Do you understand where this pain and agony come
from in your recovering from divorce?
Do you understand why it is so bad that you will do almost
anything to get out of the pain?
On this page I will show you how you get thru to the other side of the pain and
exactly what you will have to do to get past this pain and agony.
Included with this is a warning that if you fail to do this, your
pain and agony will likely last for months.
Get past "the pain and
agony" of your divorce by recognizing why you have it, and that the
pain process you are going thru is not much different then what any
addict goes thru in "sobering up" "cold turkey" from any long term
addiction
And ........discover how to get past this addiction and crisis
that you have here in just 21 days. no more, no less .....
To: All those newly divorced going thru the
pain and agony of trying to survive the death of a long term
relationship.
From:Harlan L. Jacobsen
Date:
05/25/03
Do you
realize there is little difference between an addict
getting off crack cocaine. and a relationship addict getting
off a long term relationship cold
turkey?
Both go thru
almost unbearable pain with very similar symptoms when
getting off their addictions.
Just like the alcoholic
forced sobering up after a long term dependency, the
alcoholic often goes thru something called delirium
tremors
and other addictions have similar severe
"un-named agony periods, that are almost unbearable.
No one getting off
any long term addiction gets off totally free.
It does not matter how
intelligent you are, how much education you have, how important a
job, how many professional counselors you have, when you are
involved in an addiction, when it ends you go thru the withdrawal
pain just like the rest of us.
No Exceptions
Only a matter of
degree
Why would
you think you are the only one that has to go thru this pain when
your addictive relationship ends?
Good question.....
You are not alone in not
being aware that relationships, no matter how bad, are
addictive but ...
Would you really think your relationship was different?
Probably not........when
you begin to deal with reality......
This is all about you
experiencing the pain and agony now and surviving til a
better day...
Not trying to escape the
pain ...........which would be merely delaying it til another
day.
Understanding and dealing
with it head on right now...is the way to go.
You can gain knowledge here that shows you that you
too........ can handle and deal with it.
That's why I'm going to
teach you the formula that will help you get thru this pain
and agony in the absolute shortest time.
You should understand
that all long term relationships are addictive.
When you
are actively involved with one person for years, you probably knew
you had grown intertwined and any attempts to come apart were
going to be painful..
What you likely did
not realize was that your relationship was addictive.
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You say that you just
can not stand this "being apart" because........
I JUST LOVE HIM / HER SO MUCH
That is malarkey plain and
simple.......You are......
A RELATIONSHIP ADDICT
and......
YOU NEED A RELATIONSHIP
FIX.
You are
having STRONG"relationship addict" withdrawal
feelings.......because of your separation from what was
your intimate partner
Here you erroneously
have concluded these severe feelings must
be because you miss and need them, or
erroneously have concluded these strong separation feelings
generated must be because you really really loved
them.
Your strong
misinterpreted feelings are the same or similar feelings the
drunk has when forced to sober up,because his access to
his booze has been cut off.
Like you being "cut
off" from access to your relationship, the alcohol addict
could also misinterpret and say the strong feelings he is
having is now because he really misses and needs his
booze back, and that he really, really "loved" his
drinking.
The alcoholic will
hardly ever "admit" he is in an addiction, ( or
withdrawal), and probably you will likely deny that you are
a relationship addict and that these strong feelings you
are having is simply like and nothing more then any other
addict going thru withdrawal.
Like the alcoholic, you
will likely stick with your story instead, that this emotional
turmoil (hell) you are going thru is because you really really
loved them.
You would think
you would be elated, --- elated about getting away and
free from them, but since you have instead of the expected
elation, these very strong "miss them" feelings, (we call
it pain, not necessarily correct word but best we can do)
you conclude this getting a part feels terrible.
This must mean this is
the wrong thing to do and I must "really really love
them" or I would not feel this way or this bad and feel
like I must "get them back" no matter what.
To illustrate,
look at that wife, a normal intelligent woman, who was
beaten nearly to death by her husband for the third
time.
While he is in jail,
she has so much relationship addict withdrawal pain,
(she does not know that is what it is) she
decides it must be her fault and she must "love him so much"
or she wouldn't be having these strong agonizing feelings this
way...while he is gone.
She calls the jail
regularly to see how soon he can get out because
she wants him back, that she just can not go
on living this way without him.
I had a friend that I
can still look back and see the unbelievable sight of him
sitting in a bathroom smoking with his portable oxygen bottle
along side.
He knew he was dying
soon of cigarette caused respiratory illness.
His doctor had told him
he might just as well keep right on smoking, because in his
condition now, he likely would not be able to survive the
pain and agony of withdrawal after smoking all those
years.
- What I am hoping to accomplish here is to get you to
wake up and recognize how strong a hold an
addiction can and does have on you, the real reason
you have these agonizing feelings from your split and what
you should or should not do about it.
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When I was 18 I worked for a year and a half in a federal
mental hospital, a lot of that time I worked in a locked "addiction"
withdrawal ward.
You would not believe the pain and agony some of those
people go thru in "withdrawal" (cut off) from their addiction that
I witnessed.
Many had tried to get out of it for years on their own but kept
going back because they could not stand going thru the withdrawal
pain......
....... Even though they knew their addiction to
this was killing them.
The only way to get them past the withdrawal period was to
"lock them up" where they had to endure the pain "cold
turkey".
The parents of the daughter getting a divorce from an abusive
husband knew "EXACTLY" what they were doing when they sent their
daughter on an all expenses paid 22 day pleasure trip overseas.
They had found a way "to lock her away" from resuming
contact with what she was addicted to...until she was thru
the withdrawal period.
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Looking For A Way Out Of The
Pain
.....Because your
feelings from your withdrawal pain is so bad.....you
think you are going crazy......
Any fix will do, since your spouse is not
available....and your pain is so great....You dash out like
the alcoholic going thru withdrawal, searching for any kind of
booze...
You finally find
someone to "rescue you" from your withdrawal pain....anyone
will do....
what a relief from the
pain.....real joy.. I feel so much better..at last....but
soon,...... they leave......and I assure you they
will.......
..........Now Your Withdrawal
Pain Is Even Worse
Eventually you deal with reality, you tried
taking up booze, getting a zombie pill from your doctor,
nothing makes it go away for good, until you work thru your
addiction pain and "sober up" from it.........
Our message here is you
have confused this addiction withdrawal dire need.....to be
back together as LOVE....
It is merely natures
way of keeping the species "paired up". Separating is
"painful" so they will tend to stay paired.
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You are aware that any
smoker who has been involved with smoking for years is addicted to
the habit and even though he has been made aware it is killing him,
he often finds the quitting so painful every attempt to quit winds
up with going back to smoking because the withdrawal pain is
unbearable.
You and I both know there are
many people in a relationship that is literally destroying them,
will go back again and again, no matter how bad it is, because they
can not stand the withdrawal pain of ending or staying away.
You have heard of many
wives who have a husband who regularly beats them nearly to death,
who take him back every time he gets back out of jail.
Just like the cigarette
smoker, no matter how bad and obvious the result is going to be in
staying, the pain of withdrawal from the relationship is so severe,
they just can not bring themselves to quit and go thru that much
relationship addiction withdrawal pain.
As someone who has
been involved in the recovery process for over 30 years, I
have seen hundreds of people who have gotten out of a marriage
in a divorce, go back again and again no matter what their
spouse had done or continued to do, solely because they could
not stand to go thru the withdrawal pain from ending and
getting off the relationship.
During the withdrawal pain, they only
remembered the good parts of the marriage and do not
remember the bad parts to be as painful as this being out of
and off the relationship.
Anything would be better then this so they go back, often
again and again. many three or four times...before they
finally get up the courage to stay with it and work thru
the pain.
The
alcoholic, the smoker, the crack addict all are aware
they need to STOP, but can not bring themselves to get enough
courage to quit, they are not able to bear the withdrawal pain
of getting out of the addiction.
We have no good news
here......You can ask your doctor for a pain killer, namely a
tranquilizer to numb the pain......it appears to us to only
postpone the withdrawal sobering up process.
You are grieving over the death of a relationship You
suffer many other painful losses, and changes in the divorce
process. Here we have only been discussing your sobering up
from your relationship addiction
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Just like the smoker, who just can not stand
it and takes one more puff.....You will want to and will find any
excuse to have contact with your STBX. (soon to be ex)
Cut Off All Contact With Your
STBX For 21 Days
Announce this to them as something you need to and are going
to do. and that any contact will have to be thru your attorney, your
sister or someone else.
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This Is A 21 Day Detox From Your Ex
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Just like the sobering
process alcoholic, who finds it very difficult to go by a liquor
store, you will find this difficult to do.
You will find some excuse
why you absolutely have to contact your STBX.
Here is the key...........
21 DAYS
Cut
Off All Contact With Your STBX For 21 Days.
Not a minute less. If
you cheat, like the sobering up alcoholic who sneaks just one
drink............., your 21 days starts all over.
If you cut off your hand
accidentally, you can still feel your fingers for 21 days. There is
a basis for your 21 day addiction correction.
Note: If you have children
and have to have some unavoidable contact, cut off at least, all
unnecessary contact.
Thats the formula, work thru
the pain in 21 days..
Work up the
courage to go thru the pain head on, cold turkey,
no crutches with zombie pills, or booze.
- On the 22nd day you will be "sobered up"and thru your spousal
'DETOX" from your relationship addiction.
You will essentially be free of what was, ready to start
planning and thinking about your new life ahead.
Yes, you're still
going to have some pain, but after the 21 days it will be
noticeably tolerable and everything will get better and
better.
* Note: This is probably one of the most
important articles and lessons I have ever written to help you work
thru the pain of your divorce. Please
read it a second time and come back and read it one more time
tomorrow.
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The Real Source Of Your "Divorce" Pain 
