,because his access to his booze has been cut off.

      Like you being "cut off" from access to your relationship, the alcohol addict could also misinterpret and say the strong feelings he is having is now because he really misses and needs his booze back, and that he really, really "loved" his drinking.

      The alcoholic will hardly ever "admit" he is in an addiction, ( or withdrawal), and probably you will likely deny that you are a relationship addict and that these strong feelings you are having is simply like and nothing more then any other addict going thru withdrawal.

      Like the alcoholic, you will likely stick with your story instead, that this emotional turmoil (hell) you are going thru is because you really really loved them.

  •        EVEN if you absolutely hate your STBX (soon to be ex) and they have done horrifically bad things to you, you will still have STRONG FEELINGS (withdrawal pain) when you split.

       You would think you would be elated, --- elated about getting away and free from them, but since you have instead of the expected elation, these very strong "miss them" feelings, (we call it pain, not necessarily correct word but best we can do) you conclude this getting a part feels terrible.

      This must mean this is the wrong thing to do and I must "really really love them" or I would not feel this way or this bad and feel like I must "get them back" no matter what.

      To illustrate, look at that wife, a normal intelligent woman, who was beaten nearly to death by her husband for the third time.

      While he is in jail, she has so much relationship addict withdrawal pain, (she does not know that is what it is) she decides it must be her fault and she must "love him so much" or she wouldn't be having these strong agonizing feelings this way...while he is gone.

          She calls the jail regularly to see how soon he can get out because she wants him back, that she just can not go on living this way without him.

      I had a friend that I can still look back and see the unbelievable sight of him sitting in a bathroom smoking with his portable oxygen bottle along side.

      He knew he was dying soon of cigarette caused respiratory illness.

      His doctor had told him he might just as well keep right on smoking, because in his condition now, he likely would not be able to survive the pain and agony of withdrawal after smoking all those years.

  • What I am hoping to accomplish here is to get you to wake up and recognize how strong a hold an addiction can and does have on you, the real reason you have these agonizing feelings from your split and what you should or should not do about it.

When I was 18 I worked for a year and a half in a federal mental hospital, a lot of that time I worked in a locked "addiction" withdrawal ward.

    You would not believe the pain and agony some of those people go thru in "withdrawal" (cut off) from their addiction that I witnessed.

Many had tried to get out of it for years on their own but kept going back because they could not stand going thru the withdrawal pain......
....... Even though they knew their addiction to this was killing them.

    The only way to get them past the withdrawal period was to "lock them up" where they had to endure the pain "cold turkey".

The parents of the daughter getting a divorce from an abusive husband knew "EXACTLY" what they were doing when they sent their daughter on an all expenses paid 22 day pleasure trip overseas.

They had found a way "to lock her away" from resuming contact with what she was addicted to...until she was thru the withdrawal period.


Looking For A Way Out Of The Pain

.....Because your feelings from your withdrawal pain is so think you are going crazy......

Any fix will do, since your spouse is not available....and your pain is so great....You dash out like the alcoholic going thru withdrawal, searching for any kind of booze...

      You finally find someone to "rescue you" from your withdrawal pain....anyone will do....

      what a relief from the pain.....real joy.. I feel so much last....but soon,...... they leave......and I assure you they will.......

..........Now Your Withdrawal Pain Is Even Worse

Eventually you deal with reality, you tried taking up booze, getting a zombie pill from your doctor, nothing makes it go away for good, until you work thru your addiction pain and "sober up" from it.........

      Our message here is you have confused this addiction withdrawal dire be back together as LOVE....

      It is merely natures way of keeping the species "paired up". Separating is "painful" so they will tend to stay paired.

      You are aware that any smoker who has been involved with smoking for years is addicted to the habit and even though he has been made aware it is killing him, he often finds the quitting so painful every attempt to quit winds up with going back to smoking because the withdrawal pain is unbearable.

      You and I both know there are many people in a relationship that is literally destroying them, will go back again and again, no matter how bad it is, because they can not stand the withdrawal pain of ending or staying away.

      You have heard of many wives who have a husband who regularly beats them nearly to death, who take him back every time he gets back out of jail.

      Just like the cigarette smoker, no matter how bad and obvious the result is going to be in staying, the pain of withdrawal from the relationship is so severe, they just can not bring themselves to quit and go thru that much relationship addiction withdrawal pain.

      As someone who has been involved in the recovery process for over 30 years, I have seen hundreds of people who have gotten out of a marriage in a divorce, go back again and again no matter what their spouse had done or continued to do, solely because they could not stand to go thru the withdrawal pain from ending and getting off the relationship.

      During the withdrawal pain, they only remembered the good parts of the marriage and do not remember the bad parts to be as painful as this being out of and off the relationship.

       Anything would be better then this so they go back, often again and again. many three or four times...before they finally get up the courage to stay with it and work thru the pain.

      The alcoholic, the smoker, the crack addict all are aware they need to STOP, but can not bring themselves to get enough courage to quit, they are not able to bear the withdrawal pain of getting out of the addiction.

      We have no good news here......You can ask your doctor for a pain killer, namely a tranquilizer to numb the appears to us to only postpone the withdrawal sobering up process.

You are grieving over the death of a relationship You suffer many other painful losses, and changes in the divorce process. Here we have only been discussing your sobering up from your relationship addiction

Just like the smoker, who just can not stand it and takes one more puff.....You will want to and will find any excuse to have contact with your STBX. (soon to be ex)

Cut Off All Contact With Your STBX For 21 Days


Announce this to them as something you need to and are going to do. and that any contact will have to be thru your attorney, your sister or someone else.

This Is A 21 Day Detox From Your Ex

       Just like the sobering process alcoholic, who finds it very difficult to go by a liquor store, you will find this difficult to do.

       You will find some excuse why you absolutely have to contact your STBX.

      Here is the key...........


       Cut Off All Contact With Your STBX For 21 Days.

       Not a minute less. If you cheat, like the sobering up alcoholic who sneaks just one drink............., your 21 days starts all over.

       If you cut off your hand accidentally, you can still feel your fingers for 21 days. There is a basis for your 21 day addiction correction.

      Note: If you have children and have to have some unavoidable contact, cut off at least, all unnecessary contact.

Thats the formula, work thru the pain in 21 days..

      Work up the courage to go thru the pain head on, cold turkey, no crutches with zombie pills, or booze.

  • On the 22nd day you will be "sobered up"and thru your spousal 'DETOX" from your relationship addiction.

      You will essentially be free of what was, ready to start planning and thinking about your new life ahead.

      Yes, you're still going to have some pain, but after the 21 days it will be noticeably tolerable and everything will get better and better.

* Note: This is probably one of the most important articles and lessons I have ever written to help you work thru the pain of your divorce. Please read it a second time and come back and read it one more time tomorrow.

Read Part Four "Letting go after divorce and replacing friends"

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